Recently became NPD Mom's caregiver after 20 years NC

[Colbie25]

My mom is 80. She is in good health and has no signs of dementia.

I had been NC with her for almost 20 years. When COVID hit she called me. I was in a bad place at that time being self employed and on the verge of losing a business I'd spent over 15 years building. I was definitely vulnerable. I picked up the phone, she surprisingly apologized for having been a bad mother. We started to slowly rebuild a relationship over the phone. I was living across the country.

Six months later COVID restrictions resulted in my losing my business and livelihood. So there I was in my 50s, single, no family, no job and about to lose my apartment because my landlord wanted to sell. My mother had asked me to consider moving home to live with her. She was alone in a paid for house in a really nice area. She said she was OK now but would be needing help in the future. I could come be her caregiver while I built a new career. It seemed like an ideal arrangement for both of us.

I got rid of a lot of things, packed my remaining belongings in a truck and headed there. I've been here about a year now and things are falling apart. Her relentless negativity is taking it's toll. She has violated one one firm boundary multiple times only to claim she had "forgotten" or that she didn't remember what she said. I wish I could chalk it up to her age but she's always been this way.

I could kick myself for falling for this. I spent decades cultivating a positive attitude, doing meaningful work that helped people, becoming a respected member of my community only to end up where I started. The place I was desperate to escape. The beautiful life I built blew up due to forces outside my control and I'm feeling completely defeated.

[Sneezy]

Colbie25 - You didn't fall for anything. You made a perfectly reasonable and sensible decision, and it's a decision that many others have made, especially during Covid. Your mother may have had good intentions and truly believed she could rebuild her relationship with you. On paper, everything you both did makes perfect sense.

Unfortunately, your mother can't change her underlying negativity. It's ingrained in who she is and it defines her. Can you start making plans to move out? Are there other arrangements that can be made for your mother's long-term needs? And in the meantime, can you take some breaks, both physical and mental? Take a walk, get a massage, go out and work from a coffee shop all day, whatever you can do to have some time away.  And when you are with your mother, keep up your boundaries and practice your medium chill (there are some great tips on this web site, including a glossary of terms, list of strategies, and other info).

It's so difficult.   Negative people are exhausting. They drain all the joy from a room and leave us feeling like punching bags. Hugs to you and post out here whenever you need support. This community is full of wisdom.

[Cat of the Canals]

What Sneezy said. I'm so sorry you're in this position, but please don't start believing there's no way out. Do what you need to do to get OUT. Your wellbeing needs to come first. Always.

[Colbie25]

Dear Sneezy,

Thank you for your kind reply. I have tears in my eyes right now, didn't know how much I needed some sympathetic words.

I've come a long way in getting a new career going. I've completed licensing and certifications for my new field and I've put a lot of work into building both my personal and professional network, but it's hard to start over at my age. Some days it feels like too much. I do try to spend as much time out of the house as I can, get exercise, eat well etc. I think the holidays were especially difficult.

I think having been NC for so long I forgot how things really were. On some level I convinced myself I might have been exaggerating things. Now that I'm back I see it's the opposite, I had been gaslighting myself.

I'm glad I found this forum. I used to spend a lot of time on a different one about ten years ago. At that time a lot of people weren't all that familiar with narcissism. At least now we know more and advances have been made in helping us. I don't think this is something we can ever overcome, the best we can hope for is to manage things.

Thanks again,

Colbie25

[Andeza]

There's a financial guy I watch that calls this the encore performance. Any time you learn new career later in life, it's an encore. You've got a lot of time to build, to grow, and to enjoy life. It ain't over! You can do this. I know! It takes a whole lot of time, effort, and smarts to build a business. That just proves you can do what you focus on and reach for. So if you focus on, and reach for, your freedom... You'll get there in no time!

Don't be hard on yourself! You're a kind and caring person and did what you thought was right under the circumstances. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. It's all any of us can do.

[SunnyMeadow]

This sounds really hard Colbie. At least now you know and you can start making other plans. Like Sneezy wrote your mother can't change her underlying negativity. I sure wish they could.

I also think you did what you thought was best at the time. You were working with limited information on your mother's behaviors. How were you to know she'd be acting like this still? I always thought my mother would turn into a sweet old lady. She didn't and is instead like a viper, waiting to gossip and hurt people. It's painful to deal with this.

[Hilltop]

You made the best decision at the time that you could.  Your mother would have been acting nicely at this stage I bet.  If she was showing you negativity at this stage, I doubt you would have gone but instead what you wrote made it sound like she was positive, supportive.  Of course then reality has set in.

It's ok that you tried.  It hasn't worked out, that doesn't make you stuck.  I would start working on a plan to move out.  Keep working on starting a new business, then look for a place to go.  As you say, COVID came along and really messed things up.  You tried something which could have worked and been a good option, don't beat yourself up for trying. You will eventually find your way again.

[GentleSoul]

So sorry you are in this position.  I can understand how overwhelming and desperate it feels.

Sending support to you.

I think it is natural for us to hope our parents mellow into sweet, nicer people as they get older. Sadly often they get far worse.  My late PD mother did, she became more bitter and nasty.  Lee xx

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, Colbie!  I moved my Nmom in with me in 2016 and had to evict her 6 months later.  It was awful and reactivated c-ptsd for me that I still struggle with.  I hope you can make other living arrangements very soon!  Don't get down on yourself; you gave it a shot and were sadly validated in your NC decision years ago.  Best wishes in your new career path and for a wonderful 2022.

[Happypants]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  All I can really say is it might be worth thinking about how you'd be feeling right now if you hadn't given her another chance. Would you perhaps be weighed down with guilt? Ruminating on whether you should have given her another chance? Whether you should have moved in and become her caretaker? You now know that she hasn't changed, and you can move forward in the knowledge that you've previously built a life for yourself and that you're  very capable of doing so again on your own terms. It's beyond unfair the circumstances you found yourself in because of Covid x 

[feralcat]

Hi.
Sorry - doing this the wrong way round, I need to put something on the Welcome Board etc - but I just have to say ....

It's never too late to start anew. Or to change.
You don't say how old you are (?) but I'm 66. Just got my pension. Covid makes everything more difficult, in terms of sorting out what you want/need to do. Which can be depressing. But you're a survivor. And the pandemic can also be an opportunity .You've already begun to retrain, and it looks like you're flexible in outlook. I'm of the opinion that opportunities tend to 'arrive', so the more prepared you are/ the more networking you do, the better. Including asking for emotional support and advice here. This has been a lifeline for me (long time lurker)

You even tried the experiment of seeing whether your mother was capable/wanted to change. She wasn't. Unfortunately they can only mask what's underneath for a time. It did give you a breathing space though, when you needed it.

My unPdM is 88. I am LC. I wish I'd come Out of the FOG much sooner. I was 60 then. If I had, I'd be NC, and hence probably Cut off by my large enmeshed family. But I'd still opt for that. Life is short. Make the most of it.
Everyone is rooting for you.

[daughter]

I'd put together a multi-step plan, and schedule, towards regaining financial independence and new home.  Post it, refer to it for reinforcement, remind yourself you are not your mother's in-home elder-care service.  Once a PD, likely to remain a PD, no matter how dressed-up or momentarily self-contained. You can do it!  Part-time jobs are good reentry points.

[Tribe16]

Colbie,


I don't see what you did as a failure, only a learning experience in the school of hard knocks. You behaved like a normal, rational human being. Sadly the NPDs in our lives are cunning and we get conned. COVID is lessening it's grip on our lives and if you want to be out from under Mom, you'll figure out a way. You're a survivor. Anyone who ends up at this website is a survivor. I wish you uber-ultra Gray Rock skills and layers of emotional bubble wrap while you are finding your way out. Blessings to you.

[1footouttadefog]

Don't be hard on yourself.  You did what seemed reasonable given the circumstances.

You did not loose your business it was taken from you.  The Covid pandemic and all the tyrannous circumstances it has brought about are as you said beyond your control.

I am sure your business loss was a tough thing to see.  I had a small business and it was a good thing but decided to stop operating when we decided to move.  I could jmhabe rebooted it in the new location but it was not best for my goals at that time.

Perhaps set things up so you and your mother are roommates.  Turn your room into a small studio apt and set up a kitchenette if possible.  I have a similar arrangement with my spouse. We live as neighbors except he come up for meals.  If this is too much interaction you can fix meals for her to eat in n her space and you in yours

I recommend the tool box section of this website.  And remember you do not have to share personal info or anything she will use against you.  Also you can remove yourself from any conversation that is not a polite.