My Covert Narcissist mother has died

[Bonnie78]

I am both broken-hearted and relieved.  She was the same to the bitter end, often loving and kind to my face, but endlessly trying to provoke conflict between me and my brother.  She loudly professed that she loved her children equally and that she was leaving her estate to be split between the two of us.  This was the rankest hypocrisy as I knew she had been secretly giving my brother hundreds of thousands of dollars for years. 

I looked after her when she was sick, and I was kind to her, and I never confronted her.  Because I had lost any desire to genuinely connect or try to make things right between us.  I knew things couldn't be right because SHE was not right.  I hoped she wouldn't try to apologize to me or bring up past conflict, because I knew what she had done was past fixing.  She did what she did, and the result was that I didn't love her the way I used to.  And I didn't want to change that.  It's much more comfortable NOT to love someone who hurts you.

Still, my feelings are complicated.  I felt real grief at her passing.  I will miss her.  The good parts of her.  I will not miss waiting for the other shoe to drop or wondering what new way she will find to hurt me and show me I don't matter.  It's somewhat difficult to negotiate the condolences, when people tell me how wonderful she was.  I nod and agree, because what else can you do?  And I can tell they want me to join them in their tears, but I can't.  In some ways she was wonderful.  In others she was a nightmare.  The cognitive dissonance is too much to deal with, so I just leave it at that.

[SerenityCat]

 

I was both sad  and so relieved when my mean narcissistic mother died.

I miss the good in her, the potential that I sometimes glimpsed, I miss the mother that I never really had.

Condolences to you Bonnie. In our own way, I think many of us understand.

[Amadahy]

Strength and peace, Bonnie. May you be surrounded with love and light.  Answers may elude us because language falls woefully short of the heart's knowing. And that's okay.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thinking of you Bonnie. Grieving a covert Narcissistic parent is complicated. Condolences to you as you go through this process.

[bloomie]

Sending you strength and peace as you process this loss and the wash of emotions it brings.

[MyEyesROpen]

I understand your feelings Bonnie. My condolences. Your feelings at this time will be very complicated.

My enabling borderline father died earlier this year.....and when I found out, I felt nothing but relief........it was both disturbing and confusing. I had no tears. I expected to feel something more. In fact I felt broken because I wasn't feeling anything. But then I realised that I had mourned already,  when I finally went NC with my parents six years ago. I'd been heartbroken then by their treatment of me. I think I did all my crying six years ago and I just had no more to give. DH kept studying me, expecting me to suddenly break down, but I just felt numb and still do. I keep quiet when I see good friends grieving over the loss of a loved parent. I can't relate and that above anything else will bring tears to my eyes.

Like you said, you can miss the good memories of them......if you had any...... and yet be relieved that you're not going to be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It's complicated.

[JenniferSmith]

Sorry for your loss. Remember you're allowed to have any feelings you have, regardless of how conflicted they may be. Take good care of yourself. 

[Wilderhearts]

Still, my feelings are complicated.  I felt real grief at her passing.  I will miss her.  The good parts of her.  I will not miss waiting for the other shoe to drop or wondering what new way she will find to hurt me and show me I don't matter.  It's somewhat difficult to negotiate the condolences, when people tell me how wonderful she was.  I nod and agree, because what else can you do?  And I can tell they want me to join them in their tears, but I can't.  In some ways she was wonderful.  In others she was a nightmare.  The cognitive dissonance is too much to deal with, so I just leave it at that.

I hear so many parallels in our experiences of losing an N parent, Bonnie, and I really feel for you. My uNPDf was also the same until the very end.  It's been 15 years since my uNPDf passed, so my grief has evolved, you could say.  The ambivalence of experiencing gratitude and grief has not gone away, but the cognitive dissonance and pain that used to accompany it mostly has.  I know now I don't need to feel regret or shame for being grateful that I'm safe, that I could learn to better love myself and others.  Some days now, I can even just simply be sad that my dad died, and I'm grateful for that clean kind of pain.  You've clearly put the work into understanding your mother and yourself already - I expect it will come to you, and I hope it comes soon.  Wishing you comfort,
WH

[Bonnie78]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.  I think this is the only place where I know people will understand.  It is lonely to be in this situation.

I agree with MyEyesROpen that I did a lot of my grieving already, when I accepted that she was not the mother she had been pretending to be.  Accepting that when she was abusive and mean, it was a feature of her personality, not an aberration.  Accepting that she was hurting me on purpose.  That was very hard to face and it hurt a lot.   

But it's hard to overstate how freeing it is when you finally accept unhappy truths that you can't control.  If I had not accepted her the way she was, dealing with her illness and death would have been almost unbearable, as I would have been frantically racing against time trying to so hard to connect with her, to get her to love me, to get her to explain why she did hurtful things, to get her to see my point of view.  As it was, I didn't want her to do anything and I didn't need any validation from her.  I was able to have compassion and love, but still be somewhat detached.

And now that she is gone, the grief is much less than I anticipated and I can't help thinking "Well, at least all those times that I cried because I felt rejected and alone and unwanted were good for something.  Because I grieved then, I don't have to do it now." So much of my life has been taken up with dealing from the fallout of this broken mother, I don't want to give up any more time and energy to the pain she caused. My therapist says that the reason my grief is not worse is because I am free of her toxicity now, and that is making me feel better.

But it's so shocking to think that this woman - who worked hard to provide for us, to teach us things, to look after us - threw away what she worked so hard for.  Threw away the natural love of her children.  And for what?  Just to "win".  To show she had the upper hand, always.  All the good things that she did were tainted by the bad.  It's that more than anything that makes me feel sorry for her.  What a waste.  What a missed opportunity to love.

I feel very grateful for all the people in all the books, forums and meetings who said: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.  It's a hard thing to internalize, but eventually you can do it. 

[MyEyesROpen]

"But it's so shocking to think that this woman - who worked hard to provide for us, to teach us things, to look after us - threw away what she worked so hard for.  Threw away the natural love of her children.  And for what?  Just to "win".  To show she had the upper hand, always.  All the good things that she did were tainted by the bad.  It's that more than anything that makes me feel sorry for her.  What a waste.  What a missed opportunity to love."

Your so right.

It is shocking and almost impossible to understand how a person can be such a way. This is what I personally find so difficult to come to terms with, about so many of my own FOO. To choose to hurt and alienate your own children is especially hard to understand. When you've experienced  how powerful the love for your own children can be, it's hard to imagine a person can be so broken and dysfunctional that their PD can over ride this and yet it must. I try to think of PD as a form of addiction and seems to help me process things better.

[athene1399]

My uPD GM abused my uPD M. When she died, M said "She may have been evil, but she was still my mother" and burst into tears. It's difficult with the conflicting emotions. Good times are peppered in with the bad. It doesn't excuse the bad, but it makes it difficult to come to terms with sometimes. IMO it sometimes makes the emotions confusing or conflicting when thinking about that parent. It's okay to feel both relief and sadness.

It also sounds you like you did grieve for your mother while she was still alive, grieving for the mother you wanted that she couldn't be. Especially since you had to accept she often hurt you on purpose. I am sorry this happened.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

My condolences on your mom's passing.  It is alright to grieve, to be a little relieved, and to feel love for her and  loss. Be gentle with yourself and try not to criticize any of your feelings. I am sure you had great times so perhaps those memories will give you solace. You can also choose to carry forward only the very best parts of your mom in your own life. {{hugs}}   

   

[Brooke]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'd imagine it would be easier on you if your feelings were straight-forward, if you viewed her as all good or all bad.

As others have said, go easy on yourself and don't judge yourself for your feelings. My condolences to you.