"God Put You In My Heart" and other phrases... - Fear of Betrayal

[Kittenkatboots]

For background:
My mother has BPD and I was raised in the Christian Protestant church. Throughout my childhood, being involved in the church consisted of playing pretend. Not saying anything that made my mother or family look bad. And the little that I would do, (cut a fringe without my mother's permission, wear mix-match socks) were enough for my mother to punish me by giving me the cold shoulder and not coming home for days at a time.

For a period in my early 20's, I struggled with my faith and stopped regularly attending services. I stopped praying and cultivating my relationship with God. Around my 25th birthday, I came back to the Lord.

I now get so put off by this phrase "God put you in my heart today, is there anything I could pray for you".

It often comes from people I am not closely associated to. With very little follow up or explaining that they have gone through XYZ circumstance, it feels very uncomfortable.

I understand that I can be sensitive of ploys to gather information as that was part of my BPD mother's shame tactics. And also tactics I've seen pulled by people who have attempted to bully me outside of the home.

People who are closer to me or with whom I have a relationship where we bare each other's loads don't talk like this to one another. It comes off as though the person is trying to bypass having a rapport to keep tabs on you than actually making intercession on your behalf.

I struggle with hearing this phrase or similar phrases with sincerity. I know everyone is at a different place in their walk with Christ but it comes off condescending if we don't already have a relationship where I'm divulging my secrets anyways.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you deal with Christian-isms in Church settings? If you used to feel triggered/uncomfortable with this phrase, how did you overcome that discomfort?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh I so hear you. I'm Catholic but church growing up was certainly an exercise in playing pretend for me too. Although your mother quite literally abandoning you for your "infractions" seems really extreme! For me it was more verbal shaming.

That said, I'm grateful you pointed out how, "You're on my heart today," might come across. I know I've said it. Sincerely, I hope. But yes, I have also been a witness to how "intercession" can very easily be a cover for gossip and fishing for personal information/drama/supply. If you feel uncomfortable with it, I think your sense is more likely to be right than not. Am I right in thinking you are feeling ashamed of your distrust here? Nobody is entitled to know your personal affairs, even if they dress it up in religious caring language. Perhaps answering something vanilla like, "That's kind of you, I always appreciate prayer!" would serve your purposes in these situations.

[Kittenkatboots]

Yeah... I'm realizing that I do this often. At first, it's wanting to take in more information with consideration that I could be wrong. But in some instances like these and having boundaries, I believe that I am wrong out the gate or can be too heavy handed in my assessments.
But the truth is that when I do have an assessment, I'm not wrong. When I slow myself down, I can pick up on what's happening and what I need to do for myself.
Having friends who have a different upbringing and play the game leads me to think that I'm doing something wrong for having more hardline boundaries.
As much as I'm used to standing alone in my opinions, deep down inside, I think there's something wrong with me for it. (I'm definitely bringing this up in therapy this week      )

[The_Inversed_Sight]

Very fascinating Kittenkatboots,
I too grew up in a similar Christian household and was raised on similar principles. As I grew up in the church, I began to grow tired of 'playing pretend' too as you put it. It's frustrating, and a lot of it was just everyone trying to rile each other up into an emotional/spiritual powwow.

It's not that I left my faith, but I now tend to have a more modern outlook on things and have butted heads against attending more traditional churches because of it. (I left my current church during the Covid crisis and have not found a church that I can feel comfortable in yet due to a difference in religious opinions...)

Certain phrases used in the church were often ruined by my narcissistic family members using them to both gather information about me and also look like they're genuinely concerned for my wellbeing, so I tend to be very wary of anyone using these terms when I do attend a spiritual event.

If someone you don't have a personal rapport with is saying those phrases in a friendly manner and you can grin and bear it, that's probably for the best. It's just kind of a default response for people to say out of politeness, but I can strongly understand why it might rub you the wrong way and it doesn't feel genuine. No matter what, you don't owe anyone a response.

It might be for the best to just take a break from that setting and do something different. For a period of time, I read personal devotions and talked to small spiritual groups off and on. It wasn't a consistent thing, but it was a refreshing change of pace.

[1footouttadefog]

I have learned to have friendships at varying levels of depth in order to keep them healthy.  Some are superficial as that is the best I can do with that person. 

For that matter I try to keep everyone in that lower level of engagement at first to have a chance to screen them for red flags.  Having someone want to jump right in is now seen as a red flag where in the past I was often reciprocating the too much too fast dynamic.

I treat church members the same way.  I think I would as you are proceed with caution.  On the other hand I might engage a little just in case this person needs reciprocity and for some reason saw me as a safe person to approach.  Ie, I would engage a little in case they need ministered to themselves. 

I might answer with something like, Well there is always that overall challenge to stay on the straight and narrow.  Oh also, I struggle with keeping my joy when I hear a news broadcast.  Between you and me, sometimes I catch myself wanting to use language I aught not, maybe too often If I am honest.  Is there anything I can lift you in prayer over?

For me this would be an honest answer about things I do need to work on and need prayer over but it would not be trusting them with anything I would not want public. Anyone who knows me would have already heard me change words in mid sentence. Example In his letters Paul really pis....p..picks some tough topics to discuss.

I agree that such could very well be info digging and nosiness.  Not all denominations have such things as part of the church culture, so that is a consideration.