It happened

[Liketheducks]

I've been absent for a long time.     Last night, I found out that my mother had a heart attack.   She's been living out of her car for the last 5 months.   Visiting out of town relatives.   - just learned this this morning.
I phoned her to check on her last night.  Not to diminish the situation, her response was that "I needed to fix this".  I needed to fix what exactly?  The relationship that I tried and could fix before.  The 55 years of chain smoking?   The bad diet?   Her heart?    It didn't take long for the brush with death to make it all something I needed to make better.   

[looloo]

Yeah....Really, what more can you say about this reality?

In a gallows humor kind of way, it's almost flattering how much credit they seem to give us — implying that we have the power to bestow good health and good fortune on someone who has spent their life squandering it, but that we're holding back somehow, lol... 

But that's not really their point.  They are just incapable, and maybe unwilling, to be any other way.

[Liketheducks]

It's becoming a flying monkey situation.   She's having potential stent procedure tomorrow.  She had been staying with cousins way out of state.   They're all burning up my phone about how I need to be on the first flight out....cue the dramatic music and running through a hospital visual.   Of course, cousin's daughter is getting married this weekend...so in all sympathy, she's stressing.  Though, the story in my brain is more about sourcing me for logistical support.   Who will be here with her?   Why they're calling me and not one of my brothers who put up with her antics, is a surprise to me.
I feel like a heartless bitch....but when she opened with how "I needed to fix this"......it's clear that I'm responsible for everyone's every happiness in this world.    She seriously hasn't spoken to me except a handful of times, in nearly 3 years.   
The last thing I really want to do is show up in the midst of family who all think I'm the demon child from hell.    I can't fix her physically or emotionally.   Should I really feel guilty about not being there?   

[Andeza]

Short answer? No. You shouldn't feel guilty.

Long answer... Even if you went what could you do? Chastise the nurses to heal her faster? Be there for morale support? Yell down the hallway at the doctors that they just aren't doing enough?

Nope. You'd sit in that dang uncomfortable hospital chair for eight plus hours while your backside slowly goes numb listening to her gripe, moan, complain, and demand that you fix it. All of it. Until your ears are also numb.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like hell on earth to me!

[Liketheducks]

Short answer? No. You shouldn't feel guilty.

Long answer... Even if you went what could you do? Chastise the nurses to heal her faster? Be there for morale support? Yell down the hallway at the doctors that they just aren't doing enough?

Nope. You'd sit in that dang uncomfortable hospital chair for eight plus hours while your backside slowly goes numb listening to her gripe, moan, complain, and demand that you fix it. All of it. Until your ears are also numb.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like hell on earth to me!

Utterly and literally, hell on earth.   I have plenty of other stressors on my plate here at home.   We've exchanged a handful of civil words in the last 3 years.   Why call me?   Other than, up until 3 years ago, I was THE family fixer.  She's mad at me because I'm not that girl anymore. 

[Andeza]

That is exactly why. You are being essentially yelled at to get back in your place! 

Someday I'll get that call too. It's just a matter of time. For right now I exist in that weird phase where she just thinks I'm mad about something and it's just a phase right? It'll pass... I'll go back to offering endless suggestions to make her life better while she categorically ignores every single one and keeps doing her own thing. And one day, she seriously believes I'll build her that mother in law courage in my backyard and cater to her every whim...

Reality doesn't exist for them I'm afraid to say. Consequences are a vague concept. A thing that happens to other people. And they really do believe that just because they are our parent, we owe them this massive debt that can never be repaid. Not even if we gave them everything they could possibly want, because it'll never be good enough.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there. Until the "crisis" is over, you may want to put your phone on do not disturb... And find some time to do stuff you enjoy to help keep your stress levels low.

[WomanInterrupted]

I wouldn't feel guilty - and didn't when uNBPD Didi expected me to fix and cure all her ills, but I stayed out of her problems, and stayed home, instead. 

Just because your family expects you to do something, doesn't mean you HAVE to do it.  And your mom's words were *very* telling - she hasn't learned a thing, and doesn't see herself as responsible for her own life, and her own choices.

Well, nobody else but her is, so she can take care of all her problems - including follow-up care, once she's out of rehab. 

They probably won't want to release her back to her car, so a social worker will probably get involved - good.  She can become that person's problem while you stay home and live your life.

None of this is your problem - your mom has created her own problems, that have gotten her this far in life.  She can go on being making bad decisions, while a social worker tries to help her - only to have any help put in place dismantled by your mom, because of reasons.

But you won't have to be involved in any of it, especially if you tell a social worker to NOT call you again - there is nothing you can do, you barely speak to her, and her life is a mess because of her own actions.

They'll write down that you're unwilling, no matter what you say - so get used to it.  It's just a cheap tactic, meant to make you feel bad.   *Don't* fall for it.

Your mom's life is hers and you are *not* responsible, just because she wound up in a hospital.  Your life doesn't get put on hold because of that. Your responsibilities don't just go away because she's in a hospital - so take care of you and your FOC, and never mind about your mom. 

I'd start blocking any FMM's that hassle you - or better still, tell them if they're that damned concerned, THEY can go see what's going on. 

Be strong - you'll get through this as long as you maintain boundaries made of titanium. 

[Liketheducks]

Thank you all!  It's been a stressful few days, but I kept my boundaries in place.
I spoke with my two siblings and we were all in agreement that Mom would have to make a decision.  That is crazy progress.   Usually, she's playing us against each other.  I can't be certain of what they're saying behind closed doors- but we were united when we spoke.   She never made a decision.   She never called us when she was discharged.   She has pardoned my brothers from visiting because she thinks they can't afford it (they can).   Me, I'm still the black sheep.   For a few days her extended family sent me hateful messages.   I'm ignoring them.   She's staying with them through her recovery.   
Still a decision, not to decide.