Dad's smearing me, my peaceful life is over

[Mathilda]

Long story and just venting ...

Last June I got a chaotic letter from dad (he and mom live in the same apartment complex as I do -yes, I know  and I still haven't been able to move due to the pandemic- but I nevertheless managed to stay almost completely NC for three years, blocked their phones and thank god they don't have internet) about mom, who has dementia. She needed new bras because she had lost a lot of weight, but she didn't want to go to the shop with dad. Nothing he did for her seemed to be ok (been there ...).  She also cannot express herself understandably anymore. And she misses me. By the way, so did dad. He knew they had treated me incorrectly, mom too, but weren't adults allowed to make mistakes? Please, please, come back, your loving parents.

Didn't quite know what to think of the letter, except that it was another horrifying grooming attempt, but I decided to do at least something helpful, so I went to the shop, bought 3 bras in different sizes, thinking 1 of them would probably fit mom. Put them in a bag with the receipt and a note he could change them if they didn't fit and threw them in their mailbox. That was a stupid thing to do.

That evening he came to my door. Asking me to go with him, to help mom try them on. I was on the phone, so apart from the fact that well, we are NC and that I wasn't too keen on getting close to people because I hadn't had my second Pfizer yet, I had yet another reason to tell him no. He said 'fine, home help will come tomorrow, I'll ask them.'

Then got a letter from brother. Full of blame, how could I not see how sorry dad is? He's tried several times to apologize, but I never gave him a chance, instead I just shut the door at him. Mom is probably going to die this year, but hey, we don't need your help, because we get LOTS of support from others. Followed by a disturbing 3 pages in which he explained to me why there isn't such a thing as a coronavirus and this whole pandemic is staged by the government to make people scared. He did an extensive research on the internet. The vaccines are very dangerous, therefore he does not want dad vaccinated (he didn't say anything about mom). And then he wrote how dad and he were being stalked by dad's family to take the vaccine, and of course they were also completely blinded by all the government lies. SAY WHAT?!

So I called 2 of my fathers siblings, had to look for their numbers on the internet, I had never called them before and apart from that, I hadn't spoken them in years. I only saw them if dad or mom had their birthday.

They wanted to know why I was NC. I  had expected them to be mad at me, but they weren't. I spoke with my uncle for a few hours. Explained my reasons. He said to me "Mathilde I never understood why you are NC. But I don't treat my children like that!" Then he went on telling me how my parents have always isolated themselves from the family. How my dad never shows any interest in his 9 siblings (big catholic family), not even after my uncle had a stroke, he never asked him how he was. How much he hated their negativity. How they have brought this all on to themselves. Although my brother says they have lots of support,  it's a lie, there's no one. Nobody visits them anymore. And yes, he knew that my brother and my father believe covid is a conspiracy.  He's talked a lot with my dad and my brother, so did one other sibling, but he finally has told them he would never come over again, if dad refuses to have the vaccine. At the end, he told me his door was always open for me. And added that he would never say the same thing to my brother.

A few days later I ran into dad outside the apartment complex. He thanked me for the bras I had bought for mom, but none of them fitted. And again, he asked me to come with him, to see "what size mom has". So again, I told him no.
He came very close, and I had to ask him to keep his distance, to which he responded with "Oh well, everyone's entitled to their own believes". I confronted him with what my uncle told me, that due to his believes about covid, his own brothers and sisters no longer want to come over (I didn't tell him I had spoken to his brother). He laughed, and said "that is right, they don't want to come over anymore". The fool, he laughed! I got angry and walked away from him.

Ran into him again 2 weeks ago. "Mathilde, I want to taaaaaaalk". Nope, I'm busy, no time. "Shall I call you?" No, you should not.

Ok, today I found out dad is running a smear campaign. I heard him talking to one of the neighbours, telling sobbing stories how he doesn't understand my reasons for NC. And of course this neighbour agreed that I was being harsh on them and my behavior was totally incomprehensable. This was actually the second time, because a few weeks earlier I heard him complaining to another neighbour. It seems he's desperate to get flying monkeys.

I have taken a deep breath and I have gone to this neighbour. She wasn't at home, but her husband was. I told him that I heard his wife have a conversation with my dad and I really wanted them to know there's always two sides to a story. So I told him that a lot had happened before I went NC, my dad knows EXACTLY why, that both dad and brother are covid deniers and brother is a diagnosed borderliner. He listened. And he told me dad is telling all the neighbours that he has no clue why I went NC, apparently I was just drinking tea and then I jumped up and told them I wanted nothing to do with them anymore! Can you believe it?? And brother is telling everyone his sister is just plain nuts.

I think it was a good thing to do. I wished I didn't have to. But it seems my peaceful life is over, now dad is increasing the pressure and running his little dirty smear campaign.

[moglow]

Here's one I had a hard time swallowing and I had to repeat a whole lot if little bites before I got it - what others say about us is none of our business. Yes, even if it's supposedly about us. That's all on the teller/them. What "they" say will always say more about them than it will about us. We need not try to defend or deny their drivel, no matter how offensive or plain idiotic we may think it is.

Other people will always believe what they want. It's not our job to educate or try and change their minds. We're responsible for US/ourselves, as individuals.
And really, you're supposed to guess your mother's bra size, magically come up with the right one?? Does dad not own a tape measure and one of those handy bra sizing charts? He is her husband ...

[Hilltop]

Yep its hard when I smear campaign is done against us.  Its generally unfair and difficult to defend yourself.  People will believe what they want to believe.

I think its difficult when you have one foot in and one foot out.  You bought bra's and dropped them off which gave your Dad an opening to come to you but then you told him you don't want to help even though you did. While you live so close they will continue to drag you back in with all sorts of problems such as not having a bra.

Its a shame that your parents have cut themselves off from a large supportive network and if you find the rest of the family kind and loving, then perhaps you should open yourself up to seeing them over holidays and making an effort with them.  I would make plans to move, start looking for a new rental.  Start thinking about new areas, where do you want to live, do you want to move work etc.  Once you are out of that apartment building, he can talk all he wants, the other tenants are strangers to you, it will mean nothing and you won't know about it.  It must be incredibly stressful knowing that you could run in to them every day coming and going or that they could knock on your door at any stage.

Over the years I have found no way to stop the smear campaigns happening, nor have I found a way to stop how someone will perceive what they are told.  They will either believe it or not.  I have found defending myself usually backfires and causes more drama.  Its really horrible to know that your family are doing this and that your reputation is being slighted.  A decent person will see through it.  Distance will help.  Its hard to not defend yourself but I have found it only adds to the drama and becomes a he said she said situation.

You may not be able to move straight away but perhaps simply starting to look elsewhere may help to start planning a move.  Its really hurtful when your parents smear you, my mother has done it a lot and it took me a long time to acknowledge what she was doing.  I was hurt and really angry.  I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Mathilda]

Here's one I had a hard time swallowing and I had to repeat a whole lot if little bites before I got it - what others say about us is none of our business. Yes, even if it's supposedly about us. That's all on the teller/them. What "they" say will always say more about them than it will about us. We need not try to defend or deny their drivel, no matter how offensive or plain idiotic we may think it is.

Other people will always believe what they want. It's not our job to educate or try and change their minds. We're responsible for US/ourselves, as individuals.
And really, you're supposed to guess your mother's bra size, magically come up with the right one?? Does dad not own a tape measure and one of those handy bra sizing charts? He is her husband ...

Hi Moglow, thank you. Yeah I know and even my neighbour told me yesterday I shouldn't care so much about what the other neighbours think.  But darn, I can't stand that he is constantly telling people how hard this all is for him and how he is playing the victim, gaining pity. I know things are going downhill with mom. I heard him tell this neighbour mom doesn't want to get out of bed, she doesn't want to eat, when the nurse comes she doesn't want to be washed. She doesn't want anything. Well, I think you could say she behaves like the typical PD person with dementia. I know that this is hard, and really it hurts me too, but there is nothing I can do about that! Even if I would be with them, I couldn't change it! That is her desease and if he doesn't know how to handle it, neither do I! He should discuss these problems with their doctor or case worker (quite frankly I doubt that they still have a case worker). I can't get why she's still not in a nursing home, if her dementia is so bad. But I guess she doesn't want to, or maybe dad or brother don't want her to. Or maybe the nursing home doesn't want her, because they fear problems with dad and brother because they're covid deniers, who knows.

And yes, you are absolutely right, of course he should have taken care of the bras. I already let him know, wrote him a short note telling him he could have gone to the shop with one of moms old bras, and tell the shop assistent she needs a smaller one. Used exactly the same words 'You are her husband'.

[Mathilda]

Thank you, Hilltop.
They're building new apartments in my city and I had hoped to move to one of those soon, but they are still not ready. They were supposed to be ready in 2019 and now they say they will be ready by the end of 2022 ... so I was already looking for something else,  and I was also searching the internet for apartments in other cities.

But so far, I haven't been able to find anything and then I stopped searching for a while and decided Spring 2022 would probably be a better time to move anyway, especially since they have predicted there will be a new covid wave in my country this winter. The numbers are rising already. There are still quite a few people that are unvaccinated.

But yesterday I realized I have to get out. I don't think I can take this much longer. Yes, it's causing me a lot of stress. I still work from home, but even if I don't work I hide inside my apartment as much as I possibly can. Staying at home wasn't such a big deal for me when we were in lockdown and I hadn't had my jabs yet, but now I want to get out.  I don't answer unknown numbers on my phone. Voicemail is off. I love my job, but sometimes I have a hard time concentrating. So yes,  it's really tiring and frustrating now.

I think the rest of the family is fine, at least on dad's side. Unfortunately I don't know them very well. My mom always talked negatively about dads siblings, dad didn't seem to care about that (now I believe he really didn't care). Some of them, like my uncle, have a different lifestyle than my mom and dad's, I guess that's what bothered them so much, but they seem fine to me. My uncle invited me to come over to talk some more, but I am not sure if I want to. I'm thinking about sending him a nice card for Christmas though, with a letter that our talk really meant a lot to me, but I need time to think things over right now.

[Mathilda]

He is her husband ...

The thing is, dad was never really moms "husband". He was also never a father to us. Though he tried to be a father sometimes, but in the wrong way, i.e. by hitting us. Mom wanted to divorce him when I was 18, but because he cried so hard when she told him, she decided leaving him would be too much trouble. So she gave him his own bedroom and weekly pocket money and he could do whatever he wanted, as long as he provided her an income with his job and otherwise didn't bother her too much. He had apart from his job no responsibilities, yet a clean house, food and some company. He was perfectly fine with it.

But now, being a senior with a wife who has dementia, things have changed drastically for dad. All of the sudden he needs to be a responsible husband and apart from the fact that having a wife with dementia is a very difficult situation for anyone, I can tell he doesn't like this at all. Mom doesn't want to be taken care of by him either, so she also resists heavily.

My uncle told me he was shocked when he found out that my dad didn't even have his own bank card. So he explained to him, step by step, how he could get his own bank card. A few weeks later he asked dad if he had managed to get his own card. O yes, everything went fine, the whole process had been so easy, my dad had told him.
Because my uncle didn't trust it, he also asked my brother if dad had managed to get his own bank card. O yes, brother said, I took care of that for him. Dad has probably some mild cognitive impairment (we never knew for sure, but we think he has), but that doesn't mean he is incapable of doing anything. Or is inable to learn new stuff. But I think brother loves his new role as my dads 'dad'. But I have no intention of becoming my dads new 'mom'.

Of course none of the neighbours know these things. All they see is this poor, sweet old bloke who has such a hard time taking care of his beloved sick wife, and his bitchy daughter who is too selfish to help him.

[Andeza]

We had a suspected PD neighbor once. I met her one time, heardher talk about how "young people" are so wonderful, and casually throw in a "Not all of us are fortunate enough that our children speak to us!" Or something like that anyway. I put on my best, fake sympathetic smile and after we left told DH "I'm not ever going over there again. She's Borderline if I ever saw one!"

Some of your neighbors will be able to see through the nonsense. Either they've had it from a family member firsthand, or they're just smart enough to see a sob act for what it is.

[Mathilda]

Some of your neighbors will be able to see through the nonsense. Either they've had it from a family member firsthand, or they're just smart enough to see a sob act for what it is.

Yes, I think you are right. I suddenly remembered that some time ago I heard my dad talk to (yet another one) of my neighbours. I don't think the conversation was about me (for a change), but I couldn't exactly hear what it was about. But what I did hear, is how he got brushed off by this neighbour 

I heard her say, loudly "You can take the bus. Of course you can. Just do it". And then she walked away. So although I don't know what they were talking about (did he need someone to drive him somewhere?),  this seems to be a lady who perfectly understood that dad just loves to whine and moan and she did not fall for that.

[Mathilda]

UPDATE:

Mom has been taken to a nursing home a few weeks ago by two women of the homehelp service. Dad couldn't handle her any longer. If she wouldn't go voluntarily, she would be forced, so she cut her losses.
A week later dad fell of his bike, he didn't want to go see a doctor until he had to, he's now in hospital and operated on his arm.

My uncle called me to inform me about all of this. It's all very messy. Mom seems to be not too bad though, she's made walks outside with the nurses and she's even made a new friend. Church is helping them, mom needed more clothes and labels had to be sewn in her clothes. My uncle is the only one in the family who still contacts them and tries to help. Brother is behaving disgustingly arrogant and dominant, even my moms sister (pretty PD herself) couldn't take it anymore. He's gone full blown into qanon stuff and other conspiracy theories and he has dragged dad with him. Both are still not vaccinated. Neither was mom, but I hope she has received the first vaccination in the nursing home.

My uncle asked me what I wanted. He said the whole family completely understands that I am NC. But did I want to visit mom? And also risk meeting dad and brother in the nursing home if I do? I asked if she would recognize me, but he said 'no, I don't think she remembers you', so I made the decision not to visit unless she specifically asks for me. We agreed that I would help from a distant, if possible. If he hears from my dad that mom needs anything, he will let me know so I can arrange it and take it to the nursing home. That will take some explaining to the nurses, but brother has already made a huge fight in the nursing home, so he thinks they will understand why I won't visit.
He also thinks there's a risk brother will become dangerous, since he is so radicalised. He's very worried and even afraid of my brother.

Now mom is in the nursing home, dad has a legal right to move to the same nursing home. But my uncle said dad would never do that. We will probably have to wait until he will have neglected himself and the apartment up to the point that he will be left no choice.

What a mess.

[Mathilda]

Maybe it sounds strange that I am thinking about visiting her if she'd ask for me. But I do feel sorry for her. Though she refused to go to a nursing home, these last 2 years must have been rough for her, because she's been almost completely isolated. That must have been awful. I blame brother and dad for that. I think the woman didn't deserve this. I hope she will find some joy now that she's been propely taken care of, and if I can contribute to that, I will.

[FromTheSwamp]

It doesn't sound strange that you would think of visiting her.  I am more involved with my mom as her health is failing.  I am not convinced it's better for ME, but I have to take that week by week. 

I have to balance my desire for her to be cared for with my desire to protect myself.  Unfortunately with a PD parent, those are very different paths. 

I hope you can protect yourself through this difficult stage.

[Seven]

Your mom is better off where she is luckily.
And dad is an adult who has to live with the consequences of his choices. That's all on him.

I'm going next week to see uNPDm for the last time (seemingly anyway) as she is now on hospice care and bedridden.  Not so much for her, but so I don't regret it later.

But I'm holding my boundaries.  I refuse to ever be alone with the woman (even with her dementia) and have stuck to that for many years. She will have no clue who I am, which is probably better off because she always treated strangers nicer than she did her own kids.

So if you go to the nursing home, have a set of boundaries and stick to them, for your protection.  Dad is there? Don't engage. Brother is there?  Don't engage.  Figure out what it is you're willing to do/tolerate and don't go beyond that.

[Mathilda]

Thank you FromTheSwamp, yes those are 2 different paths. I haven't seen her for 2,5 years and though it's true that she is the victim of dad and brothers craziness, I shouldn't make the mistake to see her as a sweet, innocent woman  with dementia,  because she wasn't exactly a sweet old lady before I went NC.  If she ever asks for me, I guess I'd better think carefully about visiting her.

[Mathilda]

Seven, I hope the doctors in the hospital will convince my dad he is also better off in the nursing home. Both of them in the nursing home would be so much better and brother won't be able to control them anymore.
Guess I'll have to hope for the best.

I totally understand that you want to see your mother for the last time so you won't have any regrets. I wish you a lot of strength  take care ❤