Dad inviting himself for Christmas

[nanotech]

Nano - so he treats you like crap then invites himself for xmas?

Wow thats nuts. I've got a real thing about people inviting themselves.....

Your Dad and mine are very similar I think. Both seem to do things as  a "test" sometimes to make it as awkward as possible just so you know you're place.

Yes, P123, I reckon that's true. He also seems to be getting more blatant as he gets older! Or perhaps I'm just seeing it more quickly now. The main thing is, I don't have the strong immediate reactions of fear, obligation and guilt that I used have several years ago. I see you doing this too, saying no early.
I'm so pleased I actually laughed!  He didn't, of course. He just got more intense, insisting on how much he dislikes having to see, and socialise with, my GCNBrother's in-laws.  Despite favouring my brother in every way possible-both parents did- a big part of that favouring is that my brother has become the power base for the FOO.  I know, it's really messed up. It's something my BPD mum started. Mum used to be the power base, and the Nbrother used to triangulate through her. Once she passed, my dad paid homage to mum by totally deferring to him. But brother can't get to me through mum any more, so he now tries to manipulate me through a niece, or sometimes through dad. It doesn't work as well.
So he moved to social media. 


But I'm not on there with him any more.
 
My dad doesn't dare challenge him on anything. He can't possibly upset him by sharing his negative reactions on sister in law's ( also narcissistic) parents. The pretence must continue, and Nbrother and his choices must not be challenged. He's the Golden Child.
So instead, I am to ' fix it' and  provide him with a polite excuse not to attend Nbrother's home on Christmas Day. Plus he knows will be well fed and well looked after by us, of course! This is how we've been for years. Discarded, then rolled out to provide a gold standard  service, then discarded again. Days after we'd done this three years ago, I rang him, and dad was back to his old sarky, dismissive arrogance. He'd got his way and now he didn't need us for the present moment.
But Dad keeps forgetting, I don't take this abuse any more. 

The trouble is, if I categorically say no now, he's going to ask my daughter to invite him! He mentioned her too. I think it was intentional. ( If you don't say yes, I'll bother your child!).
Blackmail really. 
He was invited once to my daughter's for Christmas,and it was really hard work. We were there too. He kept telling the children to be quiet. One was just a baby at the time! I could go on. There was a lot of stuff - I don't want to go through it again.
My daughter is kind, and she  hasn't been brought up by him. She's aware of what I've been through with my family, but sometimes her kindness is all, and she only sees a waify 90 year old man looking for Christmas cheer. He might get round her. This could be problematic.
If he does go there, we won't. We  will see her on a different day. That might be enough to put him off going. It's me he's after- plus our catering, which he knows he'd get if we were going.  ( we do most of the food) .He can't really be micro aggressive with my daughter, at least not in the same ways he can be with me.
Sigh.They enjoy it. They need it. They especially feel entitled to do it during holiday times.
I'm going to say no nearer the time. If he's gobsmacked, iI will remind him that I hadn't said yes to begin with. A big fat no with no jading. 
Just realised when writing this. Before it even existed, my BPD mum used to actually BE my GCNbrother's social media. No wonder PDs adore Facebook.

Good for you nano - its an awful situation there.....

I'll be rooting for you nearer xmas!

I do cheat a bit at xmas. Wifes a nurse so I tell him shes working. I shouldnt JADE but it shuts him up.

P123 you're putting your family first any way you can, which is admirable. FWIW I don't think you're JADING by just giving a reason. I used to go into massively detailed explanations which just gave the PDs fodder for further argument and harassment.
Me and hubby will probably end up exaggerating our holiday length to keep that boundary we need safely in place. I won't be pressed into detailing why we've booked though. We've booked and we will be away, that's it.
    Thanks for your support!

[nanotech]

Do it! You've got plenty of time to get reservations and travel plans in place, and don't have to detail any of that for him. No explanations or excuses, you're adults and made your own plans as you should. MAYBE your plan is to staycation and just enjoy the peace together!!

Thanks so much Moglow! Yes yes yes! I'm loving all of this and concur entirely!

[nanotech]

P123 it was a heavy price to pay - md was invited to brother's that Christmas, first time in several years we were all meeting there. At "lunchtime" she called and said she had car trouble and wasn't going to be able to make it. That made no sense, I'd talked to brother who was driving her earlier that day, he said they should be able to make it in plenty of time.

Turned out they'd been driving around our town since 930am. She turned a lunch invitation into "let's leave really early, it'll be fine." Then she didn't knock on the door, ring the doorbell, nothing but a call from the driveway that wasn't answered because brother was in the shower and didn't hear his phone.I still remember the look on brother/host's face and the way he said "this will never happen again" after he got off the phone with her.

Yet she was mad at US, that no one knew she was in town or greeting her in the driveway some four hours early. Went completely sideways in her own mind, decimating everything in her path for months on that one. To this day I have no idea what set her off or why she was unable to just apologize for the way she melted down all over everyone and move on. Her version of events that I've heard from others since is somewhat different from reality ... she was attacked. She was mistreated. She was ostracized.

OMG Moglow. This reminds me of my Ndad who behaved very badly on the  morning of yet another family funeral. He was furious with me because I hadn't answered my phone ( in the shower) and then when I was able to answer ( being driven and on the way to the funeral 30 miles away ) I told him NO, we were not now going to divert our journey and pick him up just because he hadn't had a good sleep.
I'd previously had a nightmarish time with him that summer, at a family funeral a long way away.
Why do they go against arrangements with these early arrivals or late requests?
Is it the  'testing' P123 speaks of?  The need to feel the most important perhaps- to see how fast and hard they can make us 'dance' for them?

[moglow]

Honestly I don't know. I do know that once mommie dearest got something into her head and went as far as voicing it, it was already way too late whether this or any other situation. It was written in stone and her fact was the fact, as far as she's concerned. Everyone was supposed to alter reality to suit her preferences.

That Christmas she claimed she wasn't told a time, just Christmas lunch. Um okay, still. Lunch isn't usually at 9-930 am, it's 1130 or later. Brother had invited her, clarify the time with him but don't go all apeshit sideways with everyone when you failed to plan, ya know? She was mad that I hadn't answered my phone either - at that point I didn't even know she had a cell phone, didn't recognize the number and was in the middle of cooking. No, I didn't answer the phone and she didn't leave a message. She COULD have called early and clarified the time, but no. That would have made too much sense.

Added note - I forgot to mention she got mad when talking about it later, that no one was concerned about her car trouble. You know, the car trouble that didn't happen and she bald faced lied about.

[p123]

P123 it was a heavy price to pay - md was invited to brother's that Christmas, first time in several years we were all meeting there. At "lunchtime" she called and said she had car trouble and wasn't going to be able to make it. That made no sense, I'd talked to brother who was driving her earlier that day, he said they should be able to make it in plenty of time.

Turned out they'd been driving around our town since 930am. She turned a lunch invitation into "let's leave really early, it'll be fine." Then she didn't knock on the door, ring the doorbell, nothing but a call from the driveway that wasn't answered because brother was in the shower and didn't hear his phone.I still remember the look on brother/host's face and the way he said "this will never happen again" after he got off the phone with her.

Yet she was mad at US, that no one knew she was in town or greeting her in the driveway some four hours early. Went completely sideways in her own mind, decimating everything in her path for months on that one. To this day I have no idea what set her off or why she was unable to just apologize for the way she melted down all over everyone and move on. Her version of events that I've heard from others since is somewhat different from reality ... she was attacked. She was mistreated. She was ostracized.

OMG Moglow. This reminds me of my Ndad who behaved very badly on the  morning of yet another family funeral. He was furious with me because I hadn't answered my phone ( in the shower) and then when I was able to answer ( being driven and on the way to the funeral 30 miles away ) I told him NO, we were not now going to divert our journey and pick him up just because he hadn't had a good sleep.
I'd previously had a nightmarish time with him that summer, at a family funeral a long way away.
Why do they go against arrangements with these early arrivals or late requests?
Is it the  'testing' P123 speaks of?  The need to feel the most important perhaps- to see how fast and hard they can make us 'dance' for them?

Its deffo a "Test" with my Dad. He gets me to get his shopping EVERY week. Theres no need at all.

BUT he seems to like knowing hes got me there to do it for him. Like a loyalty test,

[p123]

Honestly I don't know. I do know that once mommie dearest got something into her head and went as far as voicing it, it was already way too late whether this or any other situation. It was written in stone and her fact was the fact, as far as she's concerned. Everyone was supposed to alter reality to suit her preferences.

That Christmas she claimed she wasn't told a time, just Christmas lunch. Um okay, still. Lunch isn't usually at 9-930 am, it's 1130 or later. Brother had invited her, clarify the time with him but don't go all apeshit sideways with everyone when you failed to plan, ya know? She was mad that I hadn't answered my phone either - at that point I didn't even know she had a cell phone, didn't recognize the number and was in the middle of cooking. No, I didn't answer the phone and she didn't leave a message. She COULD have called early and clarified the time, but no. That would have made too much sense.

Added note - I forgot to mention she got mad when talking about it later, that no one was concerned about her car trouble. You know, the car trouble that didn't happen and she bald faced lied about.

I used to get that "time mixup" thing....

Xmas Day - "yes you can come for lunch I'll pick you up."
"OK 9am".
"Umm no Dad - my kids are young they're opening presents"
"Oh I thought you were picking me up - You dont need to be there for the kids, you're wifes there. There'll be other Xmases to do that. I want you to pick me up at 9am".

Said no to grandparent of the year that time.

[nanotech]

They have an appalling need to ensure we will always just drop everything, and that when others are involved, that they are very definitely ALWAYS put first. 
Hence requesting early visits, turning up early, and all that awful jazz.
As regards that time my dad wanted a last minute lift to the funeral, I'd already offered to take him beforehand, but he'd said no. On the morning of an event, all hell breaks loose!

[p123]

They have an appalling need to ensure we will always just drop everything, and that when others are involved, that they are very definitely ALWAYS put first. 
Hence requesting early visits, turning up early, and all that awful jazz.
As regards that time my dad wanted a last minute lift to the funeral, I'd already offered to take him beforehand, but he'd said no. On the morning of an event, all hell breaks loose!

Ohhhh yes Dad does that too. Says no then last minute changes his mind - its a "TEST" to see how much trouble he can cause and you'll still do it.

Thats my Dads mindset, he wants to know that I'm "there for him". So he tests  it ALL THE TIME.

[nanotech]

They have an appalling need to ensure we will always just drop everything, and that when others are involved, that they are very definitely ALWAYS put first. 
Hence requesting early visits, turning up early, and all that awful jazz.
As regards that time my dad wanted a last minute lift to the funeral, I'd already offered to take him beforehand, but he'd said no. On the morning of an event, all hell breaks loose!

Ohhhh yes Dad does that too. Says no then last minute changes his mind - its a "TEST" to see how much trouble he can cause and you'll still do it.

Thats my Dads mindset, he wants to know that I'm "there for him". So he tests  it ALL THE TIME.

Yes I can see his pattern of behaviour- just like my dad. Your dad is more overt than mine, but ......
I've  noticed on the days I ring dad, even if the call has seemed to go okay, I'm so unsettled afterwards. I feel sort of 'unsafe'  if that makes any sense.  I also don't feel as positive  about myself- my self doubt and self criticism loom up.
I was just on a walk, and wondering why I felt a bit like this, having woken up fine and dandy. It dawned on me that I'd rung dad at lunchtime. A 55 minute call- all about his health concerns, then all about how  good another family member is to him, and then how one of the nurses at the GP practice took an afternoon off work to take her mum out for her 80th birthday.  Christmas didn't come up. But there then these digs and hints that I'm 'not doing enough'. 
I know I should have realised this before. It's always worse when he's spoken to one of the family who is a PD. There are four, with at least  two flying monkeys/ Enablers.  This happened today. He's arranged to see her and her son. So when he's ' alright Jack', safe in the bosom of the PDs, this is how he is.
I'd love to go non -contact.

[moglow]

Nano, I used to end calls with mommie dearest thinking all was stable, if not okay in general. Then a few days or even weeks later I'd get a text where she picked out a random comment taken out of context and gone totally sideways with it. Picking one fight after another, I can only suppose to keep drama going. I dreaded her texts and voicemails, everything felt loaded.

[nanotech]

Nano, I used to end calls with mommie dearest thinking all was stable, if not okay in general. Then a few days or even weeks later I'd get a text where she picked out a random comment taken out of context and gone totally sideways with it. Picking one fight after another, I can only suppose to keep drama going. I dreaded her texts and voicemails, everything felt loaded.

Oh my goodness, how stressful and upsetting this must have been. Yep though, it's all about the drama. It's almost as if it's the only way they can communicate at all? Through conflict?
My UNPDDAD is, I think, expecting me to reschedule his meal out for his 90th PDQ. But when he cancelled it, he missed the window.  I have plans over the next few weeks, several of which involve my own health checks, and my hubby has work. Then there's another family birthday (FOC)  coming up ( it's a biggie!) then Easter time with the gorgeous grandchildren! So it's not so easy to reschedule, especially when we don't live locally.
I do lots of yoga and meditation- it's  been an absolute godsend. Xx

[nanotech]

Thanks everyone. Xx
Sigh -I've  had enough.
I'm currently looking for a holiday to book for Christmas! 
Meanwhile, I'm going to cut RIGHT down on my phone contact with dad.
It really affects me psychologically. Its very very upsetting and frustrating. I always feel so low afterwards.
My daughter saw the photos we took on our visit. She couldn't get over how stern my dad looked on them. As if he were just tolerating the situation.
This is in stark contrast to his smiley pics  on photos recently, with PD family members.
Again, I saw the pics of me and him, and I straightaway made excuses for him! He's was 'just tired', 'we caught him unawares' etc. We took several pics though, plenty of opportunity for him to raise the corners of his mouth.... and he's frowning on them all.
But my daughter made me accept the truth. She's in the midst of accepting it herself. But being one generation removed, she is perhaps a big more able to.

Stark reality
We're the absolute scapegoats.

This thread, writing and thinking on here, the support on here, has enabled me to see how much this treatment is affecting me and mine.
So...... I'm reducing the phonecalls.
This will likely lead to hoovering and a bit of love bombing.  Need to not get drawn back in.