Disturbing story

[walking on broken glass]

A disturbing situation emerged regarding a friend and I am upset by it. I used to be much closer with this friend but I diluted contact a lot, because she is quite narcissistic and can be very competitive with me (I had written about her here in the past). But we keep in touch and meet from time to time (she lives in a different country).

She's been in a relationship with a guy for the past 6 years or so, and it was clear from the start that this guy was bad news. From arguments and stories she was sharing, I could tell he was very emotionally immature and controlling, but she buried her head in the sand and sought to repair the relationship every time there was a rupture because of him. She prides herself on being very independent and self aware but in reality she is in denial and caters to the guy's whims. Whenever she shared something about a fight they had, I would gently challenge her and urge her to see his bad behaviour but she always reunited with him.

Well, this time she found out that he was bringing women (possibly trafficked) in the flat, when my friend was away, to have sex with them. He has an only fans account and she also found porn videos that he had shot in the flat. It looks like he might be involved in trafficking himself (not a huge leap to make from the evidence). He also routinely does cocaine. This is of course very disturbing but what gives me pause is my friend's reaction to it. She discovered some of the evidence when they were travelling together and she stayed with him and continued the holiday. After they went back, she looked for more evidence on his phone, didn't say anything when she discovered it and left only because she had another trip planned. When she talked to me about it, she didn't realize the magnitude of the situation and was still trying to make excuses for him. It turned out in our conversation that he had given her plenty of reasons to suspect what was going on, but she routinely dismissed all of them and turned a blind eye. He had even told her that he had a guy that procured women for him when he went for business in the Balcans 'in the past'. And she stayed with him after he admitted that, long before she found the video evidence!

I have been supporting her since she told me but I find her lack of understanding of the seriousness of all this very disturbing. She says she will ask him to leave the flat so that she packs up her things. I hope she will and I hope it will be a clean break. And even though I don't underestimate her psychology and the brainwashing she must have received, I am still puzzled about the choices she has made. She basically knew that he was taking advantage of poor, vulnerable women and was ok with it because ... it was in the past? Such a problematic ethical take.

I have been rather gentle with her so far but today she texted me that she can't believe this is true because they had so many things in common. I replied to her that he is a criminal and a misogynist and I don't know what they had in common but that's a pretty big gap to bridge. I feel that I am losing my patience and will be even more blunt if she continues like this.

[Catothecat]

That is indeed disturbing, brokenglass, and your efforts seem to have fallen on deaf ears.  What I find interesting is that she tells you of all these instances, clearly knows what he's been up to, yet despite her knowledge makes a complete turn around and says she can't believe it.  She can't believe it because she doesn't want to.  She's trying to maintain her image of the relationship, and doing so at all costs including to herself.  Saying they had so much in common when apparently they didn't indicates how desperate she is to find reasons to stay with him.  Why she's doing this is something only she can say.  You can be supportive of positive decisions and actions she makes, but otherwise your role will likely be limited until she decides to figure herself out.

Next time she comes to you with her issues with him, I'd ask why she's telling me all this stuff when it doesn't seem she really wants to do anything about it?  Is she serious or isn't she?  Otherwise it's just the same story told over and over.

And I don't think her ethics are actually in play here.  She probably knows perfectly well who he is--if he was someone else.   For him, she's willing to put any ethical concerns on hold.  It may reflect poorly on her, but she's not seeing that, either.
     

[walking on broken glass]

For him, she's willing to put any ethical concerns on hold.  It may reflect poorly on her, but she's not seeing that, either.

This spot on, Catothecat. She is building a narrative around the uncomfortable issues which has become her reality. He is a 'sex addict' and he needs help; he paid for sex but didn't have an affair which means their relationship was real; it might be just the stuff that she discovered and no more. I challenge her and sometimes she agrees with me or keeps silent. But she mostly tries to find grounds for excuse.

The latest development is that she texted him that she wants the flat to herself to pack her things up and he immediately agreed and left. She now says she will take her time because she has a lot of stuff to pack and she does not want to leave the city. She also brought up that she is thinking of calling him to hash it out with him, and she asked me if I think that he may be willing to tell her the truth, since they are breaking up and he has nothing to lose. I honestly think that if he apologized and begged her to stay, she would. I don't think he will, which is really fortunate for my friend. I feel I have said what I needed to say and I will be now following ths situation from afar.