"Traps"

[11JB68]

This plays off of my other posts this week about uPDh but is sort of a separate topic I guess
uPDh was particularly 'moody' over the past week or so
As I posted elsewhere my mood lately has fluctuated between angry and depressed, mostly depressed
All of a sudden uPDh is 'in a better mood' according to him. I used to 'fall' for this and react in that I would lighten up and start responding to him 'non to non'. However, I've learned over time that letting my guard down is not a good idea, and I was falling into a false sense of security as his mood could change w/o my knowing and a small thing could set him off. Therefore, MC all the way.
I think he still expects that if HE is in a 'good' mood that I will be as well (cuz of course in his mind we are probably one person).
When his mood is good he does this thing that makes me uncomfortable in that I feel it is a trap.
First, he OFTEN says 'I love you' and I say "love you too" (Which is not a lie- I do love him/care about him) BUT when in a 'good mood' he will randomly he will say things to me like ' I like you', 'I really like you' etc. (now, first, I feel like - yeah, you only 'like' me when I'm complying and being a 'good' wife to you - I don't really believe that he LIKES ME. He likes/loves some imaginary ideal he has of what I should be, not ME the real me - but ALSO it feels like a 'trap' to me - he is fishing for me to respond likewise and say "I really like you too". I can't really honestly say that I LIKE him these days. Sometimes he'll go further and if I say I Like You Too, he'll say - what do you like about me? (:0)
Well he did it last night and I avoided answering and he sort of looked at me funny but let it go. But this am he did it again, so I responded: i like you too and he responded 'good'.
Yuck. This doesn't feel good at all
As I'm typing this I'm realizing this is also some sort of Hoover attempt. He KNOWS he was being a complete jerk to me over the last couple weeks and now  he's trying to be 'nice'.
All this did was make me feel very sad this morning.

[square]

A horrible trap. You are required to say the happy clappy thing on threat of explosion. All you can do is duck and dodge.

You know what I don't get? If a PD holds you hostage and you decide to stop complying, you decide to set off the bomb
Later they will just try again. What the heck?

They won't just learn not to demand happy crappy. They'll keep demanding and YOU'LL have to pay over and over.

Things aren't quite the same here but maybe you and I are in a similar mood. I'm just done. H has been doing a seriously crappy thing to DD over and over (leaving her without a ride - she is anxious) and sees NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with his behavior and is angry with ME for literally insane twisted logic.

So he blows up and a couple of days later he feels better. Gives me a little hug. Yay!!! Everything is great!!! No, I am so so angry with him but I have to pretend, at the barest acceptable level. Fake smile, smallest I can get away with. Fake happy crappy answers.

I could be honest but for what? More misery, no change.

It's asking a LOT for you and me to twist ourselves into pretzels to soothe these little man toddlers.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO TAKE IT BUT WE HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE IT.

Sorry, hon.

[BeautifulCrazy]

11JB68....
I could be projecting, but when I read your posts, I think my OCPDh is so similar to yours, it's frightening. I think I know exactly what you are describing. Your description of the TV watching / bedtime routine is what my life used to be every day around 9pm - midnight. Right down to the b.s. with the volume and the evening smoke.
The car rides.
The hoover.
The "be vulnerable to me" game.
The compliments that come back, suddenly, when he is in a good mood and I am checking all the right "wifely" boxes. (Or he feels terribly guilty)
Mine even said "good" to the "I like you too", a few times.
It made my skin crawl.
When he said it, it felt like a threat somehow. Like he was saying it was good that I had said that. Not that he was glad I liked him. Or that he thought it was good to be liked. It was "good" that I had responded that way. And I felt an unspoken "Or else...." (shudder)

I hated that feeling of being stuck between two bad options. The "trap" you refer to. If I gave a response anything like what he was looking for, I felt disgusting and dishonest and not right with myself. If I didn't, I would eventually pay for it somehow.

I left (20 months now), so don't have any advice or input for you 11JB68. I just want you to know that I really deeply understand what you are talking about and I am sorry.

[GentleSoul]

Oh goodness, Yes I hear you.

The "script!   

They are the lead actor, we are the supporting cast.  They say their lines and we are meant to respond with ours.  They are director as well as script writer and lead actor. 

They write the script depending on where their mental health and attitude is in that particular day. 

I experienced this in childhood and then in my marriage.   

I don't live in someone elses theatre play anymore   

[losingmyself]

I completely understand.
It's difficult to reconcile the feeling, when he's being 'nice'  You'd think it would be a relief.
"I love you"
(required answer) "I love you more"
The compliments, the hair stroking, it just doesn't feel good. Maybe because he is on a campaign to get everyone to believe that I'm some kind of monster. Mean, yelling, as if he's afraid of me. He's even trying to gaslight me into believing that I am mean.
I know what he's doing, and anyone who believes him is his personal flying monkey. Not my circus.
But I have also felt this depression, sadness. Like is this my life??
I know it doesn't have to be. I have nothing keeping me here, except my own fear of confrontation

[Falsebalance]

But I have also felt this depression, sadness. Like is this my life??
I know it doesn't have to be. I have nothing keeping me here, except my own fear of confrontation

That's wonderfully stated!

11BJ68
I did the same thing.  Oh...'we're' happy today! I can relax and talk and be normal! And then I get too comfortable and say something that causes a blowup and then I'm in silent treatment jail 

[11JB68]

Thank you all for your empathic/supportive responses.
Only here would other folks (sadly) relate to this and understand it.
The hoovering continued through the weekend, though there was a small slip on Saturday as we were doing our taxes ('accusing' me of moving something somehwere, getting annoyed - HE had moved it!) Still - apologized etc.
On zoom call with DS last night he even suggested DS and I talk about some music thing we like (this would normally annoy updh and 'make him fell' left out etc)
The thing is - I know from experience - he is unable to maintain this for very long. This is not his true nature.
And it's really quite 'empty' anyway -there is really no effort on his part to change or to do anything differently or to 'allow' me to do anything (very) differently etc. It's very 'on the surface' stuff - and even that is hard for him to maintain (thus the slip on Saturday).