Gray Rocking After 1 Week - Will This Get Better?

[waterfalls]

I feel so silly because at times I still feel like I'm this little child...and when I don't respond or do what they want me to do it freaks me out and makes me feel afraid.  I know this sounds completely crazy, I do see that...but, I do feel like that little child pops up here and there to the point where I feel obligated to do what I should to keep them happy or okay.

I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on with being fake and pretending to care all about them, when they have no true care for me or my family.  I feel like they make me feel like I am being crazy...but, I know inside how they make me feel...

It feels like this is a cycle that goes something like this....(her talking about what they are doing and what is happening in their life + complaining) ---> asking me if I am ok --------> repeat daily.  However, if I break this cycle, I don't give the acknowledgement, I get off the wall questions...guilt for not being talkative and being pretty quiet....and the sorry if I made you mad...

I want more boundaries I feel, but I don't feel like I should have to say or explain my actions.

I feel like in my childhood if I didn't do what they wanted, if I didn't act like they wanted...I was in trouble...

So, when I break off the path ...when I keep my distance and I barely talk, I get this fearful feeling that I'm going to get in trouble...I know this sounds completely crazy, but this is how I do feel.  It is hard to explain.

Oh my gosh, makingachange. I so know and understand how you feel. The things above which you wrote, I could have written them myself. I often feel like a little kid (even though I'm in my late-40s) and feel that if I don't check in on my mother by calling her everyday, it's going to be bad for me, like I'm going to get in trouble. Setting boundaries is soooo difficult, especially when you want to keep contact but want and need to have your space to keep your own sanity.

I'm still trying to figure things myself, so I'm not the best person to give advice; the others have given you a lot of good tips. If it means anything, you're definitely not alone in going through this with a parent and you're not crazy. Many hugs to you! 

[makingachange]

makingachange,

I think that you take it minute by minute, day by day, with a few things at the forefront of your mind. You have survived some very hard things and now it's time to heal. You are not backing away to hurt anyone. You are backing away because you know deep inside that you cannot recover by engaging in old dysfunction that rips off the bandage and gouges at the wound. And then you tell yourself it is okay if your mother feels bad. It's not your fault or your job to ease her feelings anymore.

Once you really get onside with yourself and know the purpose is for you to heal, then you will begin to heal. And I honestly believe that with this you must feel for yourself much compassion and love - for that child self that was not offered the loving view of who she was.

I call it bad a$$ self-respect.  As soon as I started feeling that, I began to heal.

Thank you so much on this!  Yes, taking it moment by moment and day by day is huge!  It's a lot of processing right now...but, I think this will work out for my highest good in the end.  <3

[makingachange]

I feel so silly because at times I still feel like I'm this little child...and when I don't respond or do what they want me to do it freaks me out and makes me feel afraid.  I know this sounds completely crazy, I do see that...but, I do feel like that little child pops up here and there to the point where I feel obligated to do what I should to keep them happy or okay.

I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on with being fake and pretending to care all about them, when they have no true care for me or my family.  I feel like they make me feel like I am being crazy...but, I know inside how they make me feel...

It feels like this is a cycle that goes something like this....(her talking about what they are doing and what is happening in their life + complaining) ---> asking me if I am ok --------> repeat daily.  However, if I break this cycle, I don't give the acknowledgement, I get off the wall questions...guilt for not being talkative and being pretty quiet....and the sorry if I made you mad...

I want more boundaries I feel, but I don't feel like I should have to say or explain my actions.

I feel like in my childhood if I didn't do what they wanted, if I didn't act like they wanted...I was in trouble...

So, when I break off the path ...when I keep my distance and I barely talk, I get this fearful feeling that I'm going to get in trouble...I know this sounds completely crazy, but this is how I do feel.  It is hard to explain.

Oh my gosh, makingachange. I so know and understand how you feel. The things above which you wrote, I could have written them myself. I often feel like a little kid (even though I'm in my late-40s) and feel that if I don't check in on my mother by calling her everyday, it's going to be bad for me, like I'm going to get in trouble. Setting boundaries is soooo difficult, especially when you want to keep contact but want and need to have your space to keep your own sanity.

I'm still trying to figure things myself, so I'm not the best person to give advice; the others have given you a lot of good tips. If it means anything, you're definitely not alone in going through this with a parent and you're not crazy. Many hugs to you! 

Thank you so very much for your insight...and helping me to feel like I'm not crazy!  Haha...I tend to question myself over and over on that.  Basically after blowing up on me, has led to a ST.  I feel that this has changed a lot of things for me...and I feel that NC or VLC is what this is going to be turning into at this point...for my own health and sanity!

I am so sorry you are going through this as well!  I know, right...if you don't do what they want you to do it is bad news!!  It's really crazy plus stressful!  <3

Thank you again for sharing!  I'm always here as well if you need any feedback, etc.  <3 <3 <3 I am thankful to have found this forum, everyone has been so kind and helpful!