Intro + 1st step is acknowledging the issue, they say

[Artemis]

Dear all,

I'm rather new here. I have been reading many posts and the toolbox eagerly, and I can't express how much every bit of human connection (even though I was silent in my research) and practical advice has helped me.

As a short intro, I am a daughter of a narc mother and it took me many decades to have the first "this is it" moment, purely by chance and I random convergence of situations. Once I seen it, I could not un-see it.
It's been a long journey but I am strong on that front.

For the better or for the worse, the self-educating journey I went through to even come to terms with my ... sigh... history with her, so much I felt and lived through that did not make sense no matter how I approached the memories or feelings, moving to the next step of pain and acceptance, and finally some liberation by NC - all this led me to the realisation that I was repeating this same dynamics in many of my relationships and friendships.
In fact, I was kind of inviting this sort of dynamics in chosen friendships and romantic relationships.

Long story short, I am stuck and suffocated in a "chosen relationship" that at first glance is as toxic as it was with my mother.

However, trying to be fair (or because I'm still in the fog?), I'm confused if it is as clear as day that I am repeating the patterns, or if I am now projecting the fears of living with a narc parent toward someone who is not one...?

And I am struggling daily with my values of being fair and analytical vs my awareness that I may be blinded by my past experience and my unconscious Pavlov "training" to accept and cherish love that is conditional, intermittent and requires trade-offs to my self-preservation.

I thank you all again for this webpage and forum, that have been a watershed step for me in this quest.

Peace and strength,
A.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group,

i'm sorry the past has contributed to the issues you are currently dealing with.  until i had a similar AHA moment about my biological mother, i was also recreating our relationship with my ex so i can totally identify with what you are saying.

here's the billionty dollar question.  when you say stuck are you not able to leave and needing support, wanting to work it out or work on you and remain in the relationship and need support, or not sure where you are going and which option is best-  just asking so we can point you to the board/ boards that may help the most.  of course you are welcome to post on any/ all boards that pertain to your situation as long as you are not making duplicate posts-  i'd suggest both the working on it and separating divorcing boards as a start, just so you see what some of the other members are doing to make the day to day interactions better when they are dealing with a PD. 

you took a big first step.  take a deep breath and just keep taking baby steps as you find your way and what's best for your heart and healing.

[Artemis]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and for taking the time to reply to my intro, and for helping me to direct my next steps and posts. Thank you for the understanding and connection.

It is indeed the billion dollar question. I am not able to leave and I don't know why. It's mostly in my mind. I somehow see the fog and the smoke and mirrors as clear as daylight. And the next minute, I gaslight myself as an expert, and believe it's all just a tiny misunderstanding.... or my own overthinking...or not as bad as it seems. I don't know what it seems like. But I know it feels bad. 

I need support. Thank you so much for asking.
Financial, yes. Real life friends or humans, yes (yet for a number of reasons I can't reach out, or so I convince myself reinforcing my own learned helplessness).

But above and beyond, I am in desperate need of validation, or criticism if required, I desperately need perspective. Honest, even brutally honest, perspective.

I need this so much because I am afraid, I am my worst enemy.
It is not him who is keeping me prisoner. I somehow cheque-mated myself.
In my quest to be fair, I dissect every bit of factual and hopefully unbiased information I can get my hands on – about me, about him, about us, about what seems to be real. Yet that factual information is close to zero. Everything is smoke and mirrors.

And the little I am able to solidly grasp and jot down, screams "cognitive dissonance" so loud I want to run away - yet I don't know to which parallel reality I want to escape to. He is Jekyll and Hyde. Or he is a sadistic twisted narc. Or he is a good guy just very confused but with good intentions. He changes often. My certainty changes every minute. 

Thank you for your guidance again. I guess at the moment. I am choosing to stay in the relationship, yet I don't know why. But I also want out. I read every post in the divorcing board I could, and then fell back into the fog. And then promised I would work on myself.

I'm sorry it is so messy. Thank you so very much for your words. It made me cry and at the same time realise it is real, and I can deal with it, because it will – hopefully – become tangible. And once it is a bit more tangible, hopefully I can understand what I am running away from, and hopefully learn more about what I should seek to make me feel safe, happier and respected.
It's funny how "normal" it becomes going through life without the basics of respect and safety.

Peace,
A.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

Welcome. I am also the daughter of an undiagnosed NPD mother.

The dissection you end up doing right now is common.

We all have a different journey. Each relationship with us and a PD is unique. The relationship is unique, but there are some similar experiences. I could relate to much in your post.

Because NPD operates with a set of particular traits, it tends to produce feelings of confusion in others, especially the children of NPD parents. I was confused a lot until I too read more about NPD abuse.

My own perspective on your situation that you've described is that it can be helpful to consider the different needs we have. One need we have is safety and one is belonging. You may feel conflicted about leaving your partner because you feel a belonging with him.

I learned a lot when I read up on trauma bonding. I kept the relationship going with my NPD parent for years longer than if this had been a neighbour or even partner. The bond I  was in was very strong, and I had to override some of the stuff I believed, so that I could see that although I wanted the other person to love me, in actuality the relationship was hurting me to the point where the boundary was needed, to protect me.

It sounds like there are parts of him you like. I think there are people here who can relate to that.

Most of us harbour hopes for our relationships to become better over time. I don't believe that challenges in adult relationships improve unless both people can address the root issues to some extent.

As per my screen name, when I think about trees, they all grow at their own pace but they all have a root system. Without that root system, they do not grow. Relationships can be rooted in poor soil, can have weak roots, can get attacked by disease, can lack nutrients, just like trees. It sounds like there are times where you feel clarity about what this relationship does and doesn't have in terms of it's root system?

I will share with you something that could fit for you too, as I read your 2 posts here about your current relationship. I learned this here from others, and from different books as well.

A person does not have to have a PD for them to be a poor fit for us. A person can be someone we love, but cannot have a close relationship with.

A person can have a good side- most all of us do- but is unable to manage their own anger without hurting the people they feel close to.

A person with NPD often has a well developed public persona that can change dramatically if they are in private with someone they believe will tolerate their outbursts.

Non-PDs have a private self as well but there are differences in how they understand themselves, compared to most NPDs.

It sounds like reading is helpful for you. The toolbox here gives clear info about relationships with PDs. Let us know what you find that you want to discuss. Lots of folks here with experiences in these types of relationships.