Does anyone ever wonder how on earth did I survive childhood?

[wisingup]

I'm struck by the nanosecond it takes me to go from....I'm ok.....to I'm not worth it....when the inevitable slings and arrows of life happen.

Oh, I do this too. I can feel like my whole foundation of self-worth has been pulled from under me in a heartbeat, when I mess up at work or feel like someone doesn't like me.  My DH is wonderful at propping me back up again, but I need to be better at doing this for myself.

Yes, growing up with an alcoholic enDad and uBPDmom - I did survive, but not unscathed.  I had an eating disorder as a teen & have struggled with life-long anxiety & self-esteem issues.  I am extremely competent and reliable, but it came at a cost.

[Hazy111]

What are the 90% of them like? 

[bee well]

Lately I have spent a lot of time wondering how I survived childhood and beyond. Sometimes I feel shame because it took me until middle age to start coming Out of the FOG. Like, what took me so long to wake up?

I know that's just an Inner Critic attack and do my best to replace that thought with a more positive and realistic one.

I wonder, is there anyone else out there dealing with these thoughts?

To Hilltop specifically. I empathize with you. A great part of what I was subjected to early on was extreme emotional neglect by mother and father, and criticism and glaring and menacing silent treatment and raging on the part of father and later stepfather.

My mother kept me confused (and the focus on her) by telling me how much she loved me as she treated me like sh@t, and reminding me how she got the daylights beat out of her on the daily when she was a kid (and by implication, how fortunate I was). They ignored me and acted like I was the problem for having needs. M was deep in the FOG but her loyalty was always to herself and the men in her life no matter what cost to me and herself.

Whenever I protested I was told that I was horrible, basically, and why was I making her suffer so much.

There were periods of my life where I thought it would have been better to get a beating, that's how bad it was.

A lot of the time I found myself alone and lately I have been wondering where my mother was. I mean, like there are very long spans of time when I cannot remember any interaction with my mother.

Recently I came across some pictures of myself, very young, and they really disturbed me because I thought something was off. I looked back and realized what was missing was a smile that a lot of toddlers have. I think that lack of expression was indicative of my condition.

My parents are gone and I am in NC and VVLC with the rest of the family so that creates space, but it feels very lonely at times. My whole FOO is FUBAR and there is not one of them I can open up to. Nor would I want to--I've tried and seen what happens.

I don't have children and I think it is a blessing because I don't have to worry about protecting them.

Sometimes I feel like I was better off in my young adult years but I believe it was the denial protecting me. I look at what I am feeling now as a healing crisis. I have been dealing with a lot of intense feelings right now and sometimes I feel low but I remind myself that the proportion of my healing crisis is relative to what caused the injury.

Now what I am dealing with is rearranging my mental process as I come out if the FOG and it's become clear lately that even if family is not here I am dealing with their presence in my head. I'm continuing to work on it even though at times I am just tired of it.

There are moments where  I feel like I really am the problem because I don't think I am thriving like I should by now, or doing as many projects as I would like, then I realize I am doing my best and that voice telling me I am the problem is not mine. It belongs to my parents and FOO, their friends, and other abusers.

Back to you H, I am sorry your parents are continuing their old behaviour. That's messed up but if they are doing that to you it doesn't make you messed up.

It's very hard to take that people can and will not change, no matter what level of acceptance we reach. And obviously, it's different from moment to moment. All we can do is ride out the waves, and re-parent, and take care of ourselves. At times I can't stand it, I mean who should have to do that? But I don't think there is another way.

That last one, self care,  is so important for me, as no one really taught me that. I had to learn it for myself. And sometimes I feel cheated because I did not  get things that were so essential early on.

Thriving is like forgiveness in the sense they are both important aspirations, but I feel like there can be a lot of pressure to do both these days. (At least that's what my inner perfectionist tells me.)

While I am at it H I just wanted to say that I notice you put s lot of thought into your replies. That's an act of kindness and also big for your healing. (Thanks to you and all the others out there who continue to put in energy here.)

I guess where I am going with this is that if you are beating yourself up for feeling the way you do at times, please don't be so hard on yourself.

I will step off my soapbox now...I'm not in your shoes but I just want to say I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and I think you deserve to receive a lot of credit for the healing work you are doing.

Have a good day or evening whatever it is when you are reading.

[Hilltop]

Hey Bee Well I saw your reply and can so relate.  Yep middle age and it only occurred to me recently that whilst my father was raging/silent treatment my mother was supporting him.  She enabled him, she was by his side, not saying anything even when he was quite clearly being abusive (emotionally).  She then told me to get self help books from the library and it's only in my mid 40's that I can see how odd this is.  I mean if she was genuinely concerned would she not go with her daughter to the library but of course no, somewhere inside she knew it was odd and wrong.  Then she paraded me around in front of my father with these books, while he turned his nose up (literally) and went back to reading the paper without a word.  So yeah I do get it how my mother was also only loyal to my father.  When I look back there was no support my way, her main focus and concern was him, only him. 

I also relate to the denial being protective, I agree, I was deep in denial in my 20's.  I did think some things were off but just brushed them off.  It's not till now I see how hurtful our relationship is.  I think it's interesting what you said about your old photo's, I am actually going to go back over mine, out of interest.  I also wish I was doing better but that's ok, one step at a time.

p123. Sounds like your Dad was happy to plod along.  Perhaps he had his own demons that he was fighting with and public housing was the best he could do at the time.  So many of these issues are generational trauma and when I look back at my family, I mean none of them dealt with it.  I am trying, I feel at least I have some self reflection, I also have some fleas I'm working on. One of the things I struggle with is low self esteem and underachieving, I was told so often how stupid and worthless I was, I didn't push myself, that's the legacy of generational trauma.  I do try to overcome this and push myself but it doesn't come naturally.  Sometimes it's so hidden it's hard to even notice it's there.

It would be nice if your dad could be proud of your achievements, it would be nice if he cheered you on.  I would not talk to him about work, you have completely different mindsets.  To him a 'jobs a job', he doesn't get what you do.  He doesn't get what it is to achieve.  As he said about work "that's not for people like us", that's his opinion, he is not really seeing you as a separate adult.  He seems to see you as an extension of himself and that is not accurate, it's not reality.

Yes it would be nice if he said he was proud of you and acknowledged your hard work.  It may not be possible for him to get it.  It sucks.

[bee well]

Hi All,
Hilltop,
That is a familiar scenario... From where I stand I see a child who needs some care and attention, and perhaps an attempt at understanding. Then parent basically throws up hands and says "I don't know what to do with you, here's a book!" Meanwhile,  ignoring the huge pink elephant in the room. I mean, really?

If one tried to explain that to an outsider you might get an "Oh, but what's wrong with books? They were just trying to help" (Giving one's child a book would be the intelligent thing to do, right?)

Don't get me wrong, I read a lot of self-help books, mostly trying to repair problems that started in my my FOO. it's all about context though, isn't it?

And then there's the focus on the Spouse's at the expense of the children that seems to be commonplace in many families...It's so unfortunate and damaging. Withholding and taking sides between family members in general goes along with that.

Lately as I work through things a lot of episodes, some similar to what you describe, are falling into place, and patterns are becoming clearer.

Memories keep appearing. As I once heard it described "it's like peeling a slippery caustic onion."

The later we  start to come Out of the FOG, the more layers there are. For me it's too much to process at times and it has to be put aside for awhile.

[Amadahy]

I survived only because Nmom was ignoring until I decided to leave home at 17, when she became engulfing.  (Engulfing feels like love after ignoring, but that's another post.)  While growing up, I literally stayed in the woods all day long (as we lived in a national forest) and felt very safe and loved there.  I will always love and appreciate nature, as it raised me. 

[p123]

Valley boy !

Sorry BB - missed this. Yes indeed.... Pontypridd

[p123]

Todays visit was classic Dad....

I do contract work. Sometimes you have no contract so no income. Sometimes you get loads. Its the way it works....
Dad is OBSESSED with it all.

He started off with asking about my daughter and the activities she does. Thats nice hes taking an interest I though. Nope.
"So now you've got no income you need to cancel all these activities that cost money!!!!".

Honestly, he's like the child catcher out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. My daughters activities probably cost less than 10% of what my mortgage costs - there are bigger fish to fry here!!! But first thing Dad thinks is "stop the kids spending money".. Personally, I'd eat less or sell my possessions just so my kids don't have to suffer. (its not coming to that!)

Dad obviously has a different mindset. I can't remember but you can see how my childhood must have gone. I'm glad I dont remember! Perhaps I'm so traumatised I forget how bad it was......

Jeez sometimes I look at him and think "you are unreal!"

[donutmoonpanda]

I used to say I survived on fumes, but now I say I survived because I'm miraculously resourceful.

I survived only because Nmom was ignoring until I decided to leave home at 17, when she became engulfing.  (Engulfing feels like love after ignoring, but that's another post.)  While growing up, I literally stayed in the woods all day long (as we lived in a national forest) and felt very safe and loved there.  I will always love and appreciate nature, as it raised me.

The same thing happened to me. This sea change from totally ignored child who survived on fumes, to engulfed kid who's nmom can't survive without them.

[GentleSoul]

Wow, what an emotional and horrendous thread.  Thanks everyone for sharing about your upbringings.

I was musing with my brother recently that it is truly a miracle that my mum didn't kill any of us three kids with her extreme violence.   It was just sheer luck that none of us had a serious head injury or died.  Also we all developed very fast reactions to her.  As well as reading the room etc.  Empaths. 

I used to work in child support and it was quite common for narkie ex-husbands to go for custody of the children to punish the mum.  They didn't want the kids to live with them, they just used them as weapons to hurt.  Nasty.

P123, I know Cardiff very well. Before Covid I used to go there a lot for the weekend or days out.  I especially love the Waterfront. 

[p123]

Wow, what an emotional and horrendous thread.  Thanks everyone for sharing about your upbringings.

I was musing with my brother recently that it is truly a miracle that my mum didn't kill any of us three kids with her extreme violence.   It was just sheer luck that none of us had a serious head injury or died.  Also we all developed very fast reactions to her.  As well as reading the room etc.  Empaths. 

I used to work in child support and it was quite common for narkie ex-husbands to go for custody of the children to punish the mum.  They didn't want the kids to live with them, they just used them as weapons to hurt.  Nasty.

P123, I know Cardiff very well. Before Covid I used to go there a lot for the weekend or days out.  I especially love the Waterfront. 

Oh thats awful about the ex-husbands. How can you do that?

Yes, Im not far from Cardiff Bay in newport......

[GentleSoul]

Oh thats awful about the ex-husbands. How can you do that?

Yes, Im not far from Cardiff Bay in newport......

Ah yes, Newport.  I know of it, not been there though.  I was a big fan of Torchwood so was thrilled to see the areas on the Cardiff Bay Waterfront where it was filmed as well as it being a lovely place.  Wonderful bronze statues too.

I think the ex-husbands saw the children as objects to use to hurt their ex-wife.   Tools to use.  Horrible.