Shadow work: I am a liar.

[TooLiteral]

I figured that I would share this epiphone with everyone here because I think it is TERRIBLY relevant. While talking things through with my therapist, we came to this conclusion and a very heavy burden of guilt lifted off of my back. It opens a whole new can of worms, but in a good way. 😊

I lie to my NPDh. Alot. I keep things from him, fabricate stories to explain why I didnt do something or other. Sometimes I lie about things I dont need to lie about. I did so because I was afraid of telling the truth. Here's an example: I have a letter from the IRS in my hand. It's an audit. They say we owe $20k. I havent told him. Because I know he will scream and throw things and blame me and threaten to kill himself. Why should I be truthful if I know this will happen?

I also started smoking again. I know I know. Bad for me. I sneak around like I did when I was 12, trying to hide it from my parents. Why? Same reason.

I feel guilt because it's wrong to lie. Lying to your spouse is even worse. But when I was talking to my therapist somehow we came around to the idea that it was me trying to exercise body autonomy in any little way I could. I have no control over my life except in these little ways. If I tell him about the audit, his fits of rage affect me and our child. If I don't, they don't. I AM IN CONTROL. Not him. Same with the smoking. Same with all of the little lies I've told. I was in awe of this revelation. That's why I dyed my hair pink last year. Totally on impulse and against his wishes; I am my own person.

Now obviously there is a better way to exercise body autonomy than lying, but the realization was that in the absence of leaving, my body and mind are trying to separate from this man on their own. ❤

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sounds like adolescent rebellion. Pink hair is relatively harmless. Smoking not so much. But less harmful than accepting your H's control.

I wouldn't tell about the audit either in your situation. Sounds like a losing proposition, and you'd just have to cope with the audit alone anyway and his behavior.

[SparkStillLit]

Huh. I lie on the reg. Usually about stuff like, contàct with YA. She is LC with him. He asks me daily if I've had contact with her. I'll say if I have, but I won't say the extent of it and certainly not the contents (which say if I said we texted, he would want to know the contents). I figure, what's the point of LC if I'm just the go between?  Plus he'll get all ragey if he doesn't like the contents and who needs that baloney.
If there is car repair, IRS-y type stuff, utility related things, anything I can take care of on my own, I hide it and deal with it. Otherwise there will be raised voices, flipping out, carry on that gets no one anywhere but hotted up.
So sure. I guess I'm a liar. Oh well. In any and all other dealings I strive for honesty and transparency.
Oh by the way? You ROCK that pink hair! I used to do mine traffic cone orange, lava, fake flame red, magenta, and purple (not all at once). At first he liked it, but when it garnered me all this positive attention, he HATED it and told me I looked like an old lady. I no longer have the funds to support that level of amazingness, but you rock their socks off!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Pink hair is not relatively harmless, it is completely harmless. My bad.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Too literal,

A therapist once said... 'its okay to lie to protect yourself'. Screaming and throwing things is violence. I think protecting yourself from that is okay.

It's an audit. They say we owe $20k. I havent told him. Because I know he will scream and throw things and blame me and threaten to kill himself. Why should I be truthful if I know this will happen?

On the other hand, I imagine you want to fulfil your responsibilities to the tax department. First off, maybe it's time to think through / to talk to a T about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone violent. If you got away you could fire him an email re: the IRS and calmly sit back with a cup of coffee and enjoy not having to deal with a tantrum!

Is the smoking about relieving stress? Maybe also about feeling in control / rebelling? Could you swap it for running? Dying your hair pink sounds like a good form of rebellion!

The actual impulse - wanting to protect yourself, wanting autonomy, wanting to rebel from tyrants isn't bad. Maybe just try to steer them in a healthy direction ☺️👍

So to recap... no ... I don't actually think it's wrong to protect yourself by lying sometimes if it's about safety... Your shadow self is protecting you.

[1footouttadefog]

We got an audit letter like that years back.  It was because a form had not been filled out correctly and the IRS calculated the worst case senario as the missing info.

Called our CPA and they explained what it likely was and likely simply submitting the needed data would be all that was needed.  We contacted the auditer told her what the CPA said, and she indicated it would all be over quickly. (She is familiar with the firm who we use)  it was indeed over soon.

But PDH made a huge deal even after the CPA explained the issue.  Acted like he was so important the IRS was after him personally or something and like it would be a lifelong battle.  He seemed so disappointed and glad at the same time to have it all over. 

[Boat Babe]

PDs put us in impossible situations. The double bind. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So we lie in order to protect ourselves on a daily basis, often feeling really uncomfortable about it. When I was a young, parentified child, I would have to manage my mother's emotional mess by reassuring her with lies. I absolutely HATED it.
Best thing we can do in these situations is to refrain from judging ourselves and adding to our negative self talk.

[SonofThunder]

TooLiteral,
I now enjoy an occasional cigar and pipe and my uPDw hates it.  Why do i? Because i enjoy it, because i can, because i get 100% left alone during 😆.  I also know i have the option to NOT get the mail, so therefore if I DO get the mail, i have the option to be silent about something that had my name in the address line and it is my area of responsibility.  Sorry for the audit, ive bern through them before.  Like Cordelia said "less harmful than accepting control".  Anxiety is the cause of many a physical ailment. 

SoT.

[TooLiteral]

Sounds like adolescent rebellion. Pink hair is relatively harmless. Smoking not so much. But less harmful than accepting your H's control.

What's really interesting is that my therapist believes that my father was NPD. This is an adolescent reaction to a problem I have tried to solve since adolescence.... All of this is being uprooted and I'm being made to actually deal with it instead of having these little spurts of rebellion.

[TooLiteral]

PDs put us in impossible situations. The double bind. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So we lie in order to protect ourselves on a daily basis, often feeling really uncomfortable about it. When I was a young, parentified child, I would have to manage my mother's emotional mess by reassuring her with lies. I absolutely HATED it.
Best thing we can do in these situations is to refrain from judging ourselves and adding to our negative self talk.

Thank you. I think I needed to hear this. My T thinks my dad was NPD and that's why I am stuck on these kindof young forms of body autonomy exertion (there are other issues for me about body autonomy, but I'm not diving into those.) Judging myself is very hard right now. I am executing my plan to leave. I'm writing this from a hotel room. Thank you for the reassurance.

[Hepatica]

TooLiteral,

Good for you for that bravery and self-care. I am wishing you well from a far. Keep safe and if you in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, do not tell the abuser where you are. Make a safe, escape plan. And if I am totally off here, I apologize and speak to those of you who are leaving a relationship with someone abusive. Do not tell them anything.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Too literal,

Awesome 😎👍 Congratulations on your escape and new found freedom!

I do think shadow work is awesome and particularly important for those of us that grew up around PD's, where we had to repress our healthy self defence/self protection parts.

Questing whether the rigid and often hypocritical rules that PDs plonk on us (lying is always bad - when they want to know something). Is it? What if it's protecting a vulnerable person? It's okay to protect yourself and I'm glad you did this 

[Hepatica]

I agree. Lying is relative. If the people who hid Jewish people during the Holocaust had not lied, more people would have died.

Of course if you lie only to gain something then that's a lack of integrity.

It just depends on why you do it and when I've had to lie, (ie. to get out of toxic FOO get togethers) I do a lot of soul searching before I do it.

[Oscen]

Wow, I need a therapist!