I've been thinking a lot

[Jsinjin]

I always wonder why and Ina this case it was a question about me.   This is not something I'll share with my friends because it's mine and this is anonymous.   I wondered why I've stayed.   Why did I take this so long and when I look really really deep at why I realized:   I've never been the one to leave anyone.   I never left any girlfriend, I never once broke up with anyone.   That's all fine but in my life with her she has been the one person who has never slammed a door and said they have boundaries for me or they can't talk to me right now or they want nothing to do with me.    I realize that's no reason to stay with someone who treats me indifferently or in a mean way but I know that she, for all of her faults, has never said "enough".   That's probably significant co deoendency.    But at least now i know what to talk to my counselor about.

[mdana]

My PDexh and I did a dance off/on for 24+ years.  We would break up, only to get back together (we actually divorced, then re-married, then divorced again)... ughghgh!   

We both seemed to have issues with boundaries and co-dependence (although for completely different reasons).  I'm pretty clear about the underlying reasons why I stayed so long and kept going back (it mostly had to do with unresolved issues from my childhood/past and wanting so desperately to "belong" to a family unit...to feel "loved"). Ultimately, I was able to leave and move forward with my own life (and growth). 

I could not have done it without a therapist (counselor). 

All the best to you....You are not alone!

M

[Whiteheron]

I had it in my head that I was lucky to have anyone at all. He was much better than my first serious relationship...and since I didn't have a good model of what a healthy relationship was, I thought this was the norm.  If I didn't like it/wasn't happy with it, well then too bad. That's just the way it was. That's all I knew. If I wasn't happy, I assumed the problem was me.

It took the comment section for an article in the NYT to open up my eyes as to what I was going on.

What really gets me - I knew, I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off, even back when we were dating. But I denied it. I repressed any feelings, my intuition, everything. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him and making him cry. He needed me so much. It was all about him. Making him feel loved and comfortable and cared for. Maybe I needed to be needed at the time? Is that co-dependency? Maybe I was the one who needed to be loved and comfortable and cared for and I assumed if I threw everything into doing this for him, he would do it for me? I definitely know my self esteem was so low back then that I felt I was lucky a man like him (driven, confident, good looking, successful, funny) even glanced my way. I told myself I would never do any better than him.

stbx never said "enough" either. He pushed and pushed, further and further with each passing year. I took it until I almost broke. I think his expectation was that I would always be able to take it. I'm not really sure.

You are definitely not alone.