what age did u know parents were not normal?

[Sneezy]

With my MIL, it was over 30 years ago, when I first met her, that I knew something was "off."  I was in my twenties at the time.  MIL played by her own rules.  I had never met anyone quite like her before.  It took another 20 years or so before I stumbled onto the definition of histrionic personality disorder and then eventually found my way to this website.

With my own mom, it wasn't until she moved near me about three years ago, so I was well into my fifties.  She had me so well-trained that I thought every "good daughter" catered to their mother's every need.  It took anger - lots of anger on my part - to realize that I was being manipulated.  Then the lightbulb went off.  Still not sure if it's covert NPD or waif BPD, and I'm still working through the anger.  But this website has been my salvation!

[mary_poppins]

I thought my parents are loving and dysfunctional BUT normal up until I went to college and left my childhood home for the first time. My NM started crying (fake crying) not to go and leave her and it was so weird. It made me feel like shit. I thought all children move out eventually for studies in other cities and she was prepared. But no, she had to cry like a baby and beg me to study somewhere in my city so she wouldn't have to 'worry' about me.
In her language worry means 'control'.
'I need to control you and micromanage your life and I can't do that if you're 300km away' -basically that's what her crying meant.

[Adria]

I remember screaming when my father would pick me up when I was a baby.

[Boat Babe]

I remember screaming when my father would pick me up when I was a baby.

That's awful Adria.

[daughter]

Seven, realized nmom was dishonest, duplicitous, and took pleasure to punish me without cause, likewise fearful ndad ready to physically punish me at nmom's request without reason. 

I think there was a kink dynamic.

[Worthy of Care]

Late teens, left home, went into therapy.

[bee well]

I would say 2-3. I have some fleeting memories that go back to this time, and remember the fear and sadness I felt. Then around 5-6, it really started to sink  because I would see families on TV, and got to know some teachers, and a few kids and their families who were different.

In spite of knowing things were not "normal," and trying to resist at various points,  I  "normalized" what was going on around me. Perhaps because  I had a lot of friends in similar situations, and my parents' friends were also dysfunctional.  (Normal was definitely not the norm in the community where I grew up.)

I was well into middle age when I was hit by  the proverbial "spiritual 2 x 4" and fully "got it."

I think the "normalizing" (denial is a better word) was a defense mechanism- I don't know how I would have survived had I "got" how bad things were early on.

[Justme729]

I recall being 7 years old and asking my dad if they were going to get a divorce.  My mom had thrown spaghetti, all the dishes, and other dishes on the floor and stormed out of the house.   I also recall little tidbits like my dad saying to just cry and she will stop spanking.  Things were pretty whatever though for awhile - she just was a "hot head."  Eventually, she started interfering in my friendships.  Calling the other parent and saying their child had some some injustice towards me.  I mean, sometimes it was warranted - sometimes it was just her being extra.  Really thats how I viewed a lot during my elementary and middle school years.  She was hot tempered and tended to be extra - making a mountain out of a molehill.  We just learned to expect mom to blow up at someone, somewhere, at any given time.

I didn't realize it wasn't just her being "extra" until high school. I finally was able to put a name to it - she was being emotionally/verbally and physically abusive.  I mean, I said something in middle school about calling CPS - but I didn't really articulate it to abuse or PD.  My parents had separated and she was dating someone new.  I saw all kinds of bruises on her and so did my friends.  They asked.  The internet really took off when I was in high school.  I thought she was just an alcoholic with an abusive boyfriend.  Things kinda just went downhill from there.  She is mostly stable now - she still has a lot of the PD traits, but the erratic moods are treated medically. 

[pianissimo]

I remember feeling disconnected as a teenager, but, until two years ago (36), I thought it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

Here, people tease children by asking whom they love more, the mommy or the daddy. I remember thinking "neither", but I wasn't able to give this answer, because, I suppose, the question doesn't allow for that possibility. There might be occasions, I told people the one I disliked less.

[MamaDryad]

I learned it young (6 or 7) but forgot it over and over again until I'd been out and safe for a while. I think what happened is that each time I'd realize it, I'd convince myself that it was my fault. I also realized that my mother is an alcoholic long before I realized she has a PD.

[magnetron]

When I was 6 I wondered what my mothers parents would say if they saw how nasty she was when they weren't there (they lived 140 miles away so we didn't see them often).

[Marmiteh14]

But no, she had to cry like a baby and beg me to study somewhere in my city so she wouldn't have to 'worry' about me.
In her language worry means 'control'.

Oof, I feel this. I honestly thought my mum was normal and that my parents were over-cautious but it was only as I hit my early 30s that I realised it wasn't normal.

I was so indoctrinated that I would call her to tell her what I'd done wrong, to my mind so she wouldn't "worry", but actually it was to give her a stick to beat me with.... 

[blacksheep7]

12, I just think of my face in that family picture that I have.......it said it all

[gfuertes]

Preschool.  I knew something was wrong with my mom, but it wasn't until high school that I began to think there might be a name for it; that perhaps it was a recognizable behavior pattern other people exhibited, too - with a discoverable source, like childhood trauma or a chemical imbalance - as opposed to a unique, challenging personality.  When I was younger, I just thought there were a lot of people my mom simply didn't like very much.  When I was in preschool, the only two people I felt aware of her not really liking were me and my dad.  But I also had a clear sense that it wasn't reasonable for her to feel that way; that although a reasonable person might get upset about this or that specific thing my dad or I did from time to time, that neither of us was "bad" such that a person close to either of us shouldn't like us.  That core confidence has waxed and waned over the years, but I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I'm as sane as I am, now.

But I was in my 40's, with my little sister and baby niece living with me during a high-conflict court battle with her scary narcissist ex...while my sometimes-scary narcissist husband was simultaneously prosecuted for fraud in federal court and went to prison...before I had this snail's-pace epiphany:  "My sister and I are attracted to the same type of men, and they're bad, damaged men.  Someone who didn't know our father would surely assume that's the type of man he is.  But he isn't.  So how do you explain this?"  I began reading about narcissists, and for the first time heard the concept of a covert or fragile one, and it was as though all the literature on that had been written specifically about our mother.

And suddenly it made a lot of sense, that even though neither my sister nor I are idiots, we'd both tolerated idiotic-seeming amounts of gaslighting, blame-shifting, volatility, emotional abuse and emotional lack of availability from our partners, and still found ways to see those relationships as loving and desirable, and found ways to blame ourselves for the problems, or at least to task ourselves with total responsibility for fixing them.
Our relationships with our mother had a lot of those same hallmarks. 

And while that sounds awful, putting it into words, overall it was a really positive ephipany.  Seeing things more clearly makes it easier to draw and enforce boundaries, which makes it easier to get along with Mom.  And realizing that she probably has a diagnosable condition, that probably stems from her own parents having serious issues, makes it easier to not take her more challenging behavior personally, or to feel like it's what I deserve, or should seek from other people.   It seems evident that she does love and feel attached to us, in her own way.  So it's good to be able to accept that from her, in the ways she's able to show it, and to step back and disengage from the unhealthy things that crop up...and to meet some of her needs that I'm able to meet, while letting go of needing things from her that she's not necessarily withholding; she just doesn't have them to give.  Mostly, it's good to see clearly that I can't "fix" her, and I don't need to waste any more time in relationships with other people who make me feel the way she does, and subconsciously trying to fix them, or fix myself to make things work with them.

[Hazel Eyes]

I was around 4 years old.

[Liketheducks]

I was about 6 when I realized my father was physically abusive....that other dads didn't rage like he did.    I was just shy of 50 when I realized that, while not condoning or excusing his behavior, my mom had an equal part in the abuse and that SO many families deal with this.

[freedom77]

Around 5...but really knew it in my teens. As a smaller child it was a subliminal awareness that sort of hummed beneath the surface, think maybe I was blocking it out. In my teens though, my BPD mother was so jealous of my youth and looks that she turned violent toward me and made my life an ever living hell, so there was no blocking that out.

[Beowolf]

I knew my BPD father was not normal from a very young age. Perhaps 4 years old. The atmosphere he created was just so unpleasant compared to anyone else in my life, and my healthy relatives all seemed to loathe and dread him. It wasn't until I was in my mid-20s that one of his best friends told me he suspected my father had a personality disorder. And then it was many years before I began to understand and accept he had a genuine condition. So it really took me about 35 years to fully appreciate just how deeply 'abnormal' he was.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you everyone for your sharing in here, I have found them a great comfort.

My uPD mother told me in my 30's or so that from toddler age I would pull away from her, would not let her hug me.  I don't remember it.

Of course she said it as if I was the most horrible person in the world but on reading this thread, I can see why I did.  An instinct in me, I think.  Before I had words or understanding.

[palmtreeparadise]

I had a tough teenage life but kind of just chalked it up to being a teenager. I worked in a fam business and it was torture. Always getting yelled at... always being around them.

But - it was not until about 25 that i realized - after getting married and moving out. Things just got worse and worse, i was burdened by high expectations they had of me and i was given silent treatment if i did not do as they asked.. even if i hesitated i was yelled at. A lot of my family issues were about money and the expectation to help your family with money and i am always happy to do so when its necessary but when its not i have gotten in trouble for saying no.