Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships => Topic started by: Whiteheron on March 08, 2018, 09:30:52 PM

Title: More Games
Post by: Whiteheron on March 08, 2018, 09:30:52 PM
So I was thinking the other day that stbx seemed to be handling the temporary separation pretty well. I hadn't heard anything, he appears to be civil. I was shocked to the point of wondering if I was wrong about a few things. Nope.

Someone must have been on vacation (probably my L) because this past week I received two communications through my lawyer - one dated a week and a half ago. So it turns out stbx has been busy. We've been separated since the 11th of Feb. His L requested my L type up the temp custody agreement asap. My L does, but then we don't hear anything back from them for almost two weeks. They made a bunch of changes which include something about if the kids have off of school on his day and if he's not able to take time off of work, then I should watch them until a certain time, then bring them to him. So essentially I'm supposed to be available to babysit the kids on his day - Friday, if he deems himself unavailable?  (he gets Th-Su alternating weeks, and the proposed change was about a Friday). I mean, I'll gladly take the kids anytime he doesn't want them, and they'll gladly come stay with me...but to expect me to be at his beck and call, on his time? Really? He made such a fuss in his affidavits about being in "full control of his work schedule", so why would he not be able to take off work on a Friday to be with the kids if they don't have school?

Another thing he's doing is complaining about the state I've left the house in. I haven't finished moving out my stuff - I got sick and was out of commission for about a week and a half, and there was break, so nothing got done. He's making me out to be a hoarder slob to anyone who will listen, since I "left my belongings scattered throughout every room of the house" and he can't properly clean it up without getting a dumpster.

I was at the house last week to pick up the cat he decided he didn't have time to care for and the place was a disaster. He hadn't made the kids clean up after themselves and the place was a mess. It also smelled like cat pee. I had nothing at all to do with this...well, maybe a little. While I was still living there with him, stbx was letting the kids get away with eating in the living room and didn't make them clean up after themselves - I didn't pick up the slack, so the mess stayed where it was. I'm not a slave.

He's claiming I've left so many of my belongings behind that he's had to start making a pile in the garage. I've seen this pile. It includes some of the kids' belongings, doormats (?!), a used litter box, scratching post, and other common items from the house. I mean, come on, a used doormat???? Really?  :roll: There are a few things I have to get out of the house yet, but I'll be damned if I'm taking used doormats and a litter box.

Of course there's more, these are just the highlights.  :blink:
I am sick and tired of these games he plays. At least I can see them now and point them out to my L. He seems to want to thoroughly discard me (as if I've done him wrong and he's the innocent victim  :roll:), and keeps trying to portray me as someone I'm not to the court (to fit his narrative of how awful I am, so he was justified to cheat?). I'm only a short time out and I'm sick of his continuing games already. I don't think he'll ever stop.
Title: Re: More Games
Post by: Latchkey on March 08, 2018, 11:49:27 PM
The things you describe are really signs of him unraveling and this stuff is never pleasant.

 I've been through this twice and both times, unless there is a new wife (nanny) available then child care is all my responsibility on his days which really is just after work til 9 twice a week and sat/sun weekends. If you can keep them that is great, but if not then you might need to get a sitter and who should pay?

I pay for all the childcare for my younger kid 7 and I get child support but we don't split cost on that so a huge chunk of support  goes to that. I do make him split camps and extra things.

I also have a flexible job where I can take my kid to work if needed but most people don't have that.

Anyway, for now, I agree, the more you get the kids the better and his writing that in shows he is unable to care for them when there is a day off which might help you on down the road.

I do hope you can get some rest from the crazymaking and be happy at least your new place is not in disarray. Actions speak louder than words in the end.


Title: Re: More Games
Post by: Whiteheron on March 09, 2018, 07:38:02 PM
That's a perspective I hadn't thought of. I just assumed he was harassing me for the sheer joy of making me jump when he says to (he put in dates that have already past or are coming up shortly  :roll:).

I don't usually work on Fridays, so that wouldn't be a problem (his attitude is that I sit around and do nothing all day and should therefore be at his beck and call). His gf works (with him), so she's out as a Friday caretaker. I guess I knew this would happen, I'm just surprised it happened so quickly - we've been living separately for less than a month. 

My place is in a little bit of disarray - boxes everywhere. I go to empty them but stand there paralyzed, not sure where to put anything. But that's ok. My house is not dirty and cluttered, and despite having two senior cats, does not smell like cat pee.  ;)