Nightmares after half a year no contact

[trashbird]

I have been no contact with my mom for 6 months now. She's made minimal attempts to contact me and I've had total silence from her since Christmas. I've been going to therapy and feel like I have a bit of a handle on things surrounding the emotional and psychological trauma my mom put me through... but I keep having these "nightmares". They usually take place in places that are familiar from my childhood & are always some variation of a fight with my mom, crying, screaming, throwing things. Has anyone else had nightmares like this? I wake up so panicked, it's awful.
I've made a lot of progress on myself since going no contact but lately I feel like I've hit a bit of a wall. I'm not sure if I should break no contact to get some closure.

[truthseeker4life]

Yes I still have "confrontation" nightmares from time to time. I have been ELC for 3 years.

It seems I can never get my pd mom (who has made no real attempt to reach out to me either) out of my head - either I'm ruminating during the day or having the occasional nightmare at night.  I guess this is what unresolved conflict can do.

For me i think it all stems from feeling utterly abandoned by my mom (and now almost entire FoO) for standing up against her behaviors. I think if you have a pd parent and are challenging the family myth of a good parent and family there is heck to pay!

Good luck to you. It is not an easy road to travel but you are not alone here. This site is full of truth tellers who said no more!

[Starboard Song]

I've made a lot of progress on myself since going no contact but lately I feel like I've hit a bit of a wall. I'm not sure if I should break no contact to get some closure.

It really does depend. I think sometimes a crisis makes us go NC precipitously: not wrongly, but in great haste. And that can leave us with unresolved conflict and doubts. I wondered: were we the crazy one? was this all a huge misunderstanding? could I have patiently coached them through their bad behavior?

If you are plagued with doubts of that sort, then a carefully curated interaction could indeed give resolution.

But for most of us, we know what would happen, and it would look a lot like my last conversation with my FIL. He lied to me: flatly lied, and denied it when caught. He talked in circles. He gaslighted. He was like a World Wrestling Federal referee when reviewing the behavior of his wife, and like an Olympics diving judge when reviewing the performance of me and my wife. I spent two hours and 40 minutes with him and got no resolution at all.

So I'd suggest you reflect on your last conversations with your mother: were those healthy enough to now hope for resolution? How do you think she'd behave during an interview? I often think ELC is a healthier place to be than NC if it can be sustainably achieved with decent, strong boundaries: it relieves all sorts of moral and social pressures, and reduces the hoovering and gaslighting.

But we couldn't achieve that and maybe it isn't in the cards for you either.

Good luck on this journey. Three years down the road, dreams about them are less and less frequent and less and less upsetting. We spend way less time ruminating, but can still be triggered. You can do this, but please do take this time to do what you are doing, exploring with questions that get at the fundamental question: Which road is safely yours, rightly for you?

[JustKat]

I've had nightmares most of my adult life, both before and after going NC. They seem to come and go. Often I have long periods without one, then they'll return without warning. I imagine something must be triggering them, but I have no idea what that might be. Like you, the nightmares always involve something from my childhood. They're often events that didn't even happen, but the nightmare itself boils down to Nmother doing something traumatic to me as a young child. For the longest time I had nightmares of her locking me in a closet, something she never did, but it still represented her cruelty and my fear of her.

This isn't for everyone, but my psychiatrist gave me some Ambien to use when I have a flare-up of nightmares. There's something in the drug that prevents dreams from occurring. I don't use it otherwise, but keep some on hand just in case. Other medications, and even foods can actually stimulate dreams. If you have a good psychiatrist it may be worth having a talk with him or her about it.

I'm not a professional, but I really don't believe breaking NC will stop them. We've had a lot of trauma in our lives, so nightmares are to be expected. My Nmother died five years ago following about eight years of NC. She's gone and I still have nightmares, though they're fewer in frequency than they once were. Hang in there. I think you'll find that yours will also subside after a while. Nightmares like these can be terrifying so I really hope yours pass soon.

Good luck to you.

[Kiki81]

I stopped having dreams about my Narents about 2 years in, I think, with total NC. It's a relief and I feel it's my 'reward' for hanging in there with NC.

Everyone is different. For me, I couldn't get well until I put a halt to the poison.

I hope you get relief really soon. Maybe do a little reading online about sleep hygiene? To improve the odds.

[newme_whodis]

I had these too, just like you described, and I think this is totally normal given history with a PD parent. Mine would get worse when I was reminded of my mother or generally anxious. Try making a dream journal so you can track when/how often they occur, and whether they happen after a stressful day or not. Mindfulness techniques and confronting her in my dream helped these lessen in frequency and intensity. When you repeatedly tell her to leave you alone in the dream, it may take some time but I think it may make a difference... she leaves me alone now. Good luck!

[betta fish]

Hi,

I've also had those kinds of nightmares and reading your email has reminded me that my therapist helped me through those images.  We did a kind of guided visualisation where I had to see and experience my mother yelling at me at a very young age, basically a rant blaming a 6 year old me for all the wrongs in her life.  The pattern repeated itself many many times in my life.  Her yelling and screaming, calling me every name in the book.  I eventually learned that her satisfaction came when I cried, to her my crying vindicated HER emotional havoc since crying meant I admitted my guilt. My tears liberated her from any wrong doing.  As I got older I refused to cry in front of her, so the screaming got worst and would  often her fits would occur several times over the next 2 or 3 days. 

To get back to how I stopped obsessing and reliving these nightmares, my therapist asked me to describe in detail the yelling.  She guided me and asked me what I was feeling as a young child being yelled at, what I would like to say to my mother, to my six year old self.  I reconnected with the young me, I cried and cried for my younger self.  I wanted to grab her and take her away.  It was so helpful reconnecting with myself, the part of me that was detached from me, the abused self. I confronted many feelings of sadness of fear and rejection.  The part of me I stuffed deep down and never really took the time connect with, because it was my coping method.  The part that allowed me that brushed off the verbal and psychological abuse and allow me to keep going with my day as if nothing bad had happened. It was not easy.


I don't know what these nightmares are for you. Maybe unresolved issues are pushing to the surface and need attention.  I hope this helps my experience helps you find a way to peace.