Revelations From the Couch

[JustKeepTrying]

I am a week out of surgery.  Incision reaches from my knee to my lower back.  It only adds to the scars from two previous surgeries and the weird deformity left by the cancer surgeries.  All in all I will have the look of a shark attack survivor.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I have been moving through so many emotions this past week.  More than recovering from the surgery itself.  Last surgery I was in a nursing home for a month after and then right into the first lockdown.  I then hid for close to two years only venturing out like camping where I knew I would be safe.  I have only one lung from the metastasized cancer.   I see very few people and I am careful.  Very very careful. 

All that being said, my xOCPDh lives in my mind even though it has been 2.5 years since I left him and two years since the divorce was final.  I know logically the joint ownership of the house and it only just selling last Nov is part of his still being present in my life.  I also know that we were together for 34 years.  That's a long time to live in the FOG.

Part of this is also my age, society at the time, religion, parents and family, so many reasons and excuses for putting up with the abuse.  For not putting myself first.

That was this morning revelations.  I know that I have danced around it and written about it but this morning it made it's way into my conscious and actionable life.  You know that you read, hear and see things aproximately 11 times before you really understand?  This morning I wokeup and I fully understood what it was like to act for oneself.  To be wholly independent and only care for myself.  What I wanted and needed.  Yes I camped for six weeks on my own ( on a still broken leg no less) but I was still selling the house; still fielding calls from my x and still dealing my youngest starting college.  So this is the first time, in my life, that it has been my own.  Free of parental guilt or expectation.  Free from eggshells or spousal needs or expectations.  Free from arbitrary rules and an ever-changing landscape based on one's persons whims dressed with reason but not reality. 

Part of me wants to tell all of you that there is more on the other side.  Go now run don't walk it's beautiful here!

But I know how hard it is to leave and there were good valid reasons to stay as well as wrong reasons.  It's hard.  Really hard.

I also know I needed to grow up. I needed to understand that emotions are valid; my emotions are valid and I am valid.  I was raised to be a man's arm candy; homemaker with a degree and plastic smile.  It took me 56 years to realize that is not me.  Never was me.  Inside there was always a woman screaming "NO".

I don't have to scream anymore.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the update, JustKeepTrying. I wish you a quick and relatively low-pain recovery. (Not that I want you to have any pain, but some is probably par for the course, right?)

[pianissimo]

I wish you a quick recovery JustKeepTrying.

The shark attack story sounds like a great one.

[SonofThunder]

I wish you a quick recovery JustKeepTrying.

The shark attack story sounds like a great one.

   


Thanks also for the encouraging, optimistic viewpoint from the other side.  Continuing thoughts and prayers for comfort and more positive revelations. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

 Thank you for your post, so much in it that I strongly relate to.  Food for thought, thank you.  I am pretty much the same age as you and relate to the bringing brought up as arm candy thing.  I was screaming inside too. 

Wishing you a full and speedy recovery.

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you made it through surgery.  Can't wait to read that you are camping again. 

Progress.  I am sure it's painful, but you are getting there.  Such an overwhelming collections of challenges.  Moving, waiting and now the surgery and recovery.  Time has flown by from my vantage. 

Glad you are making it.  What a good example you set.

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you everyone for your support.  It means a great deal to me.

I am slowly gaining strength and my pain is ok.  PT is working with me and I'm on 50% for another four weeks.  It will be about four months before I know if it works but the docs are hopeful so I choose to be as well.

You know that time of night when you are just hovering between awake and sleep?  That time when all the memories or anxious thoughts intrude?  Well, this past few nights I have had more memories pop up from my marriage.  Parts of my life that I had to push far back so that I could care for my kids and xOCPDh.  I had a pretty big job twenty years ago.  Big fish/medium pond.  It came with those annual conventions in beautiful places.  Lots of bling and perks.  Lots of networking and powerful people.  Shit pay but great perks.  My x pushed every year for him and the kids to accompany me on those vacations.  Every meal and networking event he would be there and I just couldn't ever be on my own.  He sold it as we couldn't afford to take a trip like that otherwise.  But looking back I realize now he was jealous/controlling and he used it to make me feel very guilty.  He also made it incredibly hard to advance and actually sabotaged my career.  All packaged in pretty it's better for us this way.

I have lived with that guilt for decades.  Guilt for being a working mom and our vacation is a trip to palm springs on pennies.  I let him really mess with me.  But now I am beginning to realize that I was a badass.  I broke real glass ceilings and damn I won't allow him to take any more of my dignity and self. 

Anyway, thank you again for your incredible support.

[Free2Bme]

i love you JKT 

[JustKeepTrying]

I love you too free2bme!

[Stillirise]

JKT, I think you're still very much a badass!  You continue to inspire me!  I'm sitting here doing my own introspections, and you've given me some new facets to examine in myself.

Wishing you all the best in your healing, physically, and otherwise!