Left relationship with a narcissist yesterday - looking for support

[saltactivity0]

I broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend yesterday morning.

I met this boy a year and a half ago, and he so perfect I almost couldn't believe it. He made me feel so cool and fun. After 6 months of seeing each other, I found out that he had sex with his ex girlfriend. In my eyes, that was the first troublesome behavior he had exhibited, so I decided to give him another chance, mostly because he told me that that incident made him realize that he loved me. In hindsight, his narcissistic behaviors had already begun to show themselves; but only when he was too drunk to be careful. One night I wanted to cuddle, and he told me that I'd have to do twenty push-ups. He was being really difficult, and started "play" smacking me, or what he called "bopping". It was never hard, but I still didn't like it.  I told him I saw that behavior as manipulative, but he told me that I need to lighten up and that he's just messing around. I'd never been in a relationship before, so I told myself that was normal. We went to our different universities and planned on not talking. Very quickly into the year, he didn't abide by that rule. He would cry to me about how he feels like a terrible person for doing that to his ex girlfriend - leading her on. I would tell him that it was too much for me to hear but he didn't care. We would come to see one another, and talk every single day. When I visited him at school, I found out that he had sex with another girl a few times. I felt so betrayed; I was putting up with him talking about things that hurt my feelings to make him feel better, and he repeated me by having sex with another person. I got very angry with him, and he managed to turn the whole thing around on me, and I ended up apologizing for getting that angry.

Soon after, I started receiving gifts from him. Expensive things. Little did I know that anytime I expressed any apprehension in our relationship, these gifts would be used against me. That he's wasted not only time, but also money on me. Then the constant judgment started creeping in. He would ask me if I was really going to wear that, or tell me I need to be more lady like, that I need to "try harder" to look good for him. That all of his friends work out, so I should too. He only wanted to surround himself he viewed as "high caliber" people. I also found myself doing basically everything for him - job applications, school work, communicating with his friends and family for him. The only time he would do things for me is, for example, when he made an exercise plan for me.

He would also talk about himself constantly, putting others down. Then he started to do it to me. All the things he used to compliment me for began to be ridiculed, and he made fun of my life choices that I was personally very proud of. He put down my friends, my college major, my experiences, where I lived, and even my family. When I asked him why he did that, he always brushed it off. He also started to cause a lot of problems with my family because he was always expected to be the priority, and my family ended up being placed second. If I told him I was hanging out with my sister and that's why I couldn't talk or hang out, he'd get angry with me. He'd tell me that he needed me, and guilt me for not being there with him. After 2 weeks of living with him while my sister at my home had COVID (I have respiratory issues), I had finally had enough and told him I was going to stay with my other sister. He panicked, and proceeded to harass me the entire day when he knew I hadn't seen my sister in a month. He then blamed missing a business call on me, saying that he was crying too hard to make the call because I was being mean.

One night while I was helping with job applications, he was snapping at me constantly, and I had enough. I told him I was going home, and he panicked. We played tug of war with my backpack, and he blocked me from the doorway. When I was able to get free, I started having a panic attack and he said "great, you're just going to start using panic attacks to your advantage" (I had one the day prior). I told him I was leaving him, and he convinced me for five hours not to. He admitted his mistreatment of me was because he's insecure and jealous of me.
I thought he would surely change because now he's aware of it. But he didn't change. He still snapped at me a lot for really silly things, got upset at me for expressing my opinions, and still put me down a lot. When I'm really upset and those wounds are cut deeper, I have a really hard time telling him that I love him. He can feel this, and starts getting panicked and bombards me with I love yous, which makes me want to pull away even harder. Actually, I generally almost even feel guilty telling him I love him. I felt guilty after I sleep with him, and feel grossed out that I've let someone who has treated me that way have sex with me. I secretly hoped that he'd do something really bad so that I had the chance to break up with him again - I'm actually really frustrated I gave him another chance after the incident. Then I realized I didn't need such a clear-cut incident. After we got into an argument because I calmly asked him why he never posted anything of me, his reaction was telling. I had slipped into this pattern where anytime we had a disagreement, I would just shut down entirely. I don't even want to rectify the problem, and whenever he gives me an ultimatum I'm secretly hoping he'll break up with me. I used to always just want to be good with him.

2 nights ago, I was literally squirming on facetime with him because I wanted to get off the phone with him so badly. I wanted him to leave me alone, to never speak to me again. I woke up in the morning and knew the only way the breakup would be permanent is if I did it over text, and blocked him after. He hasn't tried to contact me in any other way, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't unsettle me. I think I feel really guilty about blocking him. Before I blocked him, I exchanged a few texts, where he made it all about our future together and how promising it is. Or how much he loves me. I'm very close with his family, and fear that they'll hate me, that they'll think I'm cruel to their son. Since I did that yesterday morning, I've had a lot of anxiety. I feel restless and sad. I know that my feelings even changed, and that not only could I be in a relationship where I suffered that abuse, but also one where I couldn't tell him I loved him without feeling ashamed, or without squirming.

Does anyone have any tips?

[Boat Babe]

Heya, well done for seeing an abusive relationship for what it is, or now was.

Please read up on No Contact, Hoovers and Trauma Bonds. You will undoubtedly be hoovered, and because of trauma bonding you will be vulnerable to going back. This is the worse thing you could do in your current circumstances and he will only become more abusive after a brief honeymoon period. You know that.

Use this time to start working on yourself.  Think yourself lucky that you never moved in with him or had a child with him. You are free to rebuild your life and move on.

It gets better ❤️❤️❤️

[Spygirl]

You are a VERY smart girl. So happy you see so clearly what many of us did not until years of abuse later. You may feel restless and sad because you have been conditioned to need alot of drama going on, and now there is none. Tjat will pass. Its like kicking heroin. You have to get thru the withdrawls. After a month of no contact, you'll wonder why you did not leaVe sooner.

[Free2Bme]

saltactivity~

I am so very sorry for how you were treated.  You are incredibly strong and more healthy than you may realize.  I would encourage you to think about where you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years if you can.  Healthy relationships can grow over the years, abusive relationships only become more abusive.  I think you have dodged a bullet with this guy. 

What you describe sounds like something I have written about during my first year with my updxh, I mean almost exactly.  Unfortunately, I would rationalize some of my ex's behaviors and reluctantly agreed to marry him, then we moved in together.  He began to pressure me to plan the wedding while going back/forth between tearing me down and building me up.  In hindsight, all of these things were chess moves to get me to a place of dependency upon him. I believe my updxh thought that the more intertwined and dependent I was on him, the less likely I would wise up and leave.  I am free now but lost 25 years of my life being his prisoner. 

If you go back, he will ramp it up to secure you and make sure you don't try to leave again.  Find support from people that you trust and surround yourself with them.  Stay in touch on this sight too.

...take care

[Jsinjin]

I am so sorry to learn about how you were treated.   I'm also glad you have stood up for yourself.   First, I recommend reading up on hoe to not JADE which is justify, argue, defend or explain.   It's a strong set of language that helps to set boundaries.   Next, read up on the basics of boundaries.    For example, you can set a boundary that says "I do not want to speak to you about a relationship or engage with you outside of family social engagements ever again and this is a boundary for me, I expect you to respect it.".   Then if he tries to engage state "I will not discuss this, it is a boundary." Another example is that you can say to someone, I am blocking your calls, texts, emails and not engaging with you, do not contact me anymore" and you can out that in writing in an email.   

These are strong steps and if you feel you need to close this relationship because it is unhealthy and he is displaying narcissistic tendencies then they can be very powerful.   You should expect an individual with a PD to attempt to maintain contact or control over the engagement which is why not JADE ing and setting boundaries is helpful to you.

These are just suggestions but I have found them helpful in the past and I believe they are some of the foundations of the principles in Out of the FOG.

Thoughts and prayers!

Jsj