So proud of DH!

[Leonor]

A few years ago, major blowup led me to go NC with ILs; DH was majorly foggy, blaming me, ILs all guilt trippy, total mess. We had been planning to move to his country and I was getting physically ill at the thought of it, CPTSD,  flashbacks, panic, etc.

About a year ago, though, I made a change. I wrote DH a long letter. I wrote out everything, how I felt, what I needed. I then came up with a list of action-items: things that needed to change in his relationship with the ILs, or I was ready to consider leaving the relationship.

I was sick with anxiety but he took it well. And then he went to work. I don't know how, but he did it. He did his work. Day by day, month by month.

And then covid came, and I decided to switch up my career. I'll be 50 in a year, and I wanted to do something cool. I decided to take online courses and began to teach myself the job skills I wanted.

DH agreed to every condition I put down and then some. He started to really see that his family is ill, that they will never be healthy and that there's no point in getting caught up in the drama.

This year, we took the plunge and moved. Like, sold off our stuff and embarked on our adventure. And guess what? Within 24 hours of our arrival, FIL is in the hospital. It happens so often even DH no longer says it's a coincidence. I think he stops taking his heart medication a few days in advance; DH thinks he goes into a panic attack. Either way, I feel like getting a megaphone and yelling, "This is a test of the Emergency Inlaw System. This is only a test."

In any case, there he is, and he's in the mid- to late-stages of heart failure, so it's not the last time he'll be there. And this is a system that expects that family members assist the patient. So DH has to be there from time to time too.

But this time is so different. DH has no contact with sil or mil because as he says, there's no sensible way to communicate with them. SIL apparently went off on him in a hallway the first day and he gray rocked! He's present for doctor visits but that's about it, and has established that he will be there every third day for set amounts of time, and if sil or mil can't make it on the other days, that is not a problem for him to solve.

Then he confronted FIL, and said that he had an obligation to his wife and children, not his parents or sister. He said that their behavior over the past few years affected the children and that was unacceptable. He said that we had agreed to fifteen-twenty minute visits in a park once a week out of consideration for their age and because we didn't want to entirely disrupt our kids' relationship with them, but he would supervise and if there were anything said or done that was inappropriate, the visit would end.

He's been talking to me a lot, checking in to see how I am, going over schedules and plans so we can approve them together. We make sure to limit IL bitching time and spend our days on what we need and want to do for us. He's not depressed, or angry, or bossy. He's really let go of them and is re-centered on his FOC.

Meanwhile, I'm getting my resume ready and so looking forward to an awesome year living my dream with my amazing kids and DH. I honestly have no idea how this will work out (our life here, not the ILs), but I know I'll never regret giving this a shot and I feel safer than ever in my marriage.

It *can* happen!

[Cat of the Canals]

This is so awesome, Leonor. For both of you! And congrats on your new career, that must be so exciting!

[Leonor]

Thank you Cat!

I'm feeling pretty good today, talked long time with DH, we agreed to keep the convo going and commit to working through boundary and priority issues around ILs. I think it's going to be bumpy because when people are so outrageous it's easy to get sucked in and sucker-punched before I realize it's even happening.

I think the turning point for me, though, is me. I used to worry do hard: what if we go there and nothing changes? What if DH regresses or FIL dies and MIL becomes catatonic... and there I am with nothing, trapped?

Now I have an agreement with myself. I know I'm capable and smart and strong, and I can take care of myself and my kiddos. I have no qualms about my NC with disordered people and no longer feel guilty about it. I generally think Dr Phil is a con artist quack but he did say one thing I get now, that trust isn't about hoping someone won't hurt you, but knowing if they do, you'll be ok.

I am also willing to be patient. It's been decades for me to come to a place where I can acknowledge that my parents, as much as I loved them, did not love me. I used to say to myself, Oh, they loved me but they were hurting, or Oh they loved me but in their own way, or Oh, they loved me but they were from a time when ... And now I know that may be true for other people, but not my mentally ill parents. They were not capable of love, not even the imperfect or conditional or damaged kind. I know that's true of my ILs too, but that's not my business. It's not my problem to solve for them, or even for my DH. He's going to have to come to some resolution of his own on that one.

I just hold onto my Cheri Huber books and Kris Godinez podcasts and keep keeping on!