how to work through my denial of feelings?

[athene1399]

I feel like we've had a lot going on and nothing going on at the same time. BM has been very open with us and isn't blaming us for anything and isn't trying to scheme us out of money. I've been telling myself that BM's new situation isn't affecting me and I'm not worried at all, but I've been having reoccurring dreams about stress due to BM. The dream I had this morning was the four of us, SO, me, SD, and BM, were all out of country on vacation together (or happened to be in the same place). She went to the authorities to tell them that SO didn't have custody of SD. I keep the custody agreement in my purse, but I couldn't find it. I was so stressed. Then I woke up. The other dreams have had a similar theme. I'm either stressed over something BM did or I accidentally sabotage her and am afraid others will find out and I ruin my career. In another dream, I was upset at SD because the day after we bought her food for the week and dropped it off at her mom's she wanted more food. I felt like we were being used because she still didn't want to come over, but expected double the food we normally give her since her mom isn't working.

In real life, BM lost her job (which we were anticipating within a month or so) and let us know that she is going through withdrawal from being taken off of pain pills. She claims she missed an apt so the doctor wouldn't refill her prescription. Then she said she's having her T let the doctor know that since she's been off the pills her depression and anxiety have been super bad (in the hopes that the doctor will say "so sorry... here's more pills"). BM has SD18 all the time now (since end of Oct). We can't get her for any overnights. She says it's too hard living between two houses, so chose to stay with BM. I asked SO to see if he could offer overnights since the new situation, but he's like "She's 18, what does it matter? She's an adult and it's her choice to stay with mom." BM has used suicide attempts in the past for leverage so my fear is she will attempt suicide again to show her doctor how bad her depression is so she gets the pain pills again. But the last time she attempted suicide she did ask us to take SD prior. But it still bothers me.

I've been making a point to text SD to ask how school is. I'm hoping it reinforces that she has someone to go to if she needs it and that I am still here for her even if I don't see her often. So in a situation where that's really all I can do, how do I work through the anxiety I pretend I don't feel during the day? I clearly feel it since I'm having these dreams.

[Penny Lane]

Hi athene,

Big hugs from a fellow stepmom!



I am so nervous about getting to the point you are - the kids are adults and they're out in the world and we just have to trust and hope that we've taught them enough that they can survive having a relationship with their mom sans buffer. I get why it's making you anxious and giving you stress dreams!

Do you have a counselor? I've found my counselor to be incredibly valuable. She will (somewhat bluntly) tell me that I need to focus on the things that I can control and not worry about the things I can't. Easier said than done, I know, but for some reason hearing it from her helps a lot. I think it's a good start that you're naming your feelings and acknowledging that you feel anxious.

I think a really hard thing about being a stepparent is that no matter what you do, no matter how much you love the kid, you can't undo damage their parent has done. But sometimes that thought makes me feel better too? My role is to be a positive presence in their lives, not solve everything that goes wrong for them. I think you're taking on a LOT of responsibility for your SD, even just in your own mind. Not only is it not your responsibility but you actually can't do it.

Again, I know, all of this is easier said than done, but ideally you'd focus that anxious energy into maintaining a good relationship with SD or facilitating her relationship with her dad. If you can't do that can you focus on something else productive to do with that energy? Like I said I think a counselor might be able to help with that.

Good luck! I hope this situation evens out into something that feels normal and OK and involves way less stress dreams for you!

[Magnolia34]

Stepmom #2 here! I can completely relate. Penny Lane is right though, if you don't have a therapist maybe think about it? DH is so good to talk to but having a 3rd party perspective has been invaluable. Just someone to say "Uh, that sounds hard and awful and you're totally justified in your feelings!" and then working through that.

We also have one turning 18 soon and it's so stressful to try to watch him figure things out. He's starting to see BM's patterns and behaviors a little bit but he also often benefits from them so, like you, I'm afraid he's going to move in with her when he turns 18 and we won't see much of him.

I think you're doing EXACTLY the right thing by keeping in touch with SD. I am positive that a day will come when she'll really need someone and she'll know your'e there for her. You've got this. Just try to keep things in perspective and let her know you love her!

[athene1399]

Thank you for the input! I really should look into therapy again. I don't have time now, but hopefully soon. I think it's just one of those things I just have to deal with. Take it one day at a time. And in all honestly, it's not as bad as back when we were in court. I may be having anxious dreams, but at least I can fall asleep right away. I don't feel as "on guard" all the time as before. So it's not so bad. And I guess I'm allowed to worry. I just have to make boundaries with the worry and not let it consume me or take over.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

Stepmom #3 here- and also fearing the day the kids turn 18, especially DSD, who is the GC.  I understand the nightmares- I have them at times too.  My anxiety got so bad at one point, I told DH I just couldn't know what was happening with BM.  I couldn't hear the accusations, the manipulations.  I felt horrible, but I was crying all the time and I was SO angry.  It wasn't making things better for DH, I couldn't even talk him down from his anxiety because I couldn't get past my own.    I think as a stepmom, and having to live with all of the consequences of what happens, but really being "the backseat driver" to some extent, is really difficult.  We don't get to make the decisions that will largely impact our lives.  For me, DH certainly makes decisions WITH me, but ultimately he is the one the attorney's take direction from.

I agree with the others that a therapist may help a lot!  DH has a therapist, and when things get really horrible, we go together.  His T is fantastic, I actually find it very intellectually fascinating because a lot of our time is focused on understanding the psychology and pathology behind what is happening at given times.   The T is VERY clear on what we are dealing with in regards to BM, and has validated us with the fact that he has never seen anything like it.  We tell him what is happening with the kids, our concerns surrounding it, and he works with us on ways to help them.    We talk about things like the impact of DSS being the scapegoat at BMs and what they will do to his self confidence and how we can help him maintain his true sense of self.  At times, he really just throws his hands up and says "this sucks, and I know it sucks for you guys, and all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other".

[Magnolia34]

I can absolutely relate to the anxious dreams. When things are "good" I'm just bracing for it. I made a mistake the last few years and let my guard down because she's back at it! I'm reeling a little bit but not like I would have a year or more ago. I'm SO looking forward to the day that it's like swatting a gnat. "Gee, its' her again? What's for dinner?"

I will say, and I think Penny Lane and I have talked about this, removing myself from some of it has helped IMMENSELY! DH and I used to discuss every email and every accusation and I just couldn't take it. I even have to drop off of here for chunks of time because I feel like it just stokes my anxiety. DH and I definitely talk about things in general terms, and specifics if it's something really important. But I had to ask him (and he kind of started on his own) not to talk with me about every little thing. It's hard because I'm a control freak and I want to be prepared for whatever may happen. But can you ever really be? I don't think so. So I've been a little more at ease in the meantime.

[Stepping lightly]

Ha- ACC- I could have written that :-)

Before our PC or T meetings, I would just say "anything I need to know before we go in there?  Any surprises looming?"

[athene1399]

I think as a stepmom, and having to live with all of the consequences of what happens, but really being "the backseat driver" to some extent, is really difficult.

That's definitely a major part of it. And we've figured out a bit of how to talk to BM (in her current mood/state of mind) but there's so much we don't know how to offset. For the small things we do do, there's a billion things we don't know how to address or do better. I think I'll bring up the idea of going to a T together with SO. I think it would be great for the both of us. Plus he's got some stuff we've been working through as a result of his relationship with BM (while they were married). He had PTSD with some situations, but now he's a lot better with most of it. It's just taken a lot of time and a lot of honest and deep conversations.  I just wish we could do that with SD. We just can't openly talk about it with her like we can with each other. Maybe that's my other main issue.

[Penny Lane]

I totally agree - it is TOUGH having very little control over something that impacts your life and your family so much. I am not great at giving up control, although I am having to learn quickly!

I also would second or third the suggestion to get yourself out of it a little. I know when I get too invested I'm really not helpful to DH or anyone. You don't have to go total cold turkey either, although maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. I started taking the advice to step away but I've been doing it more gradually - like, in the past DH and I would discuss how he responds to every email, now he usually mentions them to me but responds to the more routine ones on his own without any kind of a discussion with me. My goal is to be more like an adviser - he and I agree on strategies he should use in his communication with her (basically ways to deescalate) and then he puts them into practice and only asks what I think when it's an especially difficult one. During this court stuff it's been somewhat of a triage/all hands on deck situation and that's definitely taken a toll on me. I am really looking forward to the day when I can go days or weeks without hearing anything about her! Here's hoping the same to you all!

[athene1399]

I am really looking forward to the day when I can go days or weeks without hearing anything about her!

Do you think we can block her when SD turns 21? Like, does there ever come a day when we can chose to not ever hear from her? SO and I have discussed this a bit, though it was more in a joking manner. Does anyone who has older kids know if this is a good or bad idea? I'm curious.

[Magnolia34]

I'd be interested to find that out as well! I really don't see the purpose of communicating with them after the kids are grown. If the kids are at or nearing adulthood and hopefully taking care of themselves what is there to talk about? I could see if some sort of issue arises, God forbid, an addiction or something but even then... two healthy parents may want to team up together to help but I don't see how that would be possible or constructive with a PD. Maybe I'm just too pessimistic at the moment.

[Penny Lane]

My hope would be that DH's communication with BM will be dramatically limited even after the kids graduate from high school. The goal would be that the kids are adults who handle their own lives, and we would communicated directly with them about anything that comes up. I'm not sure if we would actually block BM, vs just not responding to her, though. Because there might be an occasional issue that the parents do need to discuss. Maybe block her through all but one medium and let her know that it's only to be used in emergencies. Athene it sounds like your SD is not really independent enough to be totally on her own after graduation like I'm describing. But I would certainly hope that by the time she's 21 your SO and BM would rarely if ever need to communicate about stuff. Of course you'll have to see BM at weddings, graduations, etc. But in our case BM just pretends like she can't see us so fingers crossed that continues for the rest of our lives!

[Stepping lightly]

I think it's definitely an option once the kids get older.  We are in a bit of a unique situation, and we don't speak to BM ever.  It used to be 50/50 custody, but BM was incessant, relentless, abusive...every....single...day.  She alienated the kids and bullied the professionals.  The kids thought that if BM had full custody like she demanded,  she would be nicer so they said they wanted to live with her full time.  Well, they learned quickly that giving her what she demanded didn't make her nicer.  So, now we have EOW and summers. BM continued to try and engage, but all of the sudden she had less to engage over.   DH had effectively taken everything off the negotiation table.  She continued to try to force contact by creating issues with the kids- looking for things she knew DH would fight.  She found a few, but we went straight to the professionals, not her.

We have zero reason to communicate with her, it's simply used to abuse us and the kids.  There is a custody calendar she is required to maintain, and that gives us everything we need to know.  I imagine with adult children, there would be absolutely no reason to communicate with the PD.

One things we learned...and crazy enough had feared....when the PD can't get at the ex, they may turn on someone more available.  This is what happened with my DSS.  They need to project somewhere and it is very scary when it is a child. 

[athene1399]

when the PD can't get at the ex, they may turn on someone more available.

Good point. I didn't think of it that way. May be something to keep in mind.

She doesn't rant to SO too much now, but she always sends him texts reminiscing about the good times when they were married, or send him pics of the kids when they were younger, or my favorite, sends him a screen shot of one of her social media posts saying, "I know you have me blocked, but I thought you'd want to see this...".  Or just goes on about her medical issues. Probably 95% of the time it has nothing to do with SD or her medical payments/appointments. SO is always like "Why won't she leave me alone." So I was curious about what others thought about it. We usually ignore her or just say "I am sorry to hear that, hope things get better" because she's under stress now so SO's trying to stay on her good side.  So it's nothing bad, but SO wants to forget she exists sometimes and get on with his life. She just texts him a whole lot of stuff he doesn't care about and it really does not pertain to us. I just think she likes talking about stuff and doesn't care who she's talking to. Maybe she's lonely. IDK. lol

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

I sounds like she is just trying to keep SO's attention.  If it's mild, I would just ignore it.  If he tries to stop it in anyway, she might be more extreme in her attention seeking.  It's easy to roll your eyes at a facebook post you have no interest in seeing.

[Rose1]

I've had no reason to talk to my ex since my d's turned 18. He wasn't interested in the youngest anyway and she picked up on that long before she was 18. Oldest used to be gc. Until she was 24.

What I used to do and still do now is  discuss sometimes (oldest is 33) strategies for dealing with pd. Oldest has rarely brought up individual events from the marriage, but what she remembers as difficult isn't always the same thing I thought would be a problem. It's been more about venting and pointing her in the right direction to cope with pd. And being there for them.

We don't talk much about my relationship with her father. Although I have made a point of always answering questions even awkward ones. We do talk about her relationship with her father which is now nc. But sometimes she needs to process stuff. Parent relationships are icky. Apparently.

Keeping the lines of communication open was important. Once she was old enough we discussed mental illness. And how to deal with passive aggressive manipulation etc.

She has a good relationship with her step father. But that's based on how he has treated her and been there for her. Not really a father substitute but certainly an adult male who she relates to and can talk to. Dh will also answer any question she asks and for her at least this is something she values.

[athene1399]

Since Novemeber our contact with SD has been limited. She won't come over at all, but we take her to dinner once every two weeks or so. SO sees her more. He picks her up from school and buys her snacks before dropping her off at BM's. I really want to start conversations about not letting people take advantage of you or manipulate you. I want her to make the connection to BM, but she isn't ready. SD tries to protect her and take care of her. Usually I discuss why Trump says the things he does, and why he uses the tactics he does to try to get what he wants (Not diagnosing him here, there's just some behaviors I can talk about with her). I'm not trying to get political, but her mom has done similar things to us in the past so I think it's a helpful way to talk about it. And SD seems to like discussing Trump. I'm hoping to be able to make the bridge to mental illness and opening up more in that field. I talk briefly about my depression and anxiety, and told her i used to have anger issues which surprised her. I told her I learned to work through it so I don't take it out on others because that's not fair. I hope some of it sinks in. I just don't want her to get in a relationship with someone like her mom when she's older. It's my biggest fear.

And I'm sure BM's texts to SO are totally attention seeking. It's what she does. It makes us wonder if her usual supply has run dry or if she just needs more than usual.

[Stepping lightly]

Athene,

I think it's great that you talk to her about your emotions.  I think kids feel like any strong emotion they have means something is wrong with them (or my SKs think so because of the horrible therapist they have a mother who reinforces that belief).  When they learn that we all have strong emotions at times, I think it is comforting to them.  I remember talking to DSD about anxiety.  I told her we all have anxiety at times, and she looked up in shock and said, "even you?".  I laughed, and said, "Oh yeah, I have just learned to manage it and know what to do when it starts to feel overwhelming".  I think it's important that they understand that feelings and emotions are OK, what's important is how we deal with them.  If we allow our anger to become out of control and we lash out at other people, that is not OK.  If we get angry with someone, and we talk to them respectful about what has upset us and why (even if we have to walk away and come back later to do so)...very different manifestations of the same emotion. 

[Penny Lane]

Athene honestly it sounds like your SO could block BM right now, maybe tell her to email him in cases of emergency. It sounds like she's not sharing anything he needs to know about SD anyway.

[athene1399]

Thank you so much everyone! I cannot tell you enough how helpful this all is.