Reflection

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi everyone,

So after my last encounter with possible ASPD/NPDex, I've been reflecting on what I've experienced and how to move forward.

One question that lingers when re-reading resources and the experiences of others here is how do I know I am not a PD? He has provoked me into reacting emotionally to the point where I wonder if I am BPD? Or when I provide cold, distant responses in an effort to make myself look boring/uninteresting, I feel like I am like him.

How have you made it past this stage of healing?

[SparkStillLit]

I don't personally feel that someone who has been provoked and harassed by another person into a reaction of some kind can be labeled as anything but human.
If you just trotted that behavior out for no reason or on purpose or because of some brain chemistry glitch then ok. Maybe yes you do have a PD.
Same with your MC. You've had to TRAIN yourself to MC as a specific response to ugly behavior by another person. It's not a PD, that's not how they work. You're not going to "become" that just because it's a coping tool you now have against gross behavior. You're using a reasonable tool against abuse, you're not abusing and using (for example) ST as a weapon.
It's perfectly ok and reasonable to have tools and skills against abuse!!! (Sorry we need them at all!!!)

[treesgrowslowly]

Self awareness and insight are two traits to look for.

The way you react to PDs isn't a good guage of who you are as a person since the PD is not a safe person.

People can struggle with moods, depression and or anxiety and that doesn't mean they have BPD.

Trees

[athene1399]

PDs are often formed as a result of abuse or mistreatment in childhood. It is theorized that personalities stop forming in early adulthood (early 20s). That is why you cannot diagnose a PD until then (the age may be after 18. I cannot remember off the top of my head). Generally, you cannot have a bad relationship and get a PD. You can get fleas and all sorts of other behaviors. It is a traumatizing experience and trauma reactions often look like PD symptoms.

IMO i think the bottom line is not do you or do you not have a PD, but how can you heal from this traumatic relationship.

I personally view my behaviors through a PD lens (I am BPD-ish/uBPD) and that does help me to identify problematic behaviors and be aware of them. it has helped me to become mindful. But, the ultimate changes and healing takes place when you work on processing the underlying trauma IMO. I do that by working through the emotions I was denied during the abuse. I experience the anger from being treated unfairly. I was never allowed to feel anything aside from accepting the abuse.  Reading abotu radical acceptance has helped me with some things too.

I'm sure that healing looks different for everyone though. So find your own way to heal. Many here can help or a T can help.

I am very glad that you are no longer in that relationship. Reflecting on things is a good start.

[Spygirl]

I struggled with being "the problem" when i left..totally believed most of it was my fault.

Then i started to see the shrink. I asked if i was the PD?  I was actingnwith somemof the behaviors listed.

She said "no, you are not. Here is why. YOU are the person sitting in the chair looking for help and clarity. YOU have insight that something is terribly wrong. A PD would not be here unless court ordered "

I still wonder sometimes, but its the accumulative  body  of behaviors and lack of actions that eventually convinced me that i have some.fleas, but even those i am discarding.

You will be ok. Be patient.

[1footouttadefog]

I would analize you behaviours with others in contrast to with him.

Do you do the things you are concerned about around others? Do you do them unorovoked?  Are they chronic and habitual behaviours or occasional and in reaction to abuse. 

[theonetoblame]

Another one of 'us' -- welcome to the Gaslight Club!

If you ever have the time, perhaps consider reading some seminal works by Viktor Frankl. His thoughts and insights into the belief that humans have an innate "will to meaning" are beautiful and at times profound. This is in contrast to the "will to power" of Neitzche, or the "will to death" of Freud.

One of my favorite quotes of Frankl is "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior." With truth and sincerity, this is my mantra when working through my own responses and reactions to the PD people in my life.

My second favorite quote of Frankl is "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." I find this quote very powerful, it reminds me that I am in control of my response. If I CHOOSE to be cold and distant as a way to MANAGE a PD person, this is me acting from a place of free will not me behaving reactively and blindly like a PD person would.