SIL a.k.a. Mom.2.0 - Miss Manners - the Snake in the Grass that my DH Loves

[Just Kathy]

From my last post, you know that my husband's mother's behavior is so blatantly abusive that it leaves no room for plausible deniability regarding her toxicity.  Therefore, whenever I bring up her toxic actions, he quickly jumps to conclusions, asserting, "We are not going no contact with her," and rationalizes this stance by pointing out, "She lives thousands of miles away."  He once confided in me that his reluctance to cut off contact with her stems from the hope of receiving an inheritance.

On the infrequent instances, my husband states, "My sister is a narcissist." However, more often than not, he portrays her as the epitome of class and refinement, dubbing her 'Miss Manners' for her supposed impeccable behavior.

His sister, via 'gold-digging,' possesses considerable wealth. My husband shared their history, revealing that his sister's husband was involved with another woman when they met.

Coming from an affluent family, he ultimately left his then-live-in girlfriend for my husband's sister.

In my view, my sister-in-law epitomizes the archetype of a snake in the grass. Observing the exchanges between her and my husband, in person and on the phone, it's clear the entitlement is GREAT in this one. 

I call my SIL Mom.2.0 because she learned all of her dirty tricks from her Mommy's narcissistic playbook.

My initial encounter with my mother-in-law and father-in-law occurred during a department store trip. My mother-in-law led the way, with the rest of us seemingly in her gravitational pull. Glancing back, I noticed my father-in-law lagging significantly behind, an unspoken signal from my mother-in-law indicating she preferred to keep him at a distance.

The impression I got from the dynamics was that my mother-in-law was attempting to diminish my father-in-law's self-esteem, effectively attempting to make him feel subordinate and worthless.

Moved by empathy, I slowed my pace to accompany him. The expression on his face was both heart-wrenching and telling. It conveyed a weary resignation as if he were mentally sighing, "Here she goes again, the same old antics. It's astounding that we're meeting our son's new wife, yet she resorts to this crazy-making behavior once more." His demeanor spoke volumes about living with a PD.

Shortly after these initial encounters, I was introduced to my sister-in-law during a particularly challenging period; I was mourning my father's recent passing and grappling with significant health concerns. Despite these circumstances, my husband was adamant about meeting his sister and niece. When I informed them of my gluten intolerance, they nevertheless chose (insisted) on a pizza restaurant for our dinner, disregarding my dietary restrictions. 

A familiar pattern emerged after the dinner, reminiscent of my earlier experiences with my mother-in-law. My sister-in-law, her daughter, and my husband's children gravitated towards her, leaving me on the periphery. This exclusion felt like déjà vu, mirroring the behavior I witnessed when my mother-in-law would visit and neglect her husband. Similarly, my sister-in-law and her daughter overlooked my presence. Observing their behavior, my husband handed me some money, suggesting I cross the street to purchase a drink for myself, subtly acknowledging the exclusion without directly addressing it.

To this day, my husband maintains that I behaved 'funny' - not his sister nor her daughter and that I not them acted aloof during that encounter.

This example describes why I feel uneasy about visiting my husband's family. There's a prevailing concern that they will treat me poorly, and instead of supporting me, my husband would likely take their side and defend their actions.

[Just Kathy]

And she can blow a dog whistle like no other...

A narcissistic person may use 'dog whistle comments' to alienate and degrade someone in their group of friends or family.

Reference: thoughtcatalog.com

My sister-in-law has honed the art of the dog whistle to perfection, employing subtle tactics of exclusion that speak volumes while ostensibly appearing innocuous.

Mind you, over the years, I have had zero relationship with Miss Manners. Over the years, her approach to me has been one of consistent shunning- well, at least she's consistent. She crafts family group emails, meticulously including everyone but me.

When I bring this selective oversight to my husband's attention, he brushes it off, suggesting she merely 'forgot'—an explanation that hardly aligns with her diligent communication with him and his daughter and other family members through texts, calls, and emails, all while conspicuously omitting me.

The scenario reached a poignant crescendo during the last holiday season. After a phone call between my husband and "Miss Manners," she offhandedly mentioned he should greet me or inquire about my well-being on her behalf. "Tell Kathy I said hello!"

It was so cringe-worthy, her dog whistle screeching loudly in my ears. Why would this woman inquire about my welfare when we have no relationship whatsoever?

Previously, in an attempt to bridge the gap, I responded to one of her indirect mentions by texting her, "I'm fine; how are you?" Yet, the only reply I received was silence—an echoing void from her side, as if my message had vanished into thin air, greeted only by the metaphorical sound of crickets.

In his willful naiveté, when Miss Manners blows her dog whistle, my husband presents this as evidence of her goodwill, urging me to see it as proof that she bears no ill will towards me, proclaiming, "See, see, seeeee—She doesn't hate you; you're just imagining things."

This insistence (part of how effective Miss Manner's dog whistle is) only exacerbates the sting of her passive-aggressive tactics, enhances her patronizing 'mean-girl' slap in the face.

[sunshine702]

Two parables- Elephant in room and Emperor's new clothes

From outside the groomed family system you often see thing clear as day.  It's an elephant you say.  Clearly seeing it.  No no it's not your husband says.  It's ALL a big misunderstand. You are being sensitive and judgmental.  You don't understand THEM.

Except you do just fine.  The emperor has no clothes and you the small child outsider can see his naughty bits clear as day while the sycophants say no clothes of finest gold!!!

Trust your judgement. You are likely not wrong.

Now what to DO about it.  Sigh that is a lot trickier.  Your partner is likely not going to see it or defend you.  Trust me that is 1000 percent happening to me right now too!! Sigh.
I have a massive field of rusted junk behind my house that my partner honestly can not (will not) see.  There is a lot of toxic shame and grief over his dad   We just pretend now that his mother is doing something about it.  Barely.  Conversely he gets upset if I did not put the pans back in our fairly neat house.  The dichotomy is big. 

The answer is not to give a fig which is hard.  I get it.

[Pino83]

Well, I can relate about having a 'miss manners' SIL. My husband actually doesn't want to see her very often. And thank God he's not like that. But, he also doesn't know what to do about it and is afraid of confrontation. She is the only family he has. So he doesn't even want me to confront her. So I went nc with her.

[SeaBreeze]

I was high school sweethearts with my first uNPDh. (I usually refer to him on here as ex-H #1.) So I had known his family several years before we married, but I thought they were perfect, the family I missed out on growing up. And they always welcomed me, with future uNPD queen bee MIL often pressuring her Golden Boy with "When are you gonna marry that girl, we all love her sooo much!!"

So, we married in our early 20s. Boy, was I in for an educational experience. Starting with the first time we visited his family, who I was so excited to finally be part of, shortly after the wedding. They had built a new home since my last visit so it was a whole new setup from the teen years. Then-MIL invites me and ex-H #1 to join her in the living room. There was a large sofa that sat 3 and loveseat that sat 2, perpendicular to one another forming an L-shape. MIL enters living room first and immediately plops down in the center of large sofa. Hmm, okay. I enter behind her and decide to take the loveseat, and out of deference to her and H, I take the farthest corner away from MIL. Assuming H, who enters last, will then take the loveseat so he can sit right beside me, between me and his mother. Instead, he sits on the large sofa right next to mommy, and on the farthest end away from me?! Leaving 2 empty spots between me and MIL while I sit in the loveseat alone, looking at the 2 of them all cozied up.

My gut immediately twinged, knowing something was OFF. I tried to tell myself I was reading too much into it, but that seemingly innocently thoughtless moment would set the tone for everything that happened the next 5 years: the subtle loyalty tests from MIL, while H always put her first instead of me. But when I called it out, i was either gaslit, told I was a drama queen, and/or triangulated against various in-laws for MiL's entertainment. I married first husband, in part, for his family; I divorced him, in part, because of his family.

Hey, when you know, you know!! I'm sorry you're dealing with all the dog whistles, snubs, loyalty tests, etc that are normal everyday behavior in PD family systems. Trust your gut and please continue reading up on the Tools here. Coz we nons ain't got no time for all that drama!!!