My annual What To Do About Christmas post

[bloomie]

square - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. This is bound to be an emotional Christmas and I am thankful you and your dd will be with your mom. I am sure it will be a big comfort to you all.

[Hilltop]

Square I really want you to think about what you just wrote. You wrote "MIL has not objected to me spending the holiday with my mom so that’s fine".  Your dad just died and rather than you processing that you are concerned your MIL will object to where you spend the holidays.  Why would your MIL want your DH to come to her for Christmas rather than be with his wife who just lost her father?

You are so concerned about your MIL's feelings but show no concern for your own or your husbands or your daughters.  Why is this ok?  You are living in fear of this woman.  What can she really do?  Really what?  She can yell and scream, do you need to stand there and listen, no you don't.  She will what bring it up in conversation again and again, is it possible to simply tell her that yes you had Christmas at home and its ok, you'll do it again.

Your MIL has this power because you give it to her, she wouldn't have this control if you changed how you responded to her.  At a time when you should be thinking about your family you are still worried about your MIL.  This makes me really sad.

DD will lose the negative association with Christmas when you stand up and say enough.  It sounds like your DH would like to stay home as well.  You can create nice memories if you want to.  Your MIL really isn't an all powerful being you have to obey, she simply isn't, she is just a person demanding things go her way but her feelings and wants are not more important than yours.  You have given her what she wants for years and have been miserable for doing so.  Why not do what you want and possibly start enjoying your holidays?  If you can't tell her get your DH to text her like he just did and its done.  Continue doing that next year and the year after.

Perhaps your husband will actually like his holiday when he finds himself relaxed at home.  I'm sorry for your loss, I hope being with your mom brings some comfort.

[square]

Thank you all.

Sorry, I wasn't clear, I was just trying to explain the confusing situation. I certainly feel completely entitled to spend my Christmas with my mom or anywhere else. I was just trying to explain to a previous poster that the conflict was about where my H was spending the holiday, not me.

Yes, it's odd that my husband is not spending Christmas with me or attending my father's service. That is a sadly mutual decision. He'd go if I asked him. I have not asked him. He'd go but not want to. Our marriage is not well. I don't want him there because he will be stressed, cannot handle stress, will cause tons of stress. I just want peace.

[square]

Shocking update: MIL responded calmly and accepted it.

I know I look like Chicken Little right now, but there is a significant 22 year history here.

But I think MIL has started to understand that H is not well, for one thing. And SIL has been trying to tell MIL things like to back off on stuff. MIL has shown some signs of trying to work on those things.

I really appreciate that. When people work on themselves, it's a big deal. MIL will always be anxious but maybe she can try to change how she copes a bit.

[bloomie]

Shocking update: MIL responded calmly and accepted it.

I know I look like Chicken Little right now, but there is a significant 22 year history here.

But I think MIL has started to understand that H is not well, for one thing. And SIL has been trying to tell MIL things like to back off on stuff. MIL has shown some signs of trying to work on those things.

I really appreciate that. When people work on themselves, it's a big deal. MIL will always be anxious but maybe she can try to change how she copes a bit.

Square - This is a compassionate and hopeful view to take of this good update of your mil's acceptance. Whew! What a relief to be able to move on from this concern you were holding.