Early days after separation

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks Mitchy I really appreciate your words. Thanks again to everyone who gave me so much support last weekend and during the week. The last few days have been better. I feel like I am coming back to life again. I can feel my old sense of humour and personality returning. That's something I didn't count on, and it is so great. I have also been sleeping better than I have done in years. I work full-time and have 2 little kids, so I tend to be fairly exhausted in the evenings. It is soooooo great to be able to get to bed early if I want, without being given the PD death-stare and made to feel guilty.

After a horrible exchange last weekend, I ended up backpedaling just to get PDH to cool down. I now need to tell him I have found a house and I am definitely not coming back. I'm just so scared of having this conversation. Most of the abuse was verbal/emotional, so these conversations are very triggering for me. I actually feel so anxious just thinking about making this phone call.

I was thinking of emailing him instead... but would that be awful?! I want to try and take the higher ground here. I guess I should be brave and phone him, but I just dread the torrent of verbal abuse this is going to result in.

[notrightinthehead]

Please! You have every right to not expose yourself to a torrent of verbal abuse. By all means inform him in writing. And he can do his abusing in writing too. I actually think you have the duty to yourself not to set yourself up for abuse. Your duty is to protect yourself.
Does he need to know now anyway?  Maybe you can tell him when you feel stronger.

[Medowynd]

I would communicate in writing only.  No need for abusive phone calls.  Is there some reason he needs to know that you have a house?

[TooLiteral]

This absolutely sounds like everything I am going through. The intimacy thing is what made him give me the ultimatum that landed me in this hotel room with one change of clothing, our kiddo, and our dog. Lol.

[GettingOOTF]

In these cases the higher ground is doing what you need to to keep yourself safe and get out of the dangerous and abusive marriage.

I would absolutely not tell him in person or over the phone. You know he won't take it well. I would text and then put on a temporary block or I'd email and then not read the reply or pick up the phone.

You are being brave. You are brave by leaving. You are brave by not going back. You are brave my continuing to move forward. You have nothing to prove to anyone, including yourself.

What ever you decide please make sure to have no physical contact with him after you tell him and do not under any circumstances tell him where you are moving to. If he knows where you are currently I'd move from there too.

[CagedBirdSinging]

This absolutely sounds like everything I am going through. The intimacy thing is what made him give me the ultimatum that landed me in this hotel room with one change of clothing, our kiddo, and our dog. Lol.

Hi tooliteral I'm sorry to hear that - it sounds stressful. I hope you're ok.
The intimacy thing is awful. Being subject to demands by someone who was treating me so badly just felt like the ultimate attack on my personhood. It was definitely the final straw.

I've been on here a good bit since leaving, and the support has been incredible. I'm still having ups and downs, with pdH up to the usual manipulative tactics. I really think nc is the way to go, but for folks like us with kids it's not possible. I'm just trying to stay strong and remember the reasons why I left.

[Boat Babe]

You have a duty to protect yourself and kiddo. You have NO OBLIGATION to speak to your ex in person. None. Chances are you have spent, and wasted, years of your life trying to have meaningful, civilised conversations with him, only to dash yourself, repeatedly, against his dysfunction and pathology. This conversation would be no different and probably much worse. So no, send an email. Create a separate folder for communication so Yu our don't see his name everytime you open your email and then block home from social media and possibly your phone if he starts using that to abuse you.

Very best of luck and keep going, you've got this .

[Lauren17]

CBS and TL,
I wanted to let you know that I've read through these posts. I hear your nervousness and exhilaration.
I am filled with awe, admiration and hope.
If you courageous and strong ladies can make a stand, leave, and make things better for you and yours. Then maybe I can too.
Prayers to you.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks Lauren for the lovely message. It's great to think that other people in similar position might be gleaning some sort of hope from all this.

Exhilaration and trepidation is exactly right!

It has been a roller coaster. Very very scary - beyond terrifying, to finally take action. But I've also experienced a sense of hope for the first time in so long. I am feeling optimistic about the future. It is like a dark cloud has been lifted.

Speaking of dark clouds; I had another exhausting conversation with stbxpdH last night. I needed to organise picking up some things from our old house. He ended up baiting me into repeating AGAIN the reasons I left, then he denied everything and accused me of the same behaviour. For example I said 'you are always contradicting yourself and telling me different versions, then you call me insane if I question you' he said 'you do that too!' He undermined everything I said, and at one point openly laughed down the phone, mocking me.

Anyway, I achieved my goal of getting him to agree for me to send a van round to pick up our clothes etc. Weirdly I am quite glad he was so nasty, because it reaffirms why I left. Still though, I feel shaken by the conversation. I'm being extra gentle with myself today, planning a relaxing walk with the kids this afternoon and a creative project I know I'll enjoy. Remembering to breathe!

It can be very hard to leave when there has been no physical abuse - all you have is a niggling feeling that something is not right. The abuse can be so subtle, so covert, it is really hard to pinpoint. The pd has sown seeds of doubt, making us wary of our own gut instincts. But gut instincts are exactly what we need to tune into in order to see through the FOG. 

I am so grateful for the support of everyone here.

[2nice]

You are so so so brave. Stay focussed on ahead. I went back 7 times! It never got better. In the end I saw him like a drug addict might see their drug. Seems to offer comfort but just kills them slowly.

Try to find an oasis in this. Something to switch off. I did jigsaw puzzles. Was great rest for my brain.

And remember the bad stuff. Write it down before it becomes invisible.

3.5 years out finally. I see him differently. I've got new eyes. So will you xx

[hhaw]

RdayRenember, stbx PD will posture as victim and likely believes he's a victim in the divorce.

Expect him to behave erratically, like a bucking Broncos.  Try not to let it unsettle you....easuer said than done, I know.

Extending tsunamis of self compassion....
Shifting into Observer mode...
Getting curious about what he'll do next instead of judging it bad or good...it simply is a PD doing what PDs DO.

It's nonsensical.  He will never understand your POV, so please consider accepting that truth and letting it go.

What you think....what your intuition tells you IS rich and true and worth tending to with the energy you once gave to the PD.

Model self care for your children and remember to breathe....you can call yourself down by focusing on your breathe, no matter how upset the PD makes you, IME.

It's freedom and joy and showung your children how to cope with the PD too.