misnogistic mother

[RainbowGirl]

I am hoping maybe people here might help me.

When I was younger, the relationship I had with my mother was stressful. She wasn't very nice to me.  She wasn't brutal or anything but she was ok but then other times she was too intense with her anger.  When I was younger I always aimed to please.  I remember when I was a teenager, I used to have work during the summer holidays and sometimes as well after school. There was a summer I was unable to get work.  I was sitting outside in the sun and she came running out from the house and she launched a verbal attack on me shouting at me to find work.  I was looking for work at the time, I just didn't get any work.

It wasn't the first and only attack on me.

I always felt that my mother treated me differently to my brothers.  She never once behaved like that to any of my brothers.  Only to me (female).  As soon as I was 18 she took rent of me even though I was still in school and studying for final exams. She never did that to my brothers.  There was definately something there.  She always showed my brothers empathy and caring.  I remember when my brothers were in their early 20s.  They were always going out with their mates, drinking and sometimes getting in trouble with the cops.  My mother never once raged at them but she would flip exetremely easily to me for nothing.

I rented an apartment for some years in my 20s.  All my brothers lived at home. She went above and beyond for all over them overly caring for them.  She used to come to me, struggling for money.  That was her decision. She was babying her adult sons who were old enough to contribute.  She never took a cent out of them.  But when I was living at home, it was a different thing.  She would become angry on a Friday night if I was 'late'. There was hardly any opportunity or grace towards me as if an ATM was built under my pillow for pay day. 

Eventually life took us all in different directions.
Life took all of my brothers abroad.  Not because she babied them.  Working opportunities were limited for them during the 2008 down turn.  Eventually I wasn't able to afford my rent and I was so short on money.  I had to move by home.  I never took advantage of living at home and I always helped but sometimes I got a feeling it was never enough for my mother.  In the early days of moving back home she did try to charge me a rent but I stopped that once and for all because she's not a landlord and if she was going to charge me rent I was going to snitch on her to the tax and beinifit department . I fell on hard times and she only ever saw it as a way to boost up her own pockets and gain a profit out of me.  She never once treated any of my brothers like that.  The worst thing was all of my brothers took advantage of living at home and used the opportunity to drink every weekend with their mates (that's when they were at home) where I was I was more responsible. 

When I moved back home and she was trying to charge me rent, I stopped it. I do contribute in other ways like paying towards bills and helping with online groceries and other chores and stuff around the home.

Some people think of adults living at home with their parent/s and they must have everything done for them like meals and dinners cooked and laundry cleaned.  I don't have any of that nor do I expect it. 

When my brothers were at home, she charged them nothing and did everything for them.  Then struggled with her decision to baby her sons well into adulthood.

I don't know what personality disorder she has if any. Maybe some people online might call bad mother's like this narcissism but I don't think it's that.  Narcissism is an intense liking for oneself.  I would view it more as a hate or a dislike towards women.  Even though she doesn't generally hate women.

In my 30s I thought about this and my youth. I began to think deeper as to why.
When she married she took on traditional role with my father.  My father worked and she stayed at home.  Within 13 years of their marriage and I was about 10 or 11, that marriage was going south. My father was an alcohic and he was abusive to her.

During my 30s I thought deeper and I saw that she relied on my older brothers to provide security at home (against my father) and for DIY jobs around the home so she was happy to give them a free life and care for them well I to their adulthood. She grew up in a Catholic country where men and women were treated differently and she believed men were useless.  That's the only thing I can think of.

She mellowed for a few years towards me.

But now she is back to her usual self.

She's not demanding foromey out of me.  She goes into silent treatment mode to me regularly . The silence from her is unreal.  There's no speech or conversation for her.  Sometimes there can be.  Then other times she's ok. 
Currently I am the only one at home. I live in a country where accommodation is limited and expensive.  I don't take advantage of living at home.  This is becoming harder and harder. 

I went to bed last night sick and sore and not feeling well.  She knew that and I told her that.  When I got up this morning, I got a 'good morning' from her but that was it.  There was no speech or conversation from her.  When she did talk to me it was a question - 'did you hear from anyone?' meaning did I hear from any of my brothers abroad. She couldn't even ask me how I was.  Her focus was still on all of my brothers.  It really smacked it all home to me this morning.  How little she cares for me. She tolerates me and she's happy to use me at times too because she is computer illeriate but that is it. 

[RainbowGirl]

Something else that I thought about.  When my brothers were at home and anytime they cut the grass. She would pay them for the work that they did on cutting the grass.

This summer I worked at cutting the grass and she never even so much as even thanked me.  I wasn't looking for a payment for cutting the grass.  An acknowledgement of the work I did would have been nice. 

Also, whenever my brothers cut the grass, she would jump in and help.  They would cut the grass and she would join and help them by raking the grass.

This summer I was left to do it all myself - cut the grass and rake it myself. Yet, if I was a man her son cutting the grass, she would be outside spending time with the rake.

It's just something else I noticed.

[RainbowGirl]

I can remember another incident.  I think it was summer of 2012.  There was a festival on in the city.  It was a week long event jam packed filled with many concerts (free concerts) and other activities. 

I can remember there was some music on during the week that I was interested in.   I think there were three gigs that I was interested in on three separate nights.  Two of my brothers had their own interests from the festival but the week was spent going in and out from the festival. 

There was even some events that I wrote off because I had work to attend to and I missed some things.

I can remember an incident at some stage during that week where my mother exploded in anger to me because I wanted to go into the festival.  I wasn't dressing inapproiaotely or getting drunk.  She just exploded in anger and rage at me. Two of my brothers were going in and out to the festival all week too but she never exploded in anger to them.  Just me.  I was her trigger.   But there was a difference too.  There were late night buses for the week from the festival and I would aim to be on a late night bus home. My brothers would stay on late in town to get drunk and get taxis home.  All her anger was for me who was coming home sober and not for my brothers who were coming home drunk. 

There has been many incidents from my mother throughout my youth and into my adulthood. 

She's hates me because I am not male. She's tolerates me but that is it. Even though I never did anything to deserve this.  I always helped at home.

I am finding life difficult right now.  I work hard but I can't afford to live elsewhere. 

[Leonor]

Hi Rainbow Girl,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation with a mother who is hostile and resentful towards you and makes you feel inferior to your brothers.

However, you are now at least in your 30s. That means that you are responsible for your own housing, health and happiness.

It sucks, but your mom isn't going to change. Your brothers aren't going to change. And as long as you stay in her home and in relationship to her and your brothers, you are re-traumatizing yourself.

Furthermore, and this sucks even more, your mother is in her rights to charge you rent, give your brothers money for whatever reason, and not like people coming and going from her house at the hours she prefers. Because it's her house.

So Rainbow, you've made it this far. It's time for you to find your Somewhere. Share a flat. Rent a room. Get a second job. Whatever it takes, no matter how much it takes, because you can do this, and you deserve a home and life that is peaceful and joyful, just for you.

It's up to you.

[xredshoesx]

i am so sorry you are dealing with this.

the months i lived with my biological mother as a teen between 16.5 -18, and then again as a young adult 20-22 showed me similar behaviors with my mother (and her mother who we both lived with).  i feel like my biological mother saw me as competition and therefore made things harder for me by either trying to make me miserable all the time or sabotaging my efforts in any/every possible way. 

for me the only way to 'win' was to go completely NC and no longer play the game.  i feel like it was the last resort the best chance i had to become a fully fledged, emotionally healthy adult.  it hasn't been easy (it's been about 30 years since i decided i was done) but the struggle has been worth it to not be constantly immersed in the CHAOS of my mother.

[countrygirl]

Hi Rainbow Girl,

It is really good that you see your mom is harder on you because you're a woman.  I would bet that your mother wasn't treated well because she was a girl.  I know this was true in my mother's family, and she and her sisters were all very difficult mothers, but their brother was an easygoing parent, because he'd been the "little prince" in their FOO. 

It is a very painful and unfair situation.  But at least you can see what's going on, and know it has nothing to do with you in particular.  She would have treated any daughter she has this way. 

I agree that she may well not have a personality disorder.  But she is definitely prejudiced against women.   It would be better if you could find another place to live, as has been suggested, but I know that this is very difficult in these times of out-of-sight rent.   But perhaps finding a place to share, maybe with a couple of other people, would be possible?  It is not good to have to live with someone who is prejudiced against you. 

[Maxtrem]

Hello Rainbowgirl,
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm not in a position to say whether your mother has a PD, but if she does, it may be narcissistic projection rather than misogyny.
I've read that children of the same sex as the parent with a DP are more likely to be victims of their parent's narcissistic projection than other siblings. Projection is a PD defense mechanism by which a person attributes his or her own feelings, emotions and shortcomings to someone else.

[Lalitha]

Hello rainbowgirl. I was the scapegoat in my FOO and much of it was rooted in sexism. To be honest, whether your mother is narcissistic, PD or just plain misogynistic doesn't change the fact that her behaviour to you is unacceptable. It took me years to extract myself from my FOO, they tried to keep me tethered with offers of 'help' (always with strings attached) loans (I once made the mistake of accepting a loan from NPD-M, she suddenly needed the money back to GIVE to my brother) but little by little I got free. You are an adult and as far as I know, you've only got one life. Don't waste it on people who treat you badly, you deserve more than this. If you haven't heard of the 51% rule, look it up. Sorry you're in this situation. I was in a similar place to you, I'm now NC in my 40's and getting to a much better place, it sounds like moving out may not be possible for you yet but are there steps you could take to make moving out possible in 2, 5, 10 years? Little by little, it doesn't have to all be done at once. Make a plan.
Also look up 'medium chill', whilst you're stuck with her behaviour there are strategies to help you stay sane.

[RainbowGirl]

I remember I always enjoyed helping at home.  Even when I was very young and in my early adulthood.   

Within the past decade - I used to spend a small fortune printing pictures from my brothers who live abroad.   One of my brothers has his own family and I would print pictures and it would be pricey. 

From about 2019,
My mother had many attacks on me. 
She never appreciated me.
The stuff I did to help too at home.  She never appreciated me. 

My mother can't even use a smart phone or internet.  I was the only link at home for her to see pictures from abroad. 

She just had one too many goes and outbursts and rages at me, no more.  I never told her but he'll will freeze over if I ever print another picture for her to look at.