Trying to keep two relationships at the same time

[escapingman]

I have realised over the divorce proceedings and everything that goes on that STBX is trying to maintain 2 relationships with me at the same time. She is doing the hard bargain scorched earth with only one interest which is to destroy me. But at the same time, she is trying to be "nice" and want contact with me so we can be civil to each other and coparent. How can she add that up in her head? I know she is PD and is completely beyond help with that, but even that, how can you split a person so much you are trying to "kill" him with one hand and reconcile with the other?

I got a bill from the lawyer today, it was massive, I had forgotten it would come. I first got panicky and angry as it is so unnecessary and I am in the middle of something I have no control of. I had to do some breathing and then calmly tell myself, there is nothing I can do about the legal bills, and there is nothing I can do about STBX inventing issues to fight. I just have to stay calm and carry one. I was surprised how quick I could shake off the initial feelings. I think I am moving in the right direction.

I also had a meeting with the social worker, and she just don't get it. I had been fantasising about how I should tell her how she has ruined GC's life etc and bla bla. But when talking to her, she is just a manipulated girl not having a clue about PD. How can I shot her down? What benefit would that be for me? She thinks that STBX is now "changed" and that we should start mediation and to co parent. 

But how the h*ck can STBX drag me through the mud and shoot at me and at the same time suggest she would even do me favours? It's bewildering.

[Rose1]

I found the episodes of nice very unsettling. The normal response is to be nice in return but it always backfired. As ex deteriorated, the nasty came quicker.
I got to see that the nice was a ploy to get his way and the nasty was payback for it not working. I don't think they can hold it together under stress and the nasty is the default. Nice is always because he wants something.

The nasty prevails after a long time but it doesn't bother.me anymore since he's long gone. It will happen.

[escapingman]

Rose, yes that's so true. STBX is mainly trying to be reasonable through social worker suggesting things that would never work. I am not sure if she is just trying to convince the SW she is good or if she think the SW can convince me I was wrong. I can however see through this and if she think we will be on speaking terms and co parent she has to think again. How can you even contemplate thinking of having a relationship whilst at the same time alienating your child against the other parent so they have no contact?

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escaping man,

Easy for her!

They look at us like an object like a car (to be used of course).
Currently you are her car. She wants to get as much for that car as she can but she also sees value for that car and if she can get that car back for free! Such a deal!

They need to 1) Control and need to have control of you during and if it ends after the relationship. She may wish to either punish you or toy with you. You going NC ends her control. She wants to leave that door open so she can chose to go NC or contact you. She needs to be in control.
They also punish you to get you to comply. They feel given enough punishment you will give into them.
2) They need to win. Always
3) You need to be punished so all their nasty feelings go away

[InTheDragonsDen]

I can actually see my wife give undivided attention to me at an event and then immediately switch to giving undivided attention to other men at an event (at this moment I do not exist to her). Then go home with me.
Watching her patterns I can see she can do one thing and then do something completely opposite.
Husband (me) required for money and social status.
Other men: Required for triangulation (she doesnt have any intimacy towards me) and they are giving her attention.
Needless to say I no longer go out with my wife. Does it bother me when she goes out? At first yes. Once the bond was broken between us. Not.

They say they can compartmentalize. I am the old toy. Others are the new shiny toy.
They move back and forth between good behavior and bad behavior to control us.
Best way to think of it is: They love themselves and they want us and others to love them. They think about themselves only. They have learned to put a false face on to get what they want.

Control, abuse, triangulation, manipulation, lying and punishment

Social workers are like mediators and totally untrained for this. What is needed is a psychologist trained in people with PD"s. They will clue in almost immediately than one or the other has a PD and it would not take them long to determine which one. Imagine being the psychologist, talking to each partner separately. Two totally different stories. It would be an aha moment.

[escapingman]

I think STBX is panicking with the loss of control over me and the situation. We are having one route of communication, which is through the solicitors and where she plays hard ball and is determined to ruin my life. Now she has again tried to open up a second route of communication, direct with me through email. This is not permitted by the court order, but she is circumventing it in the pretence it is about the children which is allowed. I must pat mysef on the back to this to be honest, when the email arrived, I felt nothing, it was just another email in my inbox. When I read it, I felt nothing, almost to the degree I was about to respond to it and agree to some of it as it was quite normal requests. But then I had to remind myself, even if her requests are normal, I have no adverse reaction to it, I will only invite possible trauma by interacting with her again. Having slept on it and thought about it over and over, I think this might be the time let her collapse. If I leave the email unanswered she will feel total loss of control, I saw her desperation in the email, but she will use that as ammunition to set GC further against me, however she will do that anyway.

Next week will be huge and all I can hope for is her losing her cool once and for all.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Escapingman, hope something far better. Hope the the divorce is finalized and you enjoy life to the fullest!

[escapingman]

Escapingman, hope something far better. Hope the the divorce is finalized and you enjoy life to the fullest!

Thanks ITDD, yes to finalise the divorce and be able to move on will be huge. But I am also having the separate battle about GC, currently on ice as I am collecting myself and deciding strategies. I think the best way to fight that is to move on with my life an live the best life I can, let STBX frustrate about me moving on and hopefully lose grip of GC whilst she is waking up.

[escapingman]

One thing that she wrote that really amazes me, she wants me to do a favour for her so she can heal. SO SHE CAN HEAL! The detachment from reality and the entitlement is just on a different level. I am so glad I got no reaction to the contact, but to see her or hear her voice would definitely get a completely different response. The email kept a very neutral tone, she is treading carefully as I could use any bad contact against her as it would violate the court order. But under the surface it was a "Me, me, me, me, me, me need, me want, me must get" message from her.

[Associate of Daniel]

I remember when I was going through the financial settlement with UNPD exH, he at one point sent me an email telling me to hurry up with the legal documents as financial settlement would go a long way towards his "healing".

At that stage we were still legally married, he'd moved in with his affair partner and he and her were (still do today) both earning six figures.

I was in the badly in need of repair and cosmetic touch ups family home, on social security and a minimum wage job, doing the day to day of single mumming. I had no avenues of financing the settlement other than borrowing over $100,000 from my family.

I'm sure if someone fogave me a $50,000 mortgage remainder and gave me a cheque for $70,000 cash, I'd heal too.

I recently discovered on his uNPD now wife's instagram account photos from a trip to some tropical island resort they did the month after our settlement was finalised.

He and I were still married.

Healing. My foot.🙄

AOD

[escapingman]

AOD, yes it is baffling how entitled and detached from reality they are. STBX fight me for every penny, using parental alienation so I haven't seen one of my daughters for 8 months. But I am supposed to help with her healing and let he into the house to take what she wants, never mind the court order stating she is not allowed near the house. I had a good long think and reasoned with myself, is it rude to not reply to an email? Am I obliged to reply? I decided I have no obligation what so ever to respond to someone who actively is trying to ruin my life. None what so ever.

[square]

I'm liking how you are proactively thinking through your choices rather than reacting. Great job.

[escapingman]

This is really a new experience, trying to resist every urge to be reasonable. What makes sense to do, does not makes sense in the context. To save some time and hassle short term I could agree to certain things, but knowing it is all a game for STBX and her being desperate to get back in touch and ultimately assert control over me again I have to stop myself. I am trying to put a cool down period on myself to not respond to anything from anyone before having slept on it. Sometimes the brain temporary forget we are dealing with a uPD and tries to make me do a reasonable response. It is really hard to not act in a way any reasonable person would have done in a normal circumstance. It's hard to justify to others why I am so difficult, but it is not for others to judge and they have no idea what is actually going on and has been going on. My solicitor sometimes ask me why I just don't agree to something, same for the social worker, but I don't answer to them, I only answer to myself.

I am keeping all communication routes closed for now, except the one through solicitors. I have nothing to win by opening anything up any other routes, not at all.

[SonofThunder]

I believe PD's enjoy being in the game, because playing the game includes activated roles on the drama triangle 🔺, regardless of another's desire for participation.  All it takes to keep the game alive, is for one person to play victim.  Victimization requires a persecutor, and the persecutor is assigned by the victim, whether I like it or not. 

Therefore steady forward progress is my goal to end the game, and that will require me to let go of some of my desires, even against truth and fairness.  Its not a defeat for me to do so, but a healthy, realistic mindfulness understanding that the system makes it easy for the game to continue onward by the victim, who is using the system to their advantage.  Time = cost.  If letting go shortens gametime, there is a real attributed cost savings to be considered against the price of what I let go.  That also includes the cost of my emotional and physical health, in addition to assets. 

Many times for me, highly toolbox self-controlled, high-radar communication (outside solicitors) allows me to get a current reading on my stbx, as to where she is in the game.  Attorneys imo, make big money by balancing forward progress with keeping the game active.  I will shorten the gametime as much as possible on my own, by using my PD education to make my own decisions combined with using a hired attorney for providing me legal boundaries in my situation and their experience strategies to my battleplans.  But, nobody knows my stbx like I do.  Nobody. 

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

EM, how is this week going?  You were expecting it to be difficult, I think.

AOD

[escapingman]

I am feeling like Neo in The Matrix right now, STBX keeps shooting and shooting and I just dance around her bullets. She has tried several emails direct to me, multiple messages to DD, requests through solicitor and refusals on other issues. But, I am not getting triggered. I was really surprised the other day when an email from her arrived and I just opened it and read it like it was any other email. Her desperation to try to get back in touch and control is almost laughable, she recently sent a message to DD and asked if she could arrange for a kitchen utensil to be delivered to her - this is an item that can be purchased for £1 and is available in most shops.

Oh and I said in an earlier thread I was going to start packing up her items. I have now got most of it delivered to where she lives including all her clothes. It feels so good and like another chain has been broken.

Thanks for caring.

[hhaw]

WOO HOO, EM...... I'm so proud you got the stbx's things packed up and delivered to her!  AMAZING.  I bet that feels like blue skys and green grass....... approaching freedom.

I'd definitely report ANY contact the PD attempts to make..... if I recall.... you aren't required to have contact with her YET?  Is that right?

If she breaks an Order, in ANY small way.... you're obligated to report it to your attorney and the police to document it properly. 

You have to continue your stance which is traumatized from the PD's abuse and the NEED for NC for your mental health and continued safety out of her presence and away from her rages and abuse.

Just keep hammering your points and don't give in on ANYTHING or opposing counsel will point that that ONE thing in order to get all protections dismissed.....

"EM doesn't need protections bc he 's clearly not upset by contact from the stbx on this day and that day a that day, etc..."

You want your messaging to be on point, consistent and to never waiver, ever ever ever....... you need protection.  You have evidence.  Rely on that evidence and try not to give an inch.  Report report report.

Judges hate it when litigants ignore their Orders, IME.

Hate it.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Amazed that the main theme, main patterns repeat and repeat through others that have gone before us.
It is a great guide to us that have not walked out the door for the final time.

EVERYONES experience is indeed a "roadmap" telling others where it is safe to travel and where the bumps in the road are and where the wrong paths go and where they lead.

Thank you all for sharing.