Confirmation that I'm Not Crazy

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I was in a similar situation years ago - my ex was the fun parent, and I was the boring one. 

My children know who is dependable, who can help with homework, who will remember to get that form signed and returned, who will remember to have a physical scheduled so they can play sports, who signs them up for driving classes, who can find that certain item that they lost, who is able to handle their own emotions as they get older,....you get it.

They may find you the boring /un-fun parent, but as they get older they will know who is their solid foundation.  You.  So, keep it up.  Let him take them to Chucky Cheese and all the rest....you be the stable rock for them.

[Worthy of Care]

I'm the boring/bad one who says "no, we can't go to Chuck E. Cheese every week." It sucks.

Yes, it does suck. My kids are adults now so I'm not put in the position of "bad guy" very often. It does still happen and I still have resentment for not only being the "bad guy," but for holding so much responsibility for parenting when it should have been shared.

They may find you the boring /un-fun parent, but as they get older they will know who is their solid foundation.  You.  So, keep it up.  Let him take them to Chucky Cheese and all the rest....you be the stable rock for them.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Having to be the stable parent almost all the time does suck, it's hard, and I get resentful too. 

I do believe that my 17 year old enjoys the quiet times with me - we will got out to get a quick breakfast and play cards or chess.  Not even talk - just sit.  I think he enjoys the peace.  His dad is so often either the FUN guy or the ANGRY guy; there's no in between.  At times, I think my son doesn't enjoy the FUN guy as much any more, I think he sees that it is shallow.

[Lauren17]

uNPD stbxh is working hard to be the fun parent. This seems to be pretty common, hence the Disneyland Dad term. 
The thing is, he's being "fun" in classic coercive manner. He doesn't give them a choice of activities. They have to participate in whatever fun he's chosen for the weekend. Dissension is punished by guilt trips and silent treatment.  I have to wonder how he thinks this will work.
Oldest DD told me Dad does this so they want to be at his house instead of Moms. (Out of the mouths of babes)
Youngest DD begs me to let her have quiet time alone when she gets back to my house.

[Gettintired76]

I've gone through both situations, and it does seem that they do the "nice" things to tick off a list they compartmentalize for later use against " see what I've done for you!" My ex ex takes the good guy bad guy game a step further, she wouldn't tell me anything that was going on until the last minute, then throw it out at the last minute when she knew there was nothing that could be done, then blame me to the kids for not being able to do whatever it may have been. I was considered the boring parent because I was the voice of reason "no you can not have a toy every time we leave the house", etc. where as example being she got about $7500 tax refund, roughly $5000 went to toys and eating out, I got $900 roughly all of which went to school clothes shoes and supplies.

[Worthy of Care]

Thank you PlantFlowers, Lauren, & Gettintired for sharing your experiences and thoughts.


Never more than a "one" on the scale of intimacy.

I visualize my relationships in concentric circles. The inner most circle are those with whom I am most intimate. Going outward, the intimacy decreases. The outer most circles are casual relationships.

Last month my H had a big event that was a three hour drive away. He was going to the town the night before with other people. I briefly had the thought of getting up really early the day of the event, driving to the event, and surprise him by being there to support him. I quickly realized that even though it would be a big sacrifice of time and energy to do that, it wouldn't add to our intimacy or mean more to him than if I made him a cup of coffee.

For many people, different things add to increased intimacy; time spent together, doing special things for a person, sharing feelings with the person, etc. For my H, no matter what I do, the intimacy scale doesn't go past a "one." After the research that I've done about AVPD, I know that many things which normally result in more intimacy with someone, result in more walls being errected.

[Worthy of Care]

I found myself imagining a scenario with my H, once again. Lauren, your words came to me; "the puzzle pieces will never fit." It helped me to shorten the time that my mind spent imagining a processes or working things out with him, that will likely never be worked out.

It's the cognitive dissonance.
Your brain knows the "right" answer to the conversation. But the feedback you got didn't fit that. So, your brain is running through the scenario over and over again, trying to make the pieces fit.
It's not helpful because the pieces will never fit.

[Lauren17]

I'm so happy to hear that something shared here helped you.
That's exactly the power of this forum. The understanding of people who have been there. And tips for coping and healing.
Hugs.