1 foot out the door and I'm still walking

[bohemian butterfly]

I have decided to move to this forum,  If you'd like to read my background story, it is in the "chosen relationships" forum and the title is "One foot out the door"

I've received lots of wonderful advice, but felt it was time to shift over to this forum.

Right now, I am processing everything that is happening and might happen.  I am OK for an hour and then not the next.

I have decided to buy a house (on my own).  On Monday, I have a home inspection and if all goes according to plan, will close on my house on June 23rd.  My boyfriend (of 4 years) does not know about this house.  I have been jounaling for the past month (when I first started thinking that I needed to leave) and decided that I just needed to do it because I have a feeling things will not get better and I'd better be prepared.

So many emotions right now.  This weekend I kept myself busy, but at night (while my boyfriend slept) I went outside under the stars pleading and crying for some sort of divine intervention.  I just wanted answers because I always second guess myself;  I guess I don't trust myself. 

I'd been looking at this house (online) for a few weeks.  Then I drove by and just fell in love.  I emailed the realtor (who got back to me immediately and we set up an appointment to do a walk-through)  It is exactly what I want, but I was a bit scared.  I mean, buying a home (even under the best of circumstances) is stressful.  I've already failed once (2007, filed for bankruptcy after a divorce and foreclosure).

For some reason though, even though I go back and forth, this feels right.  I look back at my journal and remember how he can be.

I do question myself, especially when I get a nice text or comment from him.  Lately though, when he texts or calls,  he has a task and/or request  (we live on a farm, I have a full-time job, but I also help him - this has become unmanageable because he even wants me to do farm work during my full-time job)  Basically I have transformed from a girlfriend to employee (he barks at me and tells me what to do).  Some mornings he wakes up singing my praises, other mornings he acts like he resents me.  I have tried to have several conversations with him and have even tried working harder (cleaning more, devoting myself to farm work, etc)   but even though he is happy when I do this (he told me that he loves it when I work all day) I am crashing and burning (physically and emotionally).  Since dating him, I have had several rashes break out on my face (no explanation other than stress) and was diagnosed with depression and idiopathic hypersomnia.  I am losing myself.  He is happy when I am with him constantly and "enmeshing."  I am balking at this enmeshment because after a solid year of intense therapy and DBT for fleas, successfully unenmeshed from my mother.  I do not want to enmesh ever again.  I think he feels this change and is fighting it.

I am having a hard time holding onto the dysfunction, meaning that "happy" thoughts of him keep trying to push through.  Thoughts such as:  is it me?  I must be the dysfunctional one!  Will I ever be happy?  etc.  He also seems to sense me pulling away, so he starts to be super sweet (like he used to be) and this is very confusing.  I think this is lovebombing and intellectually I get it, but when you are in the midst of it, it feels like a tug-of-war mind warping experience.  My poor mind feels like it is scrambled (as it scrambles to process what is going on and what to do).

Also, he is the type of guy that everyone loves, so it is hard to not feel like it is me.  Although, several friends of his have backed away (he has acted bossy to them as well)

[Blackbird11]

Hi bohemianbutterfly,

I'm on the boards a lot today as I just told my uPDh that I'd like to separate. It's literally only been hours so still processing and reading through/saving helpful threads.

I resonate with your post a lot because my H is similar in many ways to your SO. Everyone loves him. LITERALLY EVERYONE. Including me - but unfortunately he hasn't treated me that great since we got married and had a kid, and now here we are.

I'm in no position to be offering advice right now but I've read most of your posts and I just had to say that you strike me as an incredibly brave, lovely person and you sound like you're heading in good direction. Also - those journals are essential to remind us of what we have endured. I've had to go back and re-read dozens of times because the good periods can be so good.

Wishing you all the best on your journey! Stay strong!

[notrightinthehead]

What a brave lady you are! I wish you that all goes well with your home owning plans.

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you both for your replies.  Your words mean more than you'll ever know! Thank you!

[Whiteheron]

Best of luck to both of you. The first few steps are the most difficult.

I used to repeat two things in my head when I was leaving: "One step at a time, one foot in front of the other" (and I reminded myself that baby steps are ok, it was still forward progress), and "best interest of the kids." Those two things kept me moving forward.

[bohemian butterfly]

Best of luck to both of you. The first few steps are the most difficult.

I used to repeat two things in my head when I was leaving: "One step at a time, one foot in front of the other" (and I reminded myself that baby steps are ok, it was still forward progress), and "best interest of the kids." Those two things kept me moving forward.

I'm repeating your words today (as a mantra) because this morning has been really tough. 

At work (an hour ago) I felt the sting of tears start to prickle in my eyes as I sat behind the computer screen, so I quickly jumped up and headed to a private bathroom and just broke down crying.  Like sat on the dirty floor, by the toilet, heaving sobbing.   

I sat there for a minute or two.  A voice told me to look in the mirror, so I did.  In the mirror I saw this poor beautiful soul with tears pouring out of her eyes, who was just so very very sad and deeply wounded at the core.  And I realized I had such compassion and deep feeling for this person (who was me).  I've been hurting for such a long, long time. 

I've been caring for everyone and everything except me.  I was taught (from birth) that this was selfish.  I was taught to always be nice and polite to everyone and this has crippled me.  I've been blind and deaf for 42 years.  My psychic energetic field has been weak and exposed, a large hole near my heart, and through the years I've  let any and everyone inside to consume me. 

I don't know what is healthy when it comes to relationships, but I know I'm hurting so much and my soul needs me.  I need me. 

P.s. on a lighter note, realizing it was lunch and I was hungry, I went to Chik-Fil-A.   As I write this post, im crying again and I don't care who sees.  But I probably look pretty funny crying while im dipping my nuggets in honey. 

[Whatthehey]

Hi Bohemian butterfly!  As a middle age, quasi Catholic-guilt mother of three, I understand the selfish feeling when one takes care of oneself.  There is an absolute drain when all you do is give and then you loose yourself completely.

Over the course of my marriage to my ex OCPDh, I completely lost myself.  I look at the woman I was in college before I met him and just don't recognize that person.  What happened to those values I once cherished?  I gave them away when I became a person who managed life by managing his emotions!

You are still there.  Just a few days I was given advice on this forum to be compassionate with my younger self.  I forward that advice to you,  Be compassionate to yourself.  It is not selfish to walk away and take time for you.  I am by myself now and while there are lonely moments, I am not lonely.

I am hugging you from afar.

[EnufZnuf]

 I am certainly no expert, nonetheless I think you should ask yourself if you really want to close on this house. Do you want to live in the same town as this person? Will you be able to avoid him? Just some food for thought. I wish you the best.

[Spygirl]

You are strong enough to have survived all this abuse for such a long time, you can survive breaking free of it. It is going to hurt worse than maybe anything, but every week it will get a little better.

Its going to feel like kicking a drug habit for a long time. The drug with call out to you. It will make any possible promise to get you to fold. To give up.

The Devil you know, is less scary than the Devil you dont.

In two weeks, you will feel lighter and rested sometimes.
In two months, your eyes will begin to see things you never saw, and hear things you refused to listen to.

Youll be ok. Everyone deserves to live a personally fufilling life.