She stays

[hhaw]

Dinner last night with a neighbor, recently moved to retirement home.  I miss her, bc she was the one nice neighbor on my street, and now she's gone.

Last time we had dinner, I was championing both our villain eras...and she thought it was mad funny.

Last night....she understood completely, bc she fell off her edge, and came up against her wall, made of a completely dependent husband, suffering from Parkinson's....5-7 diaper changes daily...and she has bad rheumatoid arthritis....and two adopted 7,yo grandsons....one, who's birth mother was 14yo and SA'd by a
FOO member. Who the f thinks forcing children to have incest babies is a good fackin idea, ffs,?!?! Anyhoo, the 7yo child, born of that union, is very big for his age...with serious mental illness.  His mother's had to call the police many times, to control him.  My friend babysits both boys, one day a week, while caring for her dh. How, in the world, will my friend learn to set boundaries and care for herself....to keep going? The T is helping, but.... it's not enough.  I can SEE.... it's not gonna be enough.

Not gonna lie..... she's been a saint....until she found herself hating everyone.  Couldn't stand the sight or sound of any of them, bc she'd given everything away, including herself.  She couldn't pretend to be who'd she'd been. She'd hit her wall.

She called a therapist, who asked to call her doctor.  A prescription was written, of course.  Her dh started doing things, he can do, for himself.....and has shown some compassion for her plight, instead of barking orders for every single thing....as was his habit.  We commiserated over caretaking, and the details of slow passing seconds holding spit bowls and.....
::sigh::.
We tried not to feel guilty about saying it out loud.  We tried to SEE ourselves, through each other's eyes, and filters.  Honestly, if she weren't an actual saint, maybe she'd run away to an island and look for pirates.

The end of dinner, she decided she'd pay for respite care,and go visit her family on her own.  Her eyes were shiny...she looked so giddy....the thought of having that break....all to herself...was hope.

All she has to do is set up a real bed, for the hired respite worker, and she can go. I texted ideas....borrow a single bed from a neighbor, or I could give her one I'm not using....
but....
she said her dh decided he would go with her. 

I'm crestfallen for her.....and....I wonder what's going to happen when she breaks down mentally AND physically, at the same time.  She had heart trouble last year, and her DIL had to handle the care for the dh while she was in hospital.  Now....the DIL can't handle her own 7 yo sons....she can't help at all.  She needs help.

This year, it was just a mental breakdown for my friend.

It's weird how there can be a touchstone moment....then processing/healing.... like the click of a camera shutter...a compassionate witness is such a powerful balm.

I can't picture her day to day life, in this moment.  I can't bring myself to imagine her upcoming "vacation." She was so happy about her solo trip to see her children and grandchildren....a 14hour drive.

At least she feels seen by her dh....now.  It'll take a while longer, to drive her completely into the sand, like a beach donkey.

So....villain era, or she'll go down in flames. She has to learn to say NO, and hold her boundaries.  She has to stop giving everything away, including herself. Will see if she can....she might not be able to. I think she understands that.

So many times I've wanted to snatch, women I love, OUT of situations ....make them safe ...heal them, protect them. I've heard friends, who love me, say the same thing about me.

Men just go....when it gets hard, or not as fun....but IME women are trapped, or feel trapped, and stay and stay.  Duty. A Judge says. Obligation. Guilt.  This man has ruled through anger and cruelty....and still....now that he can't raise his voice, or catch her....she stays.

And.....she's 74yo, and in pain...with heart trouble.  Her dh's 78yo dh's father
lived
to
104yo.

What's the plan?  Work her to death, yes yes yes.  We already knew that one. 

Then what?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Gosh, Hhaw, there is so much to your dear friend's story. Just reading it makes me want to reach out to her and tell her, "leave, leave, go now and take that trip to visit your family and leave your dh in respite care ... leave the kids too ... save yourself." 
       
Then I know we cannot save someone from the conditions in their own life. We ourselves could go down trying. I have been thinking lately that maybe the conditions someone else creates in their life is about a journey they must take, and it is not our story. 
   
Where does it end for us? I suppose we need to have boundaries too. The ripple effects can reach far and wide. 
   
With others I knew in similar situations, I felt like they found just enough support from my listening ear to put enough gas in their tank to keep muddling through without changing one darn thing. It is hard to wrap your head around and hard to see. 
     
I wish I had something great to say. I am glad you have this friendship and have had each other. I am sure you have given her more comfort than you know just being you.