Self-Harm

[SparkStillLit]

Yuck. I buried this one. I used to plan how to have a single car accident. I never carried it out (clearly), because I was and am surrounded by PDs and I could never figure out how to get the children and animals properly cared for.
I was so very very desperate and just wanted to be gone and everything to be over.  EMDR saved me that time.
Now I think in a more nebulous way of disappearing, in a witness-protection-like kind of way.

[Hepatica]

Spark, sending you love. I think that's another reason why I brought this up, because we do have re-route the painful energy and find a way to release it in a healthy or healthier way. It is, it seems to me anyway, an energy, probably something about the big surge needed to escape a predator. We need that energy to save ourselves, but when we are stuck in it, as children, or partners, where does that energy go? Sometimes we implode and it goes against us? I'd rather we all learn to find a way to use the energy to save ourselves.

I think what you're saying about needing to get out and feeling desperate and just wanting the pain to be over is so very real. And I also think that making a long-term plan, a covert one that keeps you safe and gets you from A to B with everything you need to be free, is awesome. Nebulous is really important when dealing with PD's. We need to keep acting normal and make our plans quietly. They sort of underestimate us a lot of the time anyway and and that can work to our advantage.

[losingmyself]

I remember (not that long ago) driving along, 60 miles an hour, thinking "All I have to do is crank the wheel right now"
A person gets so tired of never being happy, fulfilled, heard, that it just seems so much nicer to have it all done with.
Then DD comes home, and DS comes over, and I remember why I could never do something like that.
I was given something to be alive for....
I also had a fairly elaborate plan a long time ago, and that changed, obviously, like Spark.
Thank God we are all here right now.
I read something on here, that said that as long as we are breathing, we can make things better. I still have along way to go, but I know that I'm still breathing, so I have a chance.
We all do.
Like so many on here have said, this is something that I have never, and I don't think I would ever, tell anyone. I'm so happy I found this safe place.

[Hepatica]

losingmyself, thank you too for being so brave and sharing. It never occurred to me that this would be a subject that so many of us are anxious to communicate about. Maybe because we've talked so much about so many dark subjects.

But here I am, surprised that - self-harm - remains in the dark somewhat. Makes me sad, because it needs so much light and compassion. There is no shame in not knowing how to deal with our pain and for having it bounce backwards on us, when it needs to be directed toward our safety. None. We have not been taught how to, esp. having come from FOOs who are dysfunctional and don't have our best interests at heart, but even within regular, fairly healthy families, I suspect.

Really though, where could we ever talk about it out there in the outside, regular world? And yet, I feel very strongly that we need to talk about these things. We need to remove the taboo.

losingmyself, I remember having that exact same thought, about cranking the steering wheel, when I was a teenager and living with my uPD parents. I had no idea how much pain I was in, because we learn to live with pain, and then we think it's just us not able to cope with life. But it's the incredible level of pain of growing up, or being in relationship with a PD. It is so so hard to live with, and to have had no words, or space to discuss it with someone safe.

Thank goodness for this forum.

It allows so many of us to read and to express our pain, rather than turning it inward.

I absolutely believe that we can make things better and I also recognize that it often means going against the norms of society, by going No Contact with dysfunctional family members, or ending a toxic relationship. People just seem to push for us to hang on when to save ourselves, we have to let them go.

Since I've gone NC with my uPD parents I have felt so much healthier, happier and my general well-being is good. But taking that step was really hard. This forum has helped me reclaim my life because I no longer feel alone with this pain, and I can talk about hard things here, without being judged.

[Boat Babe]

Sending all the love to everyone reading this. Thank you all for incredible courage and honesty. ❤️

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree. The silence around self harm just makes it worse to understand. It's a topic even some therapists want to dismiss and ignore I've learned.

Which is why this forum can be a lifesaver.

One thing I read is that after we've been the victim of abuse some people lash out and some people lash in. Some externalize their pain and some of us internalize and take it out on ourselves. It seems to come down to personality type, whether we take it out on ourselves more or on others more.

Either way it is a part of our journey. We have to find our way through it since clearly, long term, we want to end the harming (us, others).

I've also read a bit about the idea that abuse made us feel powerless and the self harm behaviours give us momentary sensations of being in control again. I don't know if that fits for everyone though.

What I found was that there was a time, a dark time where I tried to think of things that were healthy and made me feel safe and powerful and I could not think of any. So to anyone who is in that space sometimes, it is understandable. It took me months and months and months to find things that made me feel powerful and self protective instead of self resentful. I resented that the abuse had traumatized me SO much.

I resented that people who thought they were "good people" ignored and dismissed the abuse. Like you said Hepatica -  that energy ..where does it go? It has nowhere to go sometimes. or so it seems.

The silence around this was deafening in my own experience too. So much taboo around getting help for PD abuse. Thank goodness for this forum. Thanks for being so open in your posts Hepatica and others. The healing is happening.

Trees

[1footouttadefog]

I had a close friend from HS until he died last year in his 50's.

He had a lot of issues and self harmed a lot.  When a teen and into his twenties he cut a lot.  Sometimes very deep gashes. Wrists, top of feet, fore arms etc.

He also took chemicals and attempted overdoses and breathed fumes and many things.

At times we discussed it and he said it was to break the cycle he was in.  Feeling so horrible and depressed and the same thoughts and feelings that seemed they would not end.  He somehow reset his brain chemistry with these actions.  Sometimes he was truly suicidal as well.

He said it would reset things and he could start over kinda after.

I think this is true of some of the pd behaviors.  They also get a brain chenistey release from picking a fight  and other things they do to caise drama.

I hope everyone here can find healthy and more self affirming and uplifting ways to deal with such times and feelings.