Self-Harm

[Hepatica]

Hey everyone, I've been super busy and not much time to drop in here, but I think of all of you and hope all are well.

You are an amazing resource and I have a question. It's about self-harm and how, we, as survivors of childhood trauma present with it. In journals, often they talk about cutting, but I am wondering about a wide-range of self-harming behaviour, including alcohol and drug use, over-eating and things like falling into a very bad place and hurting yourself physically - like hitting one self?

Have you ever done this and if so, what do you think is the reason? I've had episodes where I am so overwhelmed emotionally that I've done all of the above, and I wonder why we end up hurting ourselves after escaping a really bad childhood? Why do we become our own abusers?

This is a vast question and I'd love any of your thoughts about it, or even links to resources. I have a feeling that self-compassion is one thing that disarms this behaviour, but why do we do these things in the first place?

Thanks so much!

[Pepin]

    I am guilty of this!  I have treated myself so badly because somehow I thought it would fix something wrong with me -- that maybe I would open my eyes and finally be able to see clearly, especially after an episode of self harm.  I think we abuse ourselves because we don't want to abuse anyone else. 

I wish I knew the answer and I hope others chime in here.  While I have seen many therapists over the last few decades, I have withheld that I self harm.  No one knows.  While I have REALLY tried to bow off steam through other means like writing, exercise, eating well, fresh air -- it is the C-PTSD that just really sets me off when there is a trigger of some kind.  I know to my core that when my elder abusers are no more, that I will be free.  Self harm is essentially a relapse.     

[Call Me Cordelia]

For me it's scratching my scalp. Never enough to cause serious damage beyond embarrassing dandruff, but I learned that it's a shame-based behavior. When I have so much shame bottled up it has to come out somewhere, so I do something I have to hide so I can hide myself. I've done this on and off ever since I was 10 or so. When the mean girls would make fun of me for having dandruff. Which was really almost non-existent. So I made it worse in an attempt to get rid of the flakes, and then it became almost a compulsion when I felt shame, to hide away and scratch at my scalp. Therapy decreased how often I felt the urge, but when I started taking a low dose of Zoloft it went away all together.

[Andeza]

Hmm, I do this with the cuticles on my fingers. Pick at them heavily. But I can't pinpoint why... I do it without even thinking at times, just pick and pick. I've tried stopping, tried clipping any odd spots on the cuticle instead of picking, tried painting my nails, and even tried keeping my hands almost obsessively busy. Painting them works the best, because then there's a subtle undercurrent of not messing up the work I've just done. Keeping busy helps too though.

I have theories. I don't think it's tied to shame in my case. I did have uBPDm remark once when I was very young that I should be a hand model, but I'm not sure if that then made me want to counter her in any way possible and therefore make my hands less pretty. Or maybe I'm just extremely obsessive about the little cuticle tears that form naturally through use. I seem to attack any rough spots with more focus. Blegh. Painting my nails gets tiring, and it's hard to do with a toddler, but then I like how they look and leave them alone so maybe I just need to make time for it.

[Jolie40]

started eating weird as preteen/teen around time PD parent would scream in middle of night at other parent & break things only to lie to me when I'd ask next day "what happened to vase that was there?"
(or other breakable item I found missing)

I'd open a box of cake mix & eat some of it with a spoon
then have to ask if I could bake cake to avoid anyone finding out some mix was missing

[Hepatica]

I've been reading a bit more about it, and the trauma response seems to me is a coping response to let off the contained and built up energy. We have to hold in all of our emotions in a PD family and let them out later. And then it's like I blow.

I am NC now and I've had zero episodes of intense frustration and rage since I walked away from them. I realized that as I used to sit in their house I was armouring, I was reacting to their micro-aggressions. I mean we know our abusers so well, that even an a facial expression can mean danger to us, or a slight tone of voice shift. I can hear it in my mother's voice when she's about to attack my mother. My Dh wouldn't pick up on these things, but the entire time I'd pick up on countless, and my body would be wanting to flee. But we go thru the "nice child" motions and try to make small talk and get through. But then I'd come home and I'd be in bed for two days crying, and binge eating, and sometimes screaming. In the past when I added into that a toxic work environment at times my frustration level would be so over the top I'd feel like I couldn't go on. I was so overwhelmed by new and old triggers.

Andeza, what you describe is actually a strategy by some therapist who work with people who self-harm - which is to replace the behaviour, for example if some one cuts, to let them draw with marker on their arm instead. It seems like you have figured out a way to work with the energy in a way that doesn't hurt you and is creative. What you said about keeping busy makes sense too, because i think these behaviours have great energy and it has to get released.

They say that you cannot talk yourself out of your trauma, because it's part of our central nervous system, and we can work with it with many methods. For me, if I was ever in that space i used to get in when I was in contact with my parents, where the energy is so huge I'm exploding or imploding, I think the best thing would have been a punching bag or a fast walk or run. And then naming what was happening, like saying: I'm have a trauma reaction as I'm punching the punching bag. Or saying: I am afraid of my parents as I punch the bag or walk fast.

These are just intuitive thoughts now and I'm not an expert, but I am very curious about this topic of self-harm and I also hope to take out the stigma from it. There is a silence about it that I don't think helps us recover.

No shame. We all do things to keep going, eating the cake mix, Jolie, and scratching your scalp, Call Me, and Pepin, yes! I agree, we abuse ourselves because the energy of emotion overwhelming pain has to move and it's not safe to attack others (why I think a punching bag might help me.)

Please continue to add comments. I am very interested in how you deal with this or how you relate to this.

[Fairy Lights]

I don't know if it falls under the 'self-harm' category or not, but... I've never admitted it to anyone before, but since I was 13 or 14, I started pulling my hair out. It sounds ridiculous, and I'm so ashamed about it. When I was a teenager it was fairly bad and I got bald spots... which made me stop for a while, but I started doing it again as a late teen and ever since. I feel like I have more control over it as an adult, and I've never had bald spots since then. But, during the pandemic, I started doing it again, and feel like I might have gone ott... and I'm worried about going to the hairdresser now. I googled it, and I think it's an anxiety/stress thing. I definitely do it more if I'm anxious and stressed. Urgh, how embarrassing!! 

[SparkStillLit]

It's not really to the level of harm, I guess, but I have poor food habits. In my FOO I was bugged about how much I ate. I was growing up very tall, and I was lean and very active, but the quantity of fuel my body required was not "ladylike". I learned to either hork it down quickly, or hide and fuel when nobody was about. This meant slipping into kitchens and zooming down food while others were occupied elsewhere.
This is still a snarky joke between myself and my bestie, because our mothers were mean, and her mother said mean things about having to shop before I came over, and what my body was going to look like.
Then I married right out of university (where nobody said shit about my food choices, and I had lots of exciting new ones). Updh behaves just like my FOO. With my changing metabolism, there was a time when my health changed, and that was a huge target on my back. It's changed back now, but under duress I don't eat, and get dinged for that, and then if I'm "caught" eating, my food choices or portions are critiqued. Even if it's a freaking salad.
So...I eat in secret, or don't eat at all. At the very least, it's not healthy. I like going to work, because I can just take stuff, but it has to be field crew friendly food.

[Andeza]

The energy of emotion. Now you're crossing paths with a personal interest of my own. Energy in general. Where we specifically cross is my feeling that my hands carry a lot of my energy. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to forcibly remove that bad energy at the easiest access point.

[Hepatica]

I have eating weirdness too. I think it comes from growing up with countless dinner table fights. I think we all of suffered from hypoglycemia  and therefore our patience was thin at dinner times, but it was at that table, tucked in the small alcove in our kitchen where the worst abuse happened. My uNPD father was violent and would hit my older sister in the face. I have so many memories of crying at that table. And now, I like to eat in private and I also have a really hard time sitting down for dinner table meals with people in general. I have rumbling anxiety the entire time, even if it isn't my parents or sister. The table became a really scary place for me.

Andeza, I am interested in energy as well. I feel it often in my upper stomach and chest region but I can also feel it in my hands. I learned to crochet this winter and I find that really comforting, almost meditative.

Fairy Lights, I think pulling out hair is something that some people do, as a stress release. That common saying "wanted to pull my hair out" comes from generations of people feeling overwhelming stress. I am sure there are ways to work with it, to find a way to pull out other things, and replace the behaviour if it is affecting how you feel about your appearance.

Spark, I'm so sorry your FOO bugged you and it still continues. It must also be a very common "mean" tactic used by FOO's and toxic partners - because the outer society has a heyday about picking on people about food and appearance. Our relationship with food goes right back to birth and i think it has to contain a lot of pain and shame for a lot of people.

[Free2Bme]

Hi Hepatica / All,

This is a scary topic for me. 

When I was married to my updxh, the devaluing became very intense.  There would be a simple conflict, but of course no resolution (now I know typical to PD).  I would reason, logic, beg, plead, explain, defend, etc.  He would lie, obfuscate, gaslight, punish, demean, twist, accuse, threaten, etc. 

When he finally brought me to tears and totally broken down, he would ramp up the verbal abuse, hours of hearing what a POS I was.  I would retreat to the bed, bathroom, closet, car.  Anywhere to get away from him.  He would follow and continue the assault, even breaking down doors.  I wanted to escape.  Sometimes, hitting a pillow in frustration morphed into me hitting my leg.  I was in such terrible mental/emotional pain, the hitting became a diversion/escape in the moment.  He would ridicule me for doing this. 

I spoke to a T about this once.  He told me that although it is a destructive way to handle pain/stress, that it does actually work to create a diversion within the mind.  Obviously, T wasn't recommending it, but he pointed this out to say that it is difficult to treat because it does bring temporary relief.

What's curious is that I have gone through other extremely difficult experiences in my life (before my marriage and since my divorce) where I was pushed to the limit emotionally/mentally-  never did I use hitting myself to cope with any of these stressors. 

I carry a lot of shame about this.  Thankfully, it is not an issue anymore.

Thank you for broaching this sensitive subject.

[Prototypian]

I never realized I wasnt the only one who did this.   I'm guilty of nail biting, cuticle tearing and picking, teeth grinding, and hitting myself all in anger and anxiety.   And I never had this behavior growing up.   It literally wasn't until marriage that this massive level of self hate got started and I'm completely in tune to her moods.   The more upset she gets the more I tend to self harm.   Weird thing is that all three of our kids do the same thing with the nails and cuticles as a response.  It can't be genetic as it's not something I did before I married her

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Well, this topic certainly struck a chord with me so thought I would reply. I began self-harm when I was in my early 20's. For me, it surfaced as an eating disorder, bulimia. It started slowly, but it gave me such a sense of relief. I got hooked on the feeling of temporary release. I knew what I was doing and was extremely ashamed by it. I tried to figure out where it was coming from and it never made sense. Eventually I stopped the behavior, but always felt like I had this part of me disconnected from the rest. Then I had a lightbulb moment about ten years ago when I started reading about scapegoating and narcissism in parenting and CPTSD. For me, it finally was clear. That disowned part of me found a place. The emotions I was unable to express growing up, the projected shame I took on and carried, etc. It seemed I was textbook.

[Hazy111]

Skin on thumbs beside the thumb, till they bled. Healed up and started again. Not so much deep self harm, as an anxiety response. (Im doing it as I type.)

All of this stuff I know is a response to early childhood trauma/abuse. Stress relief. Addictions, compulsions, phobias etc are all related.

[losingmyself]

When I was married to my exH, I harmed myself because my heart hurt so much, that the external pain was a distraction. I remember scraping my hands with my fingernails until they bled, or whacking my arm against a door frame. I did it so hard one time, I thought I had to go to the hospital. I don't really know why I stopped.
But that was my reason.

[Boat Babe]

My grandmother used to bite the skin by her nails. She did it all her life. She had definitely experienced childhood trauma. Never knew anyone else who did that. Nail biting yes, but not skin nibbling.

I've self harmed with cigarettes all my adult life, with a few breaks here and there. Have just gone three weeks nicotine free with only one slip. I really don't be want to be smoking again.

[Andeza]

Well, Boat Babe, today you meet someone else that does that finger chewing. Hi!

I think the worst part of it, and the part that's made it such a battle over the years is a combination of yes, it does work, and also I do it subconsciously and frequently don't realize what I've done until I've drawn blood. And no, it doesn't hurt either, not until you hit a nerve and then Youch! I've had a cuticle cream on my amazon wish list for over two years now. I want it because I think my brain will steer clear of chewing or picking if I put something weird on my hands, and also I'm drawn to pick at the normal little tears or dry spots around the cuticle in an effort to smooth them out. Need to just go ahead and buy the darn thing I guess. Hmm. Yeah, probably gonna do that now.

I used to pick at my scalp, running my fingers over it feeling for little hard edges. Self-diagnosed myself with a mild-form keratin disorder because of that and fixed it when I moved to more natural products. Nothing to pick at, problem solved. Go figure!

It's a bit freeing to fess up. I live my life holding onto these dark little secrets and not really sharing them. It's not even something I really discuss with DH, and he's always open to discussion in the pursuit of improvement. I'm not ashamed exactly, not sure what emotion goes along with it frankly.

The scary thing is that I think, just think don't know, that it signifies that I'm still carrying around some portion of the trauma, extremely negative energy, and abuse that I suffered through in my youth. I want none of it. I'm happy to shed it all, drop the negative emotions that uBPDm was always trying to dump on me, and be done. But I suppose the journey is ongoing, and I still have to deal with leftover crap.

[Hepatica]

I want to respond to all of you with the most heart felt thank you.

Thank you for sharing each of your examples and stories. I personally think this is one of the hardest parts of being a survivor of abuse, because it is done when we are alone and feeling so bad, and we are beyond frustration, the pain of the negative emotions has to move through us somehow and we can't push back against the abuser. So where does that energy go? Sometimes it becomes self-harm.

I want there to be no shame about this (self-harm) anymore. These are outward expressions of the severe emotional pain we are in. And it's time for us to put that shame where it belongs.  No longer on us, but back on the abuser. I don't mean we literally hurt back the abuser because that never helps - but understanding it came from them, and it no longer should be re-enacted against ourselves. We have to somehow transform that abuse into the opposite - self-care and compassion. Any bad energy of harm has to be creatively dealt with. Run it out. Punching bag it out. Write it out. Paint it out. When we do this we heal ourselves, rather than becoming our own abuser.

I think that sharing our stories (in a safe place like this forum) is one way to bring some light to the darkness. No more hiding. We are not bad people. We were hurt by people and we didn't know how to manage the energy of that kind of pain.

The self-harming is a story, a physical example of something that we almost have no way to describe. We have to find ways to put words to the pain, or find actions that move the energy through us in a healthier way.

I am so grateful for all of your responses. I thought that I was a strange person for having these aggressive feelings of frustration toward myself. I don't want anyone else to feel this or experience this, but I also don't want people to keep it hidden. We can get help for this. And talking about it openly is probably the first step in moving toward the help we deserve.

[Kat54]

I can't believe this subject has come up and while I've never talked about it to anyone except on this forum bringing it up a few times.
Mine started when I was in grade school around the time of my mothers first suicide attempt. As a young kid you don't correlate the two but it was an extremely stressful time with my mother being in a psyche hospital for a month.  I used to hit my arms and legs with a hammer and was covered in bruises, no one even noticed. Maybe it was a way for attention, which I never got because like I said, no one noticed. But my parents sent me to therapy for a few sessions after my mother got home and I never said anything then because gradually I stopped. In my older teen years and again around my mothers second suicide attempt I was having  eating issues like forcing myself to vomit after meals. Never told anyone and as with the hitting never did or say anything again until the end of my marriage. I think the end of my marriage almost killed me, and I had suicidal thoughts but also started cutting my arms and legs. It was stress and it for some crazy reason made me feel slightly better or made me not think of the other crap going on. It was starting to scare me and went to intense therapy, but again I didn't share that with the therapist. I was afraid she would hospitalize me. 
Being divorced and single has been so much better for me. Relationships cause me stress and the trauma from my childhood I think doomed my marriage. There are many causes for self harm and being alone with myself, writing in a journal, doing meditative yoga, and my art has brought me more peace with the demons in my head. I don't feel like I'm some damaged person but had to find peace and harmony and that was the path that brought me out on the other side. Some days I struggle but have had more better days than bad.

[Hepatica]

Kat54, thank you for bravely sharing. I think we've moved into a very painful subject and all I wish is that we shine the light of compassionate understanding on how hard it is to experience a childhood where we witness abuse, suicides and/or attempts, and dysfunction in general that drive us behind closed doors to try so hard to manage our pain, sadly, alone.

That is what makes me want to bring this up. As I thought about the times where i went through a range of self-harm - from how I ate, how I isolated, how I screamed, yelled, hit at myself, all testament to the intense emotional pain we are in to do these kinds of things. I mean if we compare it to physical pain, what do we do if we are in intense pain? We yell, we scream, we moan, we, at times, lash out. It is the same with emotional pain and yet there we are feeling pain and then we also get heaped with shame.

No more shame about this. This pain is real, real as physical pain. It's, at times, unbearable and yet we don't have someone sit with us and help us. We bear it alone.

It is so strange that the world has removed compassion from emotional pain, and instead pathologized it. It is not something wrong with us. It is what has happened to us and how much it hurt us.

Kat54 i'm so glad you found an outlet with meditative yoga, journaling and art. I use all of these methods as well and I also find a fast paced walk in nature really helps, especially with a good friend who understands.

Love to all of you who have shared and all of you reading who have felt alone with this. You are not alone!! Please be compassionate to your pain and practice as much self-love and compassion as you can. And surround yourself with compassionate people if you can.