3.5 years with uPD Grandma

[DaisyGirl77]

It just came to my attention that the link I had in my signature about this no longer works.  I did a little research; it looks like this forum's activity pre-2019 got erased. ...I think I missed something.  So I'm recreating what I wrote as best as I can so people can read at their leisure.

For simplicity's sake, I'll refer to eF's family members with the societal relationship even though I claim none with them.  So they'll be my grandparents, cousin, & uncle here, instead of how I typically refer to them when I'm writing on these forums.

TW for PD mindfucks, mentions of thoughts of suicide, unwanted sexual contact (not rape), comparing of body sizes, descriptions of abuse.

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To preface, I grew up in contact with eF's parents relatively frequently.  They babysat me & Sis1 but were unreliable, often calling my parents 1-2 hours into a full day begging them to take us off their hands because they couldn't handle us.  Mind, we were normal toddler children, nothing complicated whatsoever.  (They had no problem caring for the only cousin "Beverly" I have on that side who is exactly 3 months & 1 week younger than me.)  Our parents cut them off from babysitting & found others, then reduced visitations to main holidays & family events.  After I turned...7-8, I think?  We suddenly had no contact.  I don't remember what we were told, but it was probably along the lines of them being in time-out because they hurt our parents or some such thing.  I grew up wanting the TV grandparent bond & being envious of others who had what I lacked, & Beverly & I occasionally discussed wanting to repair the family rift.

Fast forward to 20 year old me & I had a greater understanding of why we'd been cut off.

Grandpa was a perv (he had a thing for ladies' boobs & liked to sneak a feel whenever he could, including my own mother's boobs, & refused to apologize for it when my father erupted at him for it) & stalked my parents at their apartment--basically checking up on my mother to see that she was where "a good woman was supposed to be" at all times.  When he wasn't doing that, he tinkered with the car, built things, cared for the yard &, when none of this was needed/he couldn't find a good excuse not to be in the house, he was parked in front of the TV which blared news & allowed him to zone out.  He was the epitome of the phrase "man of few words."  I only ever heard him say hi, I love you, & bye.

Grandma "Agnes" was high-strung & prone to outbursts, highly unreliable when it came to babysitting any of her granddaughters (in her traditional marriage, she was responsible for all home & kid-related things), frequently calling my parents in meltdown mode because she can't handle us even though she promised x hours of babysitting &, at some points begged to do so in order to establish a bond between us & her.

Uncle "George" was a huge flake with a penchant for going underground for years at a time before reemerging as though nothing happened, promising big things & a closer relationship, etc. only to go dark before he could be counted on to follow through.  George also liked to run anytime his demons came out to play, & was constantly moving places like he could outrun the demons snapping at his heels.  (Beverly told me they moved a lot because he'd wrecked his credit & had to use hers in order to have heat/electricity/etc. but also never paid the bills, so...as soon as they started closing in, they ran somewhere else.)  He was a former drug addict & alcoholic who only got clean after his daughter "Beverly" was born, but his journey was rough & it took him several years to commit to being sober for good, around the time my cousin turned 3-4.  But he was the child who was a dead ringer for his father, so he was the favorite child.  My father was never given anywhere near the level of help George got from their parents.

Beverly takes after her father in the flaky/disappearing way, but less so.  We reconnected after graduating high school & hung out quite a lot until she ghosted me 2 years into my time with uPD Grandma, when things started going down.  She's contacted me once, after I was on my own, & was ghosted again after I answered her "how're you really?" question honestly.

My dad...  Well, he failed me in a ton of ways, as you'll find out.  Primarily, his fear of conflict caused a lot of said conflict in what happened, which permanently damaged our relationship.  To his credit, he has tried to repair it, but it'll never be like it was.  I know & have seen too much now.

Now that that's out of the way, we can go into the gritty details.  All events took place between 2009 & 2013.

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At 25, I'd been out of work for a year, having been laid off at the cusp of the Great Recession.  My parents had just announced they were divorcing & they were selling the house.  I was told to get out of the house because I wasn't moving in with uNM & my sisters because "it's time to be on your own" even though I was on unemployment with no job prospects & no friends who had a spare room or couch because they were all living with their family, & I was panicking.  Dad approached me saying Grandma would take me in.  In exchange, I'd be Dad's eyes & ears & let him know when he needed to step in for his mom should things go downhill.  So, to me, win-win, & I'd be able to bond with her like I'd always wished.  I also would have access to a whole new job market since I'd long ago exhausted this one.  I left my cat with uNM, stashed the majority of my things in the shared family storage unit split 4 ways between my parents, Sis1, & me, & Dad drove me an hour & a state away to Grandma's apartment in a major city.

All was good for the first 1.5 months, minus storage drama with uNM that drove me to grab my cat & all my storage items & haul it up to my new state because she broke my trust.  (We would be NC for about 2.5 years before reconciling.)  Thanksgiving rolled around.  The guests were my dad's entire side of the family, with Beverly's fiancee, but I was bombed with the news that my dad had a girlfriend & he'd come with her &, in fact, had her waiting downstairs so he could tell us about his new girl (that was all I knew before she came in).  A very awkward meal later, he pulled me aside & asked if everything between us was okay.  He confessed his mother had called him bitching over a thing we teased each other over that she'd started & never told me she didn't find it funny anymore.  She also claimed I never did any cleaning or helped her with anything (which was funny cuz I did all the cleaning).  He let it go & told me to keep at it.

That was my first sign something was wrong, but I chalked it up to old people being old people.

We added ourselves to an internal transfer to a 2 bedroom apartment.  This was when she began claiming my room as her storage room.  Anything she couldn't fit in the rest of the new apartment would be placed in my own room.  Cue a bunch of arguments over it where I threatened to either put it right back in her room or junk whatever she tried to put in mine.

She began expecting me to read her mind when she wanted things but didn't want to say it.  There were more fights surrounding that.  We'd established a system for groceries where, if either of us wanted something or ran out, we'd jot it on the notepad on the fridge.  But she refused to do it for her wants & every grocery trip there'd be "You didn't get this for me?  You didn't get that for me?  I wanted yogurt but you didn't get any?"  & I'd constantly repeat myself: "If it's not on the list, I can't get it."  So then I tried to ask her if there was anything she wanted in the days leading up to it, even asking right before I left for the store.  Always a no, then repeat her refrain.  So the few times I'd remember her wants from last trip on the next shopping trip & get them & bring it back, it was "Ew, I don't want that!  I want this instead!  Why didn't you get it for me?"  Rinse & repeat.  Occasionally it was "I want this, but you don't like it so don't get it."  & then a fight would break out because I'd tell her I'd get it, no no no I don't want it cuz you don't like it, it's fine if I don't like it you want it so you can get it, then she'd yell "I SAID I DON'T WANT IT!"

She did the same thing during conversations:  In the middle of a story, she'd turn to me & say, "Go on, tell 'em what happened next."  Uh, I wasn't there.  Then she'd sulk a little like telling it was too much work or something before finishing it.

I began hearing from my dad & Beverly that Grandma'd tell them I'm lazy because I just sit at my computer all day...never mind that all the actual cleaning of the house was done while she was gone at her weekly bingo meet.  The only thing she had to do was dust, & that was because she decided that chore was her favorite.  I was the one who did all the grocery & household shopping, the meal planning & cooking of said meals, the dishwasher loading up & putting away of dishes, the trash trips, & I did all the care for my cat (as expected).  I even made very minor cosmetic repairs to the house because she asked me to, & balanced her checkbook all the way back a decade because she'd given up.  When this refrain didn't work, she told people I was "lazy because I wouldn't take walks with her."  ...She never asked me to.  Sometimes I didn't even know she'd gone to take a walk, & would only learn of this when she returned.  If I asked her to walk with me or remind her to do some exercises with a foot pedal, she shot me down, saying she's too tired or "Fine, but I'm ONLY walking around the apartment!  I'm not going outside!"

When I cleaned off her TV screens of nearly a decade's worth of dust, she was stunned at how clear the picture was & said she'd never thought to clean it off before.

After this, I caught Beverly stabbing me behind my back with some horrible things, twisting things I'd said to her in confidence, & weaponizing other things to Grandma.  She then got angry at me for defending myself from her horrible, baseless accusations & blew up, claimed she'd dealt with "my bullshit" (hers, she was projecting) long enough & went NC.

She began staring at me with saucer-like eyes, almost like she'd forgotten I was there until I moved.  I began calling her an owl over it.  It was constant.  I was constantly being watched.  I spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom because it was the only way I could escape the stare.

She started telling people, like a broken record, "I want to die before I'm 80." or "80 is my cutoff--I want to die by then."  She said it so often that it became background noise & I stopped reacting to it.  Once, during a huge fight, she said she wanted to die.  I told her, "The stairs are right there.  Throw yourself off them if you're that desperate.  I'll make sure you're dead before I call 911."  She gasped & immediately called her friends to tell them what I'd said.

She began putting me in the mother role, & it was most noticeable when she was sick.  I'd tell her to eat bland food.  She'd eat the greasiest thing she could find, get sicker, possibly vomit, drink tea, get nauseous, then claim I was "the worst nurse ever" because I gave up on trying to help her.  Same for when she complained of an arthritis flare.  She'd purposefully do something to aggravate it when I suggested BenGay, ibuprofen, ice, heat, whatever.  We had multiple fights because she wanted me to clip her toenails for her, & the one thing I'd said was I'd never do anything to her body--she needed to find someone else to do the thing she wanted cuz I wasn't it.  It only stopped when she picked the fight in front of a friend of hers & her friend stepped in & told her "She's told you no many times, stop pushing & accept it."  She started stomping her foot like a child when we had arguments, & demanded attention when I was clearly busy & needed to focus on something, like cooking or when I was applying for a job.

My mental health spiraled.  After another fight with uNM (who was trying to keep contact when I wasn't interested), I went into the stairwell of our high rise apartment building & seriously contemplated suicide.  I couldn't throw myself down the middle (between staircases--they'd installed metal grates on alternate floors), so I considered downing a bottle of aspirin or something.  I didn't, but I was very, very close.

Grandma escalated to wanting me to do everything.  Her constant refrain:  "You didn't do ___ for me?" when it was never discussed.  I was blamed for leaving lights on when I wasn't even there, or had already been in bed.  I didn't do something?  End of the world.  She'd announce she was "all upset!" & walk away, or say "amen" as her signal she was done discussing the thing that upset her so she wouldn't have to admit her mistake or that she was wrong.  She began attacking me for my weight, saying she was "chicken legs" & I was "turkey legs", claim it was a joke, then got "all upset!" when I got upset & said it wasn't a joke, & she needed to stop.  "Amen!"  More:  "Don't eat all those cookies" when I'd only taken two, told people "She's big, I'm tiny", invited someone to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because there wasn't enough room next to me, "think before you eat!", etc.  She laughed when I told her it was hurtful, then was furious when I turned the tables on her so she'd get a taste of her own medicine.  She dished it but couldn't take it.

She started discarding everything I'd said.  Nothing I did or said was good enough.  She only would listen to the men.  My dad had to call more often to mediate our arguments because she'd pick fights & I'd have to call Dad to get her to stop.  So every time she didn't believe me on something or told me I was oversensitive for something, my response was "Call Dad."  He began coming 1-2 times every month to referee.  He told me that he noticed his mom sliding downhill & repeatedly asked me to "hold on & be patient" when I begged him to get her help cuz this was so far beyond my wheelhouse.

After every single argument, she called up her friends & DARVO'd.  Everything she did to me was now stuff I'd done to her instead.  Or she'd only tell half the story & I'd have to jump in & tell them the full, like when she said I was moving my bed to the new apartment first & hers would follow the next day & her friend was incensed & said SHE should be first cuz she's the oldest, etc.  I had to say that it's only because her bed is bolted & mine was the old school latch/hook style that made the decision the way it was.  Her friend then turned to Grandma & said, "Why didn't you say that?  You got me angry at DaisyGirl for nothing!"  She shrugged & hummed an "I don't know" as her response.

Then my dad had a heart attack.  I turned to Grandma's doctor begging her to do some neurological exam to find out what was wrong.  I painted the picture of everything I was dealing with.  She suggested I see a psychiatrist.  I told her that her patient was exhibiting worrying behavioral changes & she needed to do something.  "See a psychiatrist.  Maybe put you on some meds."  I suggested maybe a medication for Grandma was causing these changes, or maybe she needed testing for a UTI.  Nope.  She rejected all these ideas & insisted it was all me.  (The doctor was eventually fired when she failed to catch a serious issue before it landed her in the hospital, but it was after I'd left.)

Grandma began involving me in her appointments, only to tell them I was "lying" when I expanded on her answers.  So I stopped going.  She told Dad I wasn't "helping" & she was "all upset!" over it.  Dad had to call me to find out why I wasn't helping.  I began turning questions around on him:  "Did you ask her what 'help' she was talking about?  Or why I stopped helping?"  ...No.  "Talk to her & then get back to me."  He'd give sheepish apologies for coming at me guns blazing without the details & kept asking me to be patient while he researched.

After she announced to every one of her friends I no longer lived here (with her), I hit my limit & stopped doing everything for her.  Grocery trips were split up to hers & mine.  She began maliciously picking on my cat & wouldn't leave her alone.  She started calling me "evil" & "the devil incarnate", sprinkled in with denials of "I never did/said that!  I bathed you, fed you, cleaned you & you're thanking me THIS way?!"

I had multiple breakdowns in my room, some of which triggered nose bleeds.  I did something I'd never done before or since:  I dumped a glass of water on her.  What'd she do?  Remained where she was.  Video called everyone she could think of to witness the soaking I'd just given her without context.  In the midst of the worst meltdown I'd experienced up to that point, one where I was seriously considering calling 911 to lock me up in the psych ward, my father called ripping me a new one while simultaneously claiming we were causing him heart palpitations from the stress.  All I had to say was "Did you ask for full details or just take her at face value yet again?"  Silenced him immediately.  I hung up.  He called back asking if I'd experienced satisfaction for doing what I did.  I said, "No, actually, I felt unworthy of living here."  Dissolved into more tears.

In October 2012, before Halloween, I'd started asking my dad & George what their plans were for Thanksgiving because I was desperate for even the smallest shred of normality.  My mental health had completely tanked.  I was bottomed out & hanging on by a thread.  They wouldn't commit because it was too early, so I waited until November & renewed my asks.  They continued to refuse committing.  Finally, 2 weeks prior to the day I was told George was taking his mom out for a mother/son day, & Dad had decided to spend the day with his girlfriend, leaving me alone on the holiday.  I had a pretty good day by myself until Grandma returned...with Dad & his girlfriend behind her.

Yeah...  They'd pulled a fast one.  The family Thanksgiving I'd been begging to have for 1.5 months DID happen, only I was uninvited.  Because they thought "we could use the separation."  Cue my dad trying to hug me & me rejecting it, yelling at him & his girlfriend, who was also stunned cuz she was told nothing of the efforts I'd made to have a get together on the day, & Grandma watching the whole scene with a delighted little smirk on her face.  I hid in my room, called Uncle George who didn't answer, of course, & left him a voicemail saying I'd expected better from him being twice my age, among a lot of other nasty (but true) things.

After this, Grandma escalated even more.  She began stalking me around the house during fights, herding me into corners so I couldn't escape so she could yell at me for the latest imagined infraction this time.  One notable thing was when I got tired of it once & did it back to her.  She ran to the phone & told everyone how scared she now was of me.  She attempted to block me from leaving my room/bathroom/the apartment several times.  On a couple occasions she'd searched my room for my therapist's contact information so she could "tell her how awful I am" because I'd refused to hand it over.  On one occasion, she attempted to break down my door to get to me.  To give you a better idea, I was about 3 inches taller than her & had about 150 extra pounds.  I was sitting on the floor in front of the door to block her from opening it, & yet she STILL managed to make the door open an inch from the force she produced in the hallway.  Then called everyone she knew that she was scared of me & I did XYZ things (that she actually did to me, gotta love DARVO), & "I didn't do nothing!  She doesn't help me!  I need help!"  (The last bit was, ironically, the most honest thing she'd ever said, lol.)

Dad began asking if I was "telling the truth" every time I called him with the newest crazy thing his mom had done this time.  My cousin blocked me after I posted on a social media page that "I love my uncle but I don't much like him right now." because he'd sent my dad to do his dirty work instead of coming to me himself.  Beverly, who claimed to be my ride or die bestie.  Poof.  I wasn't surprised.  She'd stopped answering texts after she married because she needed to focus on her husband.  But honestly, it was because I was telling her that Grandma was seriously fucked in the head & she couldn't handle it.  Her MO is to pretend nothing is wrong & can't function when it's smack in her face.

I was told I was relieved of being his eyes & ears & not to interfere unless I found her unconscious.  Great.  "I'm still looking into help for her; be patient."  I'd been patient for three years at that point & asked him when he'd actually DO something.  "Be patient."

We began telling each other that we were "ghosts" to the other person (mainly me to her) every time an argument brewed as a reminder that Dad told us not to interact with each other at all.  Never worked.  I began telling her not to touch me because she used it to yank me into a confrontation.  Never worked.  In January 2013, she crossed the line & shoved me twice in an argument.  I gave her the one freebie she was ever gonna have & warned her that if she DARED to touch me inappropriately ever again, I'd be calling the police.  I reiterated the warning to my dad, who reminded her that the cops could've arrested her if I'd called them.  She was scared...for a while.

At this point I was about 8 months into my job at a big box store.  I had a discussion with one of the managers about my home life & told him that I may not be able to give a proper resignation if I have to run.  He was stunned.  I'd never indicated things were bad at home.  I know one floor manager had suspicions (he was military & noticed that I was constantly shaking/tremoring & my startle reflex was so bad I acted like my body had been hit by lightning a few times), but he never said a word.  The manager told me he'd support me however possible if things shook out that way, which I deeply appreciated.

I was on several medications at this point to try calming me down, but nothing worked.  I spent 3 nights in a homeless shelter in February 2013.  Called the police twice between February & March because she'd actually assaulted me (kicked) during another fight.  The second time, they were so concerned for me that I was told I had to calm myself down or they'd haul me to the hospital for medical attention.  My face was constantly pale--think Victorian porcelain skin, that was me--& I'd dropped nearly 100 pounds in two months cuz I couldn't eat from the stress. 

March:  I confronted my father over his goddamned "be patient" refrain.  Told him I did the research.  Took me all of 5 minutes, & I rattled it all off.  He gasped & knew he was busted.  He never googled.  All this time, he was just hoping I'd suck it up.  I hung up on him after I called him some names.  I got a certified letter from the landlord with Grandma's signature saying she was "afraid for my life" & afraid of me & wanted me gone.  Began selling furniture to raise money for personal expenses.  Then my laptop broke.  It took all the money I'd just raised to fix it.  Then it broke again.  There was no fixing it this time.  uNM brought me her old desktop. 

April:  I had to surrender my cat to a temporary foster I'd found on a message board run by the state.  I officially gave her up 2 years later, where her foster became her mama for good.  She lived a good life & died at the age of 15.  I'd begun talking to people on Craigslist looking for a room in exchange for cleaning & cooking services cuz I was making $30/week at my job.  I didn't even meet the minimum threshold for emergency housing.

I'd begun locking my computer (my laptop & then uNM's desktop) when I had to leave the house.  A good thing I did because George made two separate attempts in February & April trying to break my computer, or at least disable it so I couldn't use the internet.  I told uNM what Uncle George had done.  He only stopped because she called Dad & told him that if he didn't get his brother in line, she was suing him for damages to her personal property.  Dad yelled at me for siccing uNM on him.  I said I didn't care; it's not my property so I'm reporting everything that happens to it.  George left me alone from this point on.  Grandma had also cut off the house phone without warning, so I had to scramble & call my job & doctors & update them using the state phone ("Obamaphone" it was called then--the cheapest Tracfone, a flip phone with 250 call minutes free on the government's dime).

April-May:  I'd also called & emailed everyone I knew if they had a couch I could live on.  No one had space.  UNM steadfastly refused to have me come back home, saying I was never allowed to come back.  I went to the landlord for a fresh form to tell them I was moving out.  "Didn't we send you one?"  Yes, but I refuse to sign a lie.  I was given a new one.  I had her sign it, got it notarized, & dropped it off the same day.  Her beloved son George was now involved & played the attentive son when he once ignored her every phone call.  He reminded his mother "Don't touch DaisyGirl", which she FINALLY took to heart.  Instead, she began slowly slipping her hand into my peripheral vision, like I was a snake ready to strike, just to get my attention.  The weirdest thing.

5 days before I was due to leave, uNM called & pleaded to help me.  "Can't we just talk about this?!"  There was nothing to talk about.  She'd shut down her house as an option, I was already booked for a bed at a homeless shelter.  I was out of all other options.  She drove up to see me with my sisters in tow & took me out to lunch.  While they were waiting for our food, she told me she'd changed her mind & had a bed for me if I decided to take her up on it.  All of them were quiet after that, trying to keep it fun.  But I saw the shock & the stares when they thought I wasn't looking.  In addition to the paleness, I'd developed bruises under my eyes because I wasn't sleeping at all.  I was constantly roving, watching out for the latest danger, courtesy of Grandma.

In the lead-up to my escape, Grandma had started begging my father to tell her where I was going.  I'd sworn him to secrecy because she was no longer privileged with this information.  UNM was furious, the maddest I'd ever seen her, but didn't say a word either when Grandma cornered her.  Lol.

I packed up everything I could carry, threw everything else in storage, & drove off with both middle fingers raised.

____________

About 3 years later, my dad called me out of the blue & groveled.  He was sobbing & apologized over & over again.  When he could finally talk, he said that his mother had slowly turned the tables to him.  He finally experienced everything I'd told him in those nearly 4 years with her.  What woke him up was that she tried to starve herself to death after a hospital stay.  She was only caught after a visiting nurse came by & discovered there was literally nothing in her cabinets or fridge.  He hollered at her.  He said he told her that "Daisy wasn't the problem.  She was NEVER the problem.  YOU'RE the problem."  I'm not lying when I say I dropped.  My knees hit the floor.  I cried so hard.  He begged my forgiveness & swore to make it up to me.

So far he's been pretty good about it, although he has his moments where he invalidates or blames me.  But he's been much better than he was.

"Agnes" was declared incompetent by the state & placed in an all in one care facility around 6-8 years ago.  The state handed stewardship of her finances to my dad, with POA to the facility so they could get all her bills paid & withdraw funds when she wants them.  She's now, like, 90 & is still kicking, despite her death wish, lol.

I still will never forgive any of them for what they did & everything it cost me (including my cat) in the end.

[bloomie]

Hi DaisyGirl77. You are correct. The system purges posts and inactive members after 5 years. It is necessary to stay within our capacity. Glad you recreated your post! Thanks for your understanding and we appreciate your longstanding participation!

This link to the FAQ's is always good to have stashed away in case you need it: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48572.0

[DaisyGirl77]

Hi DaisyGirl77. You are correct. The system purges posts and inactive members after 5 years. It is necessary to stay within our capacity. Glad you recreated your post! Thanks for your understanding and we appreciate your longstanding participation!

This link to the FAQ's is always good to have stashed away in case you need it: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48572.0

Ahh.  Thanks for that.  This is the first board I've seen that purges their forums after a set amount of years.   I've just saved it all as a document so I won't have to rewrite it again in the future.