Changing my name for protection (& your experience)

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

I thought a lot about changing my family name for almost a year. (into another local name that I chose for myself)
I've asked some people in a support group and some have changed their family names legally-it was easy but they had to pay something I guess.

This process is not common so I am feeling very weird/put-off about it. It's such a life-changing experience to become someone else.

But.. changing my name will be like signing the family 'divorce' papers. It will seal the deal when it comes to me going NC. Not to mention the advantages I'll get from having a different surname-my family won't be able to find me easily online/offline and they can't use my contact details anymore.

By the way, unfortunately, my N mother used my name to get a loan since she can't get a loan in her name (she's/was full of debt). She never asked me for permission, she just went on and started a new loan. (yes, it is VERY easy to get a loan in my country since no one here can afford a normal life from their salary). In a way, the decision to change my name was provoked by my decision to NC and the news of my NM getting a loan in my name.

NM is so scheming, secretive and manipulative, she'd use me and my information to get her needs met (mostly financially but who knows what else she's capable of?).

If you managed to change your name to protect your privacy/address/information from your PD parents, let me know if the process was easy or not, how long did it take and especially, how did you feel emotionally about it? Did you feel as if you can finally start your life over?

BTW, another reason for changing my family name is because it's damn ugly Seriously, it's not even common in my country to have my name.
Of course, if my family was normal, healthy, I'd probably not have any problems with it..but who knows? It's all psychological anyway, right?

[Starboard Song]

In the US, we were able to change my wife's name easily, removing her maiden name from her legal name. It is changed here on the approval of a judge, for a nominal fee of way less than $100. We got that done for $40 in less than 2 weeks. In the US, judge's will pretty much approve anything if you don't have a criminal record and can tell a decent story about your reason: "I am estranged from my family and no longer want to be identified with this surname" seems sufficient, but it can be different in different places, of course.

It is made effective by updating your name with places like your credit cards, the IRS, and the Post Office. We got that done in another couple weeks.

It is made perfectly complete, so you never see that old name again, only when you contact every single place with your name on file and get them to update it. That is mostly done, but can really never be perfectly complete. The old name will always pop up somewhere from time to time.

Good luck!

[mary_poppins]

Starboard Song-that's great to hear it was easy to change your wife's name. And cheap, too.
I guess I need to tell the authorities the truth about my family so they'll consider the name change. This is something I need to do and it's scary.

Thanks.

[Boat Babe]

On the practical side, it depends on the legislation around changing names in the country you live in. If it's the UK, it's super easy.  Then, you would have to change the name on all your documents, which sounds like an administrative pain, but again, it's doable.

Women traditionally changed their names with marriage, so it's a thing that half the population have done, and most still do, without much introspection.  People in in the Arts also change their names as a matter of course and no-one blinks an eye. And people do it just because they want a name that better reflects their personality/religion/politics.

If it will make you feel better and if it will protect you from stalking, harassment and theft, then I would do it! You could be Mary Poppins for real!

[mary_poppins]

Women traditionally changed their names with marriage, so it's a thing that half the population have done, and most still do, without much introspection.  People in in the Arts also change their names as a matter of course and no-one blinks an eye. And people do it just because they want a name that better reflects their personality/religion/politics.

Yeah, I think it's not as uncommon or weird as my mind wants me to think but it does lead to that much-needed emotional separation from FOO. Thx.

[JustKeepTrying]

I just helped a young man who recently turned 18 change his last name.  He wanted to separate from his mentally ill biological father.  Here in the US, it required a fee to file with the courts, a set amount of time to review and placement in a paper (could be any newspaper anywhere so the dad wouldn't have to see it we chose a tiny tabloid 100 miles away), and a court appearance.  All done in 90 days and then all the changes after like the bank, online, credit cards, post office, grocery et al.

I changed my name with the divorce.  I was so glad to be rid of it and even though my name is different from my son's it doesn't seem to matter to much anymore.

Go for it!  It could bring you real peace of mind.

[bee well]

 It doesn't sound like a weird decision at all.

A friend of mine changed his name and was happy he did. I am not sure if he did it to protect information, but it was an important step in liberating himself from the influence of a very harmful uN family member. We talked about it years after the decision was made, and he had no regrets. It helped him start his new life.

I would think in advance about how you want to frame it, though, if and when announcements need to be made. I would avoid explanations, unless you are sharing with someone you trust.

[Whitesheep45]

I don't have experience but from what I've gathered it seems more common to change name than we may think ..
I have an ex friend who changed her whole name .
I changed my middle name and love it . I have thought about changing my surname but don't seem to have energy to change all the associated accounts etc . Maybe one day .
My experience of changing middle name has been great because im using it as both and double barrel name and also as my surname sometimes when it's not legal things ....
It's given me another confirmation of the new me

[DaisyGirl77]

I changed my middle & last names less than a year ago.  All told, it cost me about $300 (court filing fee, new license & amended birth certificate).  My state eliminated the newspaper announcement requirement at least 15 years ago so I didn't have to worry about that.  The hearing was virtual, due to COVID, & the judge I had was really nice.  It took 5 minutes, & at the end she confessed that name changes were her favorite thing to do & she wished she had a confetti popper to celebrate it.   The only issue I had was with my dad, who was betrayed & hurt that I'd chosen to do it.  But marriage isn't on the horizon at present for me (I don't even have an SO), so doing this made the most sense.  He took a few days to work through it on his own.  He's still angry over it, but it helps that I didn't go the path my sisters did (they have our mother's maiden name as their last name), & instead chose my own new last name.

Frankly, I wish my dad's surname would die out.  His family is made up of terrible people.

I still have a couple accounts that need changing, but meh.  I'm at the point where I don't care about them anymore, lol.

[moglow]

My name change - I was married and divorced young, kept the married name because the ex said I couldn't, according to him I "had" to change my name back. Hard headed me said no. Years later my Daddy was very ill and we were having a late night heart to heart talk - he said it had always bothered him that I didn't take the family name back after my divorce. I decided that's something I could and would do. He passed away within just a few weeks and I promised myself [and him] that I'd do it, BUT had to sign legal docs using my then legal name, so I had to delay.

About a year later my attorney friend called and said he had one more thing for me to finish, and the estate would be closed. I broke down and cried, thinking it was never going to be over, but as instructed went to his office. He had me sign one paper then flipped a packet of paperwork around on his desk, said it was for my legal name change. He'd already paid the fee, all I had to do was complete the form and sign it then the judge's office would call me in for a brief hearing. DONE!

It surprised me that I couldn't just flip back to my maiden name, it was my name originally after all. It took some time and finagling to get my name changed on insurances, employment, social security etc and every time I thought I was through something else popped up I'd forgotten. But I'm glad I did it. It settled something in my heart that was needed.

For you - I hope you'll give yourself some time to think it all the way through, what this would do for/to you going forward. Moving out and going no contact are going to be big for you and may take some time to adjust after all that's happened. I'm just hoping you allow for emotional healing once you're out, focus on the big picture and where you want/need to be and not let the details beat you up.

[Mintstripes]

I changed my first and last names a decade ago because I no longer wanted to be associated with my FOO. I also just always hated my name and needed a fresh start.
It was a little complicated where I lived at the time, but complete worth the stress and money spent.
It was one of the best things I ever did.

[SeaSalt]

Mary Poppins I think we have the same mother..

I took my husbands last name when we got married and it help me a lot. Its not same as changing it completely but to me it helped me a lot to move on and feel line another person. I think changing name completely can help a lot to progress and leave past in past.

[Boat Babe]

I changed my first and last names a decade ago because I no longer wanted to be associated with my FOO. I also just always hated my name and needed a fresh start.
It was a little complicated where I lived at the time, but complete worth the stress and money spent.
It was one of the best things I ever did.

That is so cool.

[Associate of Daniel]

Sorry for the long post. This has turned out to be quite clarifying and cathartic for me!

I took my husband's surname when we married.

I believed it was the right thing to do. But he also said that if I didn't, we wouldn't get married. (Red flag, anyone?)

Fast forward nearly 12 years, he left.  He insisted I change back to my maiden name. He even told me there was an email address available using my official first name and maiden name.

I refused.

I kept the name because we had a young son whose surname was the same as his father's.  I thought it would be confusing enough for him to explain that his parents were separated (and his dad had another woman), without having to explain that his mum had a different surname from himself.

I also knew that in some situations it would be administratively complicated if ds and I had different surnames from one another.

It turned out to be just as well that I didn't change it.

Ds's uNPD smother started to pretty much try to pass herself off as his mum.  I lost count of the number of times I had to redirect conversations with doctors etc over to me.  The looks on their faces when they realised that I was ds's mum and she wasn't, were infuriatingly priceless.

Fast forward another 8 years or so.  Ds was now about 13.  I was entirely sick of my last name.  My maiden name is far nicer, far more interesting and far less common than my married name.

And it's more - me. You know?

I also want to honour my elderly parents by changing back to their name. (They've never asked me to.  In fact I can't recall having more than one or two conversations about it with them.  It's just my wish.)

There have been no men in my life since uNPD (ex)H left and I'm not expecting to ever remarry.  I'm also rethinking the whole changing to the husband's surname when marrying thing anyway.

I still wanted to wait until ds had finished school before officially changing my surname.

So I changed it on a couple of things that don't require government approval:  My library card and Zoom - that's about it.  I can't think of anything else that doesn't require government approval.

I did set up an email address. I'm thrilled because I managed to get one with my preferred first name and maiden name, and no fancy numbers afterwards because there are so many of us!  Seems I'm the only one with that name on that email service!

I use that email for family and friends.  Who cares if I now have 5 email addresses!

The first time I collected reserved items from the library after I changed my name was an experience.

Due to Covid it was click and collect only. I arrived to find about 20 bundles laid out awaiting collection.  I couldn't find mine so I wondered if it had been missfiled.  I started searching from the beginning (they were in alphabetical order) and suddenly saw my maiden name on one of the bundles.  It hadn't been missfiled.

I was elated.  I felt almost liberated. Grinned from ear to ear. Then on the walk back to the car I burst into tears.  Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.  Over library books!

Fast forward another 2 years.  My name situation remains the same.  Ds15 still has another 4 years of school ahead of him.

My name situation has now become very confusing.

1.  I keep forgetting to introduce myself with my maiden name.

2.  I struggle to quickly work out which name is appropriate in on the spot situations.

3. I struggle to work out which name is appropriate anyway.

4.  I struggle to remember which name I've used with the latest introductions to people.

5.  Filling out forms can be complicated.

It's frustrating. And I know the struggles could be fairly easily fixed if I just officially change my name.  Here it's a matter of a few forms being submitted (with a fee), then spend a day taking new documents around to the relevant places.  No court or laying my life bare explaining why I want to change my name.

But I still want/need to keep the married name.  Ds's uNPD smother is still in the picture causing problems.

So, going by my experience, I suggest if someone wants to change their name, think long and hard on all the scenarios you'd be faced with.  Then if you decide to change it, do it with everyone in one fell sweep.  Don't put yourself in limbo like I've done.

Men don't have this problem when they marry/divorce. (Sigh).  At least not in my country/culture.

AOD

[Mintstripes]

I changed my first and last names a decade ago because I no longer wanted to be associated with my FOO. I also just always hated my name and needed a fresh start.
It was a little complicated where I lived at the time, but complete worth the stress and money spent.
It was one of the best things I ever did.

That is so cool.

Thanks, Boat Babe!

The crazy thing is that I regrettably and reluctantly took on my N ex-H's last name when we got married (I posted about him
and my escape at length here years ago). He (obviously) didn't care how much my names meant to me and how hard I worked to get them.

I tell you, I was THRILLED when the judge granted me permission to use my former last name when the divorce was final. I got to experience getting the last name that I chose all over again. Wish I never gave it up in the first place, but I won't be too hard on myself. In the 3-ish years that I was married, I never felt like an ex-h-Last Name.

[GentleSoul]

I changed my surname from  my family of origin name.  I found it a big help. 

I just picked a surname I really liked and changed it.  It was very simple to do and didn't cost anything.   I was in my mid 20's.

[Andeza]

In our state it's $300 a person (we are four of us) plus fingerprinting at the police department, and DH, now that we've been NC with his parents for a few months, wants to change the last name. He does not like and has never liked his last name. Heck, he didn't like his first name either and has been going by a different one for years now. The only thing that held him back from changing anything before now was a vague desire not to potentially insult his enF by rejecting the family name.

We're looking at an ancestral name from 300 years ago that he feels is a better reflection of himself. I don't particularly care one way or the other beyond the inconvenience of changing it everywhere (which he offered to take care of so that the burden of his decision doesn't fall on me). My maiden name was Italian and got mispronounced regularly. Our married last name gets pronounced correctly but misspelled. The new one he likes is going to be both mispronounced and misspelled (it's Swedish), almost willing to bet money on it! But it's nothing we're not used to. 

I think if I can, and if it doesn't cost extra money, I'll throw in an additional middle name that's a better reflection of myself and who I really am, as opposed to the extremely common, generic name my uBPDm chose for me. Also as opposed to the equally generic and common name I had at birth prior to my adoption. Nothing wrong with common or generic names, just... not who I am. Lol.

But none of this is in order to disappear or protect ourselves. Our pwPDs are not that stalkerish or violent or otherwise nuisances yet. I imagine eventually his parents will find out, probably through his sister or his aunt, but even though I don't expect them to react well, I don't particularly care.

[1footouttadefog]

Our names are almost as generic and easy to spell as "John Smith" and people still misspell and mispronounce them.