Early days after separation

[CagedBirdSinging]

So I finally did it. I left yesterday. Phoned pdH and told him I couldn't face another weekend of silent treatment and walking on eggshells. He became hysterical when I started talking about making plans for separation. He hung up the phone and wouldn't answer for 2 hours. I was really scared because he has made suicide threats in the past. Eventually he messaged me saying he just couldn't talk to me right now, he is too upset.

SO.. here I am. A bit shaky today, very tearful. Last night before he hung up he was accusing me of destroying our family, being a coward, giving up too easily, hurting our children.

A quick background: during 2018-19 pdH put me through horrific verbal and emotional abuse. I was pregnant at the time and begged him to stop, but he showed no mercy. In the end I fled the home, terrified he was on the verge of physical abuse. I have never seen such anger. He apologised at first, but within a few weeks he started demanding I move back, and making excuses for his behaviour. The campaign was relentless. In the end I caved and moved back in summer 2019..

Since moving back, he has not shown the same level of verbal abuse. But he has continued to make excuses for his past behaviour, and blames me for the impact of his abuse. I have been wary of him, and he has berated me for lack of intimacy etc. There has been no attempt to make amends for what he did. He has been self centred and shown me no kindness. His moods darken the house. I walk on eggshells not knowing what mood he will be in. I am often punished with silent treatment if I have offended him. Because of his history I am careful not to challenge him, but on occasions we have argued he has been nasty, snarling, calling me insane and accusing me of lack of empathy. Meanwhile he has been obsessed with his health, faking a limp and determined to get himself diagnosed with a medical condition to use as another excuse for his behaviour.

I'm just going over this to convince myself I'm doing the right thing.
It is so very hard when this person I loved is telling me how much he has changed, and is making all these promises. I'm reading Why Does He Do That and it is very helpful. I know his changes are only superficial.

Any advice for these early days would be so great. I'm just trying to stay strong.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Uncagedbird. You did it. You left an abuser. High five brave woman.

The next few months are going to be tough BUT not as tough as living with an abusive PD. Things are going to get much, much better for you, from here on in.

Please ensure the physical safety of you and children. We know PDs can flip at this point. Then, work really hard on your own FOG to ensure you NEVER GET HOOVERED AGAIN. 

Get all the support you can and please come to us for support, as much as you need. We are all cheering you on. 💖💖💖

[GettingOOTF]

This is a huge step. Congratulations.

For me leaving was the “easy” part. Staying left was what was actually hard. My ex was very verbally abusive. Over the years it wore me down. I left with no self confidence and looking back it’s crazy to see what I thought I couldn’t do alone - like cook my own meals, go grocery shopping etc.

The time after leaving is hard. Your brain is screaming at you to be in a safe situation again, but what your brain considers safe is actually what’s familiar which in our cases is not safe at all.

I had to keep reminding myself what it was like and that none of the changes stuck. My ex was very convincing. He also played on my guilt and self doubt. I went back multiple times. Each time I went back it was harder to leave and the abuse got worse as I was eventually punished for leaving. The control also got worse as he knew I could leave so tried to block any way that would help me do it again.

This time is the most dangerous time for a woman.  It’s when she is lost likely to be murdered by her spouse/partner. Please be careful. When abusers realize they ah e nothing left to lose they act like people with nothing left to lose.

My ex also threatened suicide. He never did though. If your ex threatens again call 911 and have them deal with it. Even if it’s just a hint like “I can’t go on without you”. Call 911, explain you just left an abusive relationship and  ask for a welfare check.  My exes doctor told me that people that threaten almost never do it and when they do it’s usually “accidental” when they’ve been drinking etc.

It will feel awful for a long time, then one day you will wake up and it won’t feel awful anymore.

When you’ve been in an abusive and unsafe situation you repress a lot of emotions to stay safe. Once you are away all those emotions come flooding through.

They love to go on about how you didn’t give them a chance, broke the family, gave up to soon etc. No one wakes up and simply decides in a whim to leave a loving marriage. You did so much more to keep this marriage together than most would. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. You can do this!!!

[LiftingFog]

WOW!!!  Well done, (no longer) Caged Bird!!! 

Right now just focus on you and your needs.  What a concept, right?  Everything up to this point has been about him.  Not anymore!  You have taken your power back!!

What really helped me in the early stages of me leaving my narc H was to block him everywhere - social media, phone, etc.  This was to protect me from being manipulated during my highly emotional state.  Ignore his cries of feeling suicidal - it's more manipulation.  He wants you to focus on HIM and what you are "doing" TO him!  Poor baby.  If you are truly worried that he will harm himself, dial 911 and have them do a welfare check.  There's no need to even reply to his threats.

Focus on you and what you want out of life.   Imagine yourself living your best life.  What would that look like?  How would you get there?  Focus on the practical - how to get through each day, each hour.  What's the next step?  Are you in therapy?  That would be a good place to start.  Do you have a solicitor is you're married?  Look for one who has experience with BPD spouses.  Do you have a close friend or family member in your corner that you could talk to?  Can they come stay with you for a bit for emotional support?

One step at a time.  The further you detach, the easier it will get.

I know it's a scary time, but you stood up for yourself and that is HUGE!!!!!  BRAVO!!!!  Cheers to your new life!!  <3

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks so much. Your messages really helped get me through today.

I spoke to pdH more today, but the conversation was full of the usual contradictions and excuses. He says he wants me to be happy, even if that means without him..  then he told me I won't be able to manage without him, life will be so hard for me..  he said I am hurting our children and it will be terrible for them. I said it would be worse for them to grow up in a home where there is a tense, negative atmosphere and parents not speaking to each other.

I do feel bad for my kids. I worry about them. They have a totally different relationship with their dad because he puts on a show of being friendly with them. But at the same time he doesn't really contribute to childcare- making meals, changing nappies, minding them when they are sick. He does none of the hard stuff. That's all left up to me. They are very young, under 5, and I worry about how his moods and behaviour would impact on them when they are older. He is using the kids to try and get me back. But their happiness is one of the reasons I left.

Hard as today was, me and my kids had a couple of moments of pure fun and freedom. We played a silly game at the dinner table, laughing our heads off. It felt great and would never have happened with pdH about.

PdH denies that we were having any problems. It's true things had been slightly better lately...but I think that's just because he sensed I was leaving, and was trying to get me to stay. It's hard when it's my word against his, and he totally denies that we were having problems. He will always say this was all my fault.

One day at a time I guess.
We are staying with family for now. I have a house rented just down the road, and we will move there in a week or so. I didnt want pdH to think I had been plotting against him, so I am pretending that I'm only starting to look for a house now. Doubtless he will get very annoyed when he finds out that I have a house and I'm definitely not going back to him. But that's for another day...

[Prototypian]

Stay strong!   Watch out for fleas, watch out for hoovering, consider the things you say when interacting and keep those as statements of fact with no opportunity to JADE!   I am sure this is so hard but I'm proud of you and support you virtually!

Jsj

[GettingOOTF]

When I told my ex I wanted a divorce he as shocked. He said "but we are so happy". I was miserable. There's no way anyone could have thought I was happy. Years later a colleague told me they were worried about me during that time as I looked like I was about to break. They had no idea what was going on at home.

They live in their own world and see she they want to see. One is the biggest and hardest lessons of my leaving was learning to trust my gut and my version of things. It was too easy for me to get killed back by my ex because I doubted the truth.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Gettingootf.. ah its maddening isn't it. I feel like my gut instincts are the only things I can trust now. With pds, language becomes so toxic, so unstable..  all I can trust is my own gut instinct that I cannot keep living the way I have been. I'm in a safe, loving place now, with my family, away from pd madness, and I'm not going back. I just pray this is the right thing for my kids as well. I'd nearly have endured the marriage if I'd thought it was the best thing for them, but I honestly don't think it was. I'm doing this to protect them from a toxic parent.
I'm trying to stay strong.

[Boat Babe]

Your children are 100% better off AWAY from PD madness. Never doubt it. Stay strong ❤️

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks Boat Babe.
I'm having a tough time today. He is accusing me of hurting the children by leaving, saying I'm turning their lives upside down and ruining everything. I find it so hard because he is nice to the children. I feel like I am being selfish for leaving. I am so scared of hurting my kids. If only he could treat everyone as well as he treats the kids. I just keep thinking maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I am making a mistake. But I was so, so miserable. The atmosphere in the house was tense, negative, joyless. Surely that wasn't good for the children either?
Now I can feel he is turning against me, starting to hate me, getting ready to be really nasty.

[Boat Babe]

Horribly predictable unCagedbirdsinging. It was ever thus with PDs. A healthy partner wouldn't do that. This is a clear reminder that you are making the right decision.

I notice that you say the your ex is a good father to the children. I would like to say that he isn't if he is abusing their mother. On the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale, witnessing parental abuse is up there. I know this personally as my stepfather was physically brutal with my mother. And abuse doesn't have to be physical to create havoc and damage in a family's life. There are many members here who, now Out of the FOG, are looking back on 30 plus years with an abusive PD ex and bitterly regretting the list years and the damage done to the children.  Remember, you have probably been gaslit to hell and back, so you are struggling with your truth and your reality. And Trauma Bonding is a real thing and has to be address (I think therapy can help here but finding the right therapist is tricky)  I addressed my trauma bonds as an addiction I had to beat. That kept me from being hoovered or just picking up the phone myself during times of emotional distress. I can't tell you how glad I am now to be out of that relationship.

Take deep breaths my dear. It's going to be all right.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks my dear, oh you are so kind.
I have seen 3 different therapists but I found them expensive and fairly useless. I can't seem to find someone with the right experience to be able to help me. The last T in particular just looked shocked by what I was telling her - like I think she needed therapy herself afterwards haha. I find it more beneficial to talk to family and friends who know the full story and have seen first hand what pdH is like.

You're right about the gaslighting. And yeah I don't want my children witnessing their mother being abused. That's not a good example for them.

It's so hard dealing with pdH who denies all problems and is using the kids to emotionally blackmail me. Thanks for the support

[Stillirise]

Hang in there, (Un)caged bird!!  In my situation, I literally retreated  with my kids, off the grid for 6 days, to allow my stbxUPDh time to blow off all his vitriol.  When my phone would randomly get signal, I would get 10-20 messages at a time, of just absolute verbal vomit.  I ended up muting his text notifications, and even blocking him from texting/calling when he was especially venomous.  I have learned to ignore him, until I'm ready to face what's there, then choose whether to respond, or not. 

After awhile, his jabs at my motives, parenting, and character just started to bounce off.  I still don't like hearing such negativity, but I can now consider, and quickly dismiss, the source.

My recommendation is set your boundaries sooner rather than later, about what kinds of communication you will accept, and will respond to.  My boundaries...hanging up, blocking, not responding, walking or driving away, drew their own criticisms for awhile.  He's finally learning it doesn't get him anywhere.  I am only receptive to calm discourse, directly related to the kids or divorce. Nothing else.  Every time I've tried softening up, and thinking I'm just having a normal conversation with a normal human, about normal things, it ends up sideways. You have to decide what level of communication you are comfortable with.

You are the bigger person here, you do not have to accept being maligned by anyone, and if you are like almost all good mothers, you wouldn't have done this without much consideration for your children.

I get the therapy thing, too. I have shocked a therapist or two, myself.  Honestly, I feel like I've gotten much further on my own journey by being here. 

Best wishes to you! Trust what YOU know is true, and let what he says roll on by, like a river over stones.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks stillrise! Going off the grid was a good idea. I wish I could do that. At the moment we are in lockdown and can't travel more than 5km!! Anyway I think I'd find it hard to completely cut contact like that, and I think the kids would miss their dad.

Today I have been feeling so much guilt. He is totally alone here, doesnt have any friends or family here and can't travel because of covid. I feel such guilt about doing this to another human, it feels so cruel.

Also my 3yo was really acting up today, and I feel like this is having a bad effect on her already. She misses her home, her routine. The guilt is just horrible.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Caged,

I want to send you some encouragement today.
I know these days feel difficult. I know you might sometimes doubt yourself and your decisions and your path. You might feel, (shudder) guilty.
Please don't. 
You are so so strong. You have come so far.
You are doing the right thing by your children.
You are loving them and protecting them and providing them safety and stability. Yes, there is short term pain and chaos and adjustment. But the long term gain is worth it.
Children are resilient and yours are young yet. They will be fine!!
Remember that you are the center of the universe for your children. You set the tone. Make it a grand adventure, full of change and excitement and love. (This helps you too.)
Your H is an adult. He can, and should, take care of himself. It isn't your job. It never was. Maybe life sucks for him now because of his choices, but he will deal with it. 

From someone who has been there (My kids were 6 and 3 when I left their father): You are doing the right thing. And you are doing the thing right.

Keep going!! You have got this!!

Lots of loving encouragement,

~BC

[Rose1]

Your kids will start to thrive once you start to build a family in your own place. I have seen it many times including  with my own.

Within a few months the kids are calmer, polite, eager to please and just normal. Most recently a friend  left her abusive ex who professes the kids are his life, but dodges child support and was nasty in discipline. The kids were loud, argumentative, banging their heads against the wall etc.  Within 3 months the personality started to come out, they were smiling,  boisterous but not  nasty, etc etc. Huge difference.

What happens often is you think you see a good relationship but you're actually seeing dysfunction. The pd parent often uses the kids against the other parent, neglects their needs, eventually refuses to pay  child support and then starts to treat them the same way he is treating you once they start to develop minds of their own and disagree with the pd.

So don't feel guilty.  With mine this started before the oldest was 11and the youngest 6. She wasn't the gc and she was neglected very early in her life.

Once you  build your family and they get some security and consistency they will do fine.

[JustKeepTrying]

Dear No Longer Caged Bird Singing,

Congratulations!  You are incredible and the steps you took are brave.  Yes, there will be hard days ahead but not nearly as hard as what you did the day you left.

I want to reassure that it does get better.  I left 1 1/2 years ago - divorced a year now.  Every day I work on myself and feel such joy when I do little things - like throw out the mail that I don't need.  I could never have done that in the past.  It is those little moments that build up my confidence and reinforce the good decision I made to leave.

Right after I moved in my new place, completely barren - I was sleeping on the floor with blanket from the car - you know the kind you keep for winter emergencies.  I used my sweatshirt for a pillow.  But the freedom and joy I felt was so real I danced in the empty space - that feeling was incredible.  I hold onto it when the dips come like the texts and voice mails.  It helps.

I have a therapist who helps with my PTSD.  More than 30 years of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse left scars.  I went through four before I found someone who could really help.  Don't give up.

I also journal - someone on here recommended it - it has really helped.  When it gets tough, I write it out, and somehow putting it on paper - so I can read it later in those cases of hoovering - has anchored me more than anything else.

I have three adult children.  Youngest a senior in high school.  I should have left decades ago.  I know that there has been real damage - he may never have hit him but they witnessed the cold shoulders, snide remarks, insane rules, etc.  They also learned to no respect me - their Dad didn't so why should they?  So now, you have an opportunity to give them stability, love, and nurturing home.  That is worth all the trouble.

Be kind to yourself.  You are more.  You are everything.

[SparkStillLit]

Hi,
I just want to give you a bit of support on the kids. You ARE doing the right thing for them. Staying with him would be very damaging to them. I stayed. I'm still here. My kids, especially my oldest, have so much damage and trauma. Don't be me. Get out now. Stay out. For the kids. You ARE strong, you're a GREAT mom, making the right choice.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks so much everyone. Your kind words mean so much.

I'm just struggling here..
This all feels like a horrible nightmare. Part of me wants to go back to my home and my routine.

PdH has never been mean to the kids, so I am making this decision on predictions of what he will be like when they get older.
He had started to be nicer with me lately, but was still giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment, not listening to me, discrediting my opinions and being manipulative.

Now he is totally turning on me.. I even started another thread because I'm shocked by how nasty he has been already.

[Mitchy]

Congratulations on leaving. I actually commented on your other thread too. But this deserves a comment as well.

Leaving is one of the bravest things and good for you. The first year, other have said less,  but in my experience, the first year - especially during a pandemic - is really hard. But here's the good part. Those days without the drama and the tension are so great that whenever he's around, you'll see it happening faster. You'll recognize the those feelings. It will get easier to say, NO, not any more.

He'll fight you. He won't be able to stand losing whatever control he thought he had over you. But we are survivors. We have lived through so much S*^% with these PDs that we can get through all of this as well.

Stay strong, be true to yourself and know that you are loved.