Feeling very panicky.....Is it worth it?

[BPDParent1]

It's been about three weeks since I sent my NPD father a message saying that he has no right to constantly criticize me and that I didn't have to put up with that (its actually abuse, but I still have a hard time saying that).  I told him that a I wouldn't be reading or responding to his messages and the I would reach out if I wanted to in the future.  Then I blocked him.  The last straw came when I told him that my husband and I had been traveling during the week for work so he couldn't come over that weekend because we needed some time together.  He responded that he "hated to sat it" (he loves to) but my children are suffering because their mom travels for work instead of being with them overnight, as she should be.  At that moment it finally clicked that I will never ever ever win with him - all he ever does is criticize me and it's totally unpredictable and contradictory.  I worked very hard and am successful professionally largely because he always wanted a "doctor or lawyer" - who knows what I would have been without that pressure.  Then, I move closer to home (and him) so my kids can be near family, even though I'm a partner in a firm two hours away, so I do have to travel two nights a week and ITS STILL NOT ENOUGH.  And that's just one area - he tries to control everything (see my previous post).  Until recently, if Im being honest, he did control everything.  My whole life felt like it was lived in increments of time that I had before I had to go get emotionally demolished by him again (assuming he didn't do it via text in the interim).  I was getting physically sick.  He wouldn't respect any boundary with my little children or my spouse - he basically thought he superseded my authority with my kids and he didn't have to listen to anything I said, they were his.  Just thinking about him provokes a strong fear response in me.  I am always in a state of vigilance and background fear - I actually dont think Ive ever had a period in my life where that wasn't the case.  I cannot imagine not living in constant anxiety.

All that said, he found a way to get around my text/email block by messaging me through Telegram, which I had forgot to delete, apologizing for "saying such a stupid thing" and begging for forgiveness.  I know its not genuine - we have had so many blow ups over the years where I have begged him to give me some autonomy and space and stop constantly criticizing my every move.  I feel like I'm living in a state of fear now though.  I'm feeling very panicky and like I'm going to majorly pay for going NC with him. 

It feels impossible to imagine that I won't have to interact with him again.  I keep having this feeling that I need to write him a letter or an email explaining myself - but my logical self knows that only gives him ammunition and thats it.  It's almost like I'm still wanting to beg him to just let me be free.  Obviously, he's not the "if you love something set it free" type.  I dont even think he loves.

I feel like I'm setting myself up to make things so much worse.  But I've gotten this far - I feel like if I give up now thats the end, I will never escape him.  I also think I would just give up on myself;  sometimes when I look at my kids I think about how baad I feel that they have me as a mom - I can't even protect myself, how could I possibly protect them?  Since I made the decision to go NC, I have had moments where I feel so free, like I dont have the ax constantly over my head of having to interact with him on a regular basis.  But then I start worrying that this isn't real and he's going to "get me" and I start getting this terribly panicky feeling.

I have blocked out so much trauma, but it was starting to show itself physically and I was feeling very mentally unwell over the last year.  I couldn't bear to acknowledge that it was/is as bad as it is because if it was that bad (it was), ho could I still be allowing it to happen?!?! Now I feel like it's all coming up and I'm having these horrible emotional flashbacks of just darkness and terror.  And I feel so isolated because unless someones been through childhood with a hovering narcissistic emotionally enmeshed parent, I just dont think they can really understand what im talking about.   My emotions are just really out of whack - I am so panicked and feel like a little terrified child.  I almost feel like just giving up - like if I apologize while he's still in the nice apologetic phase of trying to regain control, I wont get the same level of payback that I might get in the future.

Does this ever get better?  Does this terrible panicky fear ever go away? 

[bloomie]

BPDParent1 - I want to respond so this doesn't sit another minute, but I want to go read your backstory, too. So, I will be back and for now... breathe in/out slowly, mindfully!!! This does get better and the fear does dissipate.

[bloomie]

BPDParent1 ⬅️ I am going to start right here - your forum name. You may have a BPD parent, but you are not defined by your parent, named with your parent's disorder, forever tied to the mental unrest of your father. You are a completely separate human being with your own soul, heart, dreams, opinions, options, with resources and relationships that belong to YOU.

Please read that again. ⬆️

I am not usually this bold, but I wanted you to see that you are here wanting something, desperately searching for something you already have. Freedom. Freedom to choose your own lifestyle, career, priorities, when and what to feed your child, when or if to communicate with another person (any person), who to love, determine what does and does not work in your life, how to navigate your life... all of that and so much more is already yours.

No one can make this more comfortable, but we can and do understand the discomfort that comes when we realize that if we do not gain some space around our lives from an enmeshing and engulfing parent it could destroy all we hold dear.

For so long, I believed that I could not survive without my parents and FOO. I was groomed to believe that in order to keep me in a position to continue to serve the needs of my parents. All the while they were mired in poor financial and relational decisions, mental illness, addiction, broken promises and conflict. While I had a great career, had built a family and community around myself and had my beautiful thriving kiddos. 

It also took me awhile to understand I was an adult who was continuing to allow trauma into clean, clear waters of my life and my family's life when I allowed my parents in close with their unmanaged mental illness and toxic behaviors.

I had to realize that I wanted something for my children with my parents that they were not capable of. Were not trustworthy enough - even unintentionally, with their compulsive and disregulated moments, to safely offer any of us. And in their case, were incapable of truly changing.

Something that was a starting gate exercise that really helped me was doing circles of intimacy work. It helped me to challenge what was most important to protect and to recognize just how much my parents and all of their issues were inappropriately dominating my life. Putting the most important relationships at risk. I realized, in view of my parents' un-health, I couldn't keep them in too close. I couldn't allow the same level of responsibility and access to my life and family as I might if they were healthy and safe.

Here is a free blog post that briefly describes the process.
https://lovingonpurpose.com/blog/relational-intelligence-recognizing-and-protecting-levels-of-intimacy/

Taking some time for a break with your dad is not unkind. It is not rejecting him. It is not cruel or uncaring. Stepping away from someone who refuses to respect your stated wishes for level of contact, your parenting decisions, who says cruel cutting things to you that go straight to the heart of what he knows you care most about is what love looks like. For yourself, and your father.

When we address a serious issue with our parent or a family member and they continue it, respect and love, good mental health and emotional intelligence steps back and allows some time and space in hope that it will work to give someone time to adjust and get the help they may need to deal with their own discomfort and emotions. Sometimes that happens, but sometimes it does not, very sadly.

There is grief in this work. There is peace coming. There is a resolute, settled, clear headed day coming dear one and you are doing the hard work to organize yourself and understand the serious difficulty you are facing with your father and walk in wisdom through the fire right now.

You are not alone. We are here. Keep coming back!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'd like to read your backstory too, but YES it does get better. You and I have a lot in common. I've been NC with my uN/B/AS/OCPD father and uN/B/D/OCPD mother for five years now. The feelings you describe of feeling like a terrified child waiting for the punishment to fall is so awfully familiar to me. When I went NC I literally had to go away because I was too terrified to stay at home alone with my kids. He was gonna get me for sure!

He didn't. There was plenty of harassment but he didn't win. Even now the trauma fear still does poke through occasionally. But that life-engulfing crisis level of fear has never happened again.

You are clearly a smart lady. You built a career as a lawyer. You look at the evidence for a living. Your father doesn't have nearly as much power as your trauma feelings are telling you. He had power when he instilled that fear in you, but he doesn't now. And you ARE protecting yourself and your precious children.

The only letter I ever wrote to my parents was a cease and desist. No explaining, no begging, just you are breaking the law and it stops now or you will feel the consequences.

It worked. And we moved not too long after that. 

These early days NC are the worst of it. It's establishing the safety that you know you so desperately need. It's really getting your mind around just who is in charge of your life here. It's growing up by ripping off the biggest damn bandaid that's held you together to get through being abused all the time. You are right, most people just can't get it unless they've lived it themselves. It's also majorly fighting words to your dad. You are going through all this on you own, but you better believe he is going to react and not just take his just desserts and let you get on with your life at last. If he would do that...you wouldn't be where you are with him, to say the least. So you are fighting a battle on multiple fronts right now. Holding your boundary of NC, sorting out yourself and your own feelings and trying to self-soothe while your traumatized inner child is pushing you to just make up with him to lessen your punishment, and meanwhile you still have to take care of your everyday life and work and children.

Going NC is the hardest thing I went through in my life. This is survival mode to the nth degree. Whatever you can possibly do to ease your burden right now, yes! Leave of absence? Get out of town for a while? Trauma therapy? Send out the laundry? Get some legal advice? Ask a close friend to stay with you to be a witness over the weekend and just comfort you if you think dad might come to visit? None of these are too extreme.

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello BPDParent1,

I'm glad you are here.

I'm a long time member, and I mention this because in my years on the forum I know that there are a few factors that come into play when someone confronts their PD parent in the way that you did about 3 weeks ago.

I went NC with my PD parent over 10 years ago. And it is what has allowed me to recover from their criticism, and how much damage they did. 

Here are 3 points I'd like to share about your question "Is it worth it?"

1. Yes, in my view, it is worth it. I have been invested in recovering from my parent's behaviours for years now. I am in counselling, and I learn from videos posted by therapists who share their insights about growing up with PBD / PD parents. One online person, Patrick Teahan, has great videos about this. He talks about how important it is to get away from our abusive family member, so that we can have space for more recovery. I believe this and in my case, there was no way I could do this work while also continuing the phone calls where I am criticized for how I work / mother / think / eat, etc...

2. What are the consequences to you for going NC? This differs for each of us. Some people have PD parents who use the law and finances to attempt to control their adult children when the child escapes their control. They threaten to take the adult child out of the will. Which can mean nothing for some of us, or can mean everything to someone's financial security, depending on their particular situation. They could be 20 and in college hoping to become a doctor. Their PD parent may be the one paying their tuition. Going NC is different for them. For me, this wasn't a factor. From what I've read of your posts, this may not be a factor for you either. When it is a factor, I think that this is where a lot of fear is coming from. A 30 year old mother of 3 kids who is dependent on her PD for financial survival is in a different situation than someone who is not dependent on the PD for anything. Are you dependent on your PD parent for anything at this stage in your life? Is your PD going to retaliate in ways that threaten your safety?

You wrote you feel you're going to "make things much worse". You may not want to share the details here online but I have learned by being a member on this site, that people do need to get resources in place for when they go NC with a person who they fear. Making things worse can mean a lot of different things. For me, all of the fallout was emotional. I no longer had a family. That felt worse for a while.

3. If going NC does not cause you to fear retaliation i.e. stalking, harassment, etc... then the fear is likely because this is a new feeling, to get the freedom that Bloomie wrote about. You said you have never lived without anxiety. You deserve emotional freedom, and it sounds like you have had very little of it.

When we have had so little emotional safety and emotional freedom (due to a PD parent) it is scary because it is unfamiliar. Other people who have had more emotional freedom than we have had, will not understand that for us, this is a pretty terrifying new situation to be in. To push for the emotional freedom we need, but that we have had so little of.

This is where therapists can be super helpful. They know how valuable emotional freedom is. They should know how to help us when we are embarking on a process to get more of it than we've ever had before.

Good trauma therapists are therapists who recognize and understand that our fear of being a bad person is part of what we have had to carry for years, as the child of a controlling, criticizing parent. Being criticized the way you describe, it does affect us. It causes anxiety. This is well understood by trauma therapists. My anxiety was a reaction to the constant criticism by PD parents. Today, I feel no shame in saying that. It was my body's way of dealing with my PD parent. 

If I had not taken steps towards emotional freedom, I would have suffered even longer. We're not meant to live with that level of anxiety. I do believe it does make us sick over time.

Your dad had his chances to be a positive force in your life. You are firing him from the job. You have spent several years learning about PD's and FOG. I saw from past posts that you've been thinking about his PD traits for a while now. You didn't make this decision lightly, from what I can tell.

The anxiety you're feeling is real and so I also echo Call me Cordelia's great suggestions to focus on what do you need right now? What will help you this week and this month? Because yes, it does get better. It will not always feel like this.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

I read a book about boundaries a while back. The author said that setting a new boundary often feels TERRIBLE at first, especially if you aren't used to making them at all, which is the case for many of us children of PDs. She said you need to give yourself time to ride out the guilt/fear/uncertainty, and you will very often come out the other side thankful that you stuck with it.

Sending you strength. You can do this.

[BPDParent1]

Thank you so much everyone - it helps to have people who know what I'm talking about!  People with parents who aren't PDd can't get how its possible for someone to have so much control over you!  I am changing in there and feeling less panicky.  I'm feeling much more uncertain in everything though.  I definitely have a hard time accepting uncertainty and the fact that there are no absolutes.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi BPDparent1,

As you wrote, he has had a sense of control over you for a long time. Your feelings right now are totally understandable.

Even though each of us has had a PD in our lives, every story and circumstance is unique. Some narc parents are way more controlling than others. I suspect it might help to work with a therapist to talk about what are the specific things you are thinking about as uncertainties?

In your OP you wrote about the fear that you would be made to pay if you went full NC. I didn't have this same situation because my PD parents were not threatening anything - there was no 'will' to take me out of...there was very little for them to 'take' or threaten. But this isn't true in all cases. We have to be safe and smart with how we distance ourselves from abusive people.

I agree with you - people who have not had PD parents do not get it. They can't. They can't imagine it, and most don't take the time to learn about PDs. They see things through their lens of experience. If their parents were not disordered, they have no personal experience with the emotional reality of living with a parent who suffers from a PD.

Trees

[mary_poppins]

BPDparent1: Sincerely, no, it does not get better. Being in contact or LC with narcissistic family over the years gets worse and worse (from experience).

But I empathise with your feeling of fear regarding your father-I have the same fear but about my mother. She can be horrific, a sociopath, no less.
She is incredibly sneeky, doing her dirty work behind closed curtains so that she could keep all her adult children in contact with her.

I also understand your feeling of never knowing how it is not to be in a constant anxiety state. Must be nice to be chill and never fear that moment when the other shoe drops or something really bad happening in the family when more abuse is exposed..

I do believe that we do not deserve to live this kind of life. To walk around with the fear of the other shoe dropping. It might be that we are stuck in a sort of fight or flight response. One that requires hypervigilance (which consumes so much energy).

Btw, if you haven't read 'Complex PTSD' by Pete Walker I reccommend it. It might help you a lot, maybe not with your NC decision but with that constant anxiety you're in.

If I were you, I wouldn't doubt my decision to go NC. If you start listening to your body, you'll realize that it doesn't want you to be in contact with abusive people.
My body does some weird things in the presence of my family and I realized it is my body's way to cope with this situation.

[moglow]

BPDParent1, I believe it's absolutely worth it and does get better. Like everything else it's a process - Your dad piled on the abuse, insults, demeaning and belittling comments all these years until they became part of you. You believed them because that's "dad" saying it - he couldn't possibly mean anything bad by it! At the same time that panic kicks in because you know the other side, have seen the fallout when anyone crosses him. 

It takes time to undo that kind of damage, where you believe in yourself instead of his voice in your mind. I'm sure in his mind he means well, but enough already. He can have whatever opinions he wants, but walking over people with them isn't likely to end well. He's not considering his delivery, much less the simple fact that he doesn't get to make decisions for your life and family. I'm sure "that's just who he is!" and all that rot, but no. He still doesn't have control over other adults and their lives.

I'm sure you already have, but think about this: What can he actually do about you refusing him micromanaging your life and family? Be blazing insultingly mad? He already is and has. He can't lock you in your room, take away your phone, keys and privileges like you're a teenager. He can make all manner of threats and only you can say whether there's any meat to them. Should you decide to talk to him at some point, make it pleasant, light, noncommittal, superficial, even vague. You may need to watch what you tell him about yourself and your family - to some, knowledge is power. So don't give him ammunition for later. Find dull bland responses, gray rock the hell out of dramatics or attempts to glean information from you. You don't HAVE to invite him over or let him in if he shows up uninvited. "Oh you came by? We spent the afternoon at the park." OR "Yeah now's not a good time, we have appointments today/that day. I'll have to check calendars and get back to you on that, school's about to start."

Above all, keep breathing through it and remember you are not that person he sees. Nothing he says to or about you changes who you are!