Gray Rocking After 1 Week - Will This Get Better?

[makingachange]

Hi Everyone!  I hope you are all doing well. <3


There has been a ton of stress in my relationship with my parents.  We only text at this time, and it is my Mother who I am in contact with.  It was up to me to call them...they refuse to call me...so, I just stopped calling, and now we are at text only.

Because it feels like our texts are always about what they are doing and what is happening with them plus the complaining etc., I feel worn out, irritated, and overwhelmed by these daily messages.

I have basically pulled back over the last several months, but in the last week decided for my own sanity and health to go gray rock. 

I honestly didn't think it would be noticed...but, I was completely wrong!

It started  out with, "Oh I miss you so much...can you call us?" ...etc. 

I've actually been called out on it a couple times in this week...saying things like..."we never hear from you much anymore...are you ok?"  and the "never get to talk to you anymore...it is what it is."

Then after these tactics didn't get me to respond apparently the way they wanted me to...started asking me bizarre questions ...and it feels like these questions are just to see what is happening with me...like, does my DH have job....and other strange personal questions.  It feels like (they think) something is wrong in my life, and my life couldn't honestly be better...or they think something is just wrong with me that is causing me to be "gray rock".

My Mother expects to hear from me everyday...and when she doesn't hear from me, sends more messages questioning if I am okay along with the occasional guilt trip.  If I do not respond within 1 - 2 hours it is usually another text message...sometimes not even 30 minutes for me to reply...depends on the day.

If I choose not to reply within her time table, she has to send message to DH asking about me...

I am not sleeping at night ...wake up in the middle of the night wide awake...I dread the messages...and I feel like I am missing out on my own life, because I'm so focused on how will I handle today's round of messages.

I know a lot of people are NC, but, I really hate to do that at this point, and was hoping that the gray rock would help with this situation... I'm curious if anyone has any advice for me on this and how to handle this situation.  I feel if I have to explain myself, it will only lead to bigger issues and more guilt trips.  I would love to hear any insight, suggestions, or advice ...I truly appreciate your input!!  =)

[FromTheSwamp]

You pulled back abruptly, and it was obvious.  You can keep on with that, and hope they get used to it, or you can try pulling back more slowly, so it's not so obvious.

One trick I have is to text at length about something going on that I don't really care about, so I will be less likely to be triggered by inappropriate responses.  Pick an old interest of yours, like knitting, that you know something about, and go on and on about it in boring detail like it's the most important thing in the world to you.  Not all at once, drag it out over weeks. 

Also, complain about stupid stuff.  If they start complaining, say, Me too!  I've got this bunion starting and it's just awful!  Oh, and the neighbor with the revving his engine! Have some fun with it.  Just don't talk about the stuff that's actually bothering you.  Like, ever. 

[makingachange]

You pulled back abruptly, and it was obvious.  You can keep on with that, and hope they get used to it, or you can try pulling back more slowly, so it's not so obvious.

One trick I have is to text at length about something going on that I don't really care about, so I will be less likely to be triggered by inappropriate responses.  Pick an old interest of yours, like knitting, that you know something about, and go on and on about it in boring detail like it's the most important thing in the world to you.  Not all at once, drag it out over weeks. 

Also, complain about stupid stuff.  If they start complaining, say, Me too!  I've got this bunion starting and it's just awful!  Oh, and the neighbor with the revving his engine! Have some fun with it.  Just don't talk about the stuff that's actually bothering you.  Like, ever.

Hi there!

Thank you so much for your feedback...I did want to clarify a little or explain to you more of what I have done...

It has not been that I just pulled back in 1 week...I have not talked to them on the phone for about 4 months, and all text messages that they do send me revolves all around them that it was only me giving them praise...being interested in what they are up to...

It has only been this 1 week that I have not given them that praise nearly as much...and I have started the gray rock method.  For the past 4 months I guess you could say I have been doing a version of the gray rock in that I don't really tell them exactly what I am doing...and I only gave them praise and attention.  Now, I'm not giving that praise to them and acknowledgement, and this is where I am seeing the big shift ...like they all of a sudden see it. 

I hope this clarifies ....so no, I didn't just go gray rock all in one week...this has been going on for months, it is just in this 1 week that I have pulled back with the praise and the ongoing acknowledgement that they search for.  <3

[Andeza]

The vending machine stopped giving out endless affirmations and reassurances, and it stopped accepting endless complaints and whining as payment. Oh gosh! Something must be wrong with the vending machine! Better start kicking it, and hard, so it starts working again!

... I mean it though. With disordered parents we are not unique individuals with our own lives and interests. We are vending machines left to sit and run, day and night, cold or hot, ignored until needed. And heaven forbid we don't work when they want us to. Every line your mother just used is a guilt tactic to "kick" you back into your place. Work darn it! That's what that really means. Keep that in the back of your head as you see these messages. To pursue MC, you can respond with "Oh, the usual, just busy." Or some variation thereof. And those are complete sentences not followed up by "We have been doing this and that and another." The this that and another only fuel the disorder and become weaponized at a later date in my experience. So, the easy answer, don't explain yourself. You're an adult and no longer owe your parents any explanations for your actions.

If you had a healthy relationship with them to begin with, it might be different, but this doesn't sound healthy. In fact, it sounds like they've become a source of stress for you that is negatively affecting your day-to-day life. Please spend some time sitting with this fact, exploring it, and deciding what level of contact is appropriate for you. Your health is more important than their anger, or discomfort, etc. You are more important. You might want to look in the mirror and say it a few times. It helps. It really does.

Many of us are NC, it's true. I'm one. I needed to put my mental health and healing first so that I could be a better person.

[carrots]

makingachange, I'm VLC (very low contact) instead of NC.
I define what VLC is, it's the amount and type of contact I feel comfortable with, not the amount and type somebody else wants.

It wasn't easy for me at all, it's taken me a long time. FOO still sends Flying Monkeys etc but they grudgingly accept my limits about direct contact with me, more or less. ime it all gets better bit by bit as you take necessary healing steps. 

[FromTheSwamp]

Thanks for the clarification.  It does sound like it's specifically the praise they are missing.  I've noticed with narcissists in particular but other PDs as well, that they want praise so badly that it doesn't in any way need to be genuine. The thicker you lay it on the better they like it.  Whereas most people would see that as insincere immediately. 

My advice before is based on my own experience.  It was so painful for me not to feel seen by my parents.  I kept trying to find a way to make them see me as a person with feelings who they cared about.  I finally -finally!- was able to see that this was not possible.  It was a slow process, but I learned to not share my genuine self with them (what I was getting at in my original rather flippant message).  I still didn't feel seen, but I didn't have the extra pain of letting them see my feelings and then stomp all over them. 

So if you do want to remain in some sort of contact, you now know what they are trying to get from you (praise), and you can decide how much of that you are willing to give.  You can try letting go of the idea that you need to be sincere in your praise, since they probably won't really notice, and praise them anyway, and see how that feels.  For me, this feels super gross, but sometimes it's easier than the alternative of dealing with the tantrums.  If I keep firmly in mind that it's a tool, and not real, it does help.  And I've definitely weaned them off of getting so much of it from me, so there is hope. 

The main thing for me was to disengage myself emotionally as much as I could.  I think that's why others here have given their parents cartoon villain names - it's that touch of silliness that puts you at a bit of a remove from them. 

I always knew I was afraid of one of my parents.  But one day I really truly recognized the bone deep terror I felt at the idea that the other parent was mad at me (pretty much always the case).  And weirdly, just accepting that I felt that terror, that it was a real thing, allowed me to feel less of it.   

But yes, I still jump when I hear the text tone.

[Hepatica]

makingachange, good for you that you are taking care of you!! Let's put this behaviour of your Mom's into perspective.

I doubt that even in a healthy relationship between married or long-term couples that they text each other numerous times per day!! Maybe in the honeymoon phase they might, but even then, it's not necessarily a good sign. That kind of thing can be a red flag. It's a sign of control and extreme insecurity and perhaps boredom and unhappiness. You are getting some more information about your mother and I know it can be uncomfortable.

When you first move to low contact it can feel strange and unnerving. These feelings will pass as you adjust. Keep to your plan. It gets easier and it is a very healthy act of self-care. That is a good thing!

The more you set boundaries with toxic people, the more you see how toxic they are. That's the uncomfortable awakening process. Toxic people don't seem to like boundaries. In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected and honoured.

If you think she is PD and/or toxic you will probably see more toxic behaviour in the future. Be prepared for it.

But as I say, keep to your plan. I'm a mom and I do not text my child multiple times a day. I wouldn't even think of putting that kind of pressure on him. It's very selfish behaviour.

[makingachange]

The vending machine stopped giving out endless affirmations and reassurances, and it stopped accepting endless complaints and whining as payment. Oh gosh! Something must be wrong with the vending machine! Better start kicking it, and hard, so it starts working again!

... I mean it though. With disordered parents we are not unique individuals with our own lives and interests. We are vending machines left to sit and run, day and night, cold or hot, ignored until needed. And heaven forbid we don't work when they want us to. Every line your mother just used is a guilt tactic to "kick" you back into your place. Work darn it! That's what that really means. Keep that in the back of your head as you see these messages. To pursue MC, you can respond with "Oh, the usual, just busy." Or some variation thereof. And those are complete sentences not followed up by "We have been doing this and that and another." The this that and another only fuel the disorder and become weaponized at a later date in my experience. So, the easy answer, don't explain yourself. You're an adult and no longer owe your parents any explanations for your actions.

If you had a healthy relationship with them to begin with, it might be different, but this doesn't sound healthy. In fact, it sounds like they've become a source of stress for you that is negatively affecting your day-to-day life. Please spend some time sitting with this fact, exploring it, and deciding what level of contact is appropriate for you. Your health is more important than their anger, or discomfort, etc. You are more important. You might want to look in the mirror and say it a few times. It helps. It really does.

Many of us are NC, it's true. I'm one. I needed to put my mental health and healing first so that I could be a better person.

First off, I really want to thank you so much for your insight.  It means a lot to me, and has helped me realize and see that I do need to work on taking better care of myself no matter what this entails going forward.  <3

So yesterday, I felt completely drained...I mean this has seriously been stressing me out to the max.  When I got the messages as I do daily, I was so done I just didn't respond to any of them.  I ended up saying one little thing, but that was it.

Now this morning, I end up getting another message with a random question, and when I didn't answer that, a couple hours later she says something to the effect of, I'm sorry for anything I may have done to you...saying that I seem mad, and never meant to do that.

I basically have pulled back to very LC and the contact is very minimal.  I guess it is the constant acknowledgement and the weird comments ...the lies...and this connection feeling so fake...like I seriously do not feel the love really...that has made me pull back so much...and now I feel even more overwhelmed with the guilt messages...and the "sorry" message...that I feel clueless on what to do going forward.  Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to explain how I feel, but now, I don't even know what to say. 

In your opinion what do you think I should do?  I feel so silly because at times I still feel like I'm this little child...and when I don't respond or do what they want me to do it freaks me out and makes me feel afraid.  I know this sounds completely crazy, I do see that...but, I do feel like that little child pops up here and there to the point where I feel obligated to do what I should to keep them happy or okay.

I honestly do not feel like I can keep going on with being fake and pretending to care all about them, when they have no true care for me or my family.  I feel like they make me feel like I am being crazy...but, I know inside how they make me feel.  I can't help but feel that all they care about is themselves and the pity parties they want to have.  I have an infant that they never ask about...and other children that are just nothing to them...I have my own business where they shrug at it and ask if my client's are just people who don't have a life...it's the feeling of talking to her in person previously or even on the phone back then where she mentally checks out...or is pretending to not hear me...switching the conversation when I'm trying to talk to something else all of a sudden...like what I am saying doesn't mean anything...to the point I just get up and walk out of the room...and the list goes on and on....

It feels like this is a cycle that goes something like this....(her talking about what they are doing and what is happening in their life + complaining) ---> asking me if I am ok --------> repeat daily.  However, if I break this cycle, I don't give the acknowledgement, I get off the wall questions...guilt for not being talkative and being pretty quiet....and the sorry if I made you mad.

Anyways,  I'm sorry for the long winded response!  I know I have to make some changes within myself and I know I have to find peace on this because I can't keep going on this way.  I want more boundaries I feel, but I don't feel like I should have to say or explain my actions.  But, again I am clueless on what to do now. 

Any insight or any observations would be appreciated.  Thank you so VERY much!!!!

[makingachange]

makingachange, I'm VLC (very low contact) instead of NC.
I define what VLC is, it's the amount and type of contact I feel comfortable with, not the amount and type somebody else wants.

It wasn't easy for me at all, it's taken me a long time. FOO still sends Flying Monkeys etc but they grudgingly accept my limits about direct contact with me, more or less. ime it all gets better bit by bit as you take necessary healing steps.

Thank you so much for your insight!  I really do appreciate it!  =)

Yes, I feel like I really need stronger boundaries here!

How did you create boundaries for yourself?  Did you explain them ...or just start doing it your way?

<3

[makingachange]

Thanks for the clarification.  It does sound like it's specifically the praise they are missing.  I've noticed with narcissists in particular but other PDs as well, that they want praise so badly that it doesn't in any way need to be genuine. The thicker you lay it on the better they like it.  Whereas most people would see that as insincere immediately. 

My advice before is based on my own experience.  It was so painful for me not to feel seen by my parents.  I kept trying to find a way to make them see me as a person with feelings who they cared about.  I finally -finally!- was able to see that this was not possible.  It was a slow process, but I learned to not share my genuine self with them (what I was getting at in my original rather flippant message).  I still didn't feel seen, but I didn't have the extra pain of letting them see my feelings and then stomp all over them. 

So if you do want to remain in some sort of contact, you now know what they are trying to get from you (praise), and you can decide how much of that you are willing to give.  You can try letting go of the idea that you need to be sincere in your praise, since they probably won't really notice, and praise them anyway, and see how that feels.  For me, this feels super gross, but sometimes it's easier than the alternative of dealing with the tantrums.  If I keep firmly in mind that it's a tool, and not real, it does help.  And I've definitely weaned them off of getting so much of it from me, so there is hope. 

The main thing for me was to disengage myself emotionally as much as I could.  I think that's why others here have given their parents cartoon villain names - it's that touch of silliness that puts you at a bit of a remove from them. 

I always knew I was afraid of one of my parents.  But one day I really truly recognized the bone deep terror I felt at the idea that the other parent was mad at me (pretty much always the case).  And weirdly, just accepting that I felt that terror, that it was a real thing, allowed me to feel less of it.   

But yes, I still jump when I hear the text tone.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me!  I really appreciate your insight and suggestions as well.  <3

Personally, I have given the praise for so long...that I feel like I am getting more tired of it lately...I just feel like it is so fake and it is hard to keep going with the praise, etc.

Yes, I agree with you on pulling disengaging emotionally, but I find it hard at times to do that...it is like this little child within me is still thinking..."oh!  But what if they get it together?!"  I have to realize this is just a pipe dream and I am not going to ever get the support, authentic love, or connection that I always wanted. 

I completely understand the feelings of fear...I am a grown woman, but still feel this little child inside that is scared to not go along with the show...It is hard to make a change...but, I honestly feel for my own sanity and my own life...I have to start making some changes...  <3

I hope you are having a great weekend!  =)

[makingachange]

makingachange, good for you that you are taking care of you!! Let's put this behaviour of your Mom's into perspective.

I doubt that even in a healthy relationship between married or long-term couples that they text each other numerous times per day!! Maybe in the honeymoon phase they might, but even then, it's not necessarily a good sign. That kind of thing can be a red flag. It's a sign of control and extreme insecurity and perhaps boredom and unhappiness. You are getting some more information about your mother and I know it can be uncomfortable.

When you first move to low contact it can feel strange and unnerving. These feelings will pass as you adjust. Keep to your plan. It gets easier and it is a very healthy act of self-care. That is a good thing!

The more you set boundaries with toxic people, the more you see how toxic they are. That's the uncomfortable awakening process. Toxic people don't seem to like boundaries. In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected and honoured.

If you think she is PD and/or toxic you will probably see more toxic behaviour in the future. Be prepared for it.

But as I say, keep to your plan. I'm a mom and I do not text my child multiple times a day. I wouldn't even think of putting that kind of pressure on him. It's very selfish behaviour.

Thank you so VERY much for you insight.  I do really appreciate it.  <3

I do feel that there is just something not right here with her...but, I can't help but question if it is just me.  I made a list of all the things that has happened to me from childhood into the recent times...and reading this list is honestly the only thing that keeps me saying, yes, something isn't right here.

I feel like in my childhood if I didn't do what they wanted, if I didn't act like they wanted...I was in trouble.  A lot of times I honestly did not know why I was even in trouble, and would ask what did I do wrong...but never had a full explanation, leaving me questioning what did I do.  I've been told as a child that I must honor and obey them, and when I misbehaved or whatever I did was told one day I would regret how I was behaving.

So, when I break off the path ...when I keep my distance and I barely talk, I get this fearful feeling that I'm going to get in trouble...I know this sounds completely crazy, but this is how I do feel.  It is hard to explain.

I basically didn't text back to yesterdays messages except one little thing...and in the last few days have been pretty quiet but will answer a couple of things...but very short responses. 

I get a message today that is an off the wall question....it feels like trying to see what I am doing...and then I didn't respond...a couple hours later get a message that sorry for anything I might have done...seems like I made you mad and I don't mean to do that.

So, I feel pretty clueless on what to do now...I that part of me feels like I shouldn't have to respond to that...but, part of me doesn't know how to proceed on this either.

I know this isn't healthy, and I know that I need to make some changes here...

I'd love to hear any insight on this or any opinions on how I should handle this.  I feel lost.

Thank you so much for reading this long winded answer...I do really appreciate your knowledge and experience.  <3

[FromTheSwamp]

I'd try replying with something like "I'm not mad, why would you think that? Sometimes I just don't have the energy for chatting"  And then throw in a few "Everything just seems extra tiring lately" and "There are just so many chores that pile up" whenever you get a chance in the next several weeks.  Make it sound like you're trudging along barely keeping your head above water. (Which to be fair, sounds pretty accurate)

And if you haven't already, turn off the text notifications for awhile.  You'll see the messages when you pick up your phone, there's no need to be constantly reminded. 

I've been in the place where my parents take up most of my bandwidth and it's horrible for my well-being.  When it's at that point you absolutely need to take a step back. 

[Spring Butterfly]

It sounds like you've landed at the same place I landed some time ago. The whole "we haven't heard from you thing" It's all about creating fog, fear obligation guilt, and you're not falling for it so good for you!

I'm here to tell you that yes it does get better -- for you, from your perspective, you get used to it. The nudge to create fear obligation guilt does nothing of the sort. With determination you hold strong, reclaim your power.

One thing that helped me was the book by Karol McBride "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" Because it's more or less a road map now that you reduced contact with the damaging behavior how to do the internal work needed to claim your power fully.

Putting the focus of my energy where it's needed, using tools like that book and the toolbox topic working on yourself helped me the most.

At different points in time I set or should I say reset the expectation. I was busy, busy doing what was of course the question that followed. I chose neutral things sometimes just generally busy, sometimes just busy around the house, sometimes busy in the garden you know just busy nothing dramatic. Gray rock. Medium chill. All. The. Way.

Was everything okay? Absolutely yes everything was great, couldn't be better, life was great. Always is, nope nothing wrong, no sickness, nothing dramatic happening here let's move along

You get the idea

I also put it right out there with things like hey if you don't hear from me the rest of the day I've got my phone set aside really got to focus busy busy busy

Maybe I'd reply to them the next day, sometimes late in the day like - oh hey I just got your message great Glad things are good for you and you're having a great day so am I

At one point I flat out told them during one especially dramatic Hoover attempt "hey if it's that bad you'll hear from the police because if I'm rolled over in a ditch I won't be answering your text anyway and someone will get in touch with you to let you know I'm dead"

Just a word of caution that one didn't go over too well but it got my point across. I was tired and worn out and didn't much care what they thought of that one. That was at my lowest point and I couldn't get any more worn out than I already was so I had nothing to lose

At this point it's been a couple years but no one reaches out unless I reach out to them just to say hey. It took a  while to get past the sting if being rejected. But I realized I can't have it both ways, I can't have them continuing to reach out to me while me pushing them away and in reality I had what I wanted they left me alone and I made peace with that

They put me in a no-win situation, in a choice between my peace and their peace, and I chose my peace

Here's to your choice and your healing and wishes for peace

[SparkStillLit]

THIS is what I need to learn!!!

[Lisa]

Making a change,

I can really relate to what you are saying here.  A few years ago when I was thickly in the fog, my mom would text, call and email on a daily basis.  At the time I was working as a first responder (obviously a hectic, demanding work environment), if I didn't answer her first call on my cell phone, she would block her number and call me on my work phone 

Thinking of this I can STILL feel the dread.  it was never enough, no matter how many emails, phone calls or texts happened in a day there was always still guilt around not enough communication, not enough time together.  It was exhausting.  I tried talking to her about my feelings and she would never listen and always became the victim.

Try your best not to respond to everything the say and when you do respond keep it short, simple and neutral.  Good luck, it is worth it!

[makingachange]

It sounds like you've landed at the same place I landed some time ago. The whole "we haven't heard from you thing" It's all about creating fog, fear obligation guilt, and you're not falling for it so good for you!

I'm here to tell you that yes it does get better -- for you, from your perspective, you get used to it. The nudge to create fear obligation guilt does nothing of the sort. With determination you hold strong, reclaim your power.

One thing that helped me was the book by Karol McBride "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" Because it's more or less a road map now that you reduced contact with the damaging behavior how to do the internal work needed to claim your power fully.

Putting the focus of my energy where it's needed, using tools like that book and the toolbox topic working on yourself helped me the most.

At different points in time I set or should I say reset the expectation. I was busy, busy doing what was of course the question that followed. I chose neutral things sometimes just generally busy, sometimes just busy around the house, sometimes busy in the garden you know just busy nothing dramatic. Gray rock. Medium chill. All. The. Way.

Was everything okay? Absolutely yes everything was great, couldn't be better, life was great. Always is, nope nothing wrong, no sickness, nothing dramatic happening here let's move along

You get the idea

I also put it right out there with things like hey if you don't hear from me the rest of the day I've got my phone set aside really got to focus busy busy busy

Maybe I'd reply to them the next day, sometimes late in the day like - oh hey I just got your message great Glad things are good for you and you're having a great day so am I

At one point I flat out told them during one especially dramatic Hoover attempt "hey if it's that bad you'll hear from the police because if I'm rolled over in a ditch I won't be answering your text anyway and someone will get in touch with you to let you know I'm dead"

Just a word of caution that one didn't go over too well but it got my point across. I was tired and worn out and didn't much care what they thought of that one. That was at my lowest point and I couldn't get any more worn out than I already was so I had nothing to lose

At this point it's been a couple years but no one reaches out unless I reach out to them just to say hey. It took a  while to get past the sting if being rejected. But I realized I can't have it both ways, I can't have them continuing to reach out to me while me pushing them away and in reality I had what I wanted they left me alone and I made peace with that

They put me in a no-win situation, in a choice between my peace and their peace, and I chose my peace

Here's to your choice and your healing and wishes for peace

Thank you so much for your insight and advice!  I really appreciate this!!

So, I have been being very mellow in what I say and quite precise.  When I got texted making what I felt like were demands meshed with a guilt trip, I said something very neutral=her not getting her way...she completely blew up on me.  Playing a pity party and getting pretty aggressive.  Left me speechless.   

I'm starting to realize that I can't make anyone else happy, I can't be responsible for their emotions/thoughts/feelings/and how they act.  I also can't change/fix them.

[makingachange]

Making a change,

I can really relate to what you are saying here.  A few years ago when I was thickly in the fog, my mom would text, call and email on a daily basis.  At the time I was working as a first responder (obviously a hectic, demanding work environment), if I didn't answer her first call on my cell phone, she would block her number and call me on my work phone 

Thinking of this I can STILL feel the dread.  it was never enough, no matter how many emails, phone calls or texts happened in a day there was always still guilt around not enough communication, not enough time together.  It was exhausting.  I tried talking to her about my feelings and she would never listen and always became the victim.

Try your best not to respond to everything the say and when you do respond keep it short, simple and neutral.  Good luck, it is worth it!

Yes!  I completely know what you are talking about regarding this!! 

Thank you so much for you advice/and personal story!

Thank you so much for your insight and advice!  I really appreciate this!!

I've been keeping texts light and neutral...straight to the point and not responding to everything.  I got a text with something that felt like a demand and minor guilt trip...I didn't fall into the demand and sent a pretty bland message back that I felt was a responsible adult answer  ...got several messages back blowing up on me with more guilt for I guess not responding or doing what she wanted me to do.  Now getting the silent treatment.   

I'm starting to realize that I can't make anyone else happy, I can't be responsible for their emotions/thoughts/feelings/and how they act.  I also can't change/fix them.

[Hepatica]

makingchange,

I'm sorry she's making it hard for you. Be kind to yourself and stay strong. The thing you have to remember is that you didn't create her unhappiness and you cannot solve it, or even mitigate it for her.

That is the problem that I have struggled with for so long. When our parents are entrenched in their unhappiness after years of not being able to manage their own difficult feelings, they often use their children to do the soothing for them. And this is so not okay.

We do not have the right to burden our children with the task of managing our emotions.

What she is doing is selfish and you are doing the right thing by protecting your own wellbeing. The hardest thing in toxic families is setting those boundaries, but they are the best thing you can do for yourself and also your own children.

[makingachange]

makingchange,

I'm sorry she's making it hard for you. Be kind to yourself and stay strong. The thing you have to remember is that you didn't create her unhappiness and you cannot solve it, or even mitigate it for her.

That is the problem that I have struggled with for so long. When our parents are entrenched in their unhappiness after years of not being able to manage their own difficult feelings, they often use their children to do the soothing for them. And this is so not okay.

We do not have the right to burden our children with the task of managing our emotions.

What she is doing is selfish and you are doing the right thing by protecting your own wellbeing. The hardest thing in toxic families is setting those boundaries, but they are the best thing you can do for yourself and also your own children.

Thank you so much for your guidance and support, I truly appreciate it!

After this blow up...it has been silent...nothing now. 

I feel a lot of childhood stuff coming up about this...but, I do feel that this is something that may be actually better.  I do not have the energy to continue on with the games...but, also feel unsure of where to go from here...

I know I can't do this again...its been an ongoing cycle since I was a child into now...but, I don't know how to move on from here...in some ways I feel like I am back in my childhood body in a weird way...But, I have to push forward...<3  ....Any thoughts on this?  =)

I really hope you are doing well and having a good day!!  <3

[Hepatica]

makingachange,

I think that you take it minute by minute, day by day, with a few things at the forefront of your mind. You have survived some very hard things and now it's time to heal. You are not backing away to hurt anyone. You are backing away because you know deep inside that you cannot recover by engaging in old dysfunction that rips off the bandage and gouges at the wound. And then you tell yourself it is okay if your mother feels bad. It's not your fault or your job to ease her feelings anymore.

Once you really get onside with yourself and know the purpose is for you to heal, then you will begin to heal. And I honestly believe that with this you must feel for yourself much compassion and love - for that child self that was not offered the loving view of who she was.

I call it bad a$$ self-respect.  As soon as I started feeling that, I began to heal.