Looking for tips for "adult child is visiting and ex-h isn't participating"

[Poison Ivy]

My adult children live out of state.  They visit "home" (defined as me and the house where they grew up) a few times per year, if they can. My ex-husband, their dad, is his parents' full-time caregiver in a city 150 miles away.  It is challenging but not impossible for him to get a substitute, so he can take a break when a child is visiting and come here to see the child.  It is also possible for the child to go see him. If the child does so, the child will need to use my car or take public transportation. My ex states often that he can help with expenses such as this but it is hard to pin him down. I also would like him to pitch in with dollars or time to get the child from and to the airport.

1) Any tips for encouraging ex to pitch in?

2) Any tips for minimizing my sadness and anger about the likely results, that he will not pitch in with dollars or time and, whether or not he pitches in, won't see his child?

Thank you.

[SerenityCat]

One option is to not engage with your ex about this.

Your children are adults. They can negotiate visits with their father, or not.

If your children want to visit, they can arrange that with their father. Then, if they need to use your car or take public transport, and they need funds for this, they can talk with you directly and ask if you can help them out. Or they can get funds from their father.

This way everyone can stay out of unhealthy triangulation. Everyone can do direct communication.

By staying out of this situation concerning your kids you may feel lessened sadness and anger. You'll have a chance to move on.

My son is now an adult. His father, my ex, never developed a relationship with him though he had ample opportunities. Even now my ex is flaky and ignoring of our son. I tried to teach my ex to be different, nothing worked, and I had to stop for my own well being.

I've been sad and angry about this, now I feel calmer and more philosophical. My ex is missing out on a relationship with our wonderful son. His loss.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, SerenityCat.  I'm sorry you're in a similar situation but I appreciate you sharing your wisdom and better coping skills with me!

[athene1399]

If you don't like talking with him, then just suggest the kids talk to him about the visit. Suggest to your kids that they could contact their dad to plan a visit, but then leave it between them. If they need money to visit dad, that's also between him and your kids.

If you don't mind talking to your ex, you could always shoot him a text saying "kids are visiting from xdate to ydate if you want to reach out to them to plan a visit" and then leave it at that. If he doesn't reach out to them, it's not your problem. If you don't like talking with him, then just leave it at suggest the kids talk to him about the visit.

I don't think there's really any way for you to get money from him for their visit, even if he does see them. We can't even get BPDbm to pay for what the court orders her to pay. If you want you can ask, but I personally wouldn't ask him to help pay for their transportation to the home state unless he is seeing them, and even then he may not pitch in. Sometimes SO and I discuss if we think it's worth it to ask BM. Sometimes we have to listen to her complain about why she doesn't have money, or it turns into a competition about who spent more money (and she's always buying stuff that isn't needed or doesn't pertain to what we are even asking). I guess the best phrasing could be "if you can afford it, could you please help me pay airfare for the kids to come in for a visit?" I don't know your ex, but I wouldn't plan on him chipping in for anything. And depending on his personality, he may respond with the "how dare you ask me when I already do x, y, and z for them" (even if he really doesn't, he probably thinks he does a lot). But you would know your ex best.

So the other option (which I have a love-hate relationship with ) is to radically accept that he probably won't ever help pay for them to visit and that's just the way things are. Sometimes I hate that radical acceptance is the only way to feel good about something, but it does help. And you can also radially accept that you can't force him to see his own kids. The best you can do is suggest they see each other, and then it's out of your hands.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you.  I do feel comfortable communicating to my ex but he rarely responds. 

I am reasonably well adjusted to my ex's withdrawal and the divorce and my ex's poor relationship with our children when they're off living their adult lives out of state.  But the pain resumes when they come for visits.  I will focus on radical acceptance.

[athene1399]

Honestly, the situation does suck and you're allowed to be upset about it. I frequently go between being upset and radical acceptance. It sucks when you want the kids to have a better relationship with the PD parent, but there's only so much you can do. Just focus on what a good parent you are to them. And they may not see dad, but they get to see you when they visit.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks again for the comments and suggestions and, even more, for this site existing.  It helps me to know that I can come here to talk about things and other people will understand.  Few do in my "offline" life.

[Poison Ivy]

Update:  I decided to try calling my ex and on the second attempt, today, he actually picked up and we had a good conversation.  He said he will try to arrange things so that he can see our child during the child's visit at the end of the month.  I feel better because of his willingness to talk and I am happy about his statement that he'll try to see our child.

[athene1399]

I'm glad to hear that. And even if he doesn't follow through with the plan, you did your best to makes sure he knows the kids will be in town and encouraged him to make plans.