Lying, Manipulation, Controlling behavior to the Scapegoat

[ridethewaves]

I can't take it anymore. What is the deal with all the lying and manipulation going on with these people? And when I try to clearly point out that I didn't say what I am told that someone said that I said, I am not believed.

I am the family scapegoat. The second I try to stand up for myself, I am accused of "being difficult, demanding, and causing everyone stress." I've had it. I'm done with just going along with all the craziness, putting up with it, being shut down the second I try to communicate my feelings. It's been a lifetime of this nonsense and I'm just done.

How do other scapegoats get past all this b.s. and stand strong on your own two feet?

The sky is blue, and I've known my whole entire life that the sky is blue, and I won't have anyone scream at me that the sky is any other color, or tell me that I'm crazy for thinking that the sky is blue, or that I'm causing stress because I'm saying that the sky is blue, or that of course it's blue but that I said it was another color to someone else, and then not be believed when I say that that is incorrect, I never said that.

Do you all know what I mean?

[SerenityCat]

ridethewaves, I definitely can relate.

I'm the family scapegoat. I had to go NC (no contact) with most of family for my own well being.

I'm in limited email contact with one sibling and I keep our communication now light and superficial. If they ever are abusive I will cut off contact.

For me personally, the only way I could get past all the b.s. and stand strong on my own two feet is to stay completely away from abusive people. I no longer entertain the b.s. I don't engage.

I'm in my 60s. My family has been a source of abuse and anxiety all my life. I've finally given myself the wonderful gift of No Contact.

[Gaining Clarity]

I also can relate. I'm the scapegoat in my FOO too.

I finally realized that no matter how hard I tried to reason with them, I achieved nothing but frustration (and am sure a perverse satisfaction for them). Even witnesses and physical evidence aren't enough to thwart their tactics. I liken it to spinning one's car tires in a big pile of mud. The more you press down on the gas pedal, the deeper you sink in the muck.

I also believe they want you to react - get frustrated, break down or get mad - so that it reinforces their misguided (warped) belief that you are unstable and/or bad.

The best thing I did prior to going NC was drop the rope. I stopped responding to this nonsense altogether. No response. No reaction in anyway, shape or form. I completely acted unperturbed. If they stepped up the abusive tactics, I would shut it down with "You are not allowed to speak to me that way." Then I'd leave, end the call, block them, etc.

For your own well being, I wouldn't respond or react. If you must engage with them, rely on some of the tools available at this site like the grey rock method. Take care of yourself, ridethewaves

[StayWithMe]

You could try agreeing with them:  You're stupid.  You're right, I am.  That's why I can't help you.

Or you could project:  You're so difficult.  And here I was thinking the same thing about you.

[Summer Sun]

Ridethewaves, we all have our breaking point, sometimes, we also breakdown. Or, an Aha Moment arrives.  Or, Last straw is thrust upon us.  Or an Awakening.  Enlightenment.  Because the veil of denial finally drops.  Realizations.  Like your own. "No matter how hard you reason, you achieve nothing other than frustration."  Could have written that one myself.

Yup.  They want you to react.  Provides fuel.  Any words you serve, well intended, can be sliced, diced to be reinvented into a dish unrecognizable, one they can serve to anyone else too who will listen.  etc.

You ask how other SG's get through.  IME, coming out of denial. the realization of my role, my purpose, and the deep pain of facing this truth took me time to process.  I understood, at an intuitive level, the futility, and, given my knowledge, the Broader impact if I chose NC.  How does one swallow abandonment, rejection, exclusion, relational loss, betrayal, isolation and perhaps more importantly, loss of hope?  Loss of hope for restoration.  For Acceptance.  For A place at the table. For A sense of FOO belonging.

I can only say that for me, the pain of the abuse and cognizance of the futility of my FOO situation became something I needed to grieve, let go, and then pick up the remnants of my dignity, humanity and press on to discover my purpose.  Without them.  I needed to surround myself with safe places, people, activities.  Self nurture etc.

While I wish things could be other than they are... I alone cannot achieve, nor will others, to treat me with the respect, love, acceptance and kindness which I've offered and they've received from me. 

Wishing you strength, wisdom, support, kindness and love for the journey.

Summer Sun

[Maz]

I know this situation so well. I'm so sorry your going through this. It's really hard to manage. My only way to cope with this is to cut all contact. This is a common pattern in my family with my BPD sister as she is the golden child. My NPDF thinks the sun shines out of her backside.  . Remember it's not you, you can prove them wrong with facts and figures and they still won't have it. Me and my partner now have a little bet as yo what the next move will be and unfortunately it's usually correct.

Hope your ok.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Im there also.  I have been almost 3 years no contact with my entire FOO.   In reading everyone's responses here I see the same thing popping up.....No Contact.  Honestly, I think that's really all that we scapegoats can do to save ourselves.  I tell myself now, if in the first 40 years they all seemed to "dislike" me, then what can I do in the 40 to make them like me???  NOTHING.  So that is what I and many others are choosing to do, NOTHING.  It feels good!

[Tricia64]

I am the scapegoat also.  I have just started coming to this realization.  And it is truly an awful hard one.

I actually don't have anyone at all in my life.  My husband died a little over two years ago.  I have been reclusive because of depression.  And now without my family, I am basically alone.

I go NC but then get so lonely I call my sisters and the whole thing repeats.

But I have been alone almost all holidays in the last two years.  I tried to call the day before the Fourth and not one person called me back.  I have 3 sisters, brother, brother in law, niece and nephew and not one call to even see if I am alright.  I am so beyond hurt.  But I am trying to look at the fact that it is what it is.  Again, it is a horrible pill to swallow but I don't want to let it break me.  It is so hard to believe that your own family can act this way.  I just try to take it day to day.  I hate to say this, but whatever happens, I will never forget how badly they have treated me at a time I needed them most.  I actually wish I could forget.  I wish so much it wasn't like this.

For all people that know the pain of being the scapegoat, I wish you all the best. 

[SerenityCat]

Tricia64 

I hope that you reach out for some therapy to support you as you go through grieving and depression. I hope that you also get a physical medical check up to make sure nothing is going awry there. There is help available. Sometimes meds can help also for depression.

Being the family scapegoat can be traumatic, I am one myself. I've tended to become reclusive during life stress and have had to slowly force myself to socialize a little and learn to take better care of myself. Professional talk therapy helped along with a short course of meds. I make myself get out for exercise and friendly interaction. If need be I'd join various groups of interest, faith community, support group, bird watching, volunteer at a charity - anything that got me out with people again.

to all us scapegoats. Perhaps the best revenge we can find is to live well. We deserve good lives.