Why do PD parents turn into clingy people (&stalkers) after NC?

[MarlenaEve]

Hi guys.

I was thinking for a while how would it be if my own adult child (daughter) would go NC with me. I don't have kids but I was trying to get into the head of a PD person to understand the reason they are so averse to their kids going NC. What is it about this decision that makes them: angry, insane, clingy as hell, stalkers (my mother stalked me on Facebook while in NC and haunted down my aunt and forced her to give away private info about me-I'm NC with that aunt), neurotic and as if something dangerous has come upon them?

So, if a kid of mine would decide that he or she wants to not talk to me for a while, I would probably think it is something to do with our relationship and that it does not work for her. I'd think I was maybe too tough on her and she wants space and independence. And, because I'd love her the way she is, I'd think this needed NC act is a decision that will heal her or strengthen her character. And I'd like her to become strong and independent.
And if that helps, why not?

I'd probably mind my own life, be with my husband and try to live happily the best I can. If she comes back to me, then I'll be happy if she doesn't I'd think she's happy alone and that will hurt, yes but I'd understand.

Maybe I don't get the fact that I never was a mother but I'd truly let my kid take any decision in life as long as it helps her/him and it safe to them.
In the larger sense, this kid doesn't belong to me, he/she is independent of who I am and has a life that's completely different than mine.

PDs are different because they'll never stop being clingy and obsessed with why you have rejected them.
Any thoughts on why PDs react so badly or turn into stalkers after you go NC?

[moglow]

PDs are different because they'll never stop being clingy and obsessed with why you have rejected them.
Any thoughts on why PDs react so badly or turn into stalkers after you go NC?

This is one of those generalizations we warn against - not all parents turn into anything of the sort. although I realize many do. Mine along with a few others discussed here, are ignoring dismissive and if not outright uncaring parents. There's no interest when "together" and certainly none when we step away, whether short or long term. It appears a game of sort to my mother, one to which only she knows the rules. I get the feeling there's a sort of complacency, that she's proven me wrong in some way and feels justified in herself.

To your question though, I suspect it has to do with control - the chase is on when they realize that loss of control, when you stray too far from the fold. There's no real independence as we see it, but rather an extension of them.

[TwentyTwenty]

One reason, is that as a child you were their property, and they owned you.

They could thrash you with a belt or whatever object was at hand, or cut a branch from the end of a low hanging limb of a tree and whip you to feed their euphoria of dominance over your life, and you had no recourse.

As an adult, they can't recognize that they no longer have no authority over you, they cling to the 'truth' that you belong to them still.

You're like a drug to an addict, and they need to have their fix. So it is just their right as your owing parent to make you do what they say, after all, in their eyes you are still their child that must obey them. For your own food, of course.

[TwentyTwenty]

For your own good (not food-typo  ), of course.

[DistanceNotDefense]

My dysfunctional family (some of them very likely uPD) were stalking me on social right BEFORE I went NC. It was one of the many tiny little pushes that eventually finally got me over the edge.

I told my narcissistic mother, please don't visit me, I don't want you here knowing how much you smeared me. I was very upset.

A few days before I told her that, I had compulsively deactivated my social media for half an hour, changed my mind, reactivated it.

They found out somehow in that tiny thirty minute window and told the whole family immediately.

Then when I said "No" to a visit, instead of her addressing their gossip/smearing and how to make amends after I confronted her, my M only said, "I wanted to talk to you about why you unfriended the whole family?"

I couldn't believe the stalker/spying behavior, and the use of that voyeurism as some sort of fodder to completely delegitimize my stance. As if deactivating (NOT unfriending) was somehow worse than walking around talking about your SIL falsely being a wifebeater (and like the stalker behavior was not a concerning factor either).

Creepy.

I definitely blocked them all the next day as much as possible. I think now their attempts to stalk me are through friends and inlaws to ask them for info about me and my DH. I wish them the best of luck carrying on with that without seeming really crazy to everyone.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think it makes sense if you think about how people with NPD and BPD are deeply insecure and most of them fear abandonment. It figures that NC and even LC would trigger that fear and set off all of the defense mechanisms that go along with it.

Of course, it makes sense for a child to fear abandonment by a parent (which is probably what they're acting out). It's completely backward for a parent to fear abandonment by a child. This is probably why they often struggle with the various stages of development where their children become more and more independent. And NC is the ultimate form of independence from a parent.

[daughter]

Because, to paraphrase my NF and NBM, they believe "we can say and do whatever we want, because we're your parents, so you better just accept it!!"  It's their sense of entitlement and control, and our willingness to obey and tolerate it. Eventually, some us choose to be NC, because we're out of alternate viable options, and they rage in response, bewildered because we no longer "just take it", meaning no longer enable their bad behavior with stoic fortitude.  My parents expressed no remorse in past 8 years of NC, just supposed shock and bafflement that I would "choose to abandon them" in my effort to finally exert some self-protection and solace for myself.

[PattyIce]

it's interesting because I had the same thoughts as you. I tried to reverse-engineer it and think about what I would do if I had a child that stopped talking to me.  I also thought that I would have figured out it was either something I had done or maybe just a phase my child had to go through. But I would never ever considered stalking or other stuff like that.

I went no contact many years ago, and I also suffered a lot of harassment and stalking.  the craziest example was when my bio dad snuck into my job to give me a letter inviting me to my brother's wedding, after I hadn't talked into them in almost half a decade. like someone else had mentioned, they don't see us as individuals, they see us as like an extension of one of their limbs. Very disgusting and disturbing.like someone else had mentioned, they don't see us as individuals, they see us as like an extension of one of their limbs. Very disgusting and disturbing.

[MarlenaEve]

Yeah, it is very disgusting and disturbing, the whole explanation on how PD parents see us-it really makes me sick.  That is why NC is so challenging to me (and I assume to so many here)