uBPDm getting worse with therapy and issues with my grandma

[lesbihonest]

Hi folks,

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not, but my uBPDm has been seeing a therapist for weight loss and since starting therapy her behavior has progressively gotten worse and worse and she is increasingly more toxic.  The woman she is seeing used to be a personal fitness trainer and realized her clients had psychological blocks preventing them from reaching their fitness/ health/ weight goals so she got certified to be a counselor and focuses on weight loss-- all of this to say that she is not someone who specialized in personality disorders and is probably in way over her head when trying to help my mom.  My mom has been seeing her for over a year now, hasn't lost any weight, but has become 'aware' of her 'feelings' and expresses her feelings in an attempt to manipulate others to act how she wants.  (She will say "I'm so upset that you cancelled our plans for this afternoon!" and I will say "I'm really sorry you are upset, that wasn't my intention." and her response will be  something like "I told you I'm upset-- why aren't you doing something to make it right and make me happy again?!").

Recently, her new thing is to tell people how 'abandoned' she feels by them.  This is exacerbated by my grandma's failing health and my mom being the person in the family who lives closest to her.  As an aside, my mom has been the person who lives closest to my grandparents for the past 45+ years-- my aunt has lived at least 2-3 hours away since she graduated high school and moved out so it isn't like my grandma got sick and my aunt suddenly moved away or something.  She has never really been there, but in my mom's mind this is my aunt abandoning her and saddling her with my grandma.  My grandma is in an assisted living and has a private 24/7 aid, so it isn't like my mom is actually caring for my grandma or that my grandma is dependent on my mom for her basic needs.  Another factor to this is that my aunt and all of my mom/aunt's cousins are retired and are spending the season together in Florida, but my mom is still working full time and is 'home alone' (even though she lives with my dad).  When she talks with any of the cousins or my aunt, she gets really upset that they are going to the beach and going shopping and getting mani/pedis while she is going to work and stopping at the assisted living every day on her way home. 

To be fair-- I get her frustration.  This is a really sucky situation to be in and it doesn't show much sensitivity towards her for everyone to tell her about going to an art class together or how nice the beach was when she is driving through a snow storm to bring my grandma more ensure and adult diapers.  I think that having a parent in this stage of life is probably one of the hardest things to go through and I understand her feelings that the responsibility of my grandma should be shared between my mom and her sister.  But I also see that this situation is more common than it should be.  Actually, it is more the norm than the exception when it comes to aging parents.  Most people in the assisted living only have one child who is attentive regardless of how many children they actually have.  But according to my mom, she is the ONLY PERSON EVER to go through this.  When I pointed out to her that she isn't the only person in the history or human kind to go through this, or even the only person right now going through this, or even the only person in our family going through this (my dad's brother is in the same position with my other grandma-- my parents live about 10-12 hours away by car and my dad hasn't been an attentive son.... at least he isn't telling my uncle about how nice the beach weather was though....) she got mad at me and said I was being 'hard on her' and she needs 'kindness and compassion'.   

My mom's toxicity has continued to increase to the point where I am now going limited contact.  Unfortunately, the only way to see my grandma is to also see my mom since she is there all the time and I would need to coordinate travel with my parents (I live in a nearby city and don't have a car so they would need to pick me up from a bus or train station nearby).  My mom is the dragon who is guarding the gold which is my grandma.  I was supposed to go out to see everyone yesterday and I didn't want to deal with my mom and her antics, so I canceled the trip.  I feel bad because my grandma isn't doing well and I want to spend as much time as possible with her, but on the flip side I am not willing to do that at the expense of myself.  My mom has been attaching herself to me and it feels like I've become a second therapist for her.  Although her negativity and toxicity are generally not directed at me, it is still very hard to be around. 

Have any of you gone through something similar?  Would you say it is worth it to suffer through my mom to spend that time with my grandma?  I know my grandma would understand if I am not coming because of my mom-- she has always said that my mom can be toxic and that my mom is mentally unwell and is difficult to have a relationship with.  But I would hate to lose future time with her because of my mom. 

Thanks for your consideration.