NC 5 days - how do you deal with the terror?

[Therivercontinueson]

I came across this forum this week and just have to say WOW, I can't believe others are going through the same thing. You always feel so alone in the world with PD family members, so I'm hoping this can be a place to work through some stuff moving forward, as it seems so many of you have.

I have been aware of my abusive FOO for a long time. Unfortunately even after moving abroad, the enmeshment they forced me into took years to untangle. Just last year I started supporting myself financially, was able to disconnect emotionally (which took over 15 years of therapy mind you), and got my cat back from them successfully (who they were holding hostage from me). I was greyrocking and LC with them all through those years, and went back to contacting them again "normally" in order to convince them to give me my cat. After that worked and I got him, I went back to LC, then moved to VLC, and that's when the tirades started...

Since I got my cat back, I have been feeling utterly exhausted. I feel like I've made it to the end of the practical steps of getting away from an abuser. After 38 years, I'm finally on my own two feet, and living across the world. Unfortunately, it seems the emotional side still lingers, and I'm not sure what to do.

I had kept a line of communication open the last few years, but now I wonder why I need it anymore. I was considering going NC for the last few years but it never dawned on me I could actually go NC and be free from the verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation.

I was back and forth about it for a while but the final straw was on my birthday - I wanted to have a peaceful day so I left my phone at home and went out with my partner. Lo and behold, I came back to 25 messages from each parent demanding I call them etc. I couldn't handle talking to them so I went to bed. Unfortunately that set my parents off, and I not only received a pages long message criticising me for three years (!) worth of decisions, but I received non-stop harrassment for days and days. I couldn't take it anymore and just blocked them for my own sanity - telling myself it was just for a few days of peace. However, since doing it something opened up in me, thinking this is something I absolutely need to do so I can enjoy my life in peace. At the same time, it's been 5 days since I blocked them, and I feel at once a mixture of relief and utter terror. I've never blocked them before and I can almost feel their rage from across the world. I'm absolutely terrified both to unblock them AND keep them blocked. How can I deal with this emotionally? I felt even though they were emotionally and verbally abusing me over text, at least I could "manage" it somehow - as it seems like the worst thing I could ever do in their eyes is pull away/de-enmesh myself/not answer the phone. I just know it's what I need to do in my life but I am absolutely terrified to keep it going, and I am as well absilutely terrified to unblock them and receive a tirade of abuse.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate (in these early days of NC)? I just don't know if I can keep this up but I feel I have to, and am feeling exhausted, scared and depleted.

[moglow]

Hello, river, and welcome to Out of the FOG. I guarantee most of us get the fear and OMG what have I done?? But then -sit with me a minute here- what can they do about this or any other choice you make for yourself and your life? Be mad? They already are. Berate you repeatedly via text/vm, demands that you call? They already do. They can't restrict you, take away your car, phone or anything else. All they have is their mad. So let them have that. 

You're an adult. What if you had simply gone away and left your phone off? People do that every day. Phone/signal outages happen. You owe no one an explanation or apology for whatever choices you made with your own phone. 

I'd have frankly been tempted to get a few too many drinks under my belt (liquid courage) then call them, laughing. Having a great day. Let them be realllllly mad and unload their dumpsters for whatever time I chose. And then blow it all off. Make it clear you heard it - and it changed nothing for you. That's ALL them. 

But for you, my friend, take whatever time you need. Whether it's for now, for a few months or forever, shut off anything that wrecks your peace. They're showing you who they are. Shake off the fear and understand you don't have to accept any of it. 

We're here with you. Breathe. Practice some good care for yourself. And breathe some more .

[notrightinthehead]

You blocked them on your phone. Now block them in your mind. Stop wondering what they say, think, feel. Every time your mind goes there, notice it, write the time down if you want, and force yourself to think of something else. A project you want to do, a trip you want to take, the plot of your favorite soapy. At the evening count the number of times you noticed yourself thinking of them. Check if it gets less over time. When fear overwhelms you, practice a mindfulness meditation or do some self compassion meditation. You can do this!

[NarcKiddo]

I have not gone NC so in that respect I cannot relate.

But quite often in my therapy sessions I will say "What if they think XYZ?" or "I don't want this person to think XYZ" or "I don't want this person to get angry" or whatever. And she has to remind me that I cannot control other people. I cannot control how they act or react and I certainly cannot control what they think. Clearly I can modify my own behaviour and not do or say things that I know will probably provoke an unpleasant reaction if I do not want to have to deal with the unpleasant reaction. But that is the limit of what I can do, and their reaction is not a given.

It seems to me that your big fear about keeping the block might be what they may be thinking about it or saying about you. You cannot do anything about that. So the question, I guess, is "Do you want to open communication channels and hear what they have to say?" If you don't, then you need to work on getting them out of your head. You are allowing them space there by worrying about what they think. If you need NC for your own peace then part of the process is actually getting that peace. Managing their rage and bile was your old normal. Maybe now you need a new one. Changes are uncomfortable and unpleasant and scary at times. I'm not saying that you should maintain NC. Only you can decide. But a big change like this is going to take some time to adjust to.

Take care of yourself.

[olivegirl]

Welcome River:

I have been there and I have experienced the physical manifestations of anxiety after going No Contact with my
authoritarian, vindictive parents:  the "I'm in trouble" fear, the racing heartbeat, the stomachaches.

Self-care is the answer.

Turn away from thinking about them, their judgement, their demands.

Breathing exercises have been very helpful.  Yoga also helps center us. 

Additionally a nice bath.  Maybe a walk outdoors. 

It definitely gets better.  Distraction via a good book or a trip to the cinema also is very beneficial. 

Hang in there!  You are not alone!

[mary_poppins]

When I first went NC with FOO, I did something similarly. I was so put off and horrified by what both my parents told me over the phone that I hung up immediately and blocked them. I was also living abroad then so I had no fear that they'd 'drop' by my home.
I remember the guilt and pain I had right after NC, it was terrible. But work helped and I also had medication which lowered the depression and anxiety.

Yes it's terrible to put up this boundary but you don't do this to teach them a lesson or get revenge. You go NC to protect yourself and heal. I see NC like going to a doctor if you break a leg. You aren't gonna go home if you get into an accident but head straight to the hospital.

PDs are very dangerous and so NC is like going to the hospital metaphorically to heal those spiritual wounds.