Dad giving money to brother

[p123]

If I remember correctly, It was not so long ago you spoke of your father having in the 40's in savings.  So he is indeed spending it down. 

Either way, you dont have to own the consequences.  I would let bro kn now Dad will ne living with him when he becomes penniless.

Oh Dad is careful - his savings are not going down. This is just extra money from his pension that he doesnt spend....

[p123]

That's true for everyone.  You have a lot of company.   No one will be sad when our PD parents pass on.   I know I will have two emotions, first one is relief and I'm not sure what to call the second one.   What's the name for that peculiar mixture of grief, loneliness, apathy, anger that a child of a PD parent has when we have to deal with the fact that we NEVER had the parent any child deserves and that we NEVER will.  I'm trying to let go of this self-destructive hope now, for my own health.  When I read about other members' PD's passing and they seem to have a balanced, healthy response I am inspired to do the work and hopeful that my parent's last toxic gift won't be successful in hurting me the rest of my life.

I know I worry about the funeral to be honest. Whether people are going to see I don't even look that sad!

[NarcKiddo]

That's true for everyone.  You have a lot of company.   No one will be sad when our PD parents pass on.   I know I will have two emotions, first one is relief and I'm not sure what to call the second one.   What's the name for that peculiar mixture of grief, loneliness, apathy, anger that a child of a PD parent has when we have to deal with the fact that we NEVER had the parent any child deserves and that we NEVER will.  I'm trying to let go of this self-destructive hope now, for my own health.  When I read about other members' PD's passing and they seem to have a balanced, healthy response I am inspired to do the work and hopeful that my parent's last toxic gift won't be successful in hurting me the rest of my life.

I know I worry about the funeral to be honest. Whether people are going to see I don't even look that sad!

Look on the bright side. As a man you'll probably get endless praise for a good British stiff upper lip! 

[p123]

That's true for everyone.  You have a lot of company.   No one will be sad when our PD parents pass on.   I know I will have two emotions, first one is relief and I'm not sure what to call the second one.   What's the name for that peculiar mixture of grief, loneliness, apathy, anger that a child of a PD parent has when we have to deal with the fact that we NEVER had the parent any child deserves and that we NEVER will.  I'm trying to let go of this self-destructive hope now, for my own health.  When I read about other members' PD's passing and they seem to have a balanced, healthy response I am inspired to do the work and hopeful that my parent's last toxic gift won't be successful in hurting me the rest of my life.

I know I worry about the funeral to be honest. Whether people are going to see I don't even look that sad!

Look on the bright side. As a man you'll probably get endless praise for a good British stiff upper lip! 

To be honest as well, Dad has treated so many people so badly last few years I think the attendees is dwindling by the day.....

[p123]

Jeez he really has no limits....

Brought it up yesterday. "So you know I'm giving your brother money every week?" Umm yes Dad up to you, its your money.
"Yes but he does visit me quite a bit more than you do, so its only fair, isn't it?"

What does he want me to do, agree with him? Agree to try a bit harder?

Yeh I know I should have grey rocked him but I lost it. What appalling behaviour!!!!!

I told him if it was a pay per visit basis then since he gave me zero hes not paying for any visits then is he?
I also reminded him I'm not for sale, and the clarify that the reason my visits are capped is, as hes been told 1000 times, is I've got kids to look after, live further away etc than brother and that's not going to change any time soon! But this is Dad all over, money is everything, he seems to think anyone will do anything for money. Well I've told him he can stuff his money up his backside now and if wants change his will because I don't want any of it!

Honestly, this is going to be hard to forget- the day my Dad tried to bribe me!

[traumakorma]

As someone whose manipulative dad has died,  when he does die part of coming to terms with it will be how you let him whip you about for so long.  Not how you don't have to feel guilty because you tolerated it, but why you tolerated it. What core beliefs made you carry on when you could see that nothing you do could ever change the reality of what he is.  Nothing you can give him will be valued because its you, but only because he feels in control. And sadly these parents have nothing to offer and only cause harm.  As a parent of adults my children will spend time with me because we have fun together.  I have too much self respect to coerce someone into a relationship.  it's a bit like posing mannequins for photos. 'let's make it look like we have a relationship'. 

[Hazy111]

As someone whose manipulative dad has died,  when he does die part of coming to terms with it will be how you let him whip you about for so long.  Not how you don't have to feel guilty because you tolerated it, but why you tolerated it. What core beliefs made you carry on when you could see that nothing you do could ever change the reality of what he is.  Nothing you can give him will be valued because its you, but only because he feels in control. And sadly these parents have nothing to offer and only cause harm.  As a parent of adults my children will spend time with me because we have fun together.  I have too much self respect to coerce someone into a relationship.  it's a bit like posing mannequins for photos. 'let's make it look like we have a relationship'.
[ /quote]

You might never end up with the £40 k in the bank. As eventually it will be eaten into (if he lives a long time by carers fees etc) and  care homes are incredibly expensive even the local authority ones.  Unless of course he moves in with you.   

Then youll have to ask was it all worth it.

But if youre doing it for love and or guilt then you will have to learn to tolerate his personality. He isnt going to change and will probably get worse with age. ( He will always put himself first. Everyone else is a pawn in his game of survival ) Lets hope he doesnt get dementia. 

[Lilyloo]

Oh Yes, the money game!!  I'm sorry you are going through this! These are not parents if they use money this way.  Yes it would be extremely annoying, and hurtful and hard to understand!   I feel the same about the funeral. How are we supposed to look!  I go over it in  my head.  Outsiderchild said it so well!!

  My mother inherited a few bucks years ago. My oldest brothers wife called me to see if I got anything. Mother was handing it out.  Yes I said she gave me 50 dollars.  To my shock SIL said she gave my brother 2000!  She sold stepdads house a year ago. He owned it before he even knew her. She gave out 1000 dollars to some of us and NOTHING to stepdads family.   ugggg!!

Very sad memories they are leaving behind. Me too, 10 years of this kind of crap, just draining and most of all sad.  One thing we can be happy about is our children will never feel these hurtful things  .. Blessings to you

[p123]

As someone whose manipulative dad has died,  when he does die part of coming to terms with it will be how you let him whip you about for so long.  Not how you don't have to feel guilty because you tolerated it, but why you tolerated it. What core beliefs made you carry on when you could see that nothing you do could ever change the reality of what he is.  Nothing you can give him will be valued because its you, but only because he feels in control. And sadly these parents have nothing to offer and only cause harm.  As a parent of adults my children will spend time with me because we have fun together.  I have too much self respect to coerce someone into a relationship.  it's a bit like posing mannequins for photos. 'let's make it look like we have a relationship'.

I think thats what makes me saddest - when hes gone I'm going to remember how awful he was!

[p123]

As someone whose manipulative dad has died,  when he does die part of coming to terms with it will be how you let him whip you about for so long.  Not how you don't have to feel guilty because you tolerated it, but why you tolerated it. What core beliefs made you carry on when you could see that nothing you do could ever change the reality of what he is.  Nothing you can give him will be valued because its you, but only because he feels in control. And sadly these parents have nothing to offer and only cause harm.  As a parent of adults my children will spend time with me because we have fun together.  I have too much self respect to coerce someone into a relationship.  it's a bit like posing mannequins for photos. 'let's make it look like we have a relationship'.
[ /quote]

You might never end up with the £40 k in the bank. As eventually it will be eaten into (if he lives a long time by carers fees etc) and  care homes are incredibly expensive even the local authority ones.  Unless of course he moves in with you.   

Then youll have to ask was it all worth it.

But if youre doing it for love and or guilt then you will have to learn to tolerate his personality. He isnt going to change and will probably get worse with age. ( He will always put himself first. Everyone else is a pawn in his game of survival ) Lets hope he doesnt get dementia.

NEVER in a million years will he be moving in with us!!!!

Nope he can keep his money

[p123]

Oh Yes, the money game!!  I'm sorry you are going through this! These are not parents if they use money this way.  Yes it would be extremely annoying, and hurtful and hard to understand!   I feel the same about the funeral. How are we supposed to look!  I go over it in  my head.  Outsiderchild said it so well!!

  My mother inherited a few bucks years ago. My oldest brothers wife called me to see if I got anything. Mother was handing it out.  Yes I said she gave me 50 dollars.  To my shock SIL said she gave my brother 2000!  She sold stepdads house a year ago. He owned it before he even knew her. She gave out 1000 dollars to some of us and NOTHING to stepdads family.   ugggg!!

Very sad memories they are leaving behind. Me too, 10 years of this kind of crap, just draining and most of all sad.  One thing we can be happy about is our children will never feel these hurtful things  .. Blessings to you

To be honest, I dont need his money but the way he does it........

Yep I've had years of it- he honestly sucks the life out of me!

Never will I treat my kids like this never!

It also bugs me that hes a big believer in God. Goes on and on. Jeez - do you really think how you behave is christian? I know what'd he'd say "well Im desperate and someone needs to look after me". Don't get me going on the christian thing - he tells me all gay people are going hell because "it says in the bible".

[square]

There's a lot to say about this but here's just one.

It's curious that he apparently HAS your brother running around for him.

So why is he still trying to get you in line?

I'd be tempted to reply sarcastically. Gee, Dad, if I knew money would be involved, I would have left my wife and kids and moved in with you. I guess Brother is a better man than me.

[p123]

There's a lot to say about this but here's just one.

It's curious that he apparently HAS your brother running around for him.

So why is he still trying to get you in line?

I'd be tempted to reply sarcastically. Gee, Dad, if I knew money would be involved, I would have left my wife and kids and moved in with you. I guess Brother is a better man than me.

I think Dad gets a warm glow knowing hes got a line of people at his beck and call to be honest. This seems very important to him. Because, as I've said, he needs help and he needs people to know this. Also, I know that Dad likes to tell his friends "oh both my sons do everything for me"

Brother has had a chequered past to say the least. He'd go months and Dad wouldn't hear from him. Which annoys me now that now hes settled down a little hes the GC.

Dad plays us both. He gets me to do grocery shopping for him in the week then brother at the weekend. Why? So he can keep us both on a piece of string. Many times hes lied that hes not seen anyone for days when I know brother was there the day before.

Oh yeh he'd love for me to move in. In the past, before I realised it was pointless, I used to try and explain that I couldnt let my wife and kids down all the time. (and Im ashamed to say I did do that!).

In the end I realised his attitude was "they'll have to deal with it" and he told me "I need you so you have to put me first"

[lkdrymom]

Good for you to say you weren't for sale.

I think you should have gone one step further and told him to pay brother more.....to cover your visits for you.