Histrionic Traits in Long Time Friend

[bloomie]

I am pretty mad at myself right now. Just off a vacation with family/long term friends and the sense of entitlement that is evident in one of the friends... I will call her Wanda, has hit me hard, smack dab in the face.

Wanda and I became friends through our husbands and ended up raising our kids together. In time, two of our kids fell in love and married and now we are family sharing grandkids, holidays, social events and a lot of life over decades.

The relationship was established during really busy years filled with the distraction of kids and life. There have always been red flags around Wanda's honesty, loyalty, and tendency to highly histrionic traits along with often confusing circumstances around money and shared expenses - such as splitting the cost of things.

Somehow, it always slants in Wanda's favor that splitting. Either by her 'forgetting' to contribute her part or reimburse me for something or a kind of cash exchange sleight of hand. Hard to explain here, but I end up feeling like I am trying to follow a magician's trick when it comes time to divvy up shared expenses.

For a long time I chose to overlook a lot of this and brush it aside doing a slow fade in contact as much as possible, but this past bit of vacation together a stronger and stronger trend toward entitlement and signs of devolving character that I have noticed over the past few years was front and center and is impossible to overlook anymore.

In a vacation with a large group of people, over half of which were her family members, Wanda showed up the first day over an hour later than anyone else even though we had all traveled the same distance to get there, and even passed her on the highway, saying she had stops to make along the way...knowing we were all waiting dinner on her. She also arrived drunk. (she wasn't driving just an fyi, but clearly enjoyed the 'stops' she made)  

She then proceeded to do as little as humanly possible while complaining about a lot, monopolizing the conversation, sobbing in the kitchen at one point about a kerfuffle her grown children had had, grabbing my husband's ass and giving him a big wink in one of her more 'cozy' moments - yes, you read that right - didn't know about that until after the vaca, and basically drive me nuts for 5 days.

I realized several things... I cannot remember the last time Wanda even asked me how I am or anything about my life. Wanda calls me her BFF and hasn't seemed to notice I have withdrawn and been MC for about 4 years now. Wanda has been like this for a very long time I have just been too busy in the kitchen, making the party, keeping the status quo for everyone else to really adjust all areas of our relationship thinking I can just absorb it somehow. 

Most importantly, I own that I have taught Wanda she can behave this way and then trade in on the status she has as the parent/co-grandparents that we are.

I am stuck with Wanda to some degree as part of my life package. And I should say Wanda is often adorable and funny as people with histrionic traits often are ime. She comes across as highly vulnerable and easily hurt and overwhelmed.

I take 100% responsibility for teaching Wanda that she can take advantage, contribute as little as possible, manipulate, behave inappropriately and still enjoy the same level of warmth, hospitality and friendship with me that she always has. That I will not require a reasonable level of reciprocity in the relationship. That's on me.

I am putting this here in black and white my friends. I am committed to the person I am now in all of this. Five days of this put me over the top and family or not I will no longer not live out my boundaries in a wrong belief that I have to go along to get along for the greater good of the family. That I have to accept less than respectful, authentic friendship for myself because Wanda might cause a sobbing scene in someone's kitchen because I am not playing along any more. That has only emboldened her entitled behaviors. And I feel yucky about myself after spending time with her. It is an emotional type of blackmail that those with histrionic traits are very good at and I am especially vulnerable to.

Would appreciate thoughts and insights if anyone has any.

[notrightinthehead]

I have no advice for you. Only moral support. I have a histrionic friend from school. She has been in my life so long, she will stay.  She brings excitement and glamour and I keep the contact to a few hours 3-4 times a year. We don't fight but I have witnessed her fighting with others. She doesn't bear grudges for long.

From what you wrote, I reckon you bring a lot of convenience to Wanda's life. You mostly seem to resent your own behavior around her. That's not good for you. I agree with you, you should behave in a way that you are at peace and content with yourself. Even if that will cause some surprise and maybe discontent on Wanda's side. You know her ways. You know your vulnerability to her ways. Would some planning prepare you beforehand? As much as you are stuck with her, she is also stuck with you. So if you, all of a sudden, decide to change and become inconvenient, she might suffer dramatically, get a lot of attention for her enormous suffering, then adjust to the new reality. As we all tend to do.

[xredshoesx]

the fact that your children have now married and share the grandchildren makes this more complex.  there's no 'out' which is how i feel about my MIL, which is why i always volunteer to be in the kitchen, doing dishes or cooking.  that's the best boundary i can make in the situation.  i like notright's suggestions.  let wanda cry about you pulling back in someone else's kitchen.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi dear Bloomie,

I think you already cleared the way for Wanda to wander out of your life and become someone who you will socialize with, but no longer consider a close friend.

What you wrote at the end of your post here resonates with me. Knowing what we are vulnerable to is half the battle IMO. Wanda may present well at times, and may be charming and fun at times, but overall, she's no longer a good friend to you. You can see it, and you've outgrown your desire to accommodate her when her social behaviours lack grace. Like showing up late, and drunk to a gathering where others were probably there to just enjoy the socializing, not deal with Wanda's behaviours one after another.

There's obviously stuff in her life that she's not taking good care of. Showing up late and drunk is a sign that she did not value the get together with you all, she didn't want to be there sober, and she didn't want to deal with people in a respectful way. Clearly something going on with her that is not your problem.

Good for you for identifying that her current behaviours are not aligned with your goals for friendship. You can be pleasant with her in social events, but leave it at that.

If in the future, she acts 'wounded' by you withdrawing your concern for her, you already know how to deal with that, given your insight and wisdom on how to deal with narcissism in people. Like you wrote, she has not expressed concern for you in years now. Sounds like she withdrew her concern for you a while back.

Trees

[bloomie]

From what you wrote, I reckon you bring a lot of convenience to Wanda's life. You mostly seem to resent your own behavior around her. That's not good for you. I agree with you, you should behave in a way that you are at peace and content with yourself. Even if that will cause some surprise and maybe discontent on Wanda's side. You know her ways. You know your vulnerability to her ways. Would some planning prepare you beforehand? As much as you are stuck with her, she is also stuck with you. So if you, all of a sudden, decide to change and become inconvenient, she might suffer dramatically, get a lot of attention for her enormous suffering, then adjust to the new reality. As we all tend to do.

Lightbulb!! I will become inconvenient to Wanda. I do know her ways and will plan and prepare! Thank you for your insights and support, notright!!!

[bloomie]

the fact that your children have now married and share the grandchildren makes this more complex.  there's no 'out' which is how i feel about my MIL, which is why i always volunteer to be in the kitchen, doing dishes or cooking.  that's the best boundary i can make in the situation.  i like notright's suggestions.  let wanda cry about you pulling back in someone else's kitchen.

xredshoesx - you get it. I am going to have shared experiences with Wanda that I refuse to give over to this dynamic. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, too or hanging with the kiddos! It really does help distance from the drama that is Wanda. Gonna let her cry it out to someone else next time! Love that! 

[bloomie]

I think you already cleared the way for Wanda to wander out of your life and become someone who you will socialize with, but no longer consider a close friend.

You all are giving me some great quotes for my journal! Gonna let Wanda wander away! 

I have long ago adjusted how I consider her in terms of friendship, but I can see that I need to see her as a distant relative of a beloved family member and think through the activities I have included her in because of our shared roles as grandparents that are not necessary, if that makes sense. Rethinking that!! Thank you!