How to manage stonewalling sister

[2ndsibling]

I hope someone will read this who has been in similar situation and can help me manage this best way possible.
My mother was emotionally abusive and used silent treatment to control my father and her 4 children. I am the second daughter. My problem is my older sister 18months my senior. She was always a difficult child and my mother rejected her. I was the affectionate child who was compliant and was the peacemaker. I have resolved my mother issues as best i can and am now her carer. I came home 2 years ago to look after her. My sister was doing this up till then but i took over as i couldnt cope with sisters abuse of mum.  Sister has no relationship with her 2 grown children due to her PD. I havnt had much relationship with her either due to her PD in the past but figured out her triggers were had to keep her in the loop of things otherwise she would feel left out and this would enrage her and when sister is enraged the whole family suffers. She has controlled the family for years by her stonewalling and hidden putdowns and all walk on egg shells to prevent further episodes.
I wont play her game and call her to account and this has worked so far as ive lived a distance away so its been fairly easy to ignor her episodes.  2 years have gone well now living in same neighbourhood till recently. I let pass her often subtle putdowns but recently let her know via text that i didnt appreciate her latest insult. She told me i was over reacting and wasnt going to talk about it. She has since gone silent and a huge wall is up. Then to make things worse  i forgot that the cleaner she organised was coming and she was furious. I apologised profusely and admitted my error but its not accepted and the stonewalling continues.  I usually make the effort and go and talk to her  when i suspect shes in a mood but she clearly crossed the line and if i go do that she will think all is ok and her behaviour will never change. She never ever apologises.  Its hard cause its very uncomfortable but im tired of being the peacemaker. Im thinking ill just let it sit till shes ready to talk and i need to say its not ok how she talks down to me. Im not one for just picking up as tho nothing has happened and not talking about it . 
Such a disfunctional family . Any suggestions or better way to manage this id appreciate 

[LifeInTheFog]

It's not my sister but I have been going through this with a friend who is a BDP Waif type who I loved like a sister.

Our relationship was fine, until I started doing self esteem work and started trying to communicate ways she was hurting me.

This is someone unable even to apologize after going into crazy rages at our workplace over nothing. She thinks it's healthy to let her anger out as she was suppressing for the first part of her life. I think she may be switching from Waif to Queen.

Anywho, I think your best strategy is to accept that your sister may never be capable of behaving towards you in a normal and healthy way. It's heartbreaking as you see moments of a wonderful person but the BDP always comes back out. And the more you try and challenge them, the more they will cut you off. They aren't capable of complex thinking and it's black and white. Think of the queen in Alice and wonderland, off with their heads!

I didn't want to lose my friend so I kept things safe for many years by always telling her she was right and that it was OK to blow me off or never make time for me but that was causing me pain. My mom was BDP too and I learned ways to keep them happy. At my own expense.

It came to a head when she left a terrible relationship and got in a worse one. She'd tell us all these scary things that put her kids in danger too, but the scary part was if we criticized him, we were considered judgmental. In her world she expected for us to accept and support her relationship no matter what. My health is super bad so eventually I was like I need to focus on me and as she's talking about marrying this troubled guy I was finally honest and said I didn't think she should be with him. Her own health is a mess from healing with this. That was it. I was dropped emotionally. I can get a text back if I text but she's checked out. Our last day of work together I got really ill and she ignored me in a ball on the floor. They love to punish.

Your situation sounds like mine in that trying to explain how you feel will make them more angry as they can't take criticism. They also live in a form of denial that makes them see other people as the problem rather than being able to see their own part.

Best thing you can do is read up on Borderlines (sounds like you have a Witch or Queen) to truly understand your sister and why she won't be capable of being the sister you want her to be.

It's important because even tho you can't change her or her behavior (they have to go to therapy and they are therapy resistant) YOU need to heal from this and not take her behavior personally. And it's obviously hurting you otherwise you wouldn't post.

The only effective way of getting the favor of Borderlines is to pretend they are right and take the blame for it all. I did that for many years in many relationships and I just can't do it any more.

So I think all you can do is send a letter with how you feel and see how she reacts. Or if you just want to have her take the walls down, you could take the blame but that's not honest. :-/

Best of luck. Whenever I start hurting about this loss I read articles again and again to understand that it wasn't me and she can't help her behavior either. They are essentially very wounded children that can't behave like adults no matter what we try. They live in total denial and can't see things rationally.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

It sounds like you are trying to have a productive relationship with someone who is quite dysfunctional.

I am sorry you are in this situation, as you already can see from your history, things are only peaceful for a time and then you have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace for other people. Which gets really tiresome over time.

The toolbox area in this website gives a lot of good information for people who have tried to fix their relationships with a PD.

My 2 cents...It can seem like you're asserting a boundary when you texted her to say you didn't appreciate being insulted, but thats not likely to work, as you described it.

"Dont insult me." Feels like we are asserting a boundary but actually, especially with a PD, you'll need to be clear that when she insults you, you disengage. When someone baits you, you pull back to protect yourself. In essence, boundaries are about what you do, not what you wish they did or didn't do.

Having a family member with a PD is a lot of heartbreak. People here get it. Hopefully the boards and toolbox are helpful to you.

Trees