My parents turned me into a fictional character and "killed" the real me

[Maxtrem]

Having grown up in a toxic environment where everything had to be focused on my uBPD mother, I realized with my therapy that I had become a fictional character. A character created by my parents who must please at all costs, who must never say no, who must forget her needs and ambitions (unless they are approved by my mother)... Any behaviour that comes out of this character is directly " killed " by criticism, manipulation, disproportionate reprisals, even today at 27 years old and with professional success.  Result: I put in place a real psychic capacity to face the trials that mark out my life, acclimatizing myself constantly to the external circumstances, without ever giving up, even if it takes innumerable efforts of adaptation. In short, I meet the demands rather than taking the risk of being heard.

This character has taken control of my real self without my noticing it and recreates the behavioural pattern in my relationships with others, in the professional field, in my love life, etc... At first glance, the fictional character is not so bad, he has a good job, lots of professional ambitions, a great success in his university studies, a wonderful fiancée. On the other hand, there has always been a je ne sais quoi that was wrong with me and I realize that it's an existential emptiness and a feeling of being an empty shell. I don't know who I am and that confuses me, especially at 27.


Deep down in the depths of your being is a visceral fear that I have. A fear that "motivates" me to always take on myself, to surpass myself, but it starts to wear me down and each time a little more; anxiety problems, chronic pain due to muscle inflammation. But what can this visceral fear be?

The fictional character I have become is not only negative, a wonderful woman loves me for who I am; ambitious, empathetic, willing to help, intelligent. I also have the goal of never ending up like anyone else in my family. But how can I make readjustments in my life to change certain parameters, certain wrong data.  To build new foundations, to express my real needs, to listen to them, to respect them in order to give meaning to what I am living.

[doglady]

Maxtrem, I think yours is an incredibly profound post. What you say certainly rings true for me. We were molded into the image our parents wanted rather than allowed to be who were truly were.

So it is true that we can feel like, or actually become, what I call 'actors in our own lives' because we have been programmed to play a role from the day we were born.

No wonder you don't know who you really are. Plenty of us on this forum no doubt share your feelings. I certainly do. I also describe it as being like an imposter in my own life sometimes. And I often still resort to this role when I don't feel safe.

I think the realisation you have made can be very unsettling and destabilising - it shakes us to our foundations -  but at the same time it can set us free to start our journey to find out who we really are.

I have often wondered who we would be without our parents' 'writing' of us. The bizarre thing is that often my mother has described me to others and I have thought: I don't who you're taking about but that isn't me. So it's so strange to think they've written our program, but they still don't get  who we are. Mind-boggling really.

Anyway I am fascinated for you to find out who you are. You sound extremely wise and accomplished and that's probably not going to change but it will be interesting to see what's 'underneath' as you continue NC and explore further in therapy. Best wishes.

[athene1399]

So it is true that we can feel like, or actually become, what I call 'actors in our own lives' because we have been programmed to play a role from the day we were born.

I don't know who I am , but I know how to be/reflect back whatever others want me to be. I loathe the advice "just be yourself" becasue I don't know who that is.

I do agree with doglady that it can be unsettling to realize this, but also empowering as we can now start to discover who we are.

For me, part of my motivations was trying to finally be "good enough" for my FOO. Sometimes it showed up in perfectionism. sometimes it led me to be too afraid to try, so I would procrastinate. You already identify there is a fear that motivates you. Maybe pay attention to some of the negative chatter in your mind. What do these thoughts say? Are they your thoughts? or thoughts of your FOO? If I recognize thoughts of my FOO, I label them as their thoughts and try to invent my own. I try to figure out how I feel about something instead of agreeing with how they feel about it.

To build new foundations, to express my real needs, to listen to them, to respect them in order to give meaning to what I am living.

this is exactly it. Slowly chip away at what is you and what is them. It takes time. Change doesn't happen overnight. I started by identifying thoughts that were not mine. They were things my FOO would drive into me, repeating over and over. I now identify them as something my FOO would say and think on how i feel about the situation. I replace the negative thought about me with a self-compassionate statement .  That has helped me a lot.

[FogDawg]

On the other hand, there has always been a je ne sais quoi that was wrong with me and I realize that it's an existential emptiness and a feeling of being an empty shell. I don't know who I am and that confuses me, especially at 27.

I completely relate to this. It takes a serious toll when one is shown/told that their interests and feelings do not matter, forced into being a certain way in order to be accepted, and constantly torn down instead of supported. There was a part to be played, which had to align with their beliefs of who we should be, showing no consideration of our autonomy; we were never given a chance to discover our true selves when young and are only now coming into our own, feeling lost all the while due to having been suppressed and invalidated for so long. It is going to take time to learn who we really are underneath it all. I have slightly over a decade on you and am only starting to accept this. Be kind to yourself. Best of luck in overcoming what you have been through.

[Sweetbriar]

I am going to try to respond, but I'm already aware that this can only come from my experience. I hope though that some of this might help.

Firstly, I relate. If there is disorder and toxicity going on in a home, as the child do not get the same reflection as we would in a healthy home. Disordered parenting mirrors back to us a disordered images of who we are. We spend our entire childhood behind closed doors with these people, and what we experience of ourselves is rarely if ever challenged, unless a teacher sees something in us, or a caring adult outside the family.

In my family, I was seen one way and it was not until I left the family and spent years 1000's of miles away from them I discovered I was not the character they wrote. I was very very lucky to move into a house that I shared with some incredibly interesting and kind people. The first thing they said to me was they were so happy I was there and that I was like a ray of sunshine. They mirrored back to me something exactly the opposite of what my father had told me I was. I became so much closer to my true self while being around them. I was content and safe and therefore happy. Under my father's roof I was tense, afraid and felt hopeless and he thought that was my permanent persona. He tried to make believe that was who I was. When I'd come home for yearly visits, I'd become the depressed, quiet person I was growing up and I was astonished that it happened every time I was with my family, but when I was away from them I was not like that at all.
It made me think of a plant who has finally been given the right lighting and soil to thrive. If I had not left my parent's house, I would never have known this.

All in all, I suggest keeping your distance from toxic people as you try to find that real self. Surround yourself with the healthiest ingredients for thriving. Practice self-compassion and love and soon the character your disordered family created will melt away and the real you will be there. If you have taken on the disordered mechanisms of your parents their disorder is in your thinking, challenge it. Don't let your FOO hurt you one second longer. You are alive. You get to be who you are now.

[Andeza]

I too lived for many years as two different people. There was the real me, buried deep down, not allowed to show or be seen or heard. Then there was the fake me. The version of myself that kept her head down to get by, survive, and get out.

I've spent the last 10 years reconciling these two and trying to shape the real me version into who I want to be. Not what I have to be.

The fake me was pleasant on the surface, a people pleaser, a fixer, didn't rock the boat. The real me was cynical, sarcastic, very defensive of myself, a bit caustic, liked to lash out... Not very nice underneath the pleasant exterior. But that wasn't who I wanted to be, and after living like that for a while, I decided I wanted to be a nice person, just not a people pleaser, and willing and able to rock the boat at need. A blending of the more positive attributes, with a heavy dose of "stand up for yourself" thrown in.

It's still a work in progress, but after coming Out of the FOG I've made a lot of progress in a relatively short time. It requires a lot of self awareness, analyzing my instant reactions to the things people do and say around me. Choosing actively how to respond and how I want to feel in order to cultivate what I want to be. Do it enough, and eventually it becomes habit.

I'm determined not to be the person my mother wanted me to be. She wanted me to be the parent she didn't have. To take care of her, to be her therapist, to never judge her no matter how crazy she was... I faked it for the first 18 years of my life and it almost destroyed me. Now, I get the feeling I'm the kind of honest and unyielding person she wouldn't even choose to be friends with because I point out the truths she would rather leave buried and don't accept the excuses she makes to justify them.

I'm glad you posted, Maxtrem. So you can see you're not alone, so others can see they're not alone in this struggle. This is not something we should ever have to deal with, but the dysfunction of our families during our formative years has left its mark. We may have the scars for the rest of our lives, but we can work to heal the wounds. We don't have to be who our pds wanted us to be. We get to choose. We can make ourselves into the people we want to be, everyday, with every decision and choice we make. It's a lot of work, but it is worth it in my opinion.

Well wishes to us all on this difficult journey. Coming Out of the FOG is only the first step.

[FogDawg]

I too lived for many years as two different people. There was the real me, buried deep down, not allowed to show or be seen or heard. Then there was the fake me. The version of myself that kept her head down to get by, survive, and get out.

The real me was cynical, sarcastic, very defensive of myself, a bit caustic, liked to lash out... Not very nice underneath the pleasant exterior. But that wasn't who I wanted to be, and after living like that for a while, I decided I wanted to be a nice person, just not a people pleaser, and willing and able to rock the boat at need. A blending of the more positive attributes, with a heavy dose of "stand up for yourself" thrown in.

I think that many of us have unwittingly 'split' out of necessity in order to make it. Besides having to reconcile the two halves (your descriptions are pretty spot-on regarding myself as well), I dissociate with the best of them; a former coworker apparently called my name four times from a fairly close distance and I did not hear them even once, which they were absolutely shocked by. The abuse really does a number. Breaking a person down happens over time and there is no quick fix, unfortunately. We all have our work cut out for us and it is not right.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can understand what you mean, my experience isn't far different from yours.

For myself, an important defining moment was when my lightbulb finally 'came on' and a resounding "I am NOT that person, they one they see me as".

So I went thru all of their messages and emails, where they name-called and belittled me, making note of each hateful name they used to define me. It was excessive and extreme, as well as very telling on the vile nature of who my parents were.

So, I decided... This person they have defined; this is their new son! Enjoy him! Call him whatever you like, smear him, whatever makes you happy, because he is your new son; NOT ME.

So, my resolve is this: My parents can't have both of us. They chose this other being that they have created that fits their definition of who I am; but they can't have him and me. They chose him, and my life has been peace & happiness since I have shed the narcs.

Best 2 1/2 years of my life!

[Maxtrem]

Update:
Thank you very much for your comments and your precious help. The problem with the fictional character that my parents created (according to my mother I will never be enough for her and everyone thinks like her), but many people like this character. He is efficient at work, ambitious, kind, doesn't say no, is extremely empathetic (maybe an innate trait that would have saved me according to my doctor)... It's as if the character killed my real self and took over, it's strange to explain. But I'm going to try to rediscover myself, my pains and anxiety problems make me understand that it's a necessity now.

[Sweetbriar]

I understand what you are saying. What she created is effective for you, for her and for the world. It seems like you are saying you want to revive all parts of yourself, esp. the parts your mother would have not liked, and that's so exciting. It's like a Jungian trip into the underworld, where you meet each aspect of yourself and get to know them. I wonder if writing about this experience might help you? Give some time and curiosity to the parts that are being held back and down. I don't think they're dead. I think they're waiting for rescue???? Don't share any of this with your mom though. (I am not sure if you are NC.) Take care of yourself if you do this.

[athene1399]

I think I understand what you ares ayign as well, Maxtrem. Like some of the fictional you is good traits.

I struggle with this as well. I feel like the "real" me is a terrible, cranky, selfish person (like how fogdawg and Andeza describe), yet I don't want to be the "fake" me who has to never say no, has to drop everything if someone needs help so I can be selfless because that fake me is exhausting. I've learned that taking care of yourself is not selfish, even though my FOO would lead me to believe that. So maybe that's part of what you are struggling with, "this fictional me is a good person, why would I deviate from that?"

This is something I haven't completely figured out myself. Maybe the real me is that balance between the two extremes. I am not sure.

I think rediscovery is a good start. I think recognizing this is a good start as well. I'm sure there are many people who don't realize they are living their "fictional character" lives. You shoud be proud of yourself for recognizing this.

[athene1399]

I also wanted to add that maybe we feel the "real" us is terrible and selfish becasue that's what our disordered FOO led us to believe. And while that version of us isn't perfect, maybe they aren't as bad as we think.  And if our "fake" selves have "good" traits, that doesn't make them perfect either. 

I hope I'm not getting off topic. I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I struggle with my sense of self.

[Maxtrem]

Update

For those who have noticed similarities between my story and theirs, my psychologist made me read Alice Miller's book which provides an answer to this post. Children who grew up in an environment where the needs of the parents had to come before their own at all times, where everything that displeased the parents was belittled, criticized, manipulated, etc... in short, who experienced conditional love (under psychological and/or physical violence), to cope with the feeling of abandonment, the child sometimes develops a fictitious personality (the false self), which corresponds to the parents' expectations. The true self is deeply buried, because of the denial of this phenomenon. For my mother uBPD, it was the one I pretended to be that she loved - this wise, understanding and dependable child, this pleasant child, full of empathy and understanding, who, in fact, was not a child.

Once in adulthood, these children are confronted with depersion or the quest for grandiosity.  But where the balance between the two is very thin, because both are confronted with the famous existential emptiness of being strangers to themselves. For my part, my academic, professional and financial accomplishments would be a quest for "grandiosity" in order to be loved for my achievements. Achievements are objective, quantifiable and give the illusion of being loved, even for a short time. On the other hand, depression can come at any time following a failure in the quest for grandiosity. This is the risk of building one's self-esteem on superficial criteria (achievements).

The fact that I must please at all costs, that I never say no, that my needs are always secondary, that I acclimatize myself constantly to the external circumstances, without ever giving up, even if it takes innumerable efforts of adaptation (In short, I meet the demands rather than taking the risk of being heard), even if it's the false self, is that in my childhood without these "qualities" I probably wouldn't have been loved. We were programmed from childhood to display the false self to be loved, so finding the real self can be difficult.   

In order to recover our true self, we should become aware of what happened to us in childhood and access our emotions repressed from our childhood. Emotions that our PDPs have forbidden us to feel under the threat of reprisals. For example, my psychologist made me realize that I am incapable of feeling resentment, I just intellectualize it. My psychologist also told me that it would be useless to work so hard to find the one we would have been if we had grown up in a non-toxic environment, since we will never know. We have to build the true self with what is today, but by deciding to choose this self and to recognize its limitations (which we never had the right to have).   

Good luck to all in the quest of finding the true self.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Maxtrem, this is all great stuff. Thank you for sharing. Summing up, the narcissist would force us to do what they have done themselves, create a false image and preserve it at all costs.

If I may ask without getting too off topic, what do you do with the information that you are incapable of feeling resentment or any other emotion? How do you access those?

As far as finding my own identity, I found that there elements of who my parents forced me to be that actually do fit with who I would and do choose to be. And that's okay. A broken clock is right twice a day after all. For example, my mother told me as a child that I was exceptionally compassionate. She had her own reasons for that, I believe she was grooming me from an early age to be her confidante and emotional dumping ground. I found that I want to keep the compassion and empathy, but to temper that with the healthy boundaries I was never permitted as a child and am learning as an adult. I think it's natural enough to rebel and want to be the opposite of whatever the mold was for us. Oftentimes that's a good enough way to be, but sometimes our parents did teach us something good. They may not have done it for good reasons, but good nonetheless. It was uncomfortable to admit that, because it plays into the "All I've done for you!" Guilt trip. But they didn't do it for us. They did it for themselves.

[Maxtrem]

If I may ask without getting too off topic, what do you do with the information that you are incapable of feeling resentment or any other emotion? How do you access those?

She had her own reasons for that, I believe she was grooming me from an early age to be her confidante and emotional dumping ground. I found that I want to keep the compassion and empathy, but to temper that with the healthy boundaries I was never permitted as a child and am learning as an adult.

@Call Me Cordelia you're right, you have to build your own identity with the ability to set boundaries. And yes, with empathy it is possible to grow up in a toxic environment and come out of it with great qualities . For the emotions that are not felt (resentment in my case), it is necessary to leave more room for the felt, I work on it in therapy, since at the moment my understanding is at an intellectual level only.

[EscapeGoat]

My uBPD M was a master of projecting her own personalittly traits onto her children, e.g. "Your sis likes to gossip, so don't tell her about X."

My sis did not gossip any more than a normal teen would. My M, on the other hand... Hooooh boy!  Let's put it this way, I eventually refused to accompany her to social events.

It's mind-boggling when you escape their clutches, and suddenly realize that your entire self-image was a result of brainwashing and projection. 
I'm still working in therapy to distinguish the truths from the falsehoods. It's even more disconcerting when they brainwash you into believing you are X personaliy trait, and therefore you subconsciously fulfill their prophecy! Definitely has a long-term impact on your self-identity. I wish you luck on finding yourself.

[Mariposa]

Maxtrem,

Which Alice Miller book do you refer to in your post that your therapist recommended reading? I've been reading a lot on childhood emotional neglect. Spent a few years on this site dealing with my ex-husband who was ASPD.  I've realized now how I got involved in that situation. Working on healing myself from my childhood.  Sounds like a good read per your post.

[Maxtrem]

@Maripose this is the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. The author is one of the pioneers in the study of "invisible" abuse by parents on their children and its consequences in adulthood. It is a book that tends to explore the fact that many children who have experienced abuse by their parents have done well professionally, adapt easily to anything ... but have an inner emptiness, a feeling of being strangers to themselves, have difficulty feeling happiness, live in denial of their abuse thinking that it was normal, and often end up sinking into depression. I recommend it to you, it's an excellent book, I personally recognized myself in it, especially at the beginning and at the end. 

[Mariposa]

Dextrem,
Thank you, I will order it!

[BeanerJane]

It has always deeply pissed me off that I was expected to fit into a mold. Squeezing into that child sized mold ensured my BPDmother received praise for a well groomed, well spoken, polite child/doll.  As an adult I resented still being smoothed, corrected, and prompted for a desired response.  My wedding is a perfect example.  At my reception my BPDm chased me around the room closely monitoring how much champagne I'd consumed (1 glass).  Her frenemies and family were in town for the gala. Mustn't let BeanerJane's cheeks pinken, her shoes be kicked off under the table, or a boisterous laugh escape!  She took a CD of pre-chosen music to the DJ and had him turn off the list of top 40 hits people were dancing to.  My own wedding was co-opted to display her taste and throughout the day I was tweaked and admonished.  I wish in retrospect that we'd eloped or had a small beach-side wedding in the Bahamas.  At least I would've enjoyed it.