Severe crush on a roommate

[mary_poppins]

Hi. I decided to post this here because crushes, infatuations are part of the 'working on us' part. I think feeling anything rather than anger, sadness or grief for our family is beneficial.

Anyway, so a guy moved into our home. (I live in a house and I rent a room) I didn't like him in the beginning because I assumed he wouldn't be nice so I had the worst thoughts (lived with PDs for a few years and developed PTSD from their abuse) about him. However, it turns out he is the nicest guy I ever lived with. He constantly apologizes (even when there's no need ) and is considerate and respects boundaries.

Anyway, all of a sudden I started thinking about him and of what it would be like to have him as a boyfriend. This happened suddenly, I was surprised to have these feelings for him in such a short time. Fast forward to now when I can't even be at home without fantasizing about him every single second.  It is very uncomfortable but also very pleasant. I've had not so nice roommates in the past and he is definitely not one of them.

After some time I realized that this may be infatuation or limerence. Due to my abusive past, I develop limerent feelings for men all the time. But these feelings come on faster when I am in close corners with a guy (have to see him daily) and he is nice and empathetic towards me.
Should I rationalize this as being a habit of mine of coping with my abusive past (thus, a normal habit) instead of something special and unique?

I just want to understand why I suddenly crush on a guy I'm living with and if it is normal. If it's a product of c-PTSD or PTSD, I wonder if there is anything that could be done about it. If not, should I pursue it? Idk if I even have the strenght to say how I feel (plus, I wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable)

I hope this subject is appropriate here. Hopefully at least someone here understands or has been through something similar (or maybe knows of someone in a similar situation).

Thanks for listening, this has been a difficult thing to talk about.

Mary Poppins

[escapingman]

Mary Poppins,

To have a crush on someone does not mean it is bad. I have had crushes in the past but been to scared to be rejected so never acted on them, don't be scared if you really have feelings. But as always, keep your eyes on red flags and react accordingly.

Good luck, and it is appropriate to post this kind of things here!

[Srcyu]

It sounds as though he still might be on his best behaviour?
Apologising all the time suggests he is nervous and trying his best to fit in.

Your crush probably stems from his nice behaviour towards you and it's to be expected after past abuse.

He will know that your feelings are changing just as you would if it were the other way round. Look for signs to see if he feels the same and ...... take it from there.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I think it's very common to develop feelings for someone you are in close proximity to.  I've known couples, including ones who ended up married, who started this way.  I've also had it happen to me.

As far as the "take it from there" part ... I hope, if I ever date again, I never forget the advice I received long ago and ignored:  Go slowly.  Slow is real.

It seems every PD relationship, or other dysfunctional relationship, I've ever heard about or lived through got serious fast.  If I had taken that advice, I suspect the PD would have dropped off early on (kind of like a tick that latches on to someone but doesn't find any blood). 

[notrightinthehead]

Right, you have a crush. Does it make you feel giggly and a little bit happier? Do you want to look your best? Are you paying attention on how you behave and show your best side? Do you feel warmer inside? All good things! Enjoy the feeling!
As for what to do - I second what others have written, take it slow. The slower the better. It's fortunate to be around someone who makes you feel kind inside. Now get to know the guy. Show interest in what he has to tell you. How he behaves. I agree, the excessive apologizing doesn't sound good. Is he friend material? Or more? Reign in your phantasies of marriage and eternal love, should you have them, to an hour a day and stay in reality the rest of the time. Check what he brings to you. And enjoy your crush when you are alone in your room.

[JollyJazz]

Hello Mary Poppins,

Thanks for posting! You seem very thoughtful about things!

Yes! I know what you mean about crushes! They can be quite bitter sweet. On one hand it's kind of a sweet very human thing, but I know it can also be stressful at times to have a major crush!!!
Sorry to hear about the additional anxiety due to  PD abuse.

Ideally it sounds like it would be good to see him in a nuanced light - not as a hero / perfect, just human, keep getting to know him, and not letting the crush overwhelm you too much 😌

I too, like so many of us here, have had a few!

The crappy childhood fairy'did a post on just this: https://youtu.be/ga4VHjKkv70

But in the meantime, some things that have helped me in your shoes have been - mindful exercise e.g. things where you are fully immersed can help detach - I remember finally shaking free of a months long crush that way!

Also meditation and keeping up my own hobbies etc really helps me. It helps to also do things (including the above) that build up ones self esteem so that you can feel more balanced if things don't 'work out' etc. Then you are reminded that there's a lot of other fish in the sea 😌

P. S. It is a good sign that he seems kind. Apologising a lot can be a common feature amongst people (like us on here) they have survived PD abuse. But not common in narcissists by all accounts!!

[mary_poppins]

Wow, guys, I didn't expect that many thoughtful responses. Thank you all so much. I was embarassed to read the replies, that's why it took a while.

Escapingman: Yes, I know what you mean to be scared of rejection. Rejection is brutal in romantic relationships. I had some as well. But I will keep me eyes on the red flags. It is such a good reminder, thanks.

Windmill: 'Your crush probably stems from his nice behavior towards you and it's to be expected after past abuse.'-WOW, you hit the nail on the head with this statement. Thank you. I was thinking as well that I developed the crush after he showed me how kind and polite he can be. Thing is I've never had a boyfriend who was also attractive and kind and considerate. They were either attractive and PDs (the worst combination  ) or not so attractive but ok, kind. He is both ridiculously attractive (and unaware of it as it seems) and respectful. He seems to respect boundaries, too which is another turn on. Ha ha.

But, Windmill, you have a point. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship both both my parents (they were awful to me while at home) prior to moving to this place, I wouldn't have been so into him. Could the crush may be a sign of trauma bond? If it is, it may not be so good..
Thanks for opening this subject. You don't know why your subconscious is hooking on certain people until someone points it out to you.
(BTW, I don't mean to say crushes are not OK. They are. However, I just want to know I am crushing on this guy for the right reasons and not to feel as if a relationship with him would give me a ticket out of the trauma bond. Or an escape from my current life situation-living abroad and the challenges that come with it).
Yes, I'll look for those signs but I'll also be on guard to see if he is trustworthy (PDs can hide their true nature for long, as you know it).

Lookin2BFree
So nice to hear that there are couples who ended up married who started as housemates I thought this is just a bad idea in general but who knows? It may not be a bad idea. It was cute how we met. I was on the hallway and he was just going into his new room. I asked him if he's moving in and then he came over to me and introduced himself to me. He had the most wonderful smile. He seems to laugh/joke a lot. I know that PDs are morose 24/7 and can't express any positive emotion.

Your advice to go slowly is very good. I actually forgot about the importance of taking it slowly in any relationship. I don't think he's the kind of guy who would rush into anything but I might be wrong. Thanks.

notrightinthehead: Yes, I do feel all those things. I am not sure if he is friend material. Very good point. We are in very different places in life so may be totally different people. As you all know, I moved countries and he is a local. I have a big list of the countries I lived in. I'm a big risk taker and I don't think he is. But I don't know him well so..I know it is so important for couples to start out as friends. This is my wish as well. We will see.

JollyJazz: I am doing meditation but not as much as I want. Thanks for the reminder. Hobbies, yes, I need to re-focus on them. And the fish in the sea part-yep, there are plenty. But when you fixate on a person sometimes it feels like there's only this guy in the sea with colorful, pretty scales while around him there are sharks and algae. Yuck! 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Mary Poppins

I am glad that this is helpful!

JollyJazz: I am doing meditation but not as much as I want.

Me too! I do meditate but I want to make sure I meditate more!

And the fish in the sea part-yep, there are plenty. But when you fixate on a person sometimes it feels like there's only this guy in the sea with colorful, pretty scales while around him there are sharks and algae. Yuck! 

I hear you!!! I've often felt like that,sometimes just focusing on a crush like it would be so catastrophic if it didn't work out. In the 'crappy childhood fairy' link she has some incredibly insightful points about that feeling - as she pits it, 'its the trauma talking' - was a great point for me.

Anyway, my hope is that he's a real 'good sort' and it works out, but it's not the end of the world if not 😌 Best wishes!

[mary_poppins]

@JollyJazz I'm now more and more convinced the crush was caused by the trauma bond.
I wonder how do people who have healthy families fall in love ...

Btw, that link to the limerence video is good. But it's also hard to watch because it was about the letter I sent Anna about one of my old crushes. Ha ha, what a small world, no? She told some really harsh truths in there that I can't stomach.  But she's right.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Wow, MP!  The recommended CC Fairy piece was on a letter you had sent.  That's wild!

[JollyJazz]

Oh wow!!!

No wonder it seemed like it might be good.

I'm sorry you're hurting  I think many of us here know that feeling!

Sending you my best wishes and it is awesome that you are taking such a mindful perspective on everything 

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, guys. You're very understanding. I have researched about the attraction factor between housemates and found out this: there is a psychological phenomenon called the mere exposure effect. When two people are in close proximity, they can become attracted to each other. That explains why my friend married a guy who lived right next door to her 
So it's not only because he seems such a nice guy. (he is very nice, no signs of PD for now).

Yep, Anna's video is about my letter, she actually reached out to thank me because it went viral. Also, I didn't know that so many people struggle with limerence. I thought I was the only one crushing on people who I didn't know much about (it happend again with my housemate, as you all see  ) I think, as she said it, crushing on someone you don't know many things about makes it much safer. They can't hurt you if you keep the crush from developing in something more serious. Plus, not being known and seen by the limerent object is also safe-remember that our PD parents would give us the worst kind of attention (for me attention meant beatings, yelling and constant put downs  I can still remember my mother's evil face while she was beating me, and the fear..yuck)

Anyway, just a bit of talk about limerence.

[mary_poppins]

Update: I found out he is gay..

[notrightinthehead]

Wonderful! Now you know he is friends material.

[mary_poppins]

@notrightinthehead ha ha, maybe, not sure i wanna be friends with a guy i have a crush on and is gay

[1footouttadefog]

Perhaps it's an opportunity  to have a male friend without the romance pressures.  Assuming your crush settled over time amd you saw him as just a decent guy friend.