struggling and scared at thought of full separation from my abusive mother

[BrightMoon]

Im really struggling. I seem unable to really come to terms emotionally with the reality of my mother, or of the choice of seperating from her (of trying to stay seperated anyway). I have spent years of my life explaining things to her to try to get her to understand, years answering her endless questions of why I am not okay with her abuse that she denies exists. And her reaction? None. She literally never even reacts - doesnt even show any emotional reaction on her face. Never addresses the issue I raise. Often doesnt even comment. Recently trying therapy with her.

I mentioned how I struggled as a teenager and cried every day for years, for hours at a time, and never understood how she couldnt have heard me since the walls in our home were not very thick. Did she say 'gosh, Im so sorry to hear that!'? 'My goodness, I never knew!'? Did she even give an excuse of 'I thought you needed to be alone'? No. It was met by silence. And not a flicker of emotion on her face. Nothing. Like I'd not even said anything. She didnt even look awkward about it.  What is that? Who does that?

Yet here I am, today, with tears welling up as I consider the thought of not being able to be comforted by her in the future. Im an adult. She barely ever comforted me as a kid. And never if I showed unhappiness towards her when she instead flew into rages. Why cant I get past this? Does full seperation ever get easier?

[Stardust1982]

I think it does get easier. You start feeling better about your mother when you realize you really don't need her love and approval anymore. I certainly don't feel the need to be loved or accepted by her, I consider her a temporary situation in my life that I have to put up with until I meet my real family that is made of healthy people who can love others and care for them.
Perhaps you need to grieve who your mother wasn't. And accept her exactly how she is instead of trying to fit her into the definition of a mother. She is not a mother to you because she cannot parent you. Parents can be called parents of they have the ability to parent their kids. PDs do not parent us, it's impossible for them. They're mentally ill and lost in their own world of hurt and confusion.

I hope this helps a little. Trust me, I know how that feels. Living with a narcissistic and partly borderline mother has created similar feelings in me.

[Starboard Song]

Im really struggling.

Why cant I get past this? Does full seperation ever get easier?

It is normal to be struggling. You CAN get past this, but haven't yet done so, because it is actually hard. And yes, it gets easier.

We are 5 years NC from my in-laws. From the initial crisis, it took 6 months to get to formal NC, but we haven't spoken socially since August 2015. And it has gotten easier. Way easier.

Please take a look at the resources in the top line of my signature. They are the ones that most helped my wife with self care and healing. The second line are resources that deal with the tactical matters of PDs, and I found these all very helpful.

Next, realize that you are dealing with two different things at once: your M is a real human being. One instance: a body, heart, and mind. And that person is not a good source at all for comfort or support. Separately, there is the notional role of mother: a mother loves and cares for us unconditionally, they look after us, and late in life we often get to return the favor by looking after them and showing them love. That is a notion, an ideal.

It is entirely right to want to separate from the human while mourning the role. Realize that by losing this one human, you are not losing the Mother role. That, it seems you may never have had.

Third, invest in your FOC. A family of choice gives you strength, playing the parts nature didn't cast right.

And be ever so kind to yourself. You are going to get there.

Be good. Be strong.

[BrightMoon]

Stardust - thanks for the reply. I think part of the difficulty is I fear I will always need her love and approval. I always feel a need to share things with her emotionally (I no longer do, but the urge comes up sometimes). I guess its a process that will take time. Its just so painful at the moment. Its funny, but if I think of someone else in a similar situation, say that of someone in an abusive relationship, I totally get why they would feel scared to leave, but can also clearly see they must leave. But when it comes to me? I intellectually know it to be true-but emotionally? That's a lot harder...

Starboard-"Realize that by losing this one human, you are not losing the Mother role. That, it seems you may never have had."

This was powerful to me, and helpful.  Resonated a lot. Thank you. I will check out the resources you mentioned too.

On a side note, I just noticed, we all have forum names related to astronomical objects (well, sort of!)

Thanks for the replies, its helpful to see others out there who have been through similar things

[DistanceNotDefense]

"Perhaps you need to grieve who your mother wasn't. And accept her exactly how she is instead of trying to fit her into the definition of a mother. She is not a mother to you because she cannot parent you. Parents can be called parents of they have the ability to parent their kids. PDs do not parent us, it's impossible for them. They're mentally ill and lost in their own world of hurt and confusion."

This sums it up so well.❤️

[Stardust1982]

Yes, we do have astrological names he he. What a nice observation

[Boat Babe]

I struggled for the longest time with surrendering my hopes for a better mum. I fully understood it intellectually at least twenty years before I actually did it. The heart has its own timetable I guess. What I didn't know is that with the surrender of that hope comes a place of safety, a feeling of confidence and a more loving attitude to oneself.  It's incredibly healing. Had I known this, I may have gotten there sooner. All I saw for so long was just another loss. Except it's not a loss. We know what they are and they suck. But the loss of the toxic hope brings, unexpectedly and delightfully, peace.