Frustrating Conversations

[Basil Bachelorette]

 I am not sure if my roommate has a PD or not, but in any case he exhibits behaviors that make me wonder.

For most of the year that I've known him, he has put on a very obvious 'cool guy' persona. He swaggers when he walks, is perpetually chill with everything, makes cool nods to everyone and never expresses vulnerability of any sort. Lately, that has started to change though, and he's begun expressing negativity in a very unhealthy way, calling everything he doesn't like 'gay', and being sulky. We even got into a fight where he accused me of making passive remarks, but he refused to tell me what those remarks were, and then he accused me of gaslighting him for not knowing the remarks.

But, what I want to know is if anyone else has had this experience of frustrating conversations.? Back when we were cool, he and I would get into deep conversations, about society, life, religion or whatever. He would come to some broad conclusion about a topic, but when I agreed with him, he would suddenly change his mind and then advocate a different point of view entirely. This happened enough that I began to notice the pattern. These conversations were confusing, more so than frustrating. It felt like we never landed anywhere comfortable, and that nothing real was being said anyway. After a while, I stopped caring as much about these conversations.

A few weeks ago though, I began expressing some of my opinions more firmly in conversation. And suddenly, he began challenging my perspectives. These weren't big broad conclusions about life mind you, but, for example, what my opinion was of a former neighbor, who he had never met, who showed many signs of ASPD. It felt weird, because, he brought the topic up again out of the blue the next day, and at this point, it felt like he was arguing with my emotions. For instance, I told roomie he wouldn't want to be like ASPD neighbor, for whom he had been expressing admiration, because that guy left me feeling completely chilled inside-i.e. he was not attractive at all, and was in fact terrifyingly repulsive. Whereas most people, hearing this would simply empathize, or say 'Oh, he was that kind of guy!' roomie argued that some women would find this attractive.

If this was just one time, it wouldn't be so weird, but I notice anytime I have an opinion about anything, or even just a feeling about something, he challenges it, and he never seems to understand any part of my point of view. It could be something as small as why the house is having plubming issues, or what is really going on in a conversation I had with someone else that I am recounting to him. The effect is that I feel often not understood at all. I also find that I am sometimes bending my perspective to adjust to his, just to bring the conversation to an end. 

[notrightinthehead]

I knew a person like that, but I didn't live with her. So I could escape more easily. Once I had noticed the contrarian style of hers, I tested my theory several times.  I expressed an opinion, she would contradict, I agreed with her, she would contradict again. It was secretly funny to observe it.
I find that people like this are not friend material. Whatever their issues are, I would not waste any time on trying to figure it out. Rather medium chill all the way, keep it light and friendly and spend more time with people with higher friend potential.

[Catothecat]

It sounds like this guy tried on various personas before he found one that made him feel good about himself.

Being a contrarian is what some people do.  It's not a conversational style or any type of sincere interaction.  It's a tactic they use to "defeat" you.  The end goal seems to be the feeling they've somehow won something by running you in circles, confusing you, trying to make you doubt yourself.  Ultimately, it's all about them because they're the only one getting anything out of the interaction. 

Since you live together, ignoring him would be kind of difficult, but I would definitely not engage more than necessary.  The person he was when the two of you were having good, meaningful conversations isn't the person he really is.  He probably doesn't even know, himself, the person he really is.  Which is why he's shape shifting, trying on different personas. 

You might try telling him you're not interested in having these "conversations" when they start up.  Cut him off.  He wants the attention you're giving him.  Don't give it to him. 

[Basil Bachelorette]

I've been trying medium chill for a couple of days now, and it seems to be working well. It's funny too what you notice when you take a step back from interactions. I didn't notice until now, but when I walk into a room he will put his hands up in the air, like I have a gun. It probably started when I was super busy and rushing into the kitchen on work breaks, but he does it now, even if I am walking at a medium pace, or just have a question for someone. Kind of irritating, but only if I think that it actually reflects how I am feeling.

Anyway, thank you for your insight and advice Cat and notrightinthehead! 

[sunshine702]

Yep contrary. My partner does this.  Also watch for what I call "litigation/deposition". A lawyer cross examine approach to a conversation. It goes like this—  Sky is blue .  No sky is blue with white clouds.  Well yes but primary blue.  So you admit your first statement was a lie. No I am trying to give nuance to my original statement.  Why do you lie so much about simple things like the sky.

It's not a real debate /conversation. It is a power play.  They want to win not hear you.

I often suddenly need to do something - take the trash out/ start some laundry.  We can pick this conversation up another day.  They will not. Again it was about winning not hearing your take.

[Boat Babe]

You cannot win but you can refuse to play.

[Basil Bachelorette]

Thanks for your input sunshine 702 and Boat Babe. I like that lawyer analogy!