Emotional object constancy

Sojourner17 · July 25, 2019, 11:36:37 AM

I am reading the book Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud. In it he writes about bonding and failure to bond. It's triggering some deep emotions in me. He talks about emotional object constancy and how it is knowing you are okay and loved even when you are not with the people you love.
I'm struggling with this. With knowing I am loved even in the silence, when I'm apart and alone. I know it is related to what is going on in relationship with my mom. Being separate/ other than was NOT / is NOT okay. I don't feel loved or cherished. It's an area where my inner child needs to be grown up but I'm scared and I don't know how. I'm scared to open this up to my husband. I feel like a scared little girl. I just want to know that I'm okay. I'm enough. I'm loved... even though right now I feel like a baby in an adult body.
Anyone else experience this? Tears are pouring down my face right now.

Hazy111 · July 25, 2019, 11:40:44 AM

Yes i know.

Being raised by PD parents causes it. We develop an insecure attachment with our mother .

Cat of the Canals · July 25, 2019, 01:10:31 PM

I definitely know that feeling, and it's usually triggered the moment I am driving away after a visit with my mother. I have this rush of relief (because I am going home) and also this overwhelming feeling of guilt, as if leaving her is wrong and that I somehow didn't "give" enough. I've started literally talking to myself out loud when it happens.

"I am enough. I visited and gave my time. I was present and thoughtful and loving. I did all I could do. I am enough. I gave enough. I have nothing to feel bad about."

You are enough, Sojourner17. All by yourself, you are enough!

Amadahy · July 25, 2019, 01:21:42 PM

Oh, Sojourner, do I know! I had not felt enough - ever - before I knew my mom was NPD. I felt weak and childlike, always looking or acquiescing to the opinions of other adults. My husband knew this difficulty even before I did — he was always affirming me, extolling my gifts, etc. You might be surprised at how much your DH already knows or senses.

I felt so invisible I'd reintroduce myself to people I didn't see often — surely they didn't remember me, I thought.

In my case, talk therapy coupled with EMDR has helped me to help that inner wounded child to gradually grow into womanhood. It's a process, but sometimes it works so quickly it takes my breath, too, so then we work on that. LOL.

I am confident you can find a path to love and nurture that inner child. I find we are often given insight and tools when we are ready, even if tears come. Those tears are appropriate grief — you feel sad and it is healthy to express.

Much good juju to you as you continue the very hard work of healing. ❤️

Boat Babe · July 25, 2019, 02:45:19 PM

Hi there, as Philip Larkin wrote "They fuck you up, your mum and dad"
My reaction was not sadness but anger. I was a very angry teen and young adult and caused problems for myself and others. I also found myself in an abusive relationship with a very disordered PD man. Slowly, over time, I have worked on all this and am in a much better place.
You sound like you have come Out of the FOG and are looking at your awful childhood with a lot of clarity, which is bound to cause pain. So, what do you do next?
You do the work of taking very good care of yourself as a primary focus. Gather the support you need, get some therapy if you can afford it and keep talking. OOF is a great place to share experiences, feelings and have a good vent. We all get it.
Sending you a great big hug from a fellow survivor and thriver. ❤️❤️❤️

Sojourner17 · July 25, 2019, 03:11:45 PM

Thank you all. Cat of the Canals- I like the idea of self talk . Ie telling myself I am enough. I am okay, I am loved. It's like I feel anxiety and my breathing gets shallow. I need to slow it down and breathe through the emotion. Yes, I'd get the same feeling before things really fell apart. My parents would stand outside and watch me leave. They looked sad and it would induce guilt. Didn't stay long enough, didn't do enough, not enough. And then in other situations I'd exert independent choice and get anger or cut off. Heck even as a baby I got that... and behaviour then was more instinct than anything.
Yes Amahdy I aquiece to the opinions of others. I'm surprised when people remember who I am. Even with my closest friends I try to open up about what is important to me or have an opinion but I often feel like it's unimportant or ppl can't be bothered to converse about it. I feel like a vapour or a mist. I'm there but no one takes notice, makes choices for me or around me. When I step up and try to voice my discomfort it's at best ignored, at worst punished.
My hubby has been pretty good when I do bring up day to day things where I felt hurt or embarrassed but I'm scared for him to see how much of a child I still am. And yes, he probably knows more than I think. He sometimes says I play the victim/have a victim mentality. I know he doesn't say it to hurt me but bc he knows that sometimes saying such things gets me working on things again.

I'm glad I'm reading this book. It's just hard at times. I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and a big lump in my throat. I'm glad it's nap/quiet time so I can just let the tears come.

MamaDryad · July 28, 2019, 08:09:43 AM

Oh yes, I've absolutely got that. I remember in the early days of my relationship with my wife, there was some part of me that really believed that when she was asleep, I'd be bothering her by being near her, that when she woke up, she wouldn't love me anymore. Yes, I know that's nuts, but it was a strong gut feeling, every night. And yet, she'd wake up and be the same kind, loving person she had been the day before.

You mention nap time/quiet time, Sojourner17, which makes me think you might be parenting a young child? My son is three, and I have found that taking care of small children really triggers this particular set of issues. We get to see how quickly their feelings and moods change, but we also see how they always love and need us, how much they need us to be a constant, reassuring presence. And I think it often brings up emotions from when we were that age as well. You are doing such a hard and scary and necessary thing in working to break this cycle.

Sojourner17 · July 29, 2019, 11:30:20 AM

Thank you Mamadryad, yes, parenting myself brings these issues up for sure. I can see where my own children are developmentally and what I'm giving them/not giving them/how I have to assert boundaries with them but want to do it in a healthy way. It's like I'm parenting without a roadmap in some ways.

I'm almost done the book now. When I get a chance I will review it on here. Like his other books, this one is super helpful.

Twinkletoes88 · July 30, 2019, 09:58:55 AM

Oh yesss... this was a huge part of my therapy for a very long time. As someone has already said, growing up with a PD parent(s) often means that we do not attach securely to our caregivers and therefore become "insecurely attached" - that was me to an absolute T when I met my therapist 5 years ago. It was me in all romantic relationships (probably all and any relationships actually, but I was painfully aware I was insecure in romantic relationships).

The main thing to know is that it isn't your fault - we didn't get to attach securely like most children do because we didn't have a parent(s) who were able to provide that care/love/bonding/patience etc etc.

Anyway, sorry I am blabbering on. I just wanted to say that with A LOT of work, this can be improved to the point of virtually not existing. I would class myself as securely attached now in my marriage and in my relationship with my therapist and probably my Dad and friends too - something I honestly never thought I would be able to say - ever!!

You basically need to have it modeled time and time again that despite being out of sight, you are "held in mind" - that is not something you can rush (more to the pity!!).

A book you may find useful is called "attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" - it is about romantic partners and relationships but even if you are not interested in it for that reason, it is very, very helpful and interesting to see how we and others work due to their attachment type.

If your mum is PD'd then she may have boundary issues and perhaps from what you write, you were enmeshed with her? PD parents do not tolerate boundaries/space or "other" - so you have basically been taught to merge with her. Sadly I had a very similar experience and it has taken me 5 years so far to separate from her and individuate but that is something you have to do for your own sake and for the sake of any future relationships.

Wishing you peace and happiness x

Hazy111 · July 30, 2019, 10:49:34 AM

Twinkletoes88 yes you are right.

My mother merged with me. She was uBPD and i was the "good child" . Christine Lawson explains how the BPD mother emotionally merges with the "good child"

Sojourner17 · August 01, 2019, 10:48:26 AM

Twinkletoes yes, very enmeshed but insecure. I'd get lectures about how I hurt her for doing normal individual things ( ie, I covered my Bible with a collage of pictures that I loved when I was 24, she was upset because she had given me that Bible, how dare I change it, she's so hurt etc).

It's effecting my marriage you guys. I've put myself as a child /immature in the relationship and have lied repeatedly about money and my management of it. I did it as recently as yesterday. I need to go to my husband and change my behaviour but I've done that a few times over the past two years and I'm still struggling. I get glimmers of times when I can see it from his point of view and it grieves me but then I slip back into fear/ guilt/ shame.
I'm scared I'm going to lose my marriage.