Post Revelations

[JustKeepTrying]

It's been two years since the divorce was finalized yet we didn't sell the house until a month ago so I was tied to him with all the ups and downs that come with it.

Now that the last tie is severed, and no need to communicate with him daily, I am truly on my own for the first time in my life.  56 years old and starting new.

But with it have come to some rather startling reservations.  I have tried these past two years to allow myself to feel.  I work on identifying those feelings and what drives them.  And is that realistic.  In the past day, I had two revelations stemming from more than 30 years of abuse.

First, one fear is that I would be on my own and not allow myself to go out and meet people.  This is definitely the me from before my ex.  So why would I hunker down in my house and now apartment with fear of going out.  Putting aside the obvious covid of it all, I think it's a fear of having to report to my ex every conversation I had in my life.  He would get so angry if I didn't tell him everything.  He said he needed to know so he would be ready when he met them.  It was so bad I started to stay in more and more when in the end, I barely went onto my own porch.  I dropped acquaintances and became very hermit-like.  So I worried what would happen if I moved to a new city or started a new adventure, would I talk to people?  Or would I become a hermit and just live inside binging tv until I died.  (yes, these are the thoughts I had).  But I think I need to push myself and realize that I don't have to report the conversation.  I don't have to worry about embarrassing him (his words) or did I tell him everything.   So (in my mind I'm flipping him off) s&^k it ex.

Second, I have some legitimate health concerns.  Since my six-week camping trip my health has deteriorated to the point that I am in a wheelchair and unable to walk.  I have had several appts set up with doctors but a few have said they don't want to see me. So I am seeing my original surgeon and hopefully he will have a solution.  I don't want to live like this in constant pain and scared of my future.  But I had another realization, my ex was there through all the original issues (cancer, radiation, chemo) and while he was worried it didn't translate to anything helpful.  It was like "I should look like I'm worried but I'm not really going to do anything helpful or if I do it will be in front of others not you". But I went through a horrible situation two years ago just after the divorce on my own.  Totally on my own.  I paid for it on my own.  I made my own medical decisions.  I consulted with docs and pushed to see the right surgeons.  And they did a great job.  I need to keep reminding myself that I can do this and I will do this.  I can't let him in my head anymore.

I guess it goes to show that even after you leave, they still live in you.  Their voices still whisper in your ear.  Habits become ingrained and are to break.  It is tough to rely on yourself again when you were taught to doubt all you are.  He billed himself as this caring, smart, wonderful husband but he was actually very disordered and secretly undermining my every thought and idea.  I was very broken when I left.  I am better now but I realize that I will always be working on recovery.

[Penny Lane]

In some ways, your healing is just beginning! It's very hard to heal with the daily interactions with the abuser. I don't think he lives in you forever - I think you're entering the next stage, where you got him out of your life and now you are going to get him out of your mind.

I hope you can find the energy to do this while focusing on your very serious health struggles (or at least let the health struggles be a distraction from his voice). Sending you lots of mental and physical healing energy! I hope you find that it is much easier to take care of your needs without him there.